[Taroquin]

My Fiancé and I have been together seven years, since early college, we are both young, successful, professionals now, things have been wonderful... but recently I have become suspicous of infidelity. Over the past months we've started to grow distant with concerns over work, etc. One night she was upset one night and wanted to back out of our marriage plans, she felt she's not ready because she felt guilty about having thoughts about other men. I pressed the issue, as politely as possible (I'll admit I lost my cool at times), she says she never had an affair only "thoughts" and was very afriad that she may some day have an affair. I believe her but I cannot shake the suspicion. Just seems so odd that she would feel "that" guilty over merely thinking about someone else. She specified a particular person who had asked her out and she felt guilty for considering it, She would not tell me the name of person she was thinking of, but it was a co-worker. That she would hide the details of a mere date proposition she considered seemed odd. My doubts stem from the "what if" she had acted on those feelings and for whatever reason is afraid to tell me.

Feelings hurt, we talked it out and agreed to back off the marriage plans and enjoy spending time together without the pressure, she seems very happy with that. Our relationship "feels" back on track, and by and large the sex is great still, and we still have conversations about our future. For weeks she had trouble sleeping, which I attributed to hard decisions at her job, and I was pre-occupied with mine and not there for her, now she seems more relaxed, when I'm with her it really doesn't feel like she's hiding anything. Since then we talk a lot more, and I listen a lot better, it was a wake up call that I had become complacent and was taking her for granted.

There were some warning signs: 1) She often told me about her work or events in her career and I was too busy or pre-occupied to really listen 2) she is more concerned about her appearance than before i.e.. Bought new sexy underwear (although I really can't complain since she is still seemingly exited to use it on me), and mentioned wanting a boob-job which she was always against before. 3) she was out late without calling to check in one night at a work party and 4) She had one late evening coffee meeting with a business contact from a prospective employer while I was out of town (which is unusual, despite our careers we spend a lot of time together and always know what each other is up to). I shrugged this off before our conversation, but now I worry.

She is an honest person, and its tearing me up that I still have doubts about her fidelity after this. What can I do to be sure? Or just get past it? I highly doubt there is an ongoing affair, but I torment myself about if there was a "fling" I don't know about and I worry about trust when we are apart on business trips in the future. I feel horrible that either I'm suspicious over nothing and she's totally innocent and my doubt alone feels like a betrayal or that the women I thought I knew better than anyone else is an incredibly malicious liar.

I believe we're back on track and doing what's right for our relationship, I'm giving her space, we're relaxing the pressure, we're enjoying each other... but I'm concerned what's best for ME. It upsets me so much to worry and affects my productivity at work, I think a dialogue with her would help, but I want to avoid accusing her, I want our time together to be positive because most likely my nagging suspicious is stupid and I would just be hurting our relationship by repeatedly bringing it up. She said she never cheated, but in the context I can't shake the doubt.

Is there a way I can approach the subject without hurting her? If she had cheated, would she have told me during our "conversation"? What can I do to accept that the answer she's already given (that she never cheated) is the honest answer? Some times I feel like I need professional counseling, maybe not so much for the relationship, but for my own issues, would that be good or would counseling make our relationship a chore? Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill? I am often accused of being a hypochondriac.

Thanks all

[Skell]

Hi and welcome to AMHD.

Firstly let me say I can understand your worries. Although I don't necessarily think she has cheated, I can certainly see your concerns ans those couple of warning signs you brought up may or may not mean anything.

I think so far you have taken the right approach. You have relaxed the relationship a bit and have each taken a bit of a breathing room. No harm there. I'm sure even the married couples here would say that every now and then they need to take a bit of time out!

I agree that this seems to be something you need to talk with her about. I also agree that you don't want to accuse her of anything when you bring it up. As for how you do this I have to admit that I am not entirely sure of the best approach. There will be other posters though who will be bale to suggest to you how you discuss it with her effectively.

I want to ask though how old the two of you are?

You see I was in a 7 year relationship too which had marriage on the agenda, kids etc. It broke down this year.

I think your girlfriend is showing signs that perhaps she is getting restless in the relationship. It is something that mine did and I didn't see the signs until it was too late. Not that I would have been able to change things anyway.

You see I am of the belief that girls (and males) need to have an experimental and sort of wildgirl period. My ex for many reasons didn't get that. Then certain things transpired in her life that triggered her to think she was missing out on something. She was never one to want to go out and party all night. She would be happy with me.

But then it appears that her feelings changed and she wanted to enjoy being young.

Could it be that you partner has missed on this herself and is now wanting to go back and test her wings.

You can read my first thread if you want to get and idea of what I went through.It is very very similar to your situation. You may be able to get a better insight into the way she is perhaps feelings, which in turn will help you discuss things with her and hopefully for your sake solve any issues she has!

This is my first thread;

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ing-25359.html

[Taroquin]

Skell,

I see the similarity. She has always been very very loyal and loving, I am 26 (almost 27) she is 25 (almost 26) so not a big age gap. Neither of us were the partier types (here not at all, me a bit but it was never my thing). We've been together through most of college and grad school, survived long distance relationships and have lived together for several years, we own things together, our finances are intermingled, its more of a marriage without actually being married. We finally became engaged 7 months ago, but as we plan the wedding these jitters have set in and caused her doubts and that has caused my suspicion. I think we have good thing with our communication and I dearly hope we started to have honest discussions early enough to either save our relationiship or at least be honest with each other.

I would very much like to hear the female's side of a story like this.

[Skell]

I too had all those things Taroquin, but I have to warn you that it doesn't mean it will last forever. I hope for your sake it does, but people do change over time. You grown into different people and things you thought you wanted 5 years ago seem to be different to those things you want now.

It is the painful and scary fact of life.

Be patient Taroquin and you will get lots of answers to your question. Just give it time and there will be a lot of great people offer some great advice!

[talaniman]

Don't you have enough problems without just making them up. If you don't trust someone after 7 years that's just too insecure for me. The fact your wondering means either you have bad communications skills or two much time on your insecure hands. How about working on your own personel problems and not go accusing some one of things with no proof just feelings from a insecure mind. In my book you grow or you go.