[Katwijk4]

I want you to know you are not the only one. When my daughter has her computer/phone etc taken off her as punishment for swearing or coming home late she lashes out at me , kicks me, bites me and she has also done this to her grandmother while staying with her. I have taken her to see a psychiatrist and he told me she was just a normal teenager... so where do I go from here? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

[redhed35]

I want you to know you are not the only one. When my daughter has her computer/phone etc taken off her as punishment for swearing or coming home late she lashes out at me , kicks me, bites me and she has also done this to her grandmother while staying with her. I have taken her to see a psychiatrist and he told me she was just a normal teenager.....so where do I go from here? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

As the thread you responded is two years old,I suggest you open a new thread with your own questions.

Perhaps in family and other people?

This way your question will be seen by more people and get more exposure.

[Katwijk4]

I have a 13 year old daughter that is physically and verbally abusive to me and her grandparents. Her father from whom I am divorced, only sees her a few times a year and says this is just a phase she is going through. I take her computer and phone off her as punishment but she just lashes out and looks at you as though she hates you so much she could kill you. I have taken her to see a psychologist who after 15 minutes declared that she was just a normal teenager. I love her very much and want to try to sort this out before she is an adult, she never treats her friends like this, only her family. I am from the UK but live in Western Europe. Any advice from parents that have had a similar problem?

[cdad]

Mostly its called tough love. It's a hard position to be in but you're the parent. What country are you in as the advice from others may make a huge difference.

[Kitkat22]

A good swat to her backside a few times would help. I don't believe in beating children or child abuse, but a good swat to the rear isn't going to kill her. And no she isn't to old to be spanked.

[cdad]

A good swat to her backside a few times would help. I don't believe in beating children or child abuse, but a good swat to the rear isn't going to kill her. And no she isn't to old to be spanked.

Im not sure if this is a good idea or not. The reason being is we (or at least I) are not sure of what country the OP is in. Some countries in europe have made spanking illegal. The op indicated where they originated from but not the country they are currently in. Otherwise go with it.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, kicking and being physical is not normal. It needs to be addressed seriously. First why is she even getting these things back, at least for weeks and weeks until they are slowly earned back. You need to start with a nearly empty room and to earn even part of her clothing back she has to behave in specific manners.

[Kitkat22]

Im not sure if this is a good idea or not. The reason being is we (or atleast I) are not sure of what country the OP is in. Some countries in europe have made spanking illegal. The op indicated where they originated from but not the country they are currently in. Otherwise go with it.

Glad I don't live in that country. We never beat our kids or abused them, but they did get spankings. They are great adults. Of course that was years ago when spanking your child wasn't considered child abuse. I don't believe in beating or abusing a child but as I said a good swat to the rear works wonders.;)

[cdad]

Glad I don't live in that country. We never beat our kids or abused them, but they did get spankings. They are great adults. Of course that was years ago when spanking your child wasn't considered child abuse. I don't believe in beating or abusing a child but as I said a good swat to the rear works wonders.;)

The main difference between a beating and a spanking is a spanking is done for negative reinforcement to gain a positive outcome. A beating is done in anger. There is a huge difference. With advocates on both sides.

[Kitkat22]

The main difference between a beating and a spanking is a spanking is done for negative reinforcement to gain a positive outcome. A beating is done in anger. There is a huge difference. With advocates on both sides.

I agree about the anger. Grounding and taking away privileges usually worked too.

[Katwijk4]

Thanks for you replies. Answer as to where we live - in the Netherlands.
I have spanked her and she tries to hit me back. I don't believe in beating a child so that will never happen. I try talking to her when she is calm and she says she doesn't know why she does it. If she gets angry with her friends she says she just goes quiet so she can control the anger if she tries hard enough. Her eating habits have worsened and she is very slim though not anorexic. She is obsessed with how she looks and spends hours in front of the mirror but says she doesn't like the way she looks. Grounding makes no difference as she sometimes spends all day in her room and says she doesn't care if I make her stay there. Does this sound like she may be depressed? The only reason she gets her phone back is that she has to make her own way back from school, as I work a 40 hour week, she has it so that I can check she is OK as it's a 20 minute cycle ride. She also gets her laptop back because all school homework is done on the computer. Hope this answers all your questions.

[redhed35]

trying to enforce the law in your own home can be difficult.

but I do believe taking away privileges works with teenagers.

my eldest was a nightmare as a young teen,terrible rows late at night with her storming out of the house and me chasing after her,locking herself in her room for hours...

I had taken away everything bar oxygen, or so I thought.

one day after a big row she locked herself in her room,so,I took away her bedroom door.

I came up with a punishment I called 'doing time'

I took away everything,she was left with her bed a pillow and a quilt,one set of clothes for school,one for after school,no makeup,no lotions or potions,no hair stuff,no phone no computer,no TV,no money,no nice things to eat,I provided food,if she refused it,I said nothing.

she was not allowed spend time on her own,school was her only outlet away from me.

at home I followed her around if she was not with me,in her room I sat on her bed if that was where she was and she sulked,would not speak to me,she roared and cryed.

it was hard,I won't lie to you,hard for her,harder for me.

she valued her own space so I took it away.

in the quiet times in her room I would talk to her,explain I was worried I loved her and I wanted us to work together so we could live together (I had 3 other kids at that time,so you can imagine how hard it was)

3 days into 'doing time' she started talking to me,and we got to the bottom of the problem.

your not the only parent that has gone through this,but if there is something going on with your daughter,YOU have to get to the bottom of it.

2 years later I repeated 'doing time' on my second daughter.. total hardship on everyone,but it worked,I had to find away to get through to a mixed up hormone ridden confused teen..

hard core parenting,but it worked.

[Katwijk4]

Thanks for the advice... I know it's going to be hard. I am glad I only have the one child but it's good to hear from others what they do to get to the bottom of the problem.

[spanky917]

I taught high school for many years. The problems you describe sound all too familiar. It usually stemmed from 'lack of respect'... for themselves, for others, etc... I never found a "correct" answer... each child was different... each problem was different... Persistent kindness on your part along with consistent & immediate consequences for bad behavior are essential.

I can give you one piece of advise that is important !

Whenever you make a request or give an instruction... you MUST NEVER allow the situation to escalate by getting into an argument ! Once you give an instruction, the only thing you should EVER do it "repeat the exact same statement" in the same tone of voice. It's called the "BROKEN RECORD" technique. Eventually, the child gets tired of hearing it and will usually comply. When they do, thank them.

By using the "SAME WORDS" again & again, you prevent the situation from escalating. This allows you to remain in control of yourself and the situation.

If you allow the situation to digress into an argument, no one wins !

NOTE... all bets are off if the problem is drug abuse !

[Katwijk4]

Thanks for the advice I will give it a try... and keep trying and trying. Drug abuse is definitely not any part of the problem and I will make sure it never is.