[velvetred]

Hello everybody. This is my first time here, and was hoping that I could find some comfort.
You see I have 4 daughters(22,20,15,10).
I was married for almost 19 years, and it has been 7 years that I got a divorce.
Well to make the story short I met another person, and we have been together ever since. I did leave my children with my ex husband.. This other person is a woman.. I thought then and I still do that the choices I made with my ex's help was the right one. In my heart I feel this way, but I still miss them..
Then to top it off. I don't have a relationship with my oldest.. My other kids well that's another story.. It's a yes and no...
I know I did wrong by them as a mom, but I fell I did the right thing.
I feel like this is my punishment for what I did... My faith is what keeps me going but it it is so hard...
I know one day my kids will understand. I hope that is...
Im here for them just not in the same state or house.
I live with this pain everyday of my life...
I love them soooo much...
Hope to hear from you...

[redhed35]

Have you tried writing to each of them? If they won't talk to you.

A letter is something you can pull out and read over and over,sometimes on the 2nd or 3rd reading you 'see' something you did not before.

Keep a journal of this time,if a day comes when you are on good terms perhaps you could share it with them.

On you on good terms with their father? Can he help?

[Jake2008]

You are in a tough situation, and not a situation that would normally garner the same level of support and comfort from traditional unions unfortunately.

The first thing I would like to say is that, you deserve to be happy, and live a fulfilling life, regardless of what you may think to the contrary. You are not being punished. My interpretation of anybody's god, is that he or she is a forgiving one, and loves everyone equally without judgment of their lifes choices.

That you were married a long time, and you have been in a long term relationship for the past seven years. That says a lot in this day and age, where successful relationships for some are 32 seconds.

We are who we are. Whether that realization comes after 4 children and a 12 year marriage, or happens when you are 50 or 80, eventually, you must be true to yourself, or forever remain unhappy and unfulfilled.

Children who are raised as good people, with all due attributes of compassion, honesty and the ability to love and receive love, do not lose those characteristics (of good mothering particularly), simply because there are major changes to face.

It may be particularly hard for some to accept your decisions, but, they are your decisions, and like it or not, no one can go unscathed from this life without suffering some hardship and pain. That includes everybody in your life from parents to children.

Nor can you be faulted for choosing, with your ex, to have him take over the parenting role. Considering the circumstances, I would have done the same thing. It will be an easier transition for them remaining in a traditional life that was the one that shaped their lives, and is the most comfortable place.

To lead to acceptance, one must be ready to accept that the person, or parent they love, is living a happy life, a safe life, and a loving life. It is a different lifestyle, and not one that most are familiar with at the local PTA meetings. It is difficult to accept the breakup of your parents, regardless of the situation, and regardless of the age.

I love love love Red's suggestion of keeping a diary. Approach that as though you were talking to each of them, every single day. Or, write something out that you remember of all of them together, and special events that you shared. Reminding them, which is what this is essentially doing, that there were good times, fun times, bad times, indifferent times, and times still to come. Maybe if you have a dream of renting a cottage on a lake for a week with everybody all together, tell them that. Get yourself lots of notebooks, because you're going to be on a roll I'm sure.

Try to realize that guilt, and stress resulting from guilt, will bring you down, and you will feel like you need to pay for what you have until you find a healthier way to deal with the guilt.

You and your partner might want to consider counselling to help you through this.

One thing is for sure, eventually, your children will all come around. Time and patience- hang in there.

[Bluerose]

Such lovely advice above. You are not being punished but you are punishing yourself. Please don't. If you know where your daughters are, write to them separately. Let them know about your life and how much you have missed them. Don't expect too much just allow them to deal with things in their own way. But let them know that you are prepared to talk and answer any questions they may have. And, like someone suggested, keep a journal, and small gifts and cards, for the girls until they come around. A little light at the end of the tunnel is that most young women when they start to have families of their own look for some support from their mum. Keep the hope alive. And take care of yourself too.

[Devorameira]

Did you totally leave your children or did you maintain a steady relationship and visitation with them?

I realize that you may have moved to another state, but there's never an excuse for not seeing kids at least every few weeks or so.

You left your eldest at a time when she truly needed her mother the most. The teen years are hard on their own, so it's probably been close to unbearable without you as she went through dating, school, prom, and graduation.

You've got to be patient with her. She's had as much pain as you've endured.

I like the idea of writing her a letter and letting all your feelings and regrets out. Will she listen? Who knows... but it's worth a try.