[TruthSayer0122]

The reasons I'm with him: he is affectionate, sweet acting, opens doors, smart, good conversation, I can vent to him, we have history, compliments me all the time, he's talented, but lately I'm starting to realize his “misfortune” is really just proof of his immaturity. I know he is not a bad person he is just an irresponsible man that needs to grow up. I could even stick with him if I didn't have to feel the pain of someone else's growing pains. I'm in a relationship that I have already decided to end it, but I need confirmation to give that “push” to end the attachment to him. But we have so… (I have so many issues with him and he just has issues).
Background: We have been together for about 15 months. When we first dated we were right out of high school, but now we are in our mid 20's. We dated 3 years ago for 2 ½ years (during this time he cheated, and got caught with weed, and smoked behind my back, and did many things that I still feel resentful about. Currently, he is unable to feel empathy for me or understand how I feel.
When got back together last year he was a stock broker and he was charming me (felt he had changed). He helped me out financially (I always paid him back). Then he left his well paying job to pursue rap full time. He told me he had made many investments and had money saved up. We had just started back dating so I didn't say much about his decision. Four months into it the real him started to show. He had lost his driver's license and got a second weed charge before we got back together but didn't tell me until I was attached to him. This should have been a clue that he is book smart, lacks common sense, and is still immature. His probation stated that he would go through random drug test and he continued to smoke. He started borrowing money from. I let him borrow money because he got 3 good paying jobs, but each job took the job back because of his record. He has too much pride to go to fast food place. We all go through hard times but that doesn't give you a pass to mistreat those that care about you. I tried to be supportive but I feel drained. He keeps making poor decisions. He has a two year old that he hasn't gotten a DNA test for to get rights. Instead he just allows his child's mother to play games instead of just fighting for him. He isn't allowed to take his son away from her home. He goes months without seeing him. I could go on.
Summary of His issues..
1. Not doing enough for his son
2. Smokes behind my back and lies about it.
3. Great sex decreased (he likes porn now)
4. Doesn't pay me back
5. No empathy for me
6. Makes poor decisions
7. Poor dental hygiene and very messy
I'm not innocent of course. I know I shouldn't have ignored the red flags or I should have waited to see if he was really different. The only good thing that has come from this is that I learned that I have attachment issues to him because he is so affectionate. But his “love” isn't enough anymore. I have told him everything I don't like (which is more than what is posted here), but he has not changed. He is all about himself. Whenever I try to break up he is just so loving and charming. He is always kind and attentive when we are together, but I don't approve of his life choices. There is a huge gap between who is and who he wants to be.

[peacemaker129]

Yes. I think you should end it. If you want a stable relationship he's not the one to have it with. Smoking is gross, plus if he lies about it you can't trust him! Trust is a big thing to stress over in a relationship. If he lies you should most definitely end it. By the way I'm only 13 so if my advise isn't good don't follow it!

[kutocer]

He seems to be under a lot of stress most of which is caused by himeself.

Why leave a well paying job to pursue a career in Rap surly he could have done this while working still like in the evenings and weekends. In this economey it's very risky to quit a job to pursue a hobby which is what it is till he makes it.

He needs to find out for himself the issues he has and from what I have read is that you've tried to speak to him but is not listening and is no good you trying to tell him.

Sit down and tell him that your going to leave him and tell him why.

If he loves you he will make the effort to change but this will take time. In this time you will be able to find yourself as well and what you want from life.

Even then the red flags are there and will take time for you to get over.

You need to not listen to his charm and stay strong and to your words.

You don't know what you've got till you lose it. I've lost my love through my actions and my mistakes but I was able to see I had issues and even though there is no hope for her and I, I saw where I went wrong and don't want to make the same mistakes so have made it my goal to improve myself. That is why I say leave him and see if he is willing to make the change because we do make mistakes sometimes because we don't know how deep down our problems are like me but am willing to change to better myself and make my life happier and after the hard times I've suffered in the past couple of months I am much happier then I've been in a very long time and this is thank's to my ex who had to end it for me to see the deep down issues I have/had.

Good luck

Kut...

[talaniman]

I think you leave him alone to straighten out his own life, because to have a healthy happy adult relationship, you have to TWO healthy, and happy adults, and right now he has too many issues to solve before he comes close to fitting that bill.

It may be years before he is ready for what you want, so why suffer that long.

I think you should start taking care of yourself, and let him take care of himself, as this didn't work before, and isn't working for YOU now.

[willowbranch]

I will agree with peacemaker129, it sounds like it would be a good time to end it. You still are young and have a long life ahead of you; I'm sure you will find a man who can keep up his end of the bargain and be and equal. But, if you think it is a wise idea, maybe you can give the counseling a shot. Just keep an eye open. If he sincerely begins to improve, than you have the choice to reconsider. But don't hang in too long if he doesn't change at all. If he still proves to still have his immature habits, then sticking with your original decision to leave would be your better option.

[TruthSayer0122]

How long should you wait after a break up to start dating again?

[justcurious55]

I don't think there's one set standard. I think I depends on the person and the circumstances. Did you just get out of a relationship?

[TruthSayer0122]

Yes, But I know that I'm not dating right now. It seems most of the time men are expected to have a date the same day and women are expected to slip into depression. I think it depends. If you do I think you should have limits.

[I wish]

When your past feelings for your ex is no longer influencing you.

[ISneezeFunny]

Depends on the person. Some people can break up after a 5 year relationship and go out on a date in the same week... others take years to get over it.

[talaniman]

When your ready to have fun, and take risks.

[TruthSayer0122]

I agree with this too.

[TruthSayer0122]

Why do we feel shame for things that other people do? Years ago when I was 19 my boyfriend at the time was 20. He cheated on me with his brother-in-law's little sister. I knew this girl and never thought this would happen because the girl was 15, and I looked at her as a kid. I felt so disgusted and ashamed I was never able to talk about it until this post. It was a long time ago but I still think low of him for being 20 and messing with a 15 year old.

[KBC]

I'm not sure you can label this as shame.You had nothing to do to make this happen did you?

Look at this site: http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0oG72ijL0...y/guilt_shame/

See how shame plays a roll in what you feel about this,perhaps it is shame,perhaps not so much shame but a feeling that you were used?

I am open to discussion.

KBC

[QLP]

Maybe we feel tainted by association, as though we must have had terrible judgement to have loving feelings for someone who behaved really badly. We take on some of their shame because we took on them. You need to separate your feelings here. There are two issues.

One - you cared for someone who then behaved badly. This is your issue but it's something that can happen to anyone and doesn't make you a bad person. You could not have known everything about this young man. You certainly couldn't predict something he was going to do. You need to forgive yourself for this.

Two - what your ex actually did. This is his stuff not yours and you need to try and disentangle it. The shame should belong to him not you. Maybe you can write him a letter telling him how he has made you feel by his behaviour. Write every horrible thought and feeling down. Then burn the letter and as the smoke rises picture it sending the bad feelings away where they belong.

The fact that you are now able to start bringing this out seems like a good step to me. Keep posting, keep trying to be open about it. It's time to let it into the light of day. Secrets are like vampires, they thrive when hiding in darkness but shrivel and die in daylight!

[TruthSayer0122]

At the time I was so embarrassed that I didn't tell anyone. So I never dealt with it. During my early adulthood I just tried to always act like nothing ever got to me. This is the one and only I had ever been cheated on. Right now I'm being open and honest with myself so that means facing all those secrets. Just writing about helps. I feel mad at myself for the way I handled it.

[TruthSayer0122]

Thanks for the link. Every little helps:)

[TruthSayer0122]

It was very helpful!

[Wondergirl]

At the time I was so embarrassed that I didn't tell anyone. So I never dealt with it. During my early adulthood I just tried to always act like nothing ever got to me. This is the one and only I had ever been cheated on. Right now I'm being open and honest with myself so that means facing all those secrets. Just writing about helps. I feel mad at myself for the way I handled it.

I'm guessing you feel angry at him for doing it and angry at yourself for sweeping it under the rug for so many years. Shame says "I'm bad." You can't feel shame for what your boyfriend did. Rather than shame, it's probably guilt ("I did a bad thing" -- by not telling.)

I wonder if there is such a thing as displaced shame, like displaced aggression in animals. You feel the shame he didn't feel and should have felt.

So, what are you going to do about this?

[TruthSayer0122]

I went through a lot of drama with this guy so I feel guilty with the way I chose to deal with it. It happened so long ago I wish time would just heal this wound already.