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honda.accord · Sep 9, 2010, 09:37 AM

I have been dating a muslim man for 3, almost 4 years. We are actually engaged now. Then through one of his co workers, I found out that he is married and has a five year old son.

It was an arranged marriage in Pakistan. They do not want to be together so they have lived seperatly. They currently live an hour away from each other but now he wants his son to live with him to go to school around him- and as he put it- were his son goes his mother has to go too. Of course he says he doesn't love her at all and that he loves me. But its super complicated since there is a child involved.

I asked him why did you ask me to marry you then? Through months of dodging all my questions. He told me he can't get divorced because that's the worst thing that can happen to a muslim women and that we doesn't know when we can get married since even though 2nd marriages are allowed in his relaion, the U.S. doesn't allow them. (well duh lol lol).
I asked him then why did you fall in love with me, why did you let me fall in love with you, and why did you propose marriage to me? Oh course he had no answer, and I told him to get out of my house.

This man promised me everything- a house, kids, etc. And now I feel as though my whole life has been ripped from me. No matter what I feel I just don't understand why he would let our relationship get so deep you know? And the fact that he can't answer my questions make me feel enraged!

There is so much more but you get the point... I guess this makes me nothing but the other women... What the heck should I do now? I was about to convert to Islam for him and everything!

answerme_tender · Sep 9, 2010, 09:56 AM

Can we say citizenship!! Be thankful you found out in time. Your going to hurt for awhile and it won't be easy, but read through some other postings and follow advise given by the senior members and experts. Its good advise start with "NO Contact". I wish you the best of luck and am very sorry for you to have go through this.

beachloverjohn · Sep 9, 2010, 10:03 AM

I think you know what you have to do. You have to keep away from him and rebuild your life. You were deceived, and lucky his coworker told you about this, or who knows how much longer this would have gone on. Maybe you should have ended it as soon as you found out, but I understand the emotional investment you had in this man.We know he was a scoundrel you know it, and he knows it. But now that you know, you have to take time to heal from this, and the only way to do that is recognize what an SOB he was, put him out of your mind for good. Doesn't matter what marriage arraingements he had, it was his obligation to tell you these facts so that you could have decided then if you wanted to stay with him or not. Very unfair what he did, and you are way too good for this mam. And don't blame yourself for any of this because you were lied to.

honda.accord · Sep 9, 2010, 10:20 AM

He and his son are citizens but his wife is not. I even said I would married him once I convert and that we can all live in a two family house. I know it wouldn't be legal in the US but. I really want kids and I love him so much

honda.accord · Sep 9, 2010, 10:21 AM

We have broken us several times but only to get back together again. He fully admits to being a monster lol. He knows he was wrong. No matter what we always get back together.

beachloverjohn · Sep 9, 2010, 10:34 AM

honda.accord : He and his son are citizens but his wife is not. I even said I would married him once I convert and that we can all live in a two family house. I know it wouldnt be legal in the US but. I really want kids and I love him so mu

It's your life, if that's what you want, then good luck.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2010, 10:38 AM

You have just gotten the facts together to make a decision, since now you know of all the extra baggage that comes with him. And the drama too! (two wives?? )

The real red flag that stands out is why the deceit, and inability to answer your questions, and concerns.

That alone is a signal he is NOT a good marriage partner for you. Consider yourself lucky this went no further than it did, as that would have been quite the dilemma then. To answer your question directly though, you keep his dishonest a$$ well away from you, and seek love, and happiness with an honest man. He ain't it, and the truth of the matter is this whole experience will suck for a while, but you will heal in time, and get beyond it.

Shadowburn · Sep 9, 2010, 12:28 PM

Good start would be to dump his sorry @ss ASAP if you haven't already. Don't waste another second of you life on this liar and cheater. Remember, you know only one side of the story. To his unsuspecting wife, he may be a perfectly loving husband who had to live separately fro awhile due to immigration/job/etc. and she was patiently waiting all those years for them to reunite.

Don't ask him any more questions, he won't be able to answer them because he lied to you, lead you and made you promises he never meant to keep. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but the sooner you'll cut him off and go NC, the quicker you'll put it all behind you.

Good luck.

eightzeros · Sep 10, 2010, 05:01 AM

I am from Pakistan & I can tell you for sure that Muslim men are allowed to have 4 wives but this was back then, when wars were rampant & many widowers would face difficulty in living a life on their own, this is way back 600 A.D & so... however, now if a man marrys more than 1 woman... it is not a good idea. Economically speaking no one can make the balance between two wives and emotionally speaking it is a disaster. This guy is selling you something wrong.

Divorce, is not the worst thing that can happen to a Muslim woman. Divorces happen out of different reasons... so this guy is wrong again.

If he has married a woman in Pakistan as it was arranged for him, he must have seen her pictures or learned about her before accepting her. It will be untrue that he was forced to marry. On top he got a son and now he would not like to divorce his first wife because this would make him away from his son's life.

He might have loved you because he was single abroad. I don't know if he has got Green Card, if not then I am guessing that is what he was after. The thing that he lied to you, shows that he would never stand up for you. I am sorry but Pakistani men who have wives back home and have involved in new relationships abroad, have most of the times, mistreated their new partners because in a society like in Pakistan, approval of parents and relatives is very important, I am afraid you might not get one no matter how good you be. His first wife is well accepted because she is chosen by his folks.

He is up to no good, he won't divorce or get separation... it would be wise to be with someone who gives you due importance & respect. You are too good for him. What he will ask you is to accept him as he is & will raise his family & rest of family members on your expense... I am sorry to say this but I have seen many doing this. You will find much better men, this guy is a big loser.

Kitkat22 · Sep 10, 2010, 05:33 AM

Run away as fast as you can. You will be sorry if you get any further into this relationship.

confused63 · Sep 10, 2010, 06:28 AM

I am in similar situation. I busted my lover of several yrs of hiding the fact that he had a live in GF while continued to see me.

When the GF was told about what he was doing he was the one who got all indignant and nasty.

Leaving all kinds of hateful messages(I would assume as to put a show on for her as a way to play it all off) but in the end he'll wind up the loser.

Rhese types of men usually never change and seem to always come back.

Cat1864 · Sep 10, 2010, 07:01 AM

Please do not respond to posts in the comment box. Instead, use the Answer box at the bottom of the page. It notifies posters that you have replied to the thread. Thank you.

The other times you broke up and got back together were without the knowledge you have now.

Let him and his wife and child go. As Tal said, it will hurt, but you will get through it. Heal and someday you will be ready to build a relationship with someone who wants to build one with you, not you and his first wife.

slapshot_oi · Sep 10, 2010, 07:04 AM

What a d-bag. Who keeps a secret that huge for that long?

Good job on kicking him out of your house.

I met a Pakitstani girl a few months ago, very beautiful. She'd constantly flirt with me and tell me how lame her husband is. I began to wonder if she had an arranged marriage, but I never had the guts to ask her.

verasea · Sep 12, 2010, 10:07 AM

Hi, I went through tha same as you did, I understand how much you hurt.The only thing I believed in these 2 wife thing,and stayed as you want right now, his other one lives in Pakistan, he claimed she will never come here, it was arranged, he never loved her, after I have so many years wth him-2, I wanted to have a child and be with him,as you do right now, I didn't face the reality, I did believe him again.Stayed for 2 more years, all those years I was fighting, trying to balance the situation, he never fulfilled his promises, was sending money to Pakistan.. I break it.I left.I was devastated.So Don't believe him again.You put yourself in horrible position.
I am still healing.I you am like was going to convert for my children.. But now knowing all the truth makes me the other woman too.I feel horrible about everything.In my religion it's a sin. It's a big decision. Don't do it to yourself. Make yourself separate.for at least 4 months -dont talk, don't see, go away somewhere.-you need to be yourslef again. I KNOW how you feel,I am still healing.Asked myself how I can believe and stay again? I also offer 2 wives home, like you did, hoping we can be together, I am reading your post like about myself, I was thinking to do that,was sending presents for his children.. Don't do this.
>Removed<
I will support, I've been there.Nobody will understand you, christians think its sin, but you been there , loved, and then been told the truth -its horrible experience.In my experience he never fulfill his promises, we lived for 2 more years together after I found out everything, because like I loved him so much and didn't want to lose him, and want to have children with him,we always fight about his lies, I remember about this all the time, he sent money there, never had enough for us, his relatives didn't want to except me... as people wrote here- you will be unexcepted.Do you want to do this to you child?What stop me- thinking of child?How he will feel? Its quite a mess for him.Maybe this will cool you down a little bit. SEPARATE YOURSELF!
And also he was my first man-imagine how I feel... now I am taking such a long break from man.

Kittycatephant · Sep 12, 2010, 10:30 AM

Here's a question, why didn't you know more about this man? Don't you think it's a bit ridiculous to even consider marriage with someone whose coworkers apparently have a far greater knowledge of him than you?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 12, 2010, 01:07 PM

Yes, I wonder how much you really know, if this was not even mentioned and other people know.

Or of course move to his nation where multiple marrages are allowed and be wife 2.

unluckyinlovexx · Oct 24, 2011, 07:52 AM

Don't stay. I am in the same situation. The men are being selfish and don't give a rats tail who they hurt as long as they are getting the milk and the whole cow too! Figure of speech not calling you a cow. I am hurting but I know the only thing to do is just leave. Dishonesty is a big no no in a relationship. Also don't convert for him to Islam. Convert because you want to... not for him. You should read the English translation of the Qurran and then decide if it's the right religion for you. Hope you heal quickly and get on with life... I hope I do as well!!