[kp747]

Hi,

I'm actually asking for help on behalf of a friend, and need some advice so I can pass on to her. I will describe the situation in point form. Sorry for long post, but the situation seems complex.

- the guy is ex boyfriend for about 5 yrs now
- has a son to ex boy friend from 5 yrs ago
- separated from him after pregnancy as he was hanging around bad crowd and she didn't want to be apart of it.
- ex boyfriend has only seen son a couple of times over the years. Doesn't really seem to genuinely care about the son.
- guy has been in other relationships, and it seems when those relationships fall apart he ends up calling her again or when bad stuff happens to him and he is in need of care
- he uses the son to get his way with her, saying he cares about him, and loves him, but doesn't really do anything for the son.
- she used to be more polite and tell him she no longer feels about him that way, but he doesn't seem to get the point.
- more recently she has been more blunt as he doesn't seem to get the point that he doesn't want much to do with him.
- he has recently been in trouble with the law, and possibly facing jail time. So leading up to this he has become verbally abusive. Threatens to kill any guy he sees her with. And she is also worried he may hurt her or her son to get at her.
- facing possibly jail time he seems like he has nothing to lose, and may do anything to get his way.

In my opinon, he seems very controlling and manipulative. It's difficult for her to get out, or get away, as he seems serious about his threats, and she is worried about the safety of her son. If he goes to jail, then that might be a good thing for a while, but what if he doesn't go to jail? What should she do? How does she handle such a crazy and volatile person? She might be worried that if she does get the police involved, maybe they can't stop him. He might go and kill her, or something nearly as bad if he has nothing to lose.

Please, any advice would be very appreciated. :confused:

[Jake2008]

I can see why you are worried, but I wonder about a few things you've posted.

Why, if he has been her 'ex' for five years now, has she not managed to say no, and mean it. Why is the relationship continuing, and why does she allow him to come back, time after time after time.

Are they living together now?

If she didn't want to expose her son to him and his lifestyle, friends etc. why didn't she do that five years ago.

Essentially, what I am asking is, why is this a problem now, when it really is the same, ongoing problem, that she has already had for five years.

As to your involvement, I hope you can provide information on shelters, and any other emergency help she may need. If you yourself can provide a safe haven for her and her son, and she has a place to go, perhaps she will choose to move out, instead of put up with more of the same from him.

She may not see the same danger you do. She obviously doesn't, or she would have taken care of business a long time ago.

Both of them in my opinion, use the son to keep a connection going.

Maybe you are a new friend to her, and you just may be able to convince her to think about actually making some permanent changes to her life, and seek out the support and services that are available to her.

Just a wild guess here, but are you her mother?

[kp747]

Thanks for you quick response.

I'm not sure what you mean by not saying no. the relationship as boyfriend girlfriend has not been continuing since 5 yrs ago. She doesn't allow him to come back in her life. He finds her number, starts send messages. Calling. And says he loves her, and wants to be with her. She will say no to that, but getting him to listen as not as easy. She'll keep saying no, and he'll eventually disappear for a bit. She might not hear from him for a few months, and then he comes back again and basically repeats.

No, they don't live together. From her side. There is NO relationship at all. She has tried to be "just friends" but he doesn't accept that. He always wants to be more than just friends. Once again, she sticks to that, but he just doesn't listen.

So yes, it does seem like it has been an ongoing problem, but nothing seems to work. She's tried being friends, she's tried ignoring him.

She has thought about he moving out option, but I think he'll eventually find out where she lives as well, as she has a job which might not be hard to find out where she works if he doesn't already know.

I think she has tried to take care of business long time ago, but it ha sbeen ongoing and nothing seems to work. It has lasted so long, as he does disappears for a few months here and there. And he also went to jail for 9 months. So that explains why it has gone on for so long.

I'm stuck for giving her advice, because she says she's tried everything. He doesn't listen. As for threats, she doesn't think the police can do anything mor ethan advise her to put a restraining order against him, but he seems erratic and probably wouldn't care, and she's probably worried that one time he doesn't care, something bad can happen.

And no. I am not her mother. I am a just a friend.

[Jake2008]

What I really meant by not saying no is that no matter how long or short the absence is between him popping in and out of her life, no just doesn't work.

He sounds like a character that is well known to local police. I don't understand why she wouldn't apply for a restraining order. Something keeps her from taking steps to protect herself.

He sounds unstable. If it helps at all, please tell her that she should seek a restraining order, and keep up her resolve, if she truly wants to, to have the order enforced. Only she can do that, and if she keeps coming up with excuses why it won't matter one way or the other, then to me, the bottom line is, she has not decided to let him go.

Be careful not to invest too much of your own emotional energy trying to help someone who won't be helped. You sound like such a good friend, but even friendship has its limits. If anything positive is going to happen out of all of this, it will be because she is finally fed up enough, and she steps up and takes care of her own business. When that happens, I'm sure you'll be there to help her.

The ex boyfriend sounds like a powder keg.

[kp747]

I think the main reason she doesn't want to get a restraining order, is cause she thinks he'll get even more angry and may do something crazy. She's worried about her son. Not so much hurting him, but he has threatened to take him away from her. i.e. kidnap. I think she just doesn't trust that police could stop it. By the time they step in, it may be too late.

Thanks for your responses. It is much appreciated.

[nicklew26]

The best way is to build a case e.g keep all threating texts, if there's any hassle while out phone the police so there's a record of the incident. If it comes to it put a restraining order on him as if your out he has to leave or he will be arressted and hopefully in time he will find someone and forget about your friend.

[nicklew26]

Well the restraining order is there to proterct her and her son, the police and courts are very hard on dometic violence and the trouble he will be in wouldn't be worth it. Plus people who are controlling like this are usually cowards and they are afraid of liosing control of the hold they have on a person. To stop the threat of kidnap, you must give a list of names to the teacher at his school of people who can pick her son up, and a list of people who may not pick her son up.

[nicklew26]

p.s. my girlfriend is going through the same thing with her ex at the moment so I know these methods do work.

[kp747]

Thanks for you input nicklew26.

I should give an update on the situation in case it may help others.

After a long while, and more threats via text messages, she finally had the strength to report it to the police and go and get a restraining order. I had been urging her for a while to get one, but as I mentioned, the fear of what may happen if the situation was aggravated was what stopped her. So getting her to actually go ahead with it was the challenge.

I think all you can do as the person standing on the outside looking in, is be supportive as much as you can, until they finally find the strength within to go ahead with it themselves. Keep telling them that it's the right thing to do, and keep supporting them so that they may eventually feel comfortable in doing what needs to be done.