What do I do?

Tony J · Dec 16, 2006, 06:13 PM

Irecently was informed that my fiancé wanted to end our relationship. She told me that she feels that I treat her like garbage and she is constantly walking on egg-shells when around me. I feel that I did not take her feelings and emotions into consideration some of the time. I do not want to hurt her any further or longer and have started working with a counselor to try to work on myself about how I say and do things.
My major concern is that I feel that I hurt my soul mate and that I want to try to rebuild our relationship. I know that she has been seeing a guy that she works with and that she has stayed at his house both before the split and after the split,2 times total.she is staying with family in another city about 60 miles away and commuting back and forth to work. She appologized for being with this guy but didn't tell me if she wanted to get back together... I have never ever forgiven a girl for cheating but I have also gotten girls phone numbers and kissed another girl out of state that she does not know about... I REGRET IT, I am willing to forgive her too.
She and I bought a house together, which we are trying to sell. Since the break up she has told me that she feels like I am hovering over her, and she is being spied on. I AM NOT A STALKER. I have been trying to talk to her to let her know I want to try to work this situatuion out in which most of the time she has been willing to talk with me.

I want to know if there is anything I should say or do other than give her time to think. I will not be willing to get back together if she has any more contact with the other guy but I honestly think that after her brother told her she was wrong, she will not mess with him anymore.

I want her to be comfortable with me and around me so I need advice.

J_9 · Dec 16, 2006, 06:24 PM

Whoa, did I really read all of this?

I have never ever forgiven a girl for cheating but I have also gotten girls phone numbers and kissed another girl out of state that she does not know about... I REGRET IT, I am willing to forgive her too.

You are kidding right? You are willing to forgive her? Really you are kidding aren't you? You have never forgiven a girl for cheating, but you also got phone numbers and kissed other girls. You regret it. YOU'RE WILLING TO FORGIVE HER!!

She told me that she feels that I treat her like garbage

If your post is anything like your relationship, I don't blame her!!

I will not be willing to get back together if she has any more contact with the other guy

But it was okay for you to get phone numbers and kiss other girls. Oh, yeah, that is right you regret it!! Too late now! She already thinks you treat her like garbage.

her brother told her she was wrong

Wrong about what!! I would go to another man too if this is truly how you treated her!

You need to leave her alone. Start the No Contact rule. At this point in time she will not feel comfortable with you. You sound too controlling and too preoccupied with yourself.

Work on you. Understand what YOU did wrong in this relationship so that it does not happen with the next one. I am happy to read that you are in counseling, but I don't think that you will be able to get her back. Just understand that and move on.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 16, 2006, 06:48 PM

Let her be. Sell the house. Enough damage has been done.

Focus on your work with the counselor. Very important. You are on the right track there.

Learn what healthy men do, think and feel before attempting another relationship with a woman.

chuff · Dec 16, 2006, 11:17 PM

Dude your relationship is broke. I don't think it's all your fault. You both deserve some blame. But she cheated on you. Your getting other women's numbers and kissing them. Sorry, although kissing isn't sex to me that's cheating. I'd say that's cheating to most people as well. So you've both cheat on each other. Both you don't have a commitment to the other. It's over. It was over a long time ago. I think she realized that before you did but none the less it's over.

On the bright side you've taken the first steps to heal yourself and correct your behaviors by seeking counceling. Please keep that up and hopefully your next relationship will go smoother.

chuff · Dec 17, 2006, 02:24 PM

The first thing you need to do is drop your know it all attitude.

Tony J · Dec 17, 2006, 05:04 PM

A lot of relationships could be rebuilt if both parties WANT to work through their difficulties. I am going to show her I am willing to take the appropriate action to work on how I present myself, listening, and taking others feelings into account. I have admitted that I did not do the right thing(s) in this relationship but I have sought counseling and I would really like her to go with me. She has said that she possibly will go to counseling with me. I do not feel that it is over for good as there are many things in her life such as job satisfaction and where we live that are also factors in her being unhappy. I know that things happen for a reason and if it was meant to be it will be, but I also am dedicated to improving myself and the relationship I hopefully have with her again.
I would like a few suggestions about how I should approach this issue... not cut my losses or give up. I DID SOME DAMAGE and I take full responsibility. My plan now is to give her space and time, see a counselor, and slowly work towards rebuilding the relationship. I feel that we both have made mistakes in this relationship and I do not intend to give up yet but I've searched my soul and she is the one, period. 5 years with someone is a long time to give up on.
Also, when I did "cheat" it was early in the relationship and issues such as love or marriage were not in the picture. I feel that I pushed her away these last 6 months or so and I realize that she probably is lonely and confused. When I said that I forgive her it is because I did the same thing early in the relationship and I would want her to forgive me if she had found out then.

J_9 · Dec 17, 2006, 06:47 PM

I am glad you are seeking help, but work on yourself before you even begin to work on the relationship. You need fixing first.

talaniman · Dec 17, 2006, 07:02 PM

If your serious, then leave her alone and work on fixing yourself. If she has time and space, then she can make her own decision to go or stay. Leave her alone to think of what she wants, without your pressure or influence. Glad your in counseling as this will help you see what it is you need to resolve for yourself. Stay with this for your own good, and not for the relationship, that's too much like an ulterior motive to get her back, so stay with what improves you. If counseling is an excuse to get your ex back, this will prevent you from making real changes and you'll be worse off than before. No contact! She will call you if that's what she wants.

Tony J · Dec 17, 2006, 09:53 PM

I realize that I am not the great person in which I thought I was. I admit that I need help and need help to work on myself and my issues. I am not calling her or trying to talk to or see her right now... as much as I want to see her, I am giving her space. I hope that everyone can have the love for someone that I have for her. The thing that is killing me inside is that I feel that I pushed her away, I hurt her and she in turn hurt me back.

simpl2me · Dec 18, 2006, 03:20 PM

Well, in my opinion your right that the relationship is not completely over. It also seems that she has a lot of feelings left for u. So the counsouling ins a good start you know your faults. The cheating well that was wrong on her beahalf in more ways than others. But people make mistakes and if one can get over it then it makes the relationship stronger. But the question is can you truly look past her being with another guy? Taking her to counseling is a good idea but not to work completely on the relationship but to help you know what her feelings are and to help you more to find out what you were doing. If all fails at least you know what went wrong. It would help you more in the future as well if you end up with another gal. Learn from all of this and grow on it. Everything can be worked out if both want it to, but it is a two way thing and you both must let each other tell what is wrong and with no cut ins from the other no matter how much it hurts you to listen to it all.
"Better the bitter truth, than a horrific lie."

ordinaryguy · Dec 18, 2006, 04:56 PM

You sound like a sadder but wiser guy. Keep up with the counselling, but don't do it just to get her back. She may or may not be willing to try it again regardless of how remorseful or changed you are. But whatever she does, you'll be better able to avoid the mistakes you made in this relationship in the future. That's the real reason for it, and you need to be settled in your own mind about that. Pinning everything on what she does is a big mistake whether she comes back or not.

Tony J · Dec 18, 2006, 06:19 PM

I am not going to counseling for her I am going for me. I truly want counseling to help me with my faults such as communication skills, valuing others feelings as much as I value my own, and how to maintain a lasting and loving relationship. I'm 25 not 55, I have never experienced a long meaningful relationship before... at least not much past the infatuation stage. I really feel like God put her on the Earth for me and I in turn pushed her away. I am appreciative for all of the comments good or bad.
Any thoughts on my idea for a Christmas present for her? I am making a scrapbook of all of the great moments that her and I shared when we were together. I must also say that I teased her some about her hobby of scrapbooking. I do not want her to dwell on the negative aspects of our relationship but rather remind her of the great times and experiences that we shared.

talaniman · Dec 18, 2006, 07:42 PM

Any thoughts on my idea for a Christmas present for her? I am making a scrapbook of all of the great moments that her and I shared when we were together. I must also say that I teased her some about her hobby of scrapbooking. I do not want her to dwell on the negative aspects of our relationship but rather remind her of the great times and experiences that we shared.

That all sounds great but until you have made a heck of a lot more progress working on YOU, I think you should leave her completely alone. Trust me she will remember the good and the bad, and has no need for you to remind her of anything. Your effort could be seen as pathetic, or controlling and nothing good can come of your attentions toward her at all. Sorry, I know how you feel and thats why I'm telling you to keep the no contact and leave her alone, so you can work on yourself and solve your own problems for now. Been There Done That!

Tony J · Dec 19, 2006, 08:09 AM

It's going to be extremely hard to not talk to her at all seeing how we are going to sell our house. I am not bringing up anything relationship wise when we talk. My concern is that I want to show her that I am willing to make her happy... I know this is not going to happen over night. I am working on myself but I do hope that one day she will be back in my life. Call me selfish or stupid or what you will, but I am not willing to lose her forever. I've made a lot of mistakes and I take responsibility for those mistakes. I'm confident that I can get myself straightened out and rebuild the relationship with her with time.

talaniman · Dec 19, 2006, 10:46 AM

If you are so intent on her being in your life why do you not call her and express this to her? The no contact rule is to heal you so YOU CAN move on, just as she has. I can assure you that as long as you are still believing she will be back , YOU WILL NOT HEAL! There by undermining the whole process, and yourself as well.

Tony J · Dec 19, 2006, 09:51 PM

I have to have hope. I feel that she is the one. I am working on myself and I am trying to do that first. I just feel that I will not give up. I love her. I am willing to meet her in the middle, probably with me travelling a further distance to her. There are some things that I am doing that I really feel is necessary in my life. I will no longer value my feelings and wants as greater than her feelings and wants, they will be equal. Instead of asking, " what the hell took you so long to come home from work?", I will frame the question differently such as, "What was going on at work that kept you late?". I also know that Rome wasn't built in a day and this is going to take some time. I'm not being pushy with her as far as trying to talk about our relationship right now. I did tell her that I would like if she would go to counseling with me some time after the new year, but not until she's ready to go.
Never once did she say that there is NO chance we will ever get back together. I am hoping that with time we can begin to work on our relationship again but only after I have shown her that I am moving in a positive direction with regards to my behavior and actions when I am with her. I'm not nearly as depressed when I first posted on here and I think that I am taking the necessary steps to get myself in order. I have begun the process of changing my thoughts and behaviors (see cognitive-behavioral therapy). It may sound stupid to you all but I feel that I have taken the blinders off and I have some direction to go with myself, my therapy, and hopefully my relationship. A lot of relationships end and then get a new beginning, I want to show her that I do not want to hurt her again and she means the world to me.

ordinaryguy · Dec 20, 2006, 06:12 AM

I salute you for the work you're doing and the progress you have made. I wish you all the best in your quest to repair the damage done to your relationship. I sincerely hope you beat the very long odds and find lifelong happiness with this woman. But even if it doesn't happen with HER, it can still happen to YOU. Don't fall prey to the illusion that your happiness depends on this particular person and what she decides to do in this relationship, that's all.

J_9 · Dec 20, 2006, 07:01 AM

Originally Posted by Tony J

Instead of asking, " what the hell took you so long to come home from work?", I will frame the question differently such as, "What was going on at work that kept you late?"

Let me tell you from my own experience that this will not work. If you know she has a job that sometimes keeps her late, accept that and say nothing. Otherwise you are just changing the wording of your suspicions that she is cheating again. You just aren't swearing this time.

I hope it works they way you want, but from a woman's perspective here, I doubt it. I am a woman and if my man treated me the way you seemed to have treated her I would run for the hills and never look back. As a matter of fact, I have been there and done that and that is why I am divorced from that man. He too professed to love me like you say you love her. But what he did hurt me to the core. He too tried counseling, but while I could forgive what he did, I never could forget.

You can't go back and change the hands of time. What is done is done. You have to learn from your mistakes and move forward.

And yes, you can keep no contact, your realtor who is selling the house can make the contact instead of you. They handle this sort of thing all the time.