[phantomlrp]

I will try to make this story as brief as I can. This will be covering the last year or so of this relationship. She was 18 and I was 25 when we met. I am now 30 and she is 23.

I was with the same person for 5 years. We dated for about a year and moved in together. After living together we bought a house together. In December of 2007 we got engaged. Everything was great and we were flying high.

In August of 2008 I get this computer I am typing on. My friend recommends I try out World of Warcraft. I do and I get my girl into it as well. We join a guild and play the game.

I notice she begins talking to this guy in the game and do not think much of it because from what I see it is only in the game. In June of 2009 a time comes where I see her typing a message to him saying " I was about to call", and she erases it when I look over.

I get suspicious and check phone records to see she has been texting and calling this guy for the past few months. I confront her about this and get the response of " I like talking to him and he makes me feel good". I say what is the deal and she decides to pack all her stuff up and move right out right then and there.

I get the ring back and the next day we split up joint accounts and take care of what we can. I drop her off at her fathers house and she says I am sorry. I told her I do not know if I can trust you right now and I am really hurt. A few days goes by and I do not hear from her, so I call her friend.

Her friend tells me she is in Louisiana visiting this guy and she dosen't really know what the deal is between them.

She comes back from Lousiana and we talk. She claims they are just friends, and she moves right back into our house and tells me what the problems were with our relationship and I do my best to correct the mistakes I was or wasn't doing. It was basically she felt we were stagnant and I did not care for her anymore and she talked to this guy about all the problems instead of me.

So we have a few really bad months rest of June, all of July, and into August. She continues to talk to this guy and I have to constantly ask her not to. He is visiting friends in Arizona where we live in July. She says she is going to visit her sister out of town. She did visit her sister but I find out she makes a pit stop to see him on her way there. Her friend who I had spoken to tells me she claims to have slept with this guy while in Lousiana. She denies this and says her friend is a liar and they have not spoken since then.

Well about the middle of August we take a vacation and things turn for the better. I see she is no longer talk to this guy and things are going good again. This continues all the way until January 2010.

She says she is going to visit sister again and leaves. When she is supposed to return she dosen't. I call sister who says she did not come here. I freak out and think she went to see that guy again who know attends University of Miami. She comes home and says she did not go to see her sister she went to a friends house and had to get away from everything.

Well I am suspicious and ask her if she started talking to this guy again. She says yes around start of December she did, but she did not go to see him. She has no proof she did not go see him and I have no proof she did.

Both of our b-days are in February. Weekend after our b-days we are supposed to go to Las Vegas. The day we are supposed to leave she comes home from work we both work graveyard shifts and I can tell something is really bothering her. I ask what it is and she says it is the same old stuff, I don't want to talk about it. She says she is going to have breakfast with her mom. I text her in afternoon and she says she is still with mom. I think no big deal we can leave tomorrow. I go get food and around 9 p.m. she still isn't home. I call mom who says oh she was stressed out and wanted to get away so we took her to the airport and gave her money to get a ticket to San Francisco to visit her friend Melyssa. She returns from her trip and tells me she is refreshed and San Fran was good and tells me all about it.

A few days later I am doing her laundry of clothes she took on the trip. I take them out of dryer and a plane ticket falls to ground. I look at it and it is to Miami not San Fran. I confront her she says he is just a friend she needed to get away nothing is going on between them.

Well it was crap the next few months. I lost a position at work due to being stressed about my relationship and got a negative yearly evaluation. She decides she is going to leave. She needs to find herself and become a better person. She is going to move to San Fran to live with Melyssa. I do not want her to go but know I can not ask her to stay as she will come to resent me. She says I won't go if you don't want me to. I tell her go if you want.

Memorial day weekend it turns in to she is going to Dallas,TX to live with Melyssa's aunt. On June 2, 2010 she leaves. Packs all her stuff, quits job at hospital, takes her dog and jams out.

I go NC with her and we do not speak for about a week. I contact her because I can no longer afford our house by myself. I tell her the mortgage company will need some paperwork from her reference a home loan modification.

Like a dum-dum I continue to talk to her almost everyday via texts about whatever. She claims to be in Dallas, then back in AZ, then San Fran. She got a ticket so she has to come to court in July.

July comes she comes to AZ and is here for 5 days. She stays at my house every night except one and we sleep together. Her time to depart comes and she leaves.

I find stuff on Facebook about her going to a party in Miami and she says she just visited. The mortgage company is calling me nonstop because she is lollygagging on getting her paperwork in. She claims to be in San Fran but I know she is not because she has no job and can not pay her car so they call co-signer asking for money and also tell them she gave an address in Miami where she is. I found forum post about Skype webcam sex which she says is an inside joke.

Well she screws me on the loan mod. She did not get paperwork in on time so they close it out as non-responsive.

That was a few weeks ago but here I am still tangled up and talking to her. Her story now is she did live in Miami for awhile but did not tell me because she did not want to deal with the I know you are f'ing him drama. She says he is a close friend and that is it. She needs time to be herself because she never got that time and we moved to fast in our relationship. She has not slept with anyone since she has been gone etc.

She basically makes it sound to me like she wants to party and live her life for awhile then she will be back. I tell her this isn't how it works. You are either with someone or you aren't. She keeps making reference to us. Texting things like We'll need that. Our this and whatnot.

At this point I really have no reason to contact her anymore. The house deal is over and all that needs to be said has been. She just keeps her hooks in me though and I can not shake them off. I think she is probably with this guy in Miami and keeping me as the back up plan but I can not let go even after 3 months since she has been gone. She says she is going to come and visit me and still wants to talk to me. It is just too much for me to sort through on my own with my clouded vision.

Any help I get on what to do and how to go about doing it will be great. Thanks!


Also I have hung out with friends and family. It helps a lot but it is when I am alone that she always creeps into my thoughts.

I started hanging with this new girl but put the brakes on it. I told her I am not ready and do not want to hurt her as it would not be fair to her. I told her I need to get my sh*t together first.

[talaniman]

Read the stickies so you can accept, and deal with your situation and learn how through NO CONTACT, you can heal and deal with the reality of your situation, and rebuild a life that you enjoy without her in it.

Time to disappear from her life, and get your own, and you have more than enough facts for that decision.

[Shadowburn]

This is a terrible story, but yes, you do have all the facts to just cut her off for good or this will never end. Please do it, because it is just a bad situation. She keeps you hooked and is acting like it's the most normal thing - to break off engagement, walk away and still keeping you on hold. It doesn't work this way.

Please make a clean break with her, cut the contact and give yourself time to grieve and to heal. We all know how horrible the pain is, and you have 4 years of relationship to mourn over. On the other note, what a luxury it was to find out now, before you got married and invested more years of your life in her. Cut your losses now - you already lost a job over her, lost a house and your vision of a future with a woman you loved. Don't lose more by dragging it on and on.

Best of luck to you.

[phantomlrp]

She texted me today asking If everything was OK and are we still going to meet up.

It was and still is very hard to resist not answering back but I am going to try an stick to NC this time so I can finally get over her.

I want to answer back and see her but I know that is just like peeling a scab off. It may stop itching and provide temporary relief but the entire healing process has to start again.

Any suggestions on what I can do to stop this from happening, or is it just it gets better with time?

[talaniman]

Did you read the stickies?

[Stringer]

I realize that it is tough, I went through something similar. But at this point enough is enough. You begin to heal when you start to get angry with yourself... you aren't going to take this anymore, time to pull up the boot straps.

I am sure that you feel as though you are a puppet and she is the puppeteer. NC is a pair of scissors Phan, allowing you to cut the strings with which she is controlling you. It hurts but stand back and take a serious look at all this if you were not involved and someone asked you for advice on this... what would you tell them to do? At this point you have control believe it or not. You have done what you can and she has acted like an ungrateful teenager. Now you decide, it is time to move on and learn from this experience.

Good luck, you seem like a good guy, the right one is out there waiting...

Stringer

[Shadowburn]

Is it possible for you to change your number so she won't be able to contact you and you don't have to go through agony of ignoring her?

I am not a big fun of drastic measures and do believe that actions speak louder than words... and after what she's done it's pretty ridiculous for her even to contact you at all. But some people really don't get it.

If you're not strong enough to tell her to take a run and jump, just change your number. Don't put yourself though it over again. She's done it number of times already, broke your heart and destroyed your life. Save whatever's left and get out.

[silverlining]

I think changing your number is a good solution.. But you have to completely accept that it's over for good first..

I did this, changed my number because every time my ex would get in touch I wouldn't be able to resist and went back to him. Now it's been about 5 months since I've talked to him and I have finally got my life back.. You'll never be able to move on if she is always there in the background confusing you..

[phantomlrp]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I really do appreciate it.

I have thought of changing my number and may do it. She sent me a couple texts today and I ignored them and it did not bother me at all. I know I still have a long way to get through this process, and I know it will be better someday.

I have great family and friends helping me through this and also all of you on here who can give a totally unbiased view of things since you do not know me or her.

I appreciate everything. Thanks again.

[vanheart]

Sounds like you are on it.

This girl is toxic & can't be trusted. Who wants that?

Stay strong with NC & hopefully she will get the message.

Glad you have good friends & family to support. That really helped me.

This was just a crappy blip in you're your life.
One that you will be able to avoid later & spot a mile away.

[phantomlrp]

Have a question. She keeps texting me wanting to know what I am doing. She even left a voicemail today asking. She said she needs to know what I am doing.

A few people have told her I was joining the military which is not true. I know she is not making this up because I have talked to these people and they thought I was going to. Why, I have no idea. Maybe because I was in for 4 years before her?

Anyway I think she will not stop sending me texts until I tell her myself. What do you think of sending one simply saying I am not joining the military. I do not respond to your texts because I need to move on with my life and you need to do the same. You've made it clear you are happy and I accept that. I wish you the best and hope you find happiness.

And just leave it at that. Thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

[elwoodb]

Hey mate I'd ignore her, I've been on the no contact train for a while it hurts early on but you'll regain you're control. Employ the military discipline with NC as required, turn the negative into a positive and smash yourself at the gym. Currently I like to think of my ex as my old drill instructor, if I don't talk and do everything right I'll be left alone... After you've copped the 'fun' of course. Don't give her the satisfaction!

I'd avoid talking about her or your future plans to anyone that may pass information back to her.

All the best mate, stay strong/disciplined and in time it will all work out!

[talaniman]

Keep ignoring her attempts to contact you, so you won't be drawn back into confusion, and indecision, or any chance at false hope. That's why reading the stickies is so important, as the last thing you need is to on the fence about what to do for yourself, and be drawn into a friend zone that will drag your healing out for days weeks and even months. She will get the hint and stop.

[jmjoseph]

I just found this post, and have read it all.

She is sleeping with this other guy, so get tested.

You're doing a great job at ignoring her, keep it up. If you feel the need to text her back with SOMETHING, let it be like "stop bothering me", or better yet,"K.M.A.", and then nothing. For life. If she shows up at your door, don't answer it.

Be mad. Be fed up. Never allow her manipulate your feelings again.

Just remember that she is a liar, a cheater, and a user. "Just friends" my a$$. She wants her cake and eat it too.

Good luck to you. You'll find someone soon who'll make you forget even her name.

Go get checked.

[YeloDasy]

You have been so patient with her, and you have put up with a lot! She just leaves and does not tell you. She has no respect for you and she has not been honest and not communicated with you. She only wants to talk when it is convenient for her. She does not want to feel like an ***, so she is going to contact you until you show her that she can not have everything she wants when she wants it.

The NC is working for you. She is getting concerned that she lost you and so she is trying hard to get to you. So if she wanted to communicate with you, she lost her chance a long time ago. At this point, you do not owe her anything. If you decide to tell her that you do not want to talk and move on, it would feel like closure and easier to move on, but she could also get upset and try to change your mind, etc. It may not do anything to help the situation.

DO WHAT YOU NEED< NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS!! She lost her chance.

[phantomlrp]

When I have four responses that all say not to send anything back, that is something I should follow. I don't think I will send anything back to her at this time.

She probably does want a response for herself. She probably couldn't care less about what I am doing really.

[Shadowburn]

If you need a 5th person telling you the same thing, then here I am: stay NC. No, she doesn't care what you do or not do. She wants her ego stroke and to know you're there for her still.

[elwoodb]

Hey mate stay strong, this is seriously a guilt call. She has no concern about your future, only herself! It would only be about you joining back up and she would try and talk you out of it, not because it's the best thing for you but for her! Her thinking is 'if he joins up and goes to the sand pit and gets shotup ill feel guilty about that'. She has no concerns about you mate, she's just trying to make herself feel better about her poor decisions.

If you want to join backup, do it for yourself and no one else! In fact that applies to everything from now on!

All the best mate!

[mystery_girl_]

It sounds hard what you went through nothing worse then a partner lying to you.. I was in a relationship for 5 years and definitely no contact is the best way.. I'm finished over a year and all I can say is time is a healer, I didn't want to wake up in the mornings I was in so much pain but after 6/7 months it did start to get easier and for your next relationship you'll know what you want from it..

[phantomlrp]

I made a bit of a problem for myself. On Friday I had a moment of weakness and sent her the text I had talked about. She sent back well are you going into the Army of not. I told her not at this time. She said to keep her updated on my status and then text she wanted to visit but dosen't have the money right now. I just text back o.k.

So I thought that is the end of it and didn't feel bad or upset for texting her the message. Well she text late Friday night she broke her favorite cup which I had gotten her. I sent a sad face and we exchanged a few text about the cup. I made the mistake of saying well if you are ever out this way you know where to buy one at. She said I would love to visit. I didn't say anything in response. She then text you can come visit me and see where I live, but I would wait till after storm season. I asked where is that. She never responded back.

So I go to bed and don't hear from her on Saturday. Well today (Sunday) I am at work and my mind just starts racing with all kinds of thoughts about her. I tried but could not stop thinking about her.

I had another moment of weakness and sent a picture of us to her. She texted back later in the day and we talked, just small talk. I told her she never answered me back on Friday. She says oh I thought you would text me again. I am fine with coming to visit you though.

So I sat how about Friday, between then and next Thursday I only work one day. She says she has to work a few shifts this weekend. I say all right well this will be my last weekend off for awhile so... She says I don't have to visit on a weekend. I say I know but during weekdays I only have 2 days in a row off and can't take any others off because of manpower shortage.

Then I make another mistake and say what if I come to you. She says that's OK. I ask where will I be going. She says to Miami. I say OK do you have somewhere for me to stay. She says negative. I say what about Bob (not his real name). She says what about Bob, he does his own thing I do my own thing. I say I don't want any problems, and is he all right with me coming there and possibly seeing me. She says I won't bring you here. I say well if I go there I would like to see Ralph (a dog we had together) and see where you live. I promise there won't be any problems from me. I have a professional career I like and doing anything would compromise it. She says well I was just saying. Then says I am going to head to bed we will discuss this more tomorrow.

I probably should have held strong with NC, but I had a weak moment. What should I do now and what do you think of her offering me to go there?