[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi I have a question about rebounds. I did put it in the rebound question posted by njcutie but deleted it and set up a new thread because there was a different debate going on that I did not want to interfere with.

How long after a break-up does it have to be before entering a new relationship is considered a rebound?

What I mean to say is, if the dumpee or dumper enters a relationship, how many months should have passed before one can say, "that is probably a rebound"?

My logic tells me that it depends on whether you are the one that leaves or the one that is left behind and how much the break-up hurt you. I expect there is really no time scale since it probably depends on the emotional baggage he or she is carrying.

Like I say, I think the dumper can move into a relationship relatively early and for it not to be considered a rebound since the dumper usually cuts themselves off emotionally well before the ending of the relationship.

What do you think guys and gals?

[Bluerose]

Good question. Personally, I think everyone should give themselves one month of breathing space. Then depending on the length and intensity of the relationship, anything up to six month. But what young person is ever going to accept that that is a good idea? You really need time to disposed of the garbage from one relationship before you move on and expect the next one to 'be the one'.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Good question. Personally, I think everyone should give themselves one month of breathing space. Then depending on the length and intensity of the relationship, anything up to six month. But what young person is ever going to accept that that is a good idea? You really need time to disposed of the garbage from one relationship before you move on and expect the next one to 'be the one'.

I think I was thinking more along the lines of my ex, she is 20, I'm 26. It ended 3 1/2 months ago. I know that she left me to go a little wild with friends but I have a feeling she is on the lookout.. For me though, I just could not do that right now as I know it would be a rebound for me, but I guess I was the one left behind so she had a head start + she may not have been as emotionally invested as I was in the relationship even though we were together for 3 years and engaged (which might I add had no meaning to her).

It might boil down to my love being a more mature love and hers being something that younger people experience. I know I am not ready myself yet for an new relationship (not a chance) but I fear that she is ready or at least thinks she is... The thing is, I am kind of worried that she will get hurt or treated badly by some Jerk out there. She is quite vulnerable because when she gets with her friends, she goes a bit (a lot I mean) wild and she is going through this phase right now. She is also quite impressionable around her friends as I remember.

I guess like val said to me, it is not my concern what lessons she has to learn in life but that I loved this woman and I still do and I hate the idea of some user taking advantage of her while she is caught up in this phase that so many young people go through...

I guess I should really just listen to what Skell told me.. That she is not right for me at this time and I could do better.. But I still care.. I can't help it, it's in my nature.

I don't know bluerose, am I thinking rationally here? :confused:

[chuff]

I think that depends on the person and the length of the relationship. You know if it was a 6 month relationship than 3 months wouldn't be to long. It was a 5 year relationship then I would say 3 months is not enough time. That being said, it's also up to the individual. Some people can turn around really quickly and people who are more emotional need to time to refocus themselves.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Well, after mine which was 3 years, it has now been just over 3 1/2 months and I can't see myself reaady for any kind of dating. Give it another 2 months and I may feel further in terms of feeling more over her, yet I doubt I will want to jump into a new relationship with anyone.

I would rather wait for the right one to show up that knows what she wants, can appreciate me for who I am and is over the whole wild party thing..

Don't get me wrong, I am not a party pooper... I love them.. I was talking something different..

[tadano]

I don't think the amount of time matters at all. It's once you've reached that acceptance stage of grieving, that's when it's okay. It's impossible to pinpoint how long it will take, because that's different for everyone. And it's not just different because of the length of the relationship -- there are a million factors. Simply put, some people can get over a 3-year relationship more quick than others. And it also depends when that next person comes into your life. If you go out looking for another relationship, it probably will just be a rebound, but if you let it come to you, it probably won't.

Simply put, when you're ready, you'll know.

[valinors_sorrow]

Dear Geofferson-san,
It seems to me that it doesn't really have very much to do with time or who left who since I have seen every combination and variety possible. It has to do with taking the time to clean out your "bin" so to speak and how connected you are to yourself. If you can clean it out quickly, good for you! If you can't clean it out at all, sorry to hear that. And everything in between is possible.

Oh I imagine that leaving has some advantage in that one might be working on the cleaning sooner. This is why the sooner the one who is left gets to where they can see they don't want the ex back, the sooner they can devote time to cleaning. I believe that holding on to hope of that interferes with some of the more detailed parts of grieving and "bin" cleaning both. Maybe they go hand in hand... I am not sure on that though, would need more thought.

My brother, the married seven times one?-- has never cleaned his bin out. And he's left and been left both many times, in relationships and marriages both. I can't bear to meet who is with him anymore. If I asked him about it, he would say "what bin?" I would say, "oh that one where you keep all your leftover hurts and fears and grudges and painful bewilderments in" to which he would reply with the utmost of sincerity, "oh I don't have any of those, I don't feel things like that when its so much easier to just have fun." :rolleyes: And at that point I would change the subject... and try not to look sad.
Love,
Mrs Miyagi

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yes, I agree with all the responses so far..

It really is down to the individual. I do believe that the one that walks can move on to a new relationship faster without it being a rebound.

I think it depends on why they left too...

Why are humans so complicated (me included)?? :confused:

[valinors_sorrow]

Well to further complicate it, I think there are two ways that rebound relationships don't work. One is baggage kills it-- the bitterness, prejudice, fear or what are called unresolved core issues (those are the ones that go waaaaaay back) that you may still have can subconsciously dictate some strange actions in the very next relationship. Baggage comes in many flavors but the most obvious one is "OMG this relationship has to work because the last one didn't and now I feel so unlovable!" Talk about pressure! But to be fair people come with baggage even to their first relationships too, especially those of us raised in dysfunctional households.

But the other has to do with the grief process and how it can make someone vulnerable and a little more needy than they ordinarily would be (and therefore more susceptible to the attentions of others). It allows us to pick partners or let in partners we wouldn't ordinarily hook up with and then one day we wake up and realize UH OH. This is why forming a romatic relationship based on being sympathetic to someone in need is NEVER a good idea. You need to see them through that crisis first as just friends before you can trust that it is you they want and not just the comfort in the crisis you were offering them. Its okay to help each other, it is not wise to mix new romance into that arrangement. In the rooms of AA its called 13th Stepping and its notoriously destructive -- usually one but sometimes two people get drunk in the long haul of it.

[Bluerose]

Geoffersonairplane,

Sorry, I thought it was a general board enquiry.

This is just my take on things.

She is 20 and you are 26, six years difference, this won't mean much in say five years but right now it does. She isn't ready to get real serious at 20. And you are probably just beginning to think about getting serious. I hope I am not presuming too much, but I think you are both a little out of step with each other at the moment. And I would say if it was meant to be, she may still settle down a little and think about what she had in you. Then again she may not.

"I guess I should really just listen to what Skell told me.. That she is not right for me at this time and I could do better.. But I still care.. I can't help it, it's in my nature."

Forgive me, but how does Skell know you could do better. I don't think there is blame here, she is young. I don't think anyone settles down these days as young as they did a few years ago. Everyone wants to have some fun, and why not. Maybe you need to have a little more fun.

I know you care for her and if you really care for her don't you want her to be happy? What you are going through is yours to deal with, not hers. She sounds like she is doing fine. And why shouldn't she?

"I guess like val said to me, it is not my concern what lessons she has to learn in life but the fact of the matter is that I loved this woman and I still do and I hate the idea of some user taking advantage of her while she is caught up in this phase that so many young people go through..."

I think I agree with val about her not being your concern for now. I can see that you really cared for her and if you still do, you will want her to be happy.

As for her getting caught up with some 'user', apart from that being a very negative way of thinking, she has her own lessons to learn and her own experiences to chalk up. If you were to push for her to settle down now, you would be in the divorce courts in less than ten years.

"The thing is, I am kind of worried that she will get hurt or treated badly by some Jerk out there. She is quite vulnerable because when she gets with her friends, she goes a bit (a lot I mean) wild and she is going through this phase right now. She is also quite impressionable around her friends as I remember."

Just a thought - but that seems like something a father would be worried about, not a partner. You really can't want someone to need you to protect them.

Where she is doing a bit of growing up, I feel you may need to do a bit of chilling out. I understand you are not ready for a relationship yet, but you can get out and have some fun. Can't you?

[Geoffersonairplane]

Thanks Bluerose for your response, I appreciate your opinions and advice. It was kind of a general thread but I kind of related it to my own situation too.

She is 20 and you are 26, six years difference, this won't mean much in say five years but right now it does. She isn't ready to get real serious at 20. And you are probably just beginning to think about getting serious. I hope I am not presuming too much, but I think you are both a little out of step with each other at the moment. And I would say if it was meant to be, she may still settle down a little and think about what she had in you. Then again she may not.

I agree with everything you say here and you were not presuming too much.. You were actually 100% spot on and consistent with everyone else's opinions here including my own once this was drummed into me.

I guess I should really just listen to what Skell told me.. That she is not right for me at this time and I could do better.. But I still care.. I can't help it, it's in my nature.

Forgive me, but how does Skell know you could do better. I don't think there is blame here, she is young. I don't think anyone settles down these days as young as they did a few years ago. Everyone wants to have some fun, and why not. Maybe you need to have a little more fun.

I don't think Skell or anyone for that matter knows for sure I can do better and I am not big headed to think like this either. I think where I was coming from is that Skell, Val, Tal, Wap, and many others have followed my threads and I have given them an unbiased account of what happened and the exact nature of the break-up and history of us both. I am not conceited and I know you are not suggesting this at all but I don't want to come across as a big headed person who thinks he is better than his ex. I really don't think that at all. I am very down to earth (most of the time.. LOL) I think Skell might have meant that I could do better in terms of finding someone who is ready for the kind of commitment that I am. I must also point out that in my last thread, I pointed out that she had set up a myspace account and said on there that she was looking for:

Quote: 'Like to meet an outgoing bloke who wants to have fun and party and must be mad like me and have a wicked sense of humor because I am a lot to handle' End of Quote

So in her saying this, I think skell deduced that from what he knows of me from the way that I portray myself her on AMHD, his opinion was that I could do better given the fact that me and my ex both want different things at this point in our lives.

If you want to see the threads I am referring to, here they are:

1.) Relationship Break-up Help: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

2.) Made a huge mistake - Now need to talk: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...alk-47487.html

I know you care for her and if you really care for her don't you want her to be happy? What you are going through is yours to deal with, not hers. She sounds like she is doing fine. And why shouldn't she?

You are right Bluerose, I agree, she should be happy and my pain is my pain.

The thing is, I am kind of worried that she will get hurt or treated badly by some Jerk out there. She is quite vulnerable because when she gets with her friends, she goes a bit (a lot I mean) wild and she is going through this phase right now. She is also quite impressionable around her friends as I remember.

Just a thought - but that seems like something a father would be worried about, not a partner. You really can't want someone to need you to protect them.

Interesting point Bluerose, this is something I have not thought about before. Maybe some self-reflection need here on my part..

Where she is doing a bit of growing up, I feel you may need to do a bit of chilling out. I understand you are not ready for a relationship yet, but you can get out and have some fun. Can't you?

Completely agree Bluerose...

Thanks again for your insight and opinions bluerose, they were appreciated. :)

Geoff.

[talaniman]

I moved my other post here as it was more to this subject.
When you get dumped, and sit all broken hearted, and you meet someone else the next day, and you click, and start seeing each other, as friends, and it works out well, then you would have to consider that a rebound, but it works to get you through a tough time and continues on, and you have fun and enjoy each other. No I'm not saying the fall in love here's my heart stuff, understand that, just a friend who understands and helps through the rollercoaster time. I guess it all goes back to how hard you fall, and how bad you want to get up. I think especially after a couple of hard falls we sort of know -HEY I BETTER GET UP FROM HERE!

The first fall is the hardest though, without a doubt!! They will all hurt, but at least you know HOW to get back up!

[s_cianci]

It depends on the individual circumstances. Each situation is different. A lot has to do with how emotionally invested one was in the previous relationship, regardless of whether one was the dumper or the dumpee. As for the other person's end of it, I'd advise anyone to be very wary if, when dating someone new, (s)he constantly talks about his/her previous relationship. That's a sure sign that you're just a rebound and the person you're dating isn't ready to consider entering a new relationship.

[s_cianci]

I think I was thinking more along the lines of my ex, she is 20, I'm 26. It ended 3 1/2 months ago. I know that she left me to go a little wild with friends but I have a feeling she is on the lookout.. For me though, I just could not do that right now as I know it would be a rebound for me, but I guess I was the one left behind so she had a head start + she may not have been as emotionally invested as I was in the relationship even though we were together for 3 years and engaged (which might I add had no meaning to her).

It might boil down to my love being a more mature love and hers being something that younger people experience. I know I am not ready myself yet for an new relationship (not a chance) but I fear that she is ready or at least thinks she is....The thing is, I am kind of worried that she will get hurt or treated badly by some Jerk out there. She is quite vulnerable because when she gets with her friends, she goes a bit (a lot I mean) wild and she is going through this phase right now. She is also quite impressionable around her friends as I remember.

I guess like val said to me, it is not my concern what lessons she has to learn in life but the fact of the matter is that I loved this woman and I still do and I hate the idea of some user taking advantage of her while she is caught up in this phase that so many young people go through...

I guess I should really just listen to what Skell told me..That she is not right for me at this time and I could do better..But I still care..I can't help it, it's in my nature.

I don't know bluerose, am I thinking rationally here?? :confused:

Geoff, it's sad but true in that she probably had far less invested in your relationship than you did. There needs to be a balance and when there isn't that's unhealthy. You seem to have a good grip on your own needs and feelings and that's a good thing. I really can't speak for your ex. She may or may not be "ready" for a new relationship. But, while your concern for her is admirable, it really isn't your problem. As you've been told so many times already, you need to work on you right now. Your ex is young and sounds rather immature even for a 20-year-old. She's going to learn a lot of hard lessons along the way. As cruel as it may sound, she needs to learn them and it's not your place to be her protector. She come out all the better a person in the end. Trying to protect her will actually only hamper her progress. She needs to be allowed to grow up.

[Skell]

Geoffersonairplane,

"I guess I should really just listen to what Skell told me.. That she is not right for me at this time and I could do better.. But I still care.. I can't help it, it's in my nature."

Forgive me, but how does Skell know you could do better. I don't think there is blame here, she is young. I don't think anyone settles down these days as young as they did a few years ago. Everyone wants to have some fun, and why not. Maybe you need to have a little more fun.

Hi Geoff and Bluerose,

Just to clarify, and I know Geoff already has, I don't know if Geoff could do better anymore than the next person. I wasn't blaming her or him.

All I would have suggested was that having got to know Geoff during our time here I can see what a great person he is and I know how much he is hurting and I know how much he cares for her. Heck, that is only natural. And you know what? I am in the same boat with my ex. If you want to read my threads to get and understanding of how Geoff and I are quite similar then please do so Bluerose.

Im just sure if Geoff keeps the wonderful and healthy attitude he has portrayed here then one day he will find 'something' (not someone) that is better in so many ways. He will find the love of his life that he will prbbaly spend forever and day with. Now that must be better than what he ahs had with his ex.

Im by no means running down his ex, him or their relationship. Just the same as I have never once run down my ex! I don't play the blame game when it comes to two young people parting ways because I know first hand that there isn't a blame game to play.

I hope it has been clarified what I would have meant.

As far as your question goes Geoff, I think it truly comes down the individual. You know within yourself if it is a rebound or not. You know whether your heart is ready to hop on and go for another ride. No one else. So it is essentially up to each individual to be honest to them self. Ill be honest and say I am not ready for another relationship yet. I am happy to date and meet new people, but a relationship I know I'm not ready.

So if this question was asked in order to get a handle on whether it would be considered a rebound if your ex got in another relationship now then no one can specifically answer that other than her. She will know in her heart and head whether she is doing it for the right reasons. Just the same as whether you would be the only one who could truly answer that qestion with respect to yourself.

P.S. Geoff, you are continuing the trend my friend. This is another issue I wrestled with in my head after my break up. All normal feelings and questions to have in my opinion!

[Skell]

Quote Bluerose

"Comments on this post
bluerose agrees: Thanks for explaining that for me. I meant no offence. I'm sorry you are going through ex stuff, and I hope everything works out for you too."

No need to apologise at all. I hope I didn't come off as being defensive. I just wanted to clarify and say that I agree with everything you have said Bluerose. It is great advice as usual.

[Bluerose]

Thank you. You're very kind. It didn't come across as defensive. Just me making sure I hadn't upset anyone. Lol

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi guys/gals,

I was not offended by anything either, in fact everyone has raised some valid points that I have been thinking about, like not trying to protect someone when they need to find out for themselves. This is so true and something I had not really thought of properly before. Thanks to you all for your responses...

And bluerose, don't worry, your response was excellent, I was just clarifying like Skell was. You have actually made me feel a whole lot better in what you said in your first response and it was something I had to hear, not necessarily wanted to hear...

Truth and honesty really goes a long way.. :)

[rol]

<<The thing is, I am kind of worried that she will get hurt or treated badly by some
Jerk out there.>>

Well I hope she does ,so that she can see what a great guy she lost!!

<<Quote: 'Like to meet an outgoing bloke who wants to have fun and party and must
Be mad like me and have a wicked sense of humor
Because I am a lot to handle
>>

Perhaps she thinks that is what she wants as she has had a mature relationship with you Geoff... but she will see those kind of guys are definitely not the kind to have a serious relationship with!! (you see what she thinks she wants is the complete oppostite of you , isn't it?)

<<All I would have suggested was that having got to know Geoff during our time here
I can see what a great person he is and
I know how much he is hurting and I know how much he cares for her>>

Totally agreee with Skell

<<Im just sure if Geoff keeps the wonderful and healthy attitude he has portrayed here
Then one day he will find 'something'
(not someone) that is better in so many ways>>

Exactly...

And also agree with Bluerose who told you to go out and have FUN!!

[Geoffersonairplane]

perhaps she thinks that is what she wants as she has had a mature relationship with you Geoff...but she will see those kind of guys are definitely not the kind to have a serious relationship with!!!!!!!!!!! (you see what she thinks she wants is the complete oppostite of you , isnt it?)

You are right rol, it is for the most part the opposite of me. Although I am outgoing in terms of wanting to try new things and visit new places, I have been through the wild phase when I was younger and I was still (in my eyes) a good man then. Again not trying to sound big headed or anything. Trouble is my ex has not experienced any bad eggs (jerks) and has only been in this one serious relationship with me so I think you are right, she thinks she wants the kind of person she describes but once she experiences that a few times, I think she will open her eyes a bit.

Her brother told me a month after the break-up when I bumped into him in the city, "she needs to meet a real *****d who treats her bad to realize what she has done by giving you up Geoff"... I guess this confirms what everyone said here because he knew me very well.

Thanks for your kind words rol, you brightened up my day!! :)