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jmappelleaudrey · Sep 14, 2010, 10:03 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, both live in the same city and ardently love each other. With that being said, I'm really confused right now about the living situation. Im at a new university across the city so I can't live with my family anymore and have to move into a new flat with new roommates and logically if I spend so many nights at my boyfriends like I am already it seems pointless to be paying for a place too. I work and am at school during the days mostly so I would want to spend time with my boyfriend as much as I can. Before I brought this up he said "well you can stay with me until you find a place" which upset me since I was hoping he would want me to live with him. His flat has several rooms and they are all his friends, guys and girls. Another one of our friends (who I met through him) offered to pay half rent to live with me. Isn't it strange I'd be living with one of his friends and not my own boyfriend? I feel like he beat me to the punch before I could even ask about us living together. I can't understand why or what's going on. This seems strange to me not to mention he could have asked me to live with him and pay half the rooms rent or something.
I feel like this is something he wants at his convenience and he has a lot of control over this and I'm resenting it. Now I'm having feelings that I wouldn't want to see him when I get my own flat to show him a lesson, which is very unlike me and my type of thinking. Why would I pay for a flat though and not stay in it and enjoy it if I'm paying the money, if I'm basically the fourth roomie at his place sleeping nights there then it seems to me that I'm paying for something for his convenience if that makes any sense. I feel like I'm going to be throwing money away and for no reason just for his mental security. Im so frustrated and I feel guilty for feeling frustrated above all.

kctiger · Sep 14, 2010, 11:09 AM

Moving in together is a HUGE step in a relationship, HUGE! It is truly a make or break situation. I don't care how many nights you spend together, once you move in, it's for real. You can't go blow off steam at your own place, you share everything, it is really a lifestyle change. I am speaking from a guy's perspective here, so it may be different from a woman's.

Maybe your boyfriend has some of the same fears as the ones shared above. Moving in isn't something that should be a rash decision. It has huge implications and should be discussed and thought about thoroughly before a commitment. While logistically speaking it may make sense to move in, there are a whole lot of other factors to be considered.

answerme_tender · Sep 14, 2010, 11:26 AM

No offense, but you have heard the saying " why buy the cow, when get the milk for free". Its time to roll up the utters and move on young lady. You are wasting your time. He isn't interested in a relationship other then the " College Relationship Fling". Even if its been two years, he its willing to commit anymore of himself. The real question is are you willing to stay in this relationship as is. Good luck

kctiger · Sep 14, 2010, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by answerme_tender

No offense, but you have heard the saying " why buy the cow, when get the milk for free". Its time to roll up the utters and move on young lady. You are wasting your time. He isnt interested in a relationship other then the " College Relationship Fling". Even if its been two years, he its willing to commit anymore of himself. The real question is are you willing to stay in this relationship as is. Good luck

He isn't into the relationship because he won't move in with her? How do you assume that? I dated a girl for 5 years and we didn't move in together. Where is the parallel between moving in and being committed? They are in college, they aren't in their late 20's and looking for a family. May not be for me to say, but no way I would advocate my daughter living with her boyfriend while in college. Just my opinion.

Kitkat22 · Sep 14, 2010, 11:29 AM

I think he is being very cautious, which is good. Moving in with him
Could put a strain on the relationship.

Don't be mad at him. He could be looking out for your feelings also.
If other people are living there he might want to keep your relationship between the two of you.

It's kind of hard to be romantic when there's a fulhouse

answerme_tender · Sep 14, 2010, 11:45 AM

Kc--thats all anyone gives, is their own opinion. I was not advocating them to move in at college age---thanks

Homegirl 50 · Sep 14, 2010, 04:38 PM

He does not want you to move in with him, I don't see it as a problem. That is a big step and it could be one he does not want to make.
Not all couples choose to shack and there is nothing wrong with that.

silverlining · Sep 14, 2010, 06:45 PM

Sorry but unless I'm missing something I don't see anywhere in your post that he has said he doesn't want you living with him.. You are just assuming things.

You said : "Before I brought this up he said "well you can stay with me until you find a place"

For all you know he doesn't even know that you WANT to live with him.. I suggest that you talk to him about this if it's upsetting you this much.. IF he tells you point blank that he doesn't want to then you can discuss his reasons etc and go from there..

talaniman · Sep 16, 2010, 07:37 AM

Talking and listening is better than assuming, and presuming. Maybe he isn't ready for that kind of commitment, and that's fine, but this is something you discuss together, and sort things out together, or apart.

Obviously he has a different view of the relationship than you do.

Kitkat22 · Sep 16, 2010, 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Talking and listening is better than assuming, and presuming. Maybe he isn't ready for that kind of commitment, and thats fine, but this is something you discuss together, and sort things out together, or apart.

Obviously he has a different view of the relationship than you do.

He may have a different outlook on the relationship. He's young and so are you.

ljubljanan · Jun 6, 2011, 02:16 PM

the problem isn't in that he does or doesn't want to live with you, the problem is that you don't even feel like you can bring up your feelings about it to him directly. You need to be able to have this conversation with him openly. This feeling of inability to talk to him about the living situation because he beat you to the punch or is being controlling seems to signal that there is a power imbalance. You need to sit him down and have a talk. Ask him why he said that, what he thinks, why he thinks it. Also, tell him what YOU want and why you want it, because what you want is the most important thing in this equation..

best of luck