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ricochetbullet · Sep 14, 2010, 11:00 AM

I am in love with a girl who I am deciding to get married to. Everything is fine but the problem is that she has a past. Even I have a past, but I have never been physical with my ex girlfriend beyond kissing. She was in a relationship and has crossed all limits for months and has had sex many times. This disturbs me a lot and I imagine her in her past and correlate things with her past to my present. I know its stupid, but it hurts me. I feel she is used physically and feel bad about it. Does virginity matter so much? It does to me at least. I had an idea that I will get married to a girl who is pure. I have an idea of purity and I feel she doesn't fit in it. I am also extremely possessive about her. But I need a perspective please. I love her and need this out of my head. How should I accept this?

Wondergirl · Sep 14, 2010, 11:07 AM

It sounds like you are not accepting this now, nor will you in the future. No one can make you accept anything. You already:
1. are upset
2. are disturbed
3. feel negative about her
4. are hurt
5. feel strongly about virginity
6. want a virgin bride
7. believe she doesn't fit in
8. are extremely possessive

Tell me -- how should you accept this?

ricochetbullet · Sep 14, 2010, 11:23 AM

Maybe what your saying is right to quite some extent, but *** note that I am willing to change myself. I love her and want to accept her and not feel negative about all this. I need "your" perspective to imbibe it into me. Maybe my perception is not correct. Please help.

almorgan666 · Sep 14, 2010, 11:28 AM

That's a really hard one. When I was with my first girlfriend, we were both virgins and developed in that area together. My next girlfriend (who later became my wife), had 2 sexual partners before me and I had one. I thought about it a little, but in the end, she seemed so into me that it didn't matter.

I don't know how old you are, or how long you have been together with your current partner, but as time goes on and you grow together, you forget about the past in that sense. More importantly, she is with you and seems to be happy with you. It is something you get through and whilst is seems important now, it won't when/if you get married or if you decide to consummate your relationship.

What is most important is the here and now. You have her and she has you, and that is very very important.

Wondergirl · Sep 14, 2010, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by ricochetbullet

Maybe what ur saying is right to quite some extent, but *** note that I am willing to change myself. I love her and want to accept her and not feel negative about all this. I need "your" perspective to imbibe it into me. Maybe my perception is not correct. Please help.

No one can make you change your mind about her and the virginity thing. Your best bet is to visit a counselor for a few sessions to find out if you yourself would even be able to make a dent in your lifelong belief about virginity. This will involve some tense and deep discussions with someone in real time and in person -- not cursory chats on a web site.

Stringer · Sep 14, 2010, 07:45 PM

Could you please tell us something about your past, your upbringing, your culture?

Kitkat22 · Sep 14, 2010, 07:49 PM

Have you had sex with anyone?

DoulaLC · Sep 14, 2010, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by ricochetbullet

I am in love with a girl who I am deciding to get married to. Everything is fine but the problem is that she has a past. Even I have a past, but I have never been physical with my ex girlfriend beyond kissing. She was in a relationship and has crossed all limits for months and has had sex many times. This disturbs me a lot and I imagine her in her past and correlate things with her past to my present. I know its stupid, but it hurts me. I feel she is used physically and feel bad about it. Does virginity matter so much? It does to me at least. I had an idea that I will get married to a girl who is pure. I have an idea of purity and I feel she doesnt fit in it. I am also extremely possessive about her. But I need a perspective please. I love her and need this out of my head. How should I accept this?

You don't have to accept this if it is not what you want in a lifelong partner. Everyone has things they will and won't accept in a potential partner. Virginity is very important to some people, not at all to others. Some times you might learn that what you once thought was important does not seem as much when other characteristics in a person you love become more so.

Look at the qualities you love about her and decide are they enough for you to look beyond her past? If so, do what you can to focus on those qualities and accept that the past is simply that, the past. If not, then she is not the right match for you in enough areas that are important to you to make it work. You may love her, but she may not be the best partner for you.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 14, 2010, 08:33 PM

So don't marry her if this is a issue you can't get over, two years after you are married is too late. A past is just that, in the past, and she did not have to tell you, but I assume trusted you enough to tell you. What really counts is how the two of you are now.

She is not a car, Used is not a term to use for people

Stringer · Sep 14, 2010, 09:07 PM

"She is not a car, Used is not a term to use for people" -Chuck

Excellent.

ricochetbullet · Sep 15, 2010, 10:30 AM

Originally Posted by Stringer

Could you please tell us something about your past, your upbringing, your culture?

My past has been pretty simple. I have been born and brought up in a family which takes sex very seriously, something to be done only after marriage, with only one and all of that. I am a virgin, and I am 27 yrs old. When I met her, she didn't disclose about her past, but after 4 months of us going around, she said it to me in a very rude way which words still ring in my years. We are all right now and still going around.
I had a girlfriend in my past but never went beyond kissing as I and she were shy at that point. I want to get over this. I do love her and am about to marry her in some months or so. I wonder why is this bothering me so much. I understand she is not a car, and I love her, but something's she talks, or even when I am getting intimate with her, it reminds me she has crossed all limits with someone.

Kitkat22 · Sep 15, 2010, 12:43 PM

If you love her and you're worried abooiut what someone else is going to think.. it's none of their business.

If you are going to keep bringing this up to her after you are married, then forget it. You'll be miserable and so will she.

DoulaLC · Sep 15, 2010, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by ricochetbullet

My past has been pretty simple. I have been born and brought up in a family which takes sex very seriously, something to be done only after marriage, with only one and all of that. I am a virgin, and I am 27 yrs old. When I met her, she didnt disclose about her past, but after 4 months of us going around, she said it to me in a very rude way which words still ring in my years. We are alright now and still going around.
I had a girlfriend in my past but never went beyond kissing as I and she were shy at that point. I want to get over this. I do love her and am about to marry her in some months or so. I wonder why is this bothering me so much. I understand she is not a car, and I love her, but somethings she talks, or even when I am getting intimate with her, it reminds me she has crossed all limits with someone.

Why are you planning to marry her if this is bothering you so much? You don't have to marry her just because you love her.

Your feelings are not much different from a trust issue. You assumed, or didn't consider, that she had not been with anyone before. When you found out otherwise, after you had fallen in love with her, it likely felt similar to someone who has been cheated on. It wasn't expected, it wasn't what you bargained for, it wasn't something you would have wanted to happen. A major difference, however, is that this situation occurred before she even met you and you will either have to accept that she has a past, and that it is no reflection on your relationship now or her faithfulness to you, or you will have to move on.

It is bothering you so much because of what your beliefs are regarding sex before marriage and what partners should bring to a marriage. There is nothing wrong with that, many people feel the same way, so perhaps you would be better off letting her go, as difficult as that may be, so that both of you will be able to find someone who is more compatible.

If you decide you really want to get passed this and make it work, DO NOT marry her until you have done the work necessary. It would be unfair to her to marry her knowing you have these concerns, were not upfront with her about them, and risk the possibility of the marriage suffering because of it. You need to talk to her about this as it obviously effects you both.

Only once you can honestly say that you have moved beyond this and that it won't be a major issue for you, should you consider marriage. If it turns out that you can't... so be it. You don't marry, but you will have learned a valuable lesson for the next relationship you find yourself in.

almorgan666 · Sep 16, 2010, 01:58 AM

I want to be careful, because I understand that you have a very firm belief system, which may or may not be shared by others here. I don't mean to belittle your beliefs.

Lots of the responses on here have been about "if you aren't ready, don't get married". I would like to take a slightly different view to this...

I understand that you have been brought up with sex as a very important moral, and whilst it is a good moral to have, it's not the be all and end all of a relationship. As previously said, I had a girlfriend before my wife. I don't think about that part of things ever when I'm with my wife. I don't think she ever thinks about it when she's with me. It is a very intimate act, and you are only ever really thinking about the here, now and who you are with at that moment (not any other moment!). You are both getting married. She obviously loves you and wants to be with you (not him or anyone else) - keep hold of that, it means a lot!

I think every man wonders about their partner's former partners when they first go out. I think this is more important in your case because sex has been put on such a high pedestal. I'm not saying that this is wrong, but it's making it harder for you to deal with. I can imagine that, because you are waiting, there is also a huge amount of significance placed on it and how you feel about it all. I think this is contributing to your anxieties.

She's not a bad person for having had a relationship before you and you aren't a bad person for feeling the way you do. We all have different thresholds and part of life is tolerance and acceptance.

I, with other posters, think that you have to get through this thought process and think about how you can reduce the significance of your worries. But, personally, having been through a milder form of what you are going through, I don't think you shouldn't worry about it as much as you do.

She loves you and you love her, trust that love and let her be the person that you fell in love with. Once you are married and start having sex, all the thoughts you are having will pale into insignificance. Don't let them take over your life now, or jinx your marriage. Be at peace in the knowledge that you can't change the past, you can only live happily now. How you think and act now plays a big part in that. Stay positive and appreciate that she loves you and has chosen to spend the rest of her life with you.

QLP · Sep 16, 2010, 06:08 AM

I think there might be a bigger question here. Not just can you accept her past, but can you accept who she is in the present and future? Can she accept you? Can you both fully be yourselves together and still be compatible?

You say that when she told you about her past she did so 'in a very rude way which words still ring in my years'. Now some people are very restrained in how they talk about sex whilst others are very relaxed about it. Will you feel comfortable talking about sex, after you are married, with her if you are both coming from different places in terms of what you think is acceptable? Will it freak you out if she talks dirty in the bedroom? Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt but if your girlfriend is more blunt that you about these kind of things it could make you feel more uncomfortable than my words.

Are your beliefs on sex tied into religious beliefs and how do they compare to your girlfriends beliefs? If they aren't similar can you both accept the differences?

If you have children one day do you have similar enough beliefs to agree on how you will bring them up? Will you want to teach them that sex before marriage is wrong? Will your future wife feel OK about that?

Are there any pre-marriage classes you can attend together where you can explore some of these things?

donf · Sep 16, 2010, 08:50 AM

I am probably speaking out of turn here because I have never been single. We married at 18 so the only past we have is the past we have created over our life times.

However, there is nothing you can do to make her past go away. "It is what it is."

You are just going to drive yourself crazy with angst about it. So I suggest that you ask yourself some questions.

1) Do you love this lady?
2) Do you have doubts about her fidelity to you as you go from today to tomorrow?
3) Has you lady's past been revealed to your family or the world in general?
4) What she did prior to entering into your relationship, is over and done with, why punish yourself about it?

Kitkat22 · Sep 16, 2010, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by donf

I am probably speaking out of turn here because I have never been single. We married at 18 so the only past we have is the past we have created over our life times.

However, there is nothing you can do to make her past go away. "It is what it is."

You are just going to drive yourself crazy with angst about it. So I suggest that you ask yourself some questions.

1) Do you love this lady?
2) Do you have doubts about her fidelity to you as you go from today to tomorrow?
3) Has you lady's past been revealed to your family or the world in general?
4) What she did prior to entering into your relationship, is over and done with, why punish yourself about it?

Bless your heart Donf... You are a wise man and those are questions the Op should consider. :) Got to spread the rep... Kit

ricochetbullet · Sep 16, 2010, 09:38 AM

Thanks a ton. Yes, I love her a lot and do not want to lose her. I never wanted to lose her, but want things to fall in place. Your advice makes a lot of sense for me and I am sure if I go this way, it will demolish these negatives within me.

Stringer · Sep 16, 2010, 12:19 PM

You have to remember that she could have withheld this information and never told you. However she didn't. I believe that actually shows how much trust and love she has for you. Forget and forgive, although personally I think that there is nothing to forgive. She loves you a lot and she has put her trust in her love for you... and your love for her.

Stringer

88sunflower · Sep 16, 2010, 12:45 PM

Just one more thought on this. Had you even once considered maybe she told you about her past in a rude way because she was afraid to tell you? Was she rude because she was nervous knowing your beliefs and afraid of your reaction? Or did it only seem rude because it wasn't what you really wanted to hear? Were you nagging at her for the information and then she was rude?

Every post here is right on. Love is unconditional. Her past shouldn't matter. If you love her enough to consider getting married then why does it matter? You should love her enough to let it rest and only look to the future.