[heatherh99]

My 19 year old daughter is an absolute nightmare! This started over a year ago when she had her 18th birthday. She started to have a real stinking attitude toward me and her sister who is now 15, her father an I have been apart for over 7 years and he doesn't have or want any involvement in our daughters lives. She has ADHD and AS and has always been hard to handle but this last year has been really bad. She is in trouble with the police for driving her car with no insurance, she has stolen from her employer and got sacked for it, she has stolen carparts and at present is in trouble with the police for that 2. I bought her a car for her 18th birthday which cost me £4500 and she sold it behind my back for £1800 a few months later. My father bought her another car for £2400 3 months ago and she sold that also for £1300 quite recently, she has no respect for anything or anyone and is addicted to money, at moment she is unemployed and is receiving benefit and doesn't seem to want or be looking for a job. Her and I fallen out quite badly over the weekend and I haven't heard from her since, I assume she is at her boyfriends house and he is violent and at present is on community service and is waiting on going back to court for assulting a police officer. I don't know what to do anymore, she has upset the family so much and my partner and I have had words over as what to do about this. Please help, I'm on anti depressents and have been to my doctor about my daughter and can't get any help for her unless she attends counselling which she has refused to go to. Thanks Helen.

[tickle]

Why do you people keep on buying her C A R S ? You just stated she hasn't got insurance, which must be pretty expensive in the UK, same as in Canada. What benefits is she receiving ? Why do you indulge her so much. That is 99% of the problem. You can't say NO to her.

Helen, get her in counselling, drag her there, promise her the moon, but get her there or she will be an adult without any direction and constantly spoiled. Better yet, promise her another car and she just might go, before she sells it for parts.

Sorry I don't have any sympathy for you or her.

Ms tickle

[talaniman]

Stop letting her cause problems in your house by leaving her alone to fend for herself.

Google tough love, and stop enabling her. She is an adult and should be left alone to pay the consequences of her actions.

You should be focused on the ones in your home who need you. She does NOT!!

[Fr_Chuck]

Just let her go, if she wants to come to dinner, OK, but stop giving her money, don't buy her cars and let her learn she has to pay for her own mistakes

[Homegirl 50]

Let her go.
No more money, cars and enabling. She's grown, let her be grown. You still have another teen to raise.

[jenniepepsi]

I agree with all the other posters. Cut her off and out. Its time for her to learn the hard way. You raised her, you helped her. You did everything you could. Now its up to her, and its going to be up to her what she wants to do with her life. Be it go to jail for not using sense, or pulling her head out of her rear and doing what she needs to do.

Good luck hon. I know this is hard. But learning the hard way is the only way she is going to learn. I know the age difference is huge, but my 6 year old also has AS, and concrete, straightforward, hard learned lessons, are really the only ones that stick with her.

[Jake2008]

You need to step up here, stop with the 'why me' attitude, quit being a victim of your own design, and parent your 19 year old.

Stop with the cars- what made you think that she deserved a car in the first place.

Stop paying her cell phone bills, stop the internet use, lay down the law about expectations and consequences.

It is obvious that this has not happened overnight.

I don't know what you have done to address all the issues; whether you have been in counselling, what techniques you have tried, what consequences you have stuck to for bad behaviour.

Are you also paying for lawyers as she continues to get in trouble with the law?

I'm not sure what you expect people to say. She may be a nightmare, but you have allowed it to happen. This is not about you, it is about straightening out a situation that has been allowed to fester and grow over a period, without proper stops in place.

Please seek counselling for yourself to learn how to assert yourself in a constructive way, and take back control over your life, and as well, how to respond and deal with your daughter before she ends up dead (at the hand of the abusive boyfriend), or in jail.

[positiveparent]

I agree with all of the other posters here, apart from one thing I would ask is she maybe missing her father and blaming you for him not being around anymore, Girls do after all love their Daddys, Perhaps she has unresolved issues over the divorce, perhaps she's been molested at some stage, anything is possible, but one thing is obvious this is a very troubled young girl there's something behind this, and as her mother you need to find out, you need to talk to her not at her, don't shout, talk calmly, try asking her what's wrong. Because something definitely is.

Start to discipline your other daughter now before she too goes the same way kids do tend to mimic their siblings.

Have you asked social services for help?

Don't buy her any more cars, don't bribe her, talk to her, that's what many kids feel they are lacking, from what Ive researched, that the parents don't talk to them they just yell and this then has the teens yelling back. JMO

Ive seen similar with my friends teen daughters.

You say you haven't seen her for a few days, and you assume she's at her boyfriends, why haven't you made it your business to find out, she could be at the bottom of the river, or something. Maybe she thinks you don't care about her, perhaps she's jealous of the time you spend with other children you have.

If all else fails then let her go to jail, that will soon knock the stuffing out of her. You have to take control of your own life and be the boss in your home or your children will all grow up to ignore you. Why because they can get away with it.

Is she on Drugs Perhaps??
However she's 19 and in the UK she's an adult in everyway, so if you can't get through to her wash your hands of her, you choose...

[ecco477]

If she has AS(Asperger's Syndrome) and ADHD, then she's going to have some pretty bizarre symptoms, one of which is drug addiction and alcoholism. If she hasn't received the appropriate counseling to assist her in dealing with her emotions in conjunction with Asperger's, she is NOT going to take anything you do well or seriously--she doesn't understand how. She WILL have a terrible attitude. But I don't know if AS is abbreviation for Asperger's or not.

If it is, and your daughter is moderate to low functioning autism, THEN DISREGARD EVERYTHING SAID IN THIS POST. YOU could be held responsible if your daughter is not responsible enough for herself and you did nothing to get her help/counseling as a minor. I don't know what it's like in UK, but in USA if you raise a child with major disabilities, don't get them appropriate counseling or help, then they are 18 or 19 causing legal problems, you know they have diminished capacity, and you continue to do nothing... do see where I'm going with this? As her mother, if she's legally disabled, she's your responsibility. Parents seem to think 18 is some magical age that you can just cut your kids off. WRONG! Not if you are the parent of a mentally/neurologically challenged adult. If they break the law, destroy property, drive drunk and kill people you can be held partially responsible if you knew and did NOTHING!

If you've tried to get her help, reported her acitivity to the proper authorities, and have done ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to get her on track(by the way, you can use 'the law' as excuse to be strict as aspies are very good with black and white understand--you must/I must it's the law--kind of thing), then you can absolve yourself from responsibility. The people on this post don't understand autism or it's very serious repricussions on families, or with the law.

[jenniepepsi]

I have to agree with ecco, I apologies I must have skipped the AS part.
I say if her autism is getting this bad, its time to consider a live in life skills program. Good luck hon.