[devstated]

Moved to its own thread

All this advice is meant with good intention I'm sure, but nowhere have I ever read any suggestions on how to get these stupid witches to realize that there are ruining there own lives as well as the other poor souls left behind. I've just had my wife leave me after 17 yrs in a good strong physical and emotional marriage for some 23 yr old hobo at her work, she's 36 and extremely attractive. She just seems to have fallen for the bull****, none of her family can understand it either, but here I am with 3 kids and a broken heart. If anyone has any decent advice id love to hear it, but don't feed me the same old lines I've been finding on every web site because its completely useless and doesn't help me get back my gorgeous wife that I so deeply love.


Just been dumped with 3 kids by my gorgeous what I thought was soul mate, we always told each other we loved each other, plenty of hot sex, other couples commented on how lucky we were. Then bang, 23 yr old hobo from her work that she admits will not go anywhere sweeps her away. I know everyone has good intentions but nobody comes up with anything useful to help win back your lost loved one, its all just useless talk. Unless the silly witches wake up and realize they are wasting their time and just hurting many people in the process there is no hope. Nowhere on any site have I found a scrap of decent useful advice on helping win back my beautiful wife.


Forgot to add she is 36 and we've been together for 17 yrs. I'm afraid she will find out she has made a huge mistake, but it will take her a while and I won't want her back because of all the pain she caused me. Any decent advice on how to get her to wake up would be great.


Edited, and spell checked/T

[ScottGem]

First its not a good idea to piggyback your question on someone else's. This can lead to confusion. You should start a new thread. So I've moved your question to its own thread.

Second, I have to ask why you used to different IDs?

As to your question, I'm sure there is probably some good advice on trying to win back your wife. I don't know how much you looked. But the bottom line is it may not be a good idea to even try. You will never trust her again and without trust a marriage is really not worthwhile.

What you need to do is build yourself esteem by understanding it was probably not a problem with you, that caused her to leave, but an issue with her emotional makeup. Women go through mid-life crises too. So you need to get yourself some therapy on how to put the past behind you and move on.

Oh yes, file for divorce and custody of the kids ASAP!

[redhed35]

How do you win back someone you love?

If you find out you have a best seller on your hands.

The thing is you can't win back what does not want to come back.

She has traded her marriage and homelife with the kids for something else,that may or may not work out,at some stage in the game she will pay a heavy price for her actions,either through remorse or guilt,for the hurt she has caused her family and children.

You can't make her love you,want you or come back.

As much as your hurt now,you have work to do,your kids are your Priority now,get it right for them.

I don't know what you call decent advice,maybe its some sort of magic formula to heal a broken heart,but there is'nt one,I would advice you seek some counselling to help you get some perspective on the situation and give you some coping tools.

[Jake2008]

It seems like you have been searching for answers as to how to win her back, yet at the same time, you said you wouldn't take her back because of the pain she has caused you.

You mostly describe her in terms of her looks, which is rather superficial.

Was she, (is she) a good mother, friend? Is she an otherwise honest, caring individual with a mature sense of self. Was she content in her long marriage to you?

Why do you blame 'the hobo' for being the cause of all of this. Seems to me you aren't out of the starting gate in understanding what has happened, if you are blaming another man for your problems. Do you think that if he had not been in the picture, that your marriage would be sound and happy?

People have reasons to end a long relationship. Your wife didn't wake up one morning and decide that she was going to leave you, after 17 years.

You don't state any problems in the marriage, or communication problems, or anything else other than pure surprise that she just up and left.

Maybe you have more to offer, now that she's left, to take a stab at why it might have happened.

Any ideas at all?

[JudyKayTee]

No third party breaks up a marriage unless one of the parties to the marriage is interested in the third party.

The "hobo" offered something you did not.

As far as getting her back - you can't make someone love you.

As Jake said, do you have an idea of what went wrong?

[asking]

If you think your wife is a "stupid witch" she knows that's what you think and I doubt she will be back. That is not "deep love." Like men and women everywhere, she is looking for love and respect. After 17 years, I'm sure she's figured out that she will not get respect from you. She may not stay with the young guy long. And she may be back, but it would be out of duty to her children, not for love of you.

I would recommend that you treat her with more respect, but it sounds like your main interest in her is the fact that she's good looking (and probably picks up your socks) and you are as proud of "having" her, as if she were shiny Mustang Shelby parked in your driveway.

[talaniman]

You have had excellent advice, and we know you are shocked and upset, but because she acts a fool, is no reason for you too, because you still have 3 kids to deal with, and can you imagine how shocked and hurt they are?

Mom left, so Dad better step up, and take care of his important business right now, and cry later.

Your kids are your priority, and focus at the moment, and getting your be-yoo-tiful wife back will have to wait. First things first.

[Kitkat22]

Why would you even want her back is beyond me. You say you don't want any advice on anything except how to get her back but it doesn't work that way.

The best thing you can do is take the advice you have been given and deal with it the way you have been advised. She doesn't want you. She left , she is with another man. Think about your children.

[devstated]

Thank you everyone for the replies, critical as some may be. I prob deserved it after reading my post. Scott, two ids and posts because I didn't think they went through so tried again. I have been reading everything on may sites and feeli need to explain myself a bit better now.

Yes my wife is very beautiful, but I mean it inside and out, it was just a description that popped in my head at the time as I was looking at photos of her. We have already attended counselling and she decided that she has feelings for this guy and wants a bit of her life back, going out with friends etc. she has always been an excellent mother and wife, sorry if I sounded superficial about her looks but it was not intended to sound that way. Last night I was prob fairly emotional as I had just seen and argued with her about kids. I know there is nothing I can do but wait for her and then decide if I want her back, but right now id do anything to have her back in my life. I have made kids top priority and intend on keeping it that way. I just feel so useless now. I accept my fault in why she felt this way but that doesn't excuse her for going with the 23 yr hobo. Thanks again everyone.

[Kitkat22]

I sincerely hope you find peace of mind with this situation. I really do.

Not only do you have to deal with the pain of losing your wife, you also

Have to deal with how much she has hurt your children.

I hope you will not want her back because you will never trust her again.

She chose a younger man over you and your children, to me that is
Inexcusable.

She may be a beauty queen, that still doesn't make her right. I wonder if
You take her back how long before she starts feeling like leaving again?

You will never trust her again. She knows how much you love her and
And she knows you are going to there waiting.

Don't let your children have to go through this again. She is more interested in fulfilling her own needs then she is her family.

I wish you luck and I hope you think long and hard before you make a decision. You and your children are hurting and she knows that.

I think her actions are deplorable.

[DoulaLC]

You're right, there is no excuse for cheating. Your anger, hurt, and frustration are certainly understandable.

You are also correct in that you will have to decide whether you would want her back if she did want to return. As others have said, trust will be a big issue.

Some marriages do work out; the partners put forth tremendous effort to make it better than it was before. Communication to avoid past mistakes would be paramount.

Some people are capable and willing to do that, others are not. Neither is right or wrong.

Give her her space. Focus on the kids and yourself. Stick with family and friends for support.
If she comes back, and you want to remain in the marriage, I hope you consider counseling to work through the emotions that will ensue.
If you decide you need to end the marriage, I wish you much peace and strength, and future happiness.

[asking]

Hi Devastated,
I still recommend not thinking of your wife as a "stupid witch," whether you think there's a way to salvage the marriage or not. I'm guessing she's been angry with you for a while and this was an impulsive act. I'd be very surprised if she stayed with this young man. I can well imagine your feelings are a mixture of missing her and profound anger.

Others here are right that remaining as calm as you can for the kids is a priority. Help them stay on their regular schedule, don't complain to them about their mother. Much as it will probably hurt you, try to smooth things over for them. How old are they?

[Jake2008]

Dev,

It is a relief to me that your words were not nearly as deep as your thoughts and feelings were. I can appreciate now, after your post, that you are in great pain, and are worried about the future, and in particular you children.

I don't know how the counselling went, but, on the other hand, you went, and you tried. In my experience, often times the counselling comes too late to repair the damage already done. It becomes a different road at that point, for one or the other, or both.

She was (if my math is correct) 19 when you married her. It is natural at that age to think with your heart instead of your head, and figure the love you have at the moment, will last forever. Sometimes it does, but, most times at some point, reflection on what was missed out on (real or not), can be a real draw. To settle down and have children, you lose yourself sometimes, and suddenly wake up one day and wonder, "what the he*l happened".

Many have been in your shoes right now, and many more will be as time goes on. I'm not so sure that the marriage is over just yet, considering that she is 36, and her boyfriend is 23. She hooked up with him at about the same developmental age as she was when she married you.

So what does she see? Maybe freedom, no pressure of real lifes struggles with a family to nurture, care for and support. Much of what a mother does is give so much of herself, she gets lost in the process. At some point, or at many points along that journey, you wonder if you'll have time to shave your legs that week, let alone, time alone to re-group, and rest.

Try your best to concentrate on yourself and your children; keep them busy, and above all, don't argue or throw insults around when you talk to your wife. That will only confirm to her that she's doing the right thing. Instead, while she's with Mr. Hobo, you be Mr. Cool, and as hard as it is, take the high road here, and let her make any attempts at being civil.

You might want to consider in the meantime, seeing a lawyer, and establishing security through a separation agreement. Protect your assets, and thwart the possibility that you'll go to pay for a gas fill, and there is no money in the bank to pay for it.

The discipline you need now is emotional, so that you can keep yourself above water, and be cool, calm, and collected. Organize yourself the best you can, and keep routines with the kids the way they've always been. If they see you being strong, and routines being followed, they will feel secure. It is up to you to set the example, and run the household right now.

I hope you'll keep posting with your thoughts. None of us had a very good idea of what you were really going through, until you posted a second time.

[JudyKayTee]

Seems that the problems with interpretation have been worked out but I don't understand what makes the younger man a hobo.

Did I miss something?

[Kitkat22]

Seems that the problems with interpretation have been worked out but I don't understand what makes the younger man a hobo.

Did I miss something?

Yeah... Why do you think he's a hobo? Missed that one.

[DoulaLC]

I took it as either he has little in the way of income, or it was simply a nicer name to call him than what he could have.

[devstated]

I'm 39 she's 36. About a month ago I suspected she was lying to me. Turns out she was, 23 yr old bloke at her work started paying attention to her. She told me that she told him to forget it and I believe her, however he was really taken by her that even her workmates said you need to tell him to back off sam because he really likes you. Well he kept persisting and looks like he won her over. She now says it would have happened with someone else if it wasn't him, she has been unhappy for a while. Well if she was she certainly didn't show it that much. When we did have an argument it did get to the stage where I feel I had no choice but to call her nasty names which I know is wrong, but after 10-15mins of begging to not have an argument and walking away to avoid it she keeps following very persistently to get her point across, this is when I feel backed into a corner and lash out verbally with name calling that she says hurts, I get that. Me and her sisters feel that she now says all this to justify her actions and feelings towards the new guy, her sister even said a few weeks ago she told her how much she loved me and how fantastci everything is. She left a few nights ago and is staying at his house until next week, she has organized her own place and waiting to move in. I feel ripped off that I haven't had a chance to fix things even thuogh I accept my part in calling her nasty names at times of conflict, but other than that she hasn't told me much else at present. I have the 3 girls with me 6,10,11. We have been to counselling but she stopped. I don't feel I can move on without knowing why all this happened and feel really useless. She knows how much I love her and want her, even admits to counsellor me and her family that she knows he won't be anytihng yet she still has feelings,m swears blind she hasn't had any sex at all, I want to believe that so much and don't know what to think. She had a love niteon her neck other day like a 16 yr old tramp and that crushed me. Dn tknow if I could take her back if I knew she had sex with him even though I want her so bad. I ifeel as if she explains all to me and is truthful I may be able to start orogressing, but irght now I'm juts mortified, and yes I make kids top prioirity.

[vanheart]

"she now says it would have happened with someone else if it wasnt him"

"she left a few nights ago and is staying at his house until next week"

"she has organized her own place and waiting to move in"

I would kick her to the curb. She's lying.
That doesn't even matter.

This is a sign of more from her. She broke your trust.
Don't worry about getting the reasons. She already dropped the bomb.

Id start talking to a lawyer. She obviously already has a plan...

Don't let her screw you over any more.

[Kitkat22]

"she now says it would have happened with someone else if it wasnt him"

"she left a few nights ago and is staying at his house until next week"

"she has organized her own place and waiting to move in"

I would kick her to the curb. Shes lying.
That doesnt even matter.

This is a sign of more from her. She broke your trust.
Dont worry about getting the reasons why. She already dropped the bomb.

Id start talking to a lawyer. She obviously already has a plan....

Dont let her screw you over any more.

Devastated already has a thread about the same thing. He has received some very good advice.

[vanheart]

Nuff said, then.