[cpack43]

I am 28, I have been dating a co-worker for 2 years now and he is 43. We fell in love instantly and he treated me better than anyone ever has. I am a single mother of two children and he would come over everyday and play with them, help put them in bed, and then spend time with me. For the past 3 months, it seems as if he's pulling away. He doesn't say he loves me unless I tell him first, he doesn't call me first thing in the morning or last at night anymore, and he tries to come over after the kids go to bed now. His two kids were here for 6 weeks in the summer and mine were gone to their dads so I spent time with his kids but he wouldn't act like we were together. He also says he doesn't want to move in together even though we have talked about it for some time.
When I ask him if there is something we need to talk about or if he is feeling different about me he says to drop it and everything is fine. He says he still loves me and I'm over reacting. I never get emotional or crazy, I just ask him and tell him that I don't want us to wake up one day and realize we have drifted apart. He says he doesn't feel like that is happening and everything is great with us. If I tell him I'm going out by myself he doesn't even ask what I did or with who and he used to care.

Our sex life is still great though while his kids were here I had to beg him...

I keep telling him I'm almost thirty and don't want to be in a deadend relationship or just "date" for the rest of my life and I'm not getting any younger. He says we don't have to live together or be married to be committed to each other.

Help, I feel like he's drifting away but putting me through torture in the process. Do you think it's just stress or he really had lost interest in me?

[411Help]

It's been two years. Usually around this time, the "honey moon" stage starts to die down. You shouldn't feel that it's necessary for him to call you first thing in the morning or before you go to bed. Maybe he's been busy?

What do you do for fun outside of your relationship? Hang out with friends? Hobbies? ETC. If he says everything is fine, trust him. Lighten up.

Take your kids out somewhere nice and invite him along, win-win situation.

If you continue to harbor doubt and insecurities about your relationship, he will pick it up, and it will tarnish everything as a whole.

[talaniman]

I think you may want more for your future, but he has other ideas about what he wants for his immediate future.

After two years you want to know where you will be in the next few years, something to look forward to, and work toward, but he doesn't want what you want. Maybe you are drifting apart, because he has no plans for now. That's the dilemma, what should you do about his lack of defining the plans for you better. How to get on the same page.

That's a matter of you re evaluating your own circumstance, and figuring what YOU want for yourself, and seeing if your okay with the way this is going for now.

Let me ask you, where do you want to be in two years? Where does he want to be. That's the conflict!

I think your drifting apart because you think this is going no where, and you may be right.

Are you willing to settle for what HE wants? If not, you have a big decision to make.

[cpack43]

WOW Talaniman, Seems as if you hit the nail on the head. He just got through with a messy divorce when we started dating and he always says he will never marry again. I say I've never wanted to be married but to even know we will be working towards building a life together is enough for me. He says he can't predict the future and to just let it play out... I want to believe letting it play out will end up the way I want but his recent behavior makes me think otherwise. I want to think 411Help's answer is what's going on and that's how I have been carrying on, but I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, if he felt the way I feel, none of these questions would be swirling in my head...

[Homegirl 50]

He says we don't have to live together or be married to be commited to each other./

This is what he has told you. This is all he wants. You have to decide if you want to settle for that.
Sounds to me like he wants to date but that's it.

[Jake2008]

I think you are smart to do a little evaluating here; the relationship seems to have stalled.

I'm not sure what you expected in the beginning, because he told you he'd never get married again, and I guess that also meant to him that he wanted his cake and eat it to. He has a semi-committment that he can conveniently drop in an instant if he chooses to. Not much there to take to the bank in my opinion.

Building a life and a future together, while maintaining separate residences and lives is hard enough, but, when the effort of one party starts to wain, and takes away from that thin thread holding you together, I can see where you're coming from.

Seems that if he were committed, he would be able and willing to compromise, but he clearly wants to keep the status quo, and maybe even less than that, as it seems to be going now.

So do you do all the compromising while he stays stagnant, or accept that he could very well distance himself even more to the point of, well, what's the point.

The plus side for you is, is that you are being realistic, and realize that you have every right to question your future, with this man.

Sometimes love is just not enough to keep a relationship going.

[kaka67]

I asked my ex to make a commitment to our relationship so that in three years (kids involved etc) we could start our lives together.

I was told "i can't promise that as i dont know what the future holds".

But obviously it wasn't me. I walked away.

Love is never enough to keep the relationship going. If there's no commitment to each other what's the point. Your both on different pages.

[cpack43]

Thanks to everyone here for the responses. It's such a relieve to receive advice to help sort this growing issue.
When his children came to stay with him this summer, that's when he stopped staying with me every night. He literally lived with me but kept his other residence. He had all of his clothes at my house, all of his toiletries etc. We had been living like this for 8 months or so. When his kids came it all stopped because he is afraid to hurt his kids feelings by moving on with another woman. Or at least that's what he says. When we agreed to move in together this fall after his kids went home everything was wonderful. After his kids left, he said he doesn't want to live together because he thinks it's wrong to live with someone else's kids while his kids never see him and how would his kids feel if they came to visit him and saw how my kids were spending all their time with him but not them.
I just don't get it, and last night we talked a little about it and he said he's just so bummed out about his kids not being here he's going through a hard time.
How much do I believe this guilt he keeps talking about versus the fact he may really only just "want his cake and eat it too" I have been there for him and not asked much of him for the duration of our relationship. It's always I'm going through a rough time and I miss my kids. I have been understanding and he accepts my help. I never complained about it before and feel bad to start now. But I need to look after my own family. He needs to grow up and make an effort to move on with his life I think, or at least be fair to me and let me know we will never pass go. We'll be stuck in a moment forever it seems.
Hard to love someone so much and actually acknowledge the tough decision ahead...

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts. This site is great. :)

[talaniman]

I just don't get it, and last night we talked a little about it and he said he's just so bummed out about his kids not being here he's going through a hard time.

There is nothing to get, he puts his children ahead of you, and that's a good sign, as he struggles to adjust to the changes in his life, and relationships, both past and present.

That will take a lot of time, and effort on his part, and I think you expecting him to move on in YOUR time is unrealistic. Very much so, as he may NOT be as smart as you, nor do you recognize his situation with the same eyes he does. Frankly, I can understand his situation quite well.

Maybe that's the basis for this whole conflict right now, he has his own plate to deal with, and it seems quite full, and those are things you have to face when you consider how this relationship moves forward and grows. That fact means you have to back up, and give him space to adjust, and unpack his baggage at his own pace.

[Homegirl 50]

I agree that while his kids are visiting him he should not be at your house. Why should his kids have to share and deal with "dad's girl friend" and her kids?
I can also understand his feeling bad that your kids would have him and his don't.
I can appreciate the fact that he misses his kids. They should come first, even before you. Just as yours should come first even before him.
You have to ask yourself if you want to share a man with his kids because that's the way it is when kids are involved.
He may want his cake and eat it to, but you gave him the cake to eat. Maybe he is thinking the cake is not worth the price (his kids) He does not want to move in with you and your kids when his own kids only gets him in bits and pieces.
I can respect that.

[Jake2008]

How old are his children, and how old are your children?

I presume because of his age, they are around 12? If they are, they are old enough to accept that daddy has a girlfriend. I wonder if his ex has moved on and has at least dated during the past two years.

And why is it okay to be in your children's lives, but not okay for you to be significant in theirs?

Something doesn't add up here, and I'm thinking his excuses are pretty shallow.

I agree with Homegirl50 to a point, but even if he were to move in with you, he'd still only get his kids in bits and pieces from the sound of things.

It is sounding more to me, that he is using his children as an excuse not to move on and make some serious decisions.

[Homegirl 50]

It may be he does not want your relationship to go any further and if that is the case you have to accept that.
Personally I don't like the idea of cohabitation when there are minor children involved.
It's one thing for the kids to know that daddy has a girl friend and quite another to have to share their time with her on their weekends.
If you two are really serious and begin to blend the families, your kids with his that's another story.
Do the kids know each other? How are you with his kids, is there a relationship? After two years I would think there would be.
Maybe he no longer wants the relationship.

[cpack43]

I agree with both of you. My point is I want to at least try to get together a plan on how we can move forward together. I don't want to move in tomorrow. I want him to be happy because he deserves to be and deal with his grief over his kids not put his head in the sand and walloe in his pain. I have been there unconditionally from day one and never pushed him for anything. But I have to worry about me and my kids at some point and always catering to him and his things when he doesn't think twice about mine is making me think these things. And it has gotten worse since his kids went back home. Things are just different. Before, we were in this together and now he acts like he only wants me when he wants me and uses his guilt as an excuse to string me on. The way he cares for his kids and used to care for mine is a big reason I fell in love with him. If I felt like we were moving in the right direction together, even being able to talk about this stuff would help.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this with my sanity. I'm not that girl. I don't obsess over guys I make the rules in my life and caring for someone this much hurts.

[Jake2008]

I have to give it to you for thinking so clearly, despite the confusing messages that are coming from him.

I also see nothing wrong with him being able to make some committment- even if it is just a plan, so you know which end is up, and where the road you are on together is going.

Ask him to be prepared to make a commitment, three months from today. That way you aren't rushing him. Let him know exactly what you want. That may be hard too, because you will risk the truth to possibly be, no commitment, no living together, it's over.

But at least you will know.

For some, living together is not enough of a commitment, and relationships end because they are stuck and there is no resolve.

In your case, decide exactly what you want. I think it's natural to want some sort of idea by way of action, to show that he is thinking (and doing) long term planning with you, that goes beyond what is is now, which is superficial and meaningless.

You sound like the type of woman who can put this on the table, and present yourself in a reasonable way. This is your life, after all.

[vanheart]

"he only wants me when he wants me and uses his guilt as an excuse to string me on"

Not a good thing. Huh?

Don't be strung along anymore. Its takes two.
Just concentrate on your kids. Forget him.

"I don't know how I'm going to get through this with my sanity"

By saying goodbye. Going NC.
Accepting & realizing this isn't the right man.

Do you still work together? If so, back to work, I guess.
Not anything else.

[kaka67]

My point is I want to at least try to get together a plan on how we can move forward together. I don't want to move in tomorrow. I want him to be happy because he deserves to be and deal with his grief over his kids not put his head in the sand and walloe in his pain.

You can't move forward together if he doesn't want it. And by the sounds of it he doesn't.

If he wants to put his head in the sand and wallow that's his right to.

Either put up with it or move on. He's not going to change for you. To change means he puts his kids in a perceived second place (even though your not asking that). That what he believes you are doing.

Just remember the way he is dealing with this issue and not talking to you means that's the way he will deal with all issues. Get used to it or get out I say.

Is it just the kids he misses or the "family" i.e. mother/father/kids all together. Seems a bit extreme to feel the way he does. :confused:

[asking]

Sure, it's fine to want to spend more time with them when they are around, but they went home and he's still distant, so there's more to it.

Plus, why does he not have his kids half time all year round? Has he moved away from where they live? What prompted that decision? Is he thinking of moving back?

I agree with Jake and Homegirl, but I'm wondering why he's experiencing this dilemma in the first place. People blend families all the time if they are motivated. He doesn't want to AND he doesn't see his kids regularly. Whose fault is that? Why does he have these two problems?

Seems like there's something else going on here.

[vanheart]

"if they are motivated"

That's right.

You said "slowly ending" in your OP.

Who's changing here? You I hope.