[motamex]

My husband and I have been married for nearly 17 years and from the very early days in our relationship we decided that kids weren't for us.
We had a good marriage with the normal ups and downs as everyone else but we never had any major issues.
A few years back I've changed my mind regarding having a family and although I addressed my desires to my husband he wasn't very interested in the subject and looking at his reaction just made me feel that we left it too long and maybe he was right although my mind, my body and specially my heart were telling me a different story.

I am originally from a different country from my husband's and since we got married we ever lived in his home country therefore, for me, to go back to my home country which is on the other side of the Atlantic it was a big deal for all the prep and time that required a trip like that. I've always been very close to my family and in order to visit all my relatives and friends I had to take sometimes a couple of months off to see everybody. While I was in my home country, my husband used to meet me halfway through the holiday and he spend at least three weeks with me but then this was started to change slowly until last years I found myself spending most of my holidays by alone.
When I came back immediately I've sensed that something wasn't right.
The ironic part of this situation was that I came back home with very high expectations, I wanted to tell my husband how much I missed him and love him and also that I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to know for sure if we were going to have kids or not so I could resign to the idea for good or start talking about it and have a baby.
After my arrival and for a few months I felt that we were drifting apart and I was becoming more and more anxious and unhappy but I couldn't find the right time to talk about the situation.
One night, out of the blue, a woman knocked the door and asked to talk to my husband. That moment still stocked up in my head and I think it will be there forever.
She came to "confront him" about their relationship. Apparently they were having a relationship for a few months and he had been lying to her about everything. He told her he was divorced and lived in a completely different place.
She knew for months that he was lying to her and she had all the evidence. She look into his personal things and found receipts, my mobile number, our real address and my name plastered all over card statements, bills and so on...
Then she didn't say a word and kept it as a secret for several months until that horrible November night.
By that time, my husband wasn't aware that she knew everything. The confession came much later and she confessed it to me.
After the terrible ordeal to finding out about the affair and after long talks, fights, arguments and lots of lots of tears I decided to forgive my husband and give our marriage another go.
Everything was going fine and I truly felt that we were going to make it through. For it felt that life was giving us a second chance and we even started talking about having a baby.
Little did I know that all my dreams were going to be shattered again.
At the beginning of this year and after two months of trying to work out things in our marriage, I went out for a shopping day with a friend, my husband kept sending me all day a bunch of romantic text messages but suddenly, he called and asked me to come back home as soon as possible.
When I opened the door I could see his face in distress that scare me to death and asked him what was wrong. He said to me, with tears in his eyes, that he received a call later that afternoon from that woman saying that she was a few months pregnant.
My heart sunk and I think stopped beating for a while. To be honest, my reaction was wild, my first instinct was to slapped him and shout all the abuse in my mother tongue and in English then, I drank a bottle of wine in one go and that's the last I remember from that fatal night.
Without a doubt this has been the toughest year of my life. This has been pure hell and the devastation has been immense.
Soon after the revelation, my husband when to talk to her trying to convince her to have a termination for the sake of everybody but she refused and continue with the pregnancy.

Since then my husband and I have lived through all the extreme stages of anger, sadness, and deception and so on...
My husband has taken full responsibility for his actions and although we had the hardest and saddest time of our lives he's been asking for forgiveness and wanted me to stay.
I went back home for a few months because the pain was driving me mad. The affair was terrible to deal with but then the pregnancy was the most horrific part specially when my desire to become a mother was so strong and I felt double betrayal.

After spending time back home I decided to come back and confront the situation. My husband beg me stay and not to go. He reassure me that he was going to do everything in his power to stay together but the arrival of the baby was a fact and there was nothing he could do about it.

In between all this mess I have the opportunity to talk to that woman and that's when I had her confession out. She told me she knew that my husband was married for quite some time but by then she said "she was too deep into the relationship". She told me as well, that the pregnancy was an accident because that day she wasn't "feeling well" and was much "stressed". She also told me that she has been on the pill since the age of 14 and never ever been off since and never had any problems in the past, she is 30 years old now.
The baby was born on Sunday and my husband was there. I knew this and we agreed he should be there for the sake of the baby.
A week before the baby was born the woman send me a txt message almost demanding to meet and talk about "everything" I didn't replay to her message and my husband was annoyed because he said she didn't have the right to do such a thing.
While my husband was in hospital waiting for the baby to be born he was calling me every other hour and as absurd, sad and maybe pathetic it sounds I preferred that way rather that making the whole situation just for him and her.
It's a healthy baby girl. I'm glad the baby is OK baby she's got absolute no blame in all this matter.
As soon as the baby was born and he was sure she was all right he headed back home. He told me a few things about the baby and then thanked me immensely for being so understanding and supporting. He said that he loves me deeply and wished that things were different but the fact is that we can't change anything now.
I know he wants to be involved in that little girl's life and has been honest about it. He also said that her mother agrees, obviously, but he said that absolutely nothing whatsoever is going on or going to happen between him and her.
When my husband when to talk to her about having a termination he was very straight forward... he apologise for the lies but he had no intention to stay with her even with the baby on its way, he told her that he was still very much in love with me and wanted us to be together although he couldn't turn his back on that baby and he was going to take responsibility. I know this is true because was her who told me all this and then my husband confirmed it.
Maybe I am crazy for putting up with such a thing... maybe I'm too soft or I love my husband too much. I don't know... The only thing that I know right now is that I am numb with pain because after nearly 20 years together and 17 of marriage a complete stranger snatches all my dreams and absolute right to be the mother of my husband’s baby. I am devastated and I feel trapped because I don't know if I can live like this but I know I can't live without him.
All these years, he has been very good to me and as I said before, we never had any major problems whatsoever. I was very happy with my life and marriage and all that I wanted was too topped up with the joy of a baby. This is probably the reason why everything has been so cruel and devastating for me. I have asked my husband many times why did he had an affair and he keeps saying that although is not a valid excuse, he felt lonely when I was away and even though it doesn't make any sense he has never ever stopped loving me and he regrets every second of the affair.
What I would like to ask anyone there is that if somebody has been through a similar experience to write to me and tell me how did they deal with it? I am still very much in love with my husband but I am also desperate that another woman came alone and took something that should it be mine.
Thanks for reading and for your help :/

[jmjoseph]

Can you have children now? Maybe it's time to try to work on your marriage, and then try to be parents together. You can't go back and change all the bad that he did. It's very admirable of you for giving him a second chance. It's also wonderful that you understand that the baby is at no way to be treated as anything other than a little angel.

I hope you can find happiness in your life no matter what the source.

God bless you.

[Jake2008]

I would consider right off the bat, a paternity test. A woman who would carry on an affair with a married man, is capable of anything in the lying department. I would get that sorted out first.

While this is all so fresh, it might be wise to figure out, just what your husband means by, 'stepping up'. He's obviously taken responsibility, but what does that include. Getting a court order for visitation? Negotiating when, and how often his baby is going to be at your home? What does he expect of you as far as compromise- does he expect that you will instantly step into a step mothering role? Have regular contact with the mother of his baby? Two weeks every other Christmas and one month in the summer? What he interprets as his role in this, will directly and forever affect you as well, and this child.

And that is just the immediate future.

You are also dealing with a great betrayal, as you said. There was a distance happening between the two of you, but it wasn't just that you were in different countries while you were on holiday. He was pursuing, and had, an ongoing relationship with another woman that produced a child. His excuse of 'being lonely' is totally lame and inappropriate, and would be an insult to my intelligence if it were me.

There was the issue of whether to have children, which in itself, was major- for you. That need won't go away, nor should you settle, because he has a child of his own now. Can you see in your future, having children with him, while maintaining a relationship with his first born?

None of the marital issues have been resolved, merely put on a shelf because of the birth of his baby, with his mistress. But for the fact that she was pregnant, the affair may still be going on. Pretty hard to hide an affair when his lover shows up at your door and spills the beans. He would (obviously) from what you wrote, have preferred to keep it still a secret.

Now, on top of everything else that had caused you concern about your marriage, you are in the position of now trying to solve the issue of how to cope with your husbands new baby, and all that entails. He will have a relationship with her, because of the baby, for a good chunk of his life. The baby will come first, as it should be.

So, while you were coping with problems in the marriage, now you have had to add your husbands infidelity, his newborn baby, and a relationship that will be ongoing with his lover, for many years to come.

I would suggest that counselling for yourself, and your husband, would be very helpful in helping you to regain your footing. Until that happens, I would urge you not to make any sudden moves. And, I would establish some boundaries between yourself, and the baby's mother. This is his responsibility right now, not yours. A little respectful distance between the two of you over the baby until you figure out what you are going to do, will ease the pressure a little bit, and allow you to think more clearly.

I really do feel sorry for you having to go through all of this upheaval. It certainly isn't deserved. But on the other hand, you can make choices, such as counselling, to address the issues in the marriage, first, and decide what you are going to do over the long term with everything else.

[talaniman]

I feel for your situation and your pain, but to be honest, I am suspicious of the motives, and actions of his mistress. A paternity test is in order, and some clear lines of responsibility are a priority, if indeed it is his. Sorry, she is hardly an innocent in this sad drama, since she knew about him cheating on his wife from early on. I think it foolish to trust her at all, even as you are struggling to trust him again. Yes counseling would help guide you, so maybe you can have a clear path forward, that works for everyone, especially you, and the child, who are the only innocents in this mess.

There is much work to be done, so put feelings aside, and get all the facts before you make any decisions, and have at least consulted with someone that has your interests foremost. You have to acknowledge the many legal issues that are involved since she has a child and you don't, but having one with him NOW, at this time is NOT any solution to your problem.

You and your husband have much business, and personal matters to discuss and resolve, and this will take some time and you need help to do it properly, I think.

[brightlighteyes]

I came to this thread trying to understand the point of view of the wife.
I am afraid I am the OW who got pregnant from a married man. (Toss stones I'm prepared).
I really am sooooo sorry for what you are going through right now. In the situation I am involved in the wife can not have children and is infertile and I can only imagine how that must sting on top of everything else.

I know most people assume if a woman see's a married man and gets pregnant she did it on purpose and maybe that is true sometimes but in my case it was SOOOO not on purpose. I had just started college- and 3 weeks later found out I was pregnant. Quite a feat considering the man I was seeing told me he was not able to have kids! But considering he told me how he was in love with me and never should have married his wife (she was a great person but he claimed to have no passion for her/ they were two different people) and wanted to marry me even before I was pregnant, well clearly he was full of lies.

I have learned quite a lot from this experience though and I know hearing my view on things from the other side of the married man might not be what anyone wants to hear here but you do seem like a very level headed and practical woman. I was so happy to see you weren't damning the baby because of the mistakes of your husband and the mistress because you are right- this isn't the babies fault. I considered abortion in my case actually but because of the fact it's not the baby's fault I have decided to keep him. I have made enough mistakes and bad decisions that will effect me the rest of my life now but I do not see the rhyme or reason in making my (our) unborn child pay for our bad choices and selfishness with it's very life.

It's a shame what has happened in both of our cases though and I would like to apologize to you on behalf of the stupid and niave women out there that make the mistake of trusting and getting involved with a married man. I know I can't speak for all of them or the one that has been the catalyst for so much pain and drama in your life but I am still sorry and I can say for myself I regret with every fiber of my being ever letting myself get into this situation- not just because of my own grief over it though but because of the pain it has caused an innocent woman who has done nothing what so ever to deserve this kind of pain and betrayl and stabs to the heart and womb.

All I can say though from my experience is this (and I'll try to give the cliff's notes version):

The man I was seeing convinced me to see him- he pursued me- when I tried to end things he professed his love all the more. Not every situation is the same I know but not every situation consists of a woman looking to steal away someone's man- sometimes we are just lied to enough (much like the wives) into thinking these men actually truly care for us and intend on being there for us when in reality the only person they care for are themselves.

He lied to me & his wife.-- plain and simple.

When I found out I was pregnant he claimed he was happy and I guess all was going well but I had a feeling he was seeing someone else so I made up a fake email and pretended to me an attractive local woman that was interested in a sexual relationship. Not only did he take the bait but he tried to make a date with her for the same day of my first prenatal care visit! Classy guy huh?

After that I confronted him and told him he could be there for the pregnancy/baby if he likes but I was done with him and I never looked back again.

After thinking about things, how dumb I was and how his poor wife was about to get the surprise of her life I did attempt to contact her through face book and let her know what was happening but she ignored my message and I guess has been convinced I am lying or some crazy lady just trying to cause trouble in her marriage. I honestly just felt she had a right to know who she was married to. For me it was one thing when I was under the impression I was the only one and he had intentions of leaving her on good terms but once it was evident this guy was just a serial cheater/liar/manipulative jerk... I guess I switched my mentality from dumb and in love to a woman's rights activist and wanted her to know the truth. Of course I had hopes (some for self centered reasons) that she would leave him just as I did. But apparently she has not.

I just feel bad for her now though because - well clearly she doesn't want to hear my message of what a jerk she married and the fact that I am about to have his child ( in a week or two at this point). So she's going to be in for a rude awakening soon when the court papers start rolling in.
He doesn't know I have his home address and did change his phone number and deleted his email address after I tried to contact his wife and he has totally abondaned this child- as his hides out trying to avoid his own reality check or thinking he can just disappear but I fully intend to go after him for child support. I just hope 1) His wife can forgive me once she really is faced with the truth. I hope she can understand I was just as manipulated and deceived by him and let myself fall for his lies. I know it doesn't make me innocent in all of this but either way- I do regret my involvement with him and if I could go back in time I'd spit in his face the moment he said hello to me and end it right then and there.

I also hope 2) his wife is able to find the same self respect I was able to in the end. I understand how it's easy to stay with someone who is not being faithful and honest when the lies are well hidden but once it's out of the bag and evident what type of person you are dealing with- like I found out once I knew he was ready and willing to even cheat on me & his wife all in one shot-- well that did it for me. I didn't mope over my broken heart or try to save things for the sake of the fact that he was the father of my child on the way. I made a mistake in trusting the wrong person and getting involved period and I can own that and I can gladly say LESSON LEARNED! But once the hard truth is out there... I just don't see how anyone in their right mind would give a known liar and cheat another chance.

Like I said I thought things were different or maybe even disillusioned enough to think I was special... but once the truth was apparent.. I ran and never looked back.

Love shouldn't lie and love shouldn't hurt and that's all I know.

I hope you are able to have that baby you want though and I hope things work out for you. But please don't forget that your husband has proven himself to be a liar. He lied to you and he told that other woman he wasn't even with you when he was just to win her trust... I just hope you are careful in whatever choice you make and that you have and find a HONEST relationship with someone that won't hurt you ever again! You seem like a very intelligent and loving woman and you deserve the best and nothing less!!

[Jake2008]

Bright eyes, you speak volumes about the type of person you are, and that baby is going to have a wonderful mother!

I am happy that you are going after child support, as you should. And yes, his wife will be knocked on her derrierre bigtime with the news, however, there may be a silver lining here.

If she remains with him, and he chooses visitation, she will be involved. Your attitude toward that end of things will only be extra good for the baby,because you will be willing and capable of dealing with her in a mutually beneficial way, and with respect and consideration.

Many times it is the women who provide the nurturing, do the planning, take care of celebrations, outings and events. With both of you doing the best by this child, he or she will be a blessing in their lives, as opposed to a curse.

I truly hope this all works out for you, and that when the dust settles, the baby's father will do the right thing, and take an active role in raisin his child. I also hope that you don't abandon your educational goals, and wish you only success all the way around.

You have posted a very inspirational post, and I thank you for that.

[seeinglight]

To BrightLightEyes,

Your post is not inspiring it is sad and pathetic. YOU KNEW YOUR WERE DATING A MARRIED MAN. Stop the rationalizing and excuses already. I understand that you need to act like the victim here to justify your actions and save face. But it is evident that you wanted to get pregnant to test where you stood with this man.

If you have truly learned your lesson at least be real about it. WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG. Take some responsibility and stop playing the "poor me I got lied to" card. The father of your child was still married while he was seeing you, therefore he was lying to you... that simple. Your mistake was not "trusting the wrong person",it was getting involved with a MARRIED MAN.

You believed him when he told you he "married the wrong woman"? I am sorry dear if this man truly believed he was with the wrong woman he would have gotten out of the marriage before he started seeing you.

You felt compelled to contact this man's wife to make her aware that she is with a liar and cheat. For what? So you can win? Do you really think she is going to be on your side?

If you are truly sorry your "Cliff Notes" version would read as follows, "I made a mistake in getting involved with a married man and was wrong to try and trap him with a baby". "What I did was selfish and wrong".

I am sad for your child. It takes great strength to raise a child. Try thinking of someone else but yourself. What you did was SELFISH.