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scooby2745 · Aug 20, 2010, 12:19 PM

I've gotten mixed reviews on this so hopefully somebody can show me the light.
I've been seeing a new girlfriend for about 4 months now and she's a young single mother of an 18 month old boy. She's been apart from her ex for over a year now, but they are both very close to their baby and want to see him every day. I'm trying to be understanding and deal with them working this out. So far he requested that no strange guys (me) spend the night with her while their son is over. I said I can deal with this for a while since we're still pretty new to the relationship. Now he requested that she moves closer to him so it's easier for him to pick up the kid every day for an hour or two here and there. She was in a mentally abusive relationship with this guy and swears she wants nothing to do with him ever again but she does want her kid to see his dad as much as possible. I believe she really cares about me and doesn't want to be with her ex, but I can't help to wonder what is going to happen when we start moving forward with our relationship. It's tough having to leave her house at 1am at nights that she has her kid. She has three nights a week right now where she stays at my place without her son and we get along great and really want a place of our own eventually, but it doesn't look like her controlling ex will ever aprove and she's too afraid of him to stick up for herself. Should I wait this out if I really love this girl or see the red flag and get out now like some of my friends have suggested?

Devorameira · Aug 20, 2010, 12:30 PM

I don't think there's really such a huge red flag flying! Many men (or women) don't want others spending the night with their ex after a divorce, especially if the kids are a little older. Will he ever change his mind and be okay with you staying all night?? Maybe, but I'd say only if he gets a girlfriend.

Is she actually considering moving closer to him? How far away is she now? Remember, she was in a mentally abusive relationship, so it's probably difficult for her to tell him no. That doesn't mean that she still cares anything about him.

Her ex is going to be a part of her child's life for the next 17 years, so I think you're going to have to decide if you can cope with him being around.

If you think she's worth it, then you should stick with her and emotionally support her. Eventually she may regain some of her lost confidence and be able to speak up against him.

slapshot_oi · Aug 20, 2010, 12:51 PM

Originally Posted by scooby2745

Should I wait this out if I really love this girl or see the red flag and get out now like some of my friends have suggested?

Spare yourself the heartbreak and get out now. She hasn't healed from her past relationship with the ex, so there's no way she's ready for relationship now.

She's torn between her ex and you while she and the baby are caught in the middle. The stress will catch up to her eventually.

talaniman · Aug 20, 2010, 01:01 PM

He abused her before, and he is still doing it, and no matter what she says about him, he is in control, and she obeys. Not a good relationship to be in. After only 4 months, you better get a lot more facts than what you have so far, because HE won't ever let go. And he is there EVERYDAY?? Not a good sign fella.

scooby2745 · Aug 20, 2010, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by Devorameira

I don't think there's really such a huge red flag flying! Many men (or women) don't want others spending the night with their ex after a divorce, especially if the kids are a little older. Will he ever change his mind and be okay with you staying all night??? Maybe, but I'd say only if he gets a girlfriend.

Is she actually considering moving closer to him? How far away is she now? Remember, she was in a mentally abusive relationship, so it's probably difficult for her to tell him no. That doesn't mean that she still cares anything about him.

Her ex is going to be a part of her child's life for the next 17 years, so I think you're going to have to decide if you can cope with him being around.

If you think she's worth it, then you should stick with her and emotionally support her. Eventually she may regain some of her lost confidence and be able to speak up against him.

I do think she's worth it, but I didn't mention that he's still in love with her and wants to get back together "for the kid". He seems to be using the child as an excuse to get to her. He's already telling her why she shouldn't be with me and how she's tearing the family apart and it's not fair to their child to go through that. The good thing is that every time he tries to convince her to get back together, she reminds him of how he cheated on her and treated her like crap and how she's with a guy that makes her happy and treats her great. He get's bent out of shape and shows his true colors insulting her and making her like crap all over again. Although I trust her feelings towards me, I hate the fact that this guy isn't going to give up and now she's going to be living just blocks away from him.

slapshot_oi · Aug 20, 2010, 01:10 PM

Originally Posted by scooby2745

. . . I hate the fact that this guy isn't going to give up and now she's going to be living just blocks away from him.

That's a lesson I learned two years ago; controlling ex-boyfriends don't ever give up, and it's always the nice guy that pays for his crime.

Be the one to end it. She'll understand and her ex will rejoice, but you'll get to keep your dignity. Otherwise, she'll break up with you and her ex still wins.

scooby2745 · Aug 20, 2010, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

That's a lesson I learned two years ago; controlling ex-boyfriends don't ever give up, and it's always the nice guy that pays for his crime.

Be the one to end it. She'll understand and her ex will rejoice, but you'll get to keep your dignity. Otherwise, she'll break up with you and her ex still wins.

I understand what you're saying but I can't help but feel that it's so easy to tell someone to get out now and let the over controlling ex get his way. I honestly believe my girlfriend is a little naïve and really does think her ex just wants to be a good dad and spend time with his son. I've heard their conversations and they can't speak like two civil individuals so there's no way they could be together and she treats me like I'm the best thing ever. Should I really put my tail between my legs and let this beautiful caring girl go because her ex won't back down? It just doesn't seem right.

scooby2745 · Aug 20, 2010, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He abused her before, and he is still doing it, and no matter what she says about him, he is in control, and she obeys. Not a good relationship to be in. After only 4 months, you better get a lot more facts than what you have so far, because HE wont ever let go. and he is there EVERYDAY???? Not a good sign fella.

Maybe she needs help dealing with her ex and maybe her ex is that obstacle that your tag line says if a couple can overcome together to create greatness. I know she can't overcome it alone.

slapshot_oi · Aug 20, 2010, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by scooby2745

Should I really put my tail between my legs and let this beautiful caring girl go because her ex won't back down? It just doesn't seem right.

That's one way to look at it.

Here's another way: let's say you don't want to be in a relationship that has more stresses than single-life because you deserve better. That simple.

There is no competition between you and her ex, that's his game and he wants you to play because he knows he's going to win. He knows how to manipulate her and she listens to him. If he can't have her, he'll make sure you don't either.

Women are emotional creatures. So, the fact that they can't speak like two civil individuals directly affects you. Every time he insults her and makes her cry, it drains her. And as long as you're in the picture, he's going to spit as much venom as needed to suck the life out of her, so she has none left for you. After some time, she becomes distant towards you and finally realizes she can't be in a relationship.

When I was in your shoes, I was so pissed off by my ex's ex-boyfriend and the things he'd say, and that was exponentiated by the fact I could do nothing to stop it because it wasn't my battle. When I reality, I could've stopped it all by ending the relationship.

When exes are civil, it's a good thing.

scooby2745 · Aug 20, 2010, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by Devorameira

I don't think there's really such a huge red flag flying! Many men (or women) don't want others spending the night with their ex after a divorce, especially if the kids are a little older. Will he ever change his mind and be okay with you staying all night??? Maybe, but I'd say only if he gets a girlfriend.

Is she actually considering moving closer to him? How far away is she now? Remember, she was in a mentally abusive relationship, so it's probably difficult for her to tell him no. That doesn't mean that she still cares anything about him.

Her ex is going to be a part of her child's life for the next 17 years, so I think you're going to have to decide if you can cope with him being around.

If you think she's worth it, then you should stick with her and emotionally support her. Eventually she may regain some of her lost confidence and be able to speak up against him.

I would like to ask your view on all of the following posts to my question since you had the only positive outlook. I strongly feel like if I support my girlfriend and love and care for her, and the feeling is mutual, we can get through this. Others seem to think it's a no win situation and cut all ties now before I waste any more time. The truth is that this girl makes me feel better than I ever have felt about myself and when we're together everything clicks.

slapshot_oi · Aug 20, 2010, 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by scooby2745

I would like to ask your view on all of the following posts to my question since you had the only positive outlook.

So, you're clearly looking for answer you want to hear.

Do what you feel you need to do. Best of luck.

Kitkat22 · Aug 20, 2010, 03:18 PM

You have doormatitus. That means you are a door mat and you are being walked on. Time to get up.

Time to dust yourself off and walk away. She is never going to be completely yours.

talaniman · Aug 20, 2010, 07:18 PM

Just a question. If you're the better man why is she taking his crap? Why is she listening to him? Why is she considering moving closer to him? Don't give me the for the sake of the child. That's crazy, if he was so abusive, and you have probably seen that with your own eyes.

You want to help? Tell her to get help for herself to break his control.

You want to help? Tell her to take him to court and start living her own life.

You want to help? Tell her you will not tolerate his bad behavior toward her, and if she wants a healthy relationship with you, then baby daddy got to stop acting an idiot and disrespecting you both.

You want to help? Stop standing on the sidelines watching while someone you care about is helpless to do better for herself.

You want to help? Then show her that you can help, not just with words, but with actions.

Talk is cheap, and its time to stand up for what you think is right. Tell her that.

kaka67 · Aug 20, 2010, 09:07 PM

You want to be the knight in shining armour to save her from her ex? Isn't going to happen I'm afraid.

Wake up. She doesn't want saving from him. Or she would have already done it herself.

He will control everything you two do because if he says jump. She will jump. Such as SHE has too move closer so HE can see the kid.

This is not fair on you. She needs to deal with her issues regarding him and not drag you into it.But if you want to stick around and help then don't expect to win this battle. He already has.
Ive been in your shoes. Took me a long time to realise I was wasting my time.

Kitkat22 · Aug 20, 2010, 09:24 PM

Make a stand. You'll know one way or the other. She has to choose. It's better for both of you.

vanheart · Aug 21, 2010, 09:14 PM

It all depends on how "drama free" you want your relationship to be.

Despite your need for her.

"the truth is that this girl makes me feel better than I ever have felt about myself and when we're together everything clicks.

Maybe so. But then there's everything else. The baby, a crazy ex that she still wants in, etc...

You better take a step back. Think VERY seriously if this is what you want.

You may be the next crazy ex...