[christinarsl]

I have been married to my current husband for about 4 1/2 years now. We were together for a year when I found out I was pregnant with "my" second child and a couple weeks later he asked me to marry him. I have been married twice before and have a daughter with my previous marriage. I did not want to marry so soon after only dating a year because I had been through all this and was not so sure I was in love enough to really keep a marriage. After I found out I was pregnant, I was hounded by his family to get married, as I would look like a whore to my x husband and he may try to take my older daughter away, this scared me so I agreed to marry him after he asked me. My in-laws totally planned my wedding, I was left out of everything. I felt like I was in a blur and paralyzed as I walked down the isle, my legs trying to run, my head telling not to do it, but I made myself go numb and did it anyway. The 6 years I've known Harry (my current husband) he has been a drunk, among other things I won't mention and has made me at times feel extremely miserable. A couple weeks again, I finally asked him for a divorce because he told me once if I didn't see myself here in 10 years then I should just let him move on. He fell apart when I told him I couldn't love him like I should and needed to move on. He left for the bar and I left for my mom's house.
After a few hours he called and said that he would do anything to help save our marriage. He wanted me to come home so we could talk about it and get some counseling. I came home and he agreed to stop drinking and stop the other bad habits I am not to fond of and do more with the girls and me.
It's been over a week now and I am still just not really here, I guess you would say for lack of better words. My oldest daughter is not happy, she was very upset when we came back, my youngest daughter is to young to really understand, she is only 4. He has stopped drinking from what I can tell, but he is putting the blame on me when bills can't get paid because I hurt him last week and so he had to take the rest of the week off, cutting our paycheck short and putting us behind on bills.
In myself, I don't want to try anymore. I'm done. I didn't want to get married in the first place, just figured that I could make myself love him. He is a decent guy in most since... he works hard, tries his best to provide for his family.
I really want to leave, to make myself a life... with my girls. To peruse my goals, with out his criticism. We can't afford to go to counseling, I know that and he knows that, but I don't see any other way to make this work. Am I crazy? Am I being selfish? Should I just keep my mouth shut and go through life dumb and not feeling anymore? Should I end it and try to move on in life? Technically I've been married since I was 18 years old. I never really had a break between marriages because I was raised that if you sleep with a guy, you marry them, so I felt like I was doing the right thing even though I didn't want to marry. My first husband turned out to be a child molester and I am glad we never had any children. My second marriage was a very controlling jerk, who I just couldn't stand anymore. I had one child with him. I thought I'd learned my lesson after him, but obviously I didn't cause I married again about 3 years later to my current husband.

[talaniman]

I think you make your decision, get a plan of action, and do what you have too, and remember your past mistakes, and don't repeat them. Don't understand why you didn't stay gone when you left the first time. It was too late then, and going back only made it worse.

[Homegirl 50]

talaniman is right get a plan of action, leave and don't go back.
Think on your past mistakes what caused them and purpose to not repeat them.

[christinarsl]

I don't know why I didn't stay gone either... other then he laid the major guilt trip of how I was hurting him so bad... ruining his life and taking he daughter away. I just hate hurting people I guess and give in before thinking about it.

[Homegirl 50]

Well when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll stay gone.
Doesn't sound like you're there yet.
You know what you need to do, you're just not ready to do it.

[christinarsl]

Well when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll stay gone.
Doesn't sound like you're there yet.
You know what you need to do, you're just not ready to do it.

I guess I'm scared to do it!

[Homegirl 50]

Well like I said when you get really tired, it will override that fear.

[christinarsl]

Well like I said when you get really tired, it will override that fear.

Good point

[Jake2008]

I will never understand how you ended up pregnant, with two different fathers, none of whom seemed committed to raising healthy children in a healthy environment. The first one was a child molester? You say you're happy you didn't have children with him, but, I can't help but think of his history since. I hope that if you were aware he was molesting children, you reported him, right?

I also cannot see why you had a gun to your head to marry the recent husband. You went through with it because you were afraid to lose custody of your daughter from the prior marriage, if you did? Where do you live, and did you bother to consult an attorney, or get advice and referral from a womens' organization? Why, or more to the point, how, did everything become so out of control, right down to who you marry.

Please seek counselling and learn where 'you' went. If you live in North America, there is no separate state for having slaves whereby it is legal and you could lose your children if you are a single mother. I am curious why you thought you had no options.

Why I say that is, if you felt your life was so controlled, still is, by others, I am not so sure you are strong enough to make the best decisions you could make.

It is maybe time to get into counselling and figure out why the most major events and decisions in your life, have been left up to other people.

If you live in Canada, or the USA, find out where your local support services are. They are available, you can get help without charge, and I sincerely hope you do.

You will need to re-discover your inner strength, and your confidence and self-esteem again, before you head out into the world.

But, if you don't, I think you may not be strong enough to make it on your own. You are thinking in the right direction, but, see if you can't find some resources to help you make changes that are good for you, and your girls.

[christinarsl]

Jake... I know that is exactly what I need, but I have not been able to find anything or anyone to help me out. I was always raised to "come under" never stand up for myself and it has hurt me in the long run as an adult.
Considering the first husband, I didn't know about it till his cousins, the ones he was molesting turned him in. No we never had any children. My second husband was a young dumb move. He was very controlling and I hate to fight, so I just "came under" what he wanted. The same with the 3rd. I have no doubt he loves me, but he is not a father to our kids. It's been a couple weeks now that he says he will quit drinking to keep our family together... but he is doing all his proving to me and don't understand that I feel his relationship with the girls is just as important as it is with me. My oldest still don't have a relationship with him at all. His daughter, my youngest, has more because he feels a connection to her, but my oldest is suffering. She has no connection, no love, just fear of him because he disciplines her, but returns no love.
I guess I'm just confused... don't want to make a mistake, but also don't want to stay because as of right now I see no future, and I am becoming very angry, depressed and annoyed with him.
I would like to get help, but I don't know where to go. I can't afford any of it!