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GrowingPains1 · Sep 14, 2010, 10:48 AM

I am a very private person. And I never share my problems with anyone but this problem is killing me and I can't tell anybody I know or ask them for advice because it's just to personal. About 4 years ago I met a guy that I wasn't to into. But I we would mess around every now and then. I tried to get rid of him a few times but he wouldn't go. So after about 2 years I finally told myself since he stuck around for so long, maybe there is a reason god has kept him in my life.

So I decided after spending a weekend with him in New York that maybe a relationship would work. There was a lot of adjusting to do in the relationship at first, and being the person I am I tried to not get to emotionally attached to quick. But I did eventually, especially after spending almost everyday with him. About a year ago I got pregnant and he was really happy and he promised to be there for the baby, but every time I would ask him about our future he would say " all that matters is that we're together now and i will be there for the baby" something didn't feel right so I mentally prepared myself for bad news. I was thinking he might not like me as much as he use to and that the break up was on the way. Plus he use to leave me to go to NY every weekend unless he had duty on the ship. I always found this strange, but he said he wanted to see his mom and he presented himself as a momma's boy. I asked him a few times if he had a family in his country or in NY that he's not telling me about but he said no.

When I was 21 weeks I went into labor and I lost the baby. I was really sad, but he was devastated he even lost his faith in god for a while, but this brought us closer and though we miss our baby like crazy we moved on together, by talking about her. In May I found out I was pregnant again. He had told me about a month after we lost our first child he wanted to try to have another baby.

On May 11th a day I remember like the back of my hands. I got a phone call from a woman calling me a home wrecker. I thought it was a joke at first till I heard his voice in the back round. I know now what it feels like to have your heart fall out of your chest. At first he wouldn't admit it but I yelled and screamed at him on the phone and he finally said yes he was married. He was in NY at the time. And everything came down on me. And the weekend trips to NY made sense , and the all that matters is that we're together now comments, made sense. For me that was it. As much pain as I was in I was walking away. He begged and pleaded with me to forgive him he promised to get a divorce. But I was still ready to leave until he asked me what if I was pregnant and I knew that was a possibility so I told him we could talk when he came back to VA. When he came back we never really talked. His ship was leaving for 8months 5days later so I didn't want to fight.

He promised he would leave her, he even went to court the day I found out and got divorce papers for her to sign, but she refused, she won't give him a divorce. He keeps telling me he will take care of everything when he gets back that I should just concentrate on the baby and my health. Even thought he is out to see he calls me everyday and he emails me everyday. We have gotten into arguments about his wife, because on her Facebook page he tells her he loves her and he tells her he misses her and he jokes with her. There are no kids in there marriage. But she still has to take care of some of his things while he's gone, and she had threaten him when he showed her the divorce papers and told her about me and the baby.

So he says he has to be nice with her cause he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. If it wasn't for my baby I would walk away. But we both wanted this baby and we both made plans to be together and to have a family. He says he wants to be with me and the baby and that he will do anything to make it happen and that he has no intentions on going to NY when he gets back. He just wants to be here with me. He is the type of person that likes to speak with out thinking things through. He was so sure about the divorce when he left 4 months ago. Now he says he'll still be with me, but right now the divorce might be to expensive. He does have a lot of expense coming next year, but still that should be at the top of the list. Now he gets mad when I bring the situation up. He should be back in December and the baby is due in January so I tell myself I will give till June to file for a separation.

I feel sorry for his wife cause he said she's a good person. He just didn't want to be alone so they got married he was new to the US and was going through a really bad time with his family and she was stressed out about her family to. He tried to break up with her a few times, but she would cry and he'd feel bad and he would change his mind. When he joined the navy she cried and told him she would never see him again and that she would be lonely and since he had nobody. They went to the court and got married. I know there married but a part of me feels like I need to see if he'll really leave her for me and our baby. I want to walk away knowing I did everything I could. But sitting back waiting for results is so painful. I cry every night cause a part me feels he won't leave her. And I'll be a single mother and I just can't imagine another woman around my child. He got married at 21 so I wonder if he was to young to know what he wanted. I know this is a lot of information and long to. But it's a complicated situation and there is so much more to it. But if any body has advice please let me know. Thank you!

redhed35 · Sep 14, 2010, 11:30 AM

He has no intention of leaving his wife for you,made know mention of it,Until he was caught.

He could have left there and then,but he didn't.

On Facebook he is talking to her and saying he loves her,and the same to you.

He's a cheater,a user,and he has manipulated the situation to his advantage.

Dump his sorry a$$,this will never end,he won't leave her,and he won't stay with you.

If he has not done it by now,he is not going to do it.

Where is your family? Friends?

What do they think about this?

For me,if I was in your shoes,id dump him,and make sure he pays support your baby.

answerme_tender · Sep 14, 2010, 12:05 PM

Iam very sorry you have to go through this,but you need to tell your family and friends situation so you will have a support group. I agree with red, he full of it and what's worst is your so upset that your allowing him to cloud your own good sense. What lies do you think he has told his wife, does she eve know about your pregnancy. Funny that she know that he at least had affair with you but obviously didn't file for divorce herself, but he says she won't sign papers. Did you see these papers, did you see him hand them to her, did you hear her say no, probably not ---you just heard his side and of course he is just a saint and won't lie about this!! You need to think about your child now. This baby will need stability and loving family unit, talk to your family, don't worry they might be upset in beginning, but they will at least be there in the end.---good luck

Kitkat22 · Sep 14, 2010, 12:15 PM

I feel sorry for you and the wife. He is a liar and a cheater and I would bet my house, this isn't the first or it won't be the last time he does it.
Leave him alone. He doesn't love you nor his wife. He's in love with himself. Don't shed one more tear on him. Concentrate on the child and take him to court to get child support.

You better thank heavens you found out. Not only has he lied to you and the wife he and you are responsible for bringing an innocent child into this mess. How could you not know he was married? Were there no indicators.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 14, 2010, 04:33 PM

He is a creep.
I hope you have a good support system to help you with the baby, I doubt you'll get any from him. Go NC. You don't need that stress.

Stringer · Sep 14, 2010, 07:18 PM

Kick this loser to the curb and don't look back...

Good luck,

Stringer

DoulaLC · Sep 14, 2010, 07:51 PM

Why on earth would you want to be with a liar and a cheat? Don't think for a second that you are the only one he has cheated on his wife with. He has strung you along for far too long and you have unfortunately fallen for every line he fed you.

You are not the first, and unfortunately falling in love with him, feeling sorry for him, believing his promises, and now being pregnant have kept you tied to him and blinded to reality.

As the others have said, he is not going to leave his wife. If he really wanted to be with just you, he would have been long ago... he would have made it happen. He has no children, likely few assets, it is not that difficult.

Cut your losses, painful... definitely, but you will get over him in time and be stronger and wiser for it. Focus on taking care of yourself and your baby. Get support from your family and friends. End it with him... do not fall for anymore of his sad stories. Do be sure he supports your child.

Sad excuse of a man. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

GrowingPains1 · Sep 14, 2010, 08:18 PM

Everything everybody has said I agree with. I know statistics show he'll never leave her. And I know in my heart that I have to walk away. And the sooner the better. But knowing he's in my life for at least the next 18 years is what makes it so hard. If it was only me I would cut him out of my life A.S.A.P and deal with my emotions. But I can't imagine my child in another woman hands. This is my first child and his first. And truth be told he has always treated me with respect and has done anything for me. He slept at my house everyday and I never heard him on the phone with her. He does often go to NY on the weekend which is where I thought lived with his mother, now I know it's her. I find it hard to believe she didn't know about me. Cause signs of me is all over his car. I leave my perfume in there. And I find it exactly where I leave it. I leave my heels in there I find that exactly where I left it. My Cds are all in his Cd case with my name on every single one of them. I leave my nail polish and lip gloss in there. The only thing I was ever suspicious about was the fact that he goes to NY so much on the weekend. But he never ignored my phone calls and he always called me. The only reason I even felt like something was wrong is because he's in the navy and he's from a different country. And in some countries men like to have two families and in the Navy men like to have 2 woman to. I guess what it comes down to is, everyday I realize I have to have this man in my life for 18 years if I want to be a fair and good parent to my child. He is a very involved dad right now. I'M 23 weeks pregnant and he is buying everything. He is purchasing everything online and I tell him to slow down, but he's just so excited about the baby. I know it sounds crazy and selfish but a part of me wish he wouldn't be so involved so I can get rid of him and move on with my life. And if I wasn't pregnant I would be out shacking my tail father all up in the club, LOL! I'd move on just fine then.but how do you move on from somebody who you can't or shouldn't get rid of? I guess this is what they mean when they say babies makes things more complicated.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 14, 2010, 08:28 PM

Even if he left her for you, how soon would you be the NY wife and there would be a new girlfriend somewhere else.
Also who knows if on all those time on the ship, he was not really with a third women

I hope his wife leaves him, he deserves it, and she deserves someone who will be true.
I hope you never talk to him again and sue him for every penny in child support you can get

DoulaLC · Sep 15, 2010, 04:01 AM

You will have to decide if you want to continue the relationship as it is or not. If you continue, you will have him part of the time; sharing him with his wife... that is IF she stays with him. She may have suspected another person was involved but was too hurt and unwilling to accept it; no doubt wanting to believe the lies he told her about his whereabouts.

If you decide you want, and deserve, something more, then let him go. Tell him while you care for him and want him to be a part of your child's life, you simply can not trust him and that you want a full-time partner in your life. He will plead his case, he will swear his love for you, he will likely even make promises of being together as soon as he gets a divorce.

Hopefully you will be tied to him for at least the next 18 years, because it will mean he has remained in his child's life as he should do. It does not mean, however, that you have to remain involved with him anymore than what has to deal with your child. Many divorced couples live this arraingement every day. Besides, if you cling onto him, how would you have the opportunity to meet someone who is actually available to be with you completely and honestly?

I can tell you that most in any branch of the military do not look favorably on a married man having someone on the side. It certainly doesn't bode well for that pesky bit about having honor now does it.

answerme_tender · Sep 15, 2010, 06:19 AM

You said that he as always treated you with respect. You need to look up the meaning of that word, because Iam sure your not going to find, cheater,lying,manipulating there!! You are now just trying to convience yourself to stay!! Hey if that is all you want out of life is to share a man with another woman, then go for it. I read an expression on here from someone that is so direct and very much to the point when it comes to messing with another woman's man its to live by. "Why would you want to wear another womans used panties" Maybe he wife couldn't get pregnant and they have been just waiting to find someone who could, did you ever think about that!!

Jake2008 · Sep 15, 2010, 06:46 AM

Have you considered that if he could pull off such a ruse with you, that his is lying about everything else?

What if she is not his wife, but his 'common law' wife, or a long-time girlfriend. How do you know that they went to the courthouse and got married, have you seen the papers? How do you know that he served her with papers to divorce, he actually went and got a lawyer? And isn't it unusual for a husband to serve his wife the papers? Isn't that usually done by a third party? How come your CD's and perfume etc. were all over his car, and he didn't bother to clean up the evidence, and how do you know that he doesn't really live with his mother, or a male room mate, and that he isn't about to be married to someone else, and had to throw you off the trail. You've never seen a wedding ring have you? Marks from a wedding ring?

I would be inclined before I went one step further with him, to have him investigated. My gut tells me you have a man on your hands who has at least one 'other' life going on here, and you have no proof either way as ot the veracty of anything he has ever said. If you buy what he's selling, he's setting you up. Probably so that you don't seek your own lawyer, to establish paternity and child support. Buying stuff for the baby is not child support, he should be buying stuff anyway.

Are you going to hold him legally responsible for his child? Maybe he has other children with other women, and likely if he is that careless with you getting pregnant, I'd say it is at least possible he is already a father.

You did say you met his family, right? His friends at least? What country is he from, and do you know if there is cooperation between the US and his country, should he decide to return there on vacation with his baby, and decide not to return?

His excuses are pretty flimsy, and his actions, all the way around, do not seem credible to me.

I get the impression that you really don't know anything about him, other than what he has told you, and you have no proof of anything, other than a call from someone calling themselves 'his wife', and even that much could be a lie as well.

Do you believe he has told 'her' that you are pregnant? Doesn't she wonder or resent the fact that he's spending so much money on you and your baby?

I think the first thing you need to do is hire a lawyer. The second thing you need to do, is find out who this guy is.

And, whether to keep him in your life, will most likely be decided when you have information to confirm what he says, for all of the above points.

Be careful, get your head out of the sand, and find out what's real, and what isn't. You have a baby to protect here.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 15, 2010, 07:13 AM

He may be busy buying things for the baby now, but that does not mean he will continue once the baby is born.
He sounds really weird.
He may have a woman and baby someplace else as well. He may not even have a wife, that could be his excuse to keep you at bay.

I think you need to draw some boundaries with him. If he is married you already know he has none. You need to make them. He can help you as far as the bay is concerned, but while he is married, while he is living a double life, you should have very little to do with him. Don't dig yourself deeper into this hole.

donf · Sep 15, 2010, 07:44 AM

From your description, I suspect that this louse is a member of the U.S.Navy and probably home-ported at either NOB or Little Creek Amphib.

If that is true, you can have this discussion with his commanding officer. You have serious issues to deal with. First off, medical treatment for the child. While he (father) is in the Navy, your child is eligible for dependent care and may be eligible for pre-natal care. You are not!

Child support that may be due you and the child, may be difficult to get out of the Navy without going through the Military Judicial System. I honestly do not know whether a State can impose a garnishment of Military Personnel.

Before you listen to another word from this louse, please talk to a Military Chaplin at the base or to his commanding officer.

Personally, I think you would be wise to pay attention to the advice you have received here. It is good advice.

This bum, is not the first sailor to take advantage of the deployment system to play around. I seriously doubt that there is any future (that will not leave you hung out ) with him.

You do not need the anguish.

One last thought, I have said this before, look at your history with this guy. You started into your relationship based on his lies to both you and his wife.

Why or how can you ever trust this guy.

donf · Sep 16, 2010, 06:58 AM

Dear Growingpains.

I checked with one of Chaplains at Oceana, NAS and verified that the proper method is to speak with a Chaplin at the base where the louse is stationed.

They are equipped and capable of guiding you through the process.

Here is the phone number for the Chaplain's office at NOB, 757-444-7361.

Good luck!