[v.neilsen]

She has a good home and lots of love. She is mixing with a bad crowd and seems to think they are wonderful. She has been missing school with these kids and roaming the streets. After 7 days gone she was found and brougt home. She actually said she wanted to come home. She was home for 2 nights and left again this morning as I refused to let her stay at a friends tonight (being Friday) and the weekend. She simply and very quietly left early this morning. Left a message on her bed saying "sorry Mum I'm just a runaway mistake" This time I'm more angry that devastated. I feel like just letting her go and get into trouble and learn what we are trying to explain to her. Anyone with any advice would be great. She flatly refuses to talk to any counsellors.

[twinkiedooter]

Have you explored having her locked up for her own good?

[HelpinHere]

I can speak from experience that learning from your mistakes is the easiest (and hardest) way to learn. Especially when concerning something like this. This is coming from the perspective of someone who's been where she is now, and not that long ago even.
However, it sounds to me that, despite their negative influence on her, she is feeling more welcomed there then at home. The first thing you need to do is everything you can to find her. Give the local police a picture, they'll keep their eyes out. Ask her friends, or friends' parents if anyone has seen her, or might know where she would go. If she has a cell phone, call her, tell her that she can come home whenever she wants. Don't be mad or angry, just let her know that you miss her and want her home.

When you find her, sit down and talk to her. Keep calm and let her talk. Ask her why she prefers this "bad crowd" over her friends and family. Explain to her exactly what makes them "bad". Most importantly, let her know that she is not a mistake, and she has no need to run away. She can come to you whenever she has a problem and you'll help. You shouldn't get mad or punish her when she does, because even though she may be doing something she shouldn't, she's telling you instead of trying to hide it from you. She's already done it, so punishing her can't prevent it, and her coming to you is positive behavior and should be met with a positive response.
All situations like this are different, but on top of it all you ARE the parent, and regardless of what stress this puts on you, you need to remember that she is going through just as much, and if you act as a dominant force you're just going to drive her away. You need to work together to repair your relationship, and it has to start with you.

Finally, do not let her refuse counseling. Take her even if she doesn't want to go. She needs it and it WILL help even if she refuses at first.

[Wondergirl]

She flatly refuses to talk to any counsellors.

Why does she have a choice in this? Make an appointment, and she goes with you to it. Allow the counselor to talk with her alone. To get her there, tell her you need to find out what you're doing wrong in parenting her.

When I counseled at Catholic Charities, it was amazing how fast young defiant teens opened up to us! We were willing to listen to their side of the story, and they couldn't wait to tell us.

[Fr_Chuck]

First learning by her own mistake, coming home pregnant or with a STD or both. Perhaps after she has been involved in a robbery or hooked on drugs? So learning by mistakes can be a mistake.

Next of course have you gotten juv authorities involved, perhaps a boot camp or detention for a short period.

After that of course while a couselor may not help her, she has no choice in what you make her do

[Enigma1999]

Hello V,

I'm going to share something with you that I normally don't share with too many people, because I am so ashamed of it.

When I was 16, my parents moved our family to Alabama (from Chicago). I really didn't want to move there. I didn't want to leave my friends and everything that I know and love behind.

Just a little back round of me at 16. I was smart, a good student, loved my parents and Brother with all of my heart, I listened to them and did exactly what I was supposed to.

So, now I am at this new school, with new students. At first, the people I had become friends with were quite, smart kids. So things were going OK for me. My grades were still good and I behaved just fine.

That is, until I turned 17. I wanted more for myself, to be noticed. I was invited to go to this party, where I had my first drink. I liked these people. They were funny, daring, and mouthy. Things that I wasn't. So I started to hang out with them. Slowly my grades started to slip. I was staying out later, getting mouthy with my teachers. My parents didn't approve of my new "cool" friends.

Then one day it hit me. I blamed my parents for moving us away and now there going to choose who I can and can't hang out with.

So I along with two other o my friends ran away from home, leaving our parents a letter saying sorry. We ended up in Kentucky when I decided to call my parents. My Mother crying on the phone begging for me to come home. I too started to cry. I had remorse. So we turned the car around and went home...

Things weren't going my way, so a week later I ran away again. Only this time I was gone for 4 nights and 5 days. During that time I had my ups and downs. We slept in a car, ate unhealthy meals, took a bath in a river... We had no money. I was scared because men in their 40's was hitting on me. I was very scared and kept wondering why I was doing this. I kept thinking about my parents and that I love them very much and I am young and innocent.

So 5 days later at about 6:30 in the morning, I dragged my tired, hungry, helpless self to the front door and begged and cried for them to let me in. They only opened the door to tell me "no". For an hour, I begged. They told me that I needed to get my act together. No more hanging out with those people, acting up at school, get better grades, respect them... Also, they told me that, not one time did they try to find me. They left it in God's hands.

So, I got my #### together. I got straight A's, graduated school earlier than my calss, became friends with respected people, went to college, so on and so forth. To this day, when I go to my parents house, I will curl up with my Mother in her bed and tell her how much I love her anf Father, and that if it weren't for my mistakes, I wouldn't have learned to be a better person.


V, you can do what Twinkiedooter suggests, however, I think by doing that, she will become even more upset with you and rebel even more.

Your situation is an unfortunate, but I really think that you need to show some tough love and let her come back home on her own. Sure, this will be the toughest thing in the world to do. Sitting there wondering if she is alive. I know that.

She needs tough love.

I'm sorry for you.

[v.neilsen]

Thank you so much. I agree with your advice and will hang in there. I will also someway get her to counselling. She is so strong willed and I think she needs to come home when she is ready. Just hope to God she stays safe. Thanks again xx

[Jake2008]

She is 13 years old. Not 16, not 18, but 13.

You need to take charge here.

Find out who these kids are, where they live, who their parents are, and start knocking on doors until you find her.

If these are kids she goes to school with, how could this 13 year old be missing for 7 days? What did you do to try to find her? Who found her? Did you knock on doors, drive the streets, enlist the help of the police, file a missing persons report? Please tell me you tried something.

After she was 'found', and was home for two days, she left for her friends house, and you did what then. Follow her? Find her? Call the parents of the friend?

I can tell you I also been where you are now, and I did not wonder about anything, other than getting her home. We enlisted my sister, her truck, my friend and her dog and her car, and I knocked on doors, flagged down cruisers for assistance for where parties and hangouts were, and generally bothered the he** out of everyone even remotely associated with my daughter, or her friends, and that included the parents!

I insisted on meetings with the school officials and dared them to charge me with their truant officer because the truant officer was not doing their job in assisting me in keeping her in school. I asked for and got counselling, testing, and guidance from all those that are paid to do that very thing. If you don't demand it, you won't get it.

You put alarms on your doors if you have to, and security locks on all the windows. You lay down the law, and you stick to it. No friends in, no friends outside. Drive her to school everyday, and sit in the classroom to make sure she stays put. (I know a mother who actually did this, and the embarrassment it caused her daughter resulted in zero skipped days of school after that).

Pick her up after school, plunk her derrierre down at the kitchen table, and set the timer for one hour of homework. No TV, no computer, no cell phone, no video games, no compromise.

Give her chores. Washing the floors, cleaning the bathrooms, doing laundry, yard work, etc. She has to become a part of the family, and she is responsible for her part.

You don't like who she hangs out with, what she's doing (do you know?), and that she is skipping school. Cut out the friends, tell her what she will do, and won't do, and that you will check every single day with the school. I guarantee you if you call them and tell them what you are trying to do, they will be happy to cooperate.

She is, once again, 13 years old. This has already gone too far. I would guess that she has already tried drinking and drugs, and is sexually active. Think about that, and what the consequences of that will be for her. You really have to step up here and parent this child.

It's not optional.

[Jake2008]

Enigma,

You were fortunate that you were mature enough, and smart enough to turn your life around, and get back on track. I am happy that you didn't find yourself in a whole lot more trouble than you did while you were on the road.

You are a good example of why tough love can work, with kids who are older than our OP. You had a good solid home, and some very good guidance and parenting there to have grown up so well and learned so many valuable life lessons. Before you took off.

That is what brought you home, your own ability to know right from wrong, and discern danger, analyze options, and return to the safety of your own home.

Those characteristics, were developed by good parenting. To have you develop to that point, was a lot of hard work and skill, that you recognize fully now.

But, a 13 year old is not equipped, or mature enough to do what you did, without suffering severe consequences because she is not yet able to take care of herself to any degree. There is a very big gap between her age and yours, and where letting you go as a form of 'tough love' worked, it worked because you were old enough to figure things out for yourself. She is not.

Letting a 13 year old go and hope that she returns in one piece is negligent, if not illegal. To allow this, is beyond my comprehension. There are so many things that can be done to correct this situation, but, I haven't heard yet of any direct action. 7 days gone, God only knows where she ended up, who she was with, or what she was doing. Or who found her.

I appreciate what you have done, and if I were to meet your parents, I would say, "Well done, you are great parents", and likely sit and compare our experiences together. You have done well, because of how you were raised.

I'm no so sure this is going to be the case with this 13 year old. I find the mother's attitude very upsetting.

[Enigma1999]

Enigma,

You were fortunate that you were mature enough, and smart enough to turn your life around, and get back on track. I am happy that you didn't find yourself in a whole lot more trouble than you did while you were on the road.

You are a good example of why tough love can work, with kids who are older than our OP. You had a good solid home, and some very good guidance and parenting there to have grown up so well and learned so many valuable life lessons. Before you took off.

That is what brought you home, your own ability to know right from wrong, and discern danger, analyze options, and return to the safety of your own home.

Those characteristics, were developed by good parenting. To have you develop to that point, was a lot of hard work and skill, that you recognize fully now.

But, a 13 year old is not equiped, or mature enough to do what you did, without suffering severe consequences because she is not yet able to take care of herself to any degree. There is a very big gap between her age and yours, and where letting you go as a form of 'tough love' worked, it worked because you were old enough to figure things out for yourself. She is not.

Letting a 13 year old go and hope that she returns in one piece is negligent, if not illegal. To allow this, is beyond my comprehension. There are so many things that can be done to correct this situation, but, I haven't heard yet of any direct action. 7 days gone, God only knows where she ended up, who she was with, or what she was doing. Or who found her.

I appreciate what you have done, and if I were to meet your parents, I would say, "Well done, you are great parents", and likely sit and compare our experiences together. You have done well, because of how you were raised.

I'm no so sure this is going to be the case with this 13 year old. I find the mother's attitude very upsetting.

Thank you Jake:)

[v.neilsen]

Thanks Jake, the school has been wonderful. She and I are texting constantly. She has asked for money and I have refused unless she comes home. 3 of us have been out looking. She is not far from home and I believe in a family situation. V