[Teresa1235]

Me and my boyfriend have Been together a year now, we barley have sex it's maybe 3 times a month. I love him very much and he sys he loves me too. I feel it's still new and we should me doing it a lot I want to he doesn't. Also sometimes when I give him oral sex he doesn't get a full erection. I need advice I don't know who to talk to and I feel like it's me and I feel very unattactive. I know he loves sex and he loves oral sex but he just hasn't been in the mood latley. I know he's not cheating cause he works nights and sleeps most of the day. Could it be his work hours making him this way?Please try and tell me what might be wrong.

[J_9]

How old are the two of you?

[Teresa1235]

I am 26 he is 29. And we also live together.

[CravenMorhead]

Chances are it is not you. At least not directly. It isn't a reflection upon you or anything you're doing. Most likely. Unless you're doing something that inhibits his ability to perform, like not showering for a month, than it is him.

Have you, outside of the bedroom, sat him down and talked about this? Is he stressed? Are you tired?

A person's libido is dependent on many different things and it doesn't take much to kill a libido. Stress and exhaustion are the two big ones. There might be others, though. Does he smoke? Pot? Drink? Overweight? By overweight I mean morbidly obese.

As well working opposite shifts will put a strain on things. Might not be the best time to approach him.

In the end you need to sit him down and talk to him. Don't try to guess or assume what is going on. What you think will always be worse than what the real problem is. You think you're not good enough, and the actual case is that three people got fired from his work and he needs to pick up the slack or he will be fired. Which is worse?

Talk to him.

[Cat1864]

How long has this been going on? From the beginning or is it a fairly recent issue?

Do you have oral sex more often than intercourse or are you counting those times in the three times a month?

First thought is to get him to go in for a check up. Low libido or performance issues can be symptoms of NON-sex related health problems like Diabetes or heart disease.

How long has he been working nights? Some people thrive on it, while some people never adjust to being on a different schedule than most of society. The type of work could be adding its own issues too.

Is he stressed about anything? How is his diet and exercise? Does he get enough sleep? What does he do during the day besides sleep? Does he masturbate during the day when you aren't 'available'? What are you doing to keep yourself occupied?

Have there been any discussions of marriage or children that might have caused him to subconsciously back off?

Talk with him about your concerns. Ask him if he has any. Ask him when he thinks a good time of the week or day might be to try to have intercourse.

[Teresa1235]

I have tried talking it doesn't work it turns into a fight because he never wants to talk about anything. He is not heavy at all very thin he is always tired and yes he smokes pot, and way to many ciggeretts he also drinks almost everyday ( beer) he doesn't want to hear it. I ask him if he is sexually attracted to me he says of course. I think he is deppressed or something, but whyever it is he will not tell me.

[Teresa1235]

Yes he masterbates when I am not around so if he is doing that shouldn't h want to sleep with me?

[martinizing2]

With him not willing to talk it is going to make things difficult at best.
Communication works wonders to help with problems like this.

Smoking pot and drinking beer in combination could be a contributing factor. It would depend on the quantity of each that is consumed at a time. But I am not a doctor and this is speculation.

I would advise you to try and find a way to talk to him about this. I understand it will be hard because it seems to be a male trait to avoid conversations that may be "touchy".
This I know from being male and I was the same way. It took some hard lessons for me to learn better.

Try to do this and avoid too much pressure on him for sex for a while and see if things improve.

I wish you well.

[CravenMorhead]

I have tried talking it dosnt work it turns into a fight because he never wants to talk about anything. He is not heavy at all very thin he is always tired and yes he smokes pot, and way to many ciggeretts he also drinks almost everyday ( beer) he dosnt want to hear it. I ask him if he is sexually attracted to me he says of course. I think he is deppressed or something, but whyever it is he will not tell me.

Tired, pot, smokes, drinks, and is defensive about it. His libido is his own darn fault.

A popular statement here is that if you can't talk about sex than you shouldn't be having it. I believe it applies in this case. If you can't have a civil conversation about this with him than you really shouldn't be having sex with him.

You love him, but he makes you feel unattractive and makes this all seem like your fault. He uses numerous drugs (pot, tobacco, alcohol) excessively. At this point I would consider the longevity of this relationship and whether it is worth it to stay here and try to turn things around.

I am not saying that you should dump him. I am saying that you should consider if the positive aspects of this relationship are worth the negative that he is bringing in. You've only been dating a year and that isn't a long time. Don't be tossing good money in after bad because of the energy you have already put it. Make sure you're getting want you want and need out of the relationship.

My advice if you want to stay in this relationship is to sit him down a lay it out. Beginning to end. With the emphasis on this being a deal breaker for you. I don't believe he thinks that all this is an issue or that it could lead to the end of the relationship.

If you don't want to stay, leave. Now.

[Teresa1235]

I took the advice of sitting him down and letting it out. He got emotional and so did I. He didn't know how bad he was getting and he said he's sorry and wants to change. He says he feels terrible for what he has done and he really wants this to work out because he loves me. So I am going to take his word for it and see if he really loves me and cares. I don't want to just give up on him maybe he needs someone to talk to and lean on so I'll be there for him if he he's going through something. If things don't change then I have to do what I have to do for me.Thanks everyone for your opionins and taking the time to give me advice.

[martinizing2]

Keep the communication line open with. It is a great tool to keep a relationship afloat.

Good luck, I hope you do well in the future

[Homegirl 50]

Keep the lines of communication open, but don't fall back into the same old same old. Be patient but stand your ground.
I wish you both well