[RKCBB]

My daughter came to me last night and we had a very big talk. For a while, she was worried that she was completely lesbian. Now she realizes that that is irrational. She has always loved boys, from the time she was nine. She is eighteen now. We had a very big talk about sex last night and she went into great detail because she is very worried- she knows I am always here for her to talk so I let her spill all her thoughts and I told her all of mine.

So she knows she loves boys. She has had very intense feelings for them ever since she was a little girl, getting more and more strong as she grew up. At 13, sexual feelings emerged for them as she started to fantasize about them and feel the "rush" of excitement. When she was 15/16 she started to get closer and more intimate with boys and felt very turned on by them. At 16 she experienced her first serious sexual attraction, describing her feelings as "intense" and that she was constantly aroused by him. She would also constantly sexually fantasize of him. Now, she is noticing that she is very aroused by her guy friends just being close to her or thinking about/ looking at her crush. She is very concerned because she has always been very curious about sex. Like a normal kid- feeling those "tingles" when she saw intimate scenes in movies or kissing. But as she got further into puberty she became aroused by sexualized images of women- this made her curious. At this point she had no experience with boys so didn't really understand it. So if it was time for a little "self-love" the images of the women did it for her. I understand where she's coming from because I find that images of women that are very overtly sexual are arousing or watching lesbian porn with my husband titillates me and is quite erotic. I very much enjoy it, as well as sex with my husband.

Now she is fearing she is bisexual. I personally don't think she is, because she doesn't like girls in that way, she sexually fantasizes of real sexual encounters with males, and only feels arousal in her reality with boys. She experiences sexual tension with boys only. If she is bisexual, that would probably mean I am too, but I just don't know. I don't like women that way and neither does she. There has been a very famous study that women's sexual arousal is very often not related to real life sexual interest. She's young and experimenting and curious but outside of media/masturbation she doesn't care for girls. She's been in constant anxiety and has been crying pretty much every day for the past few months because she is worried about her sexuality. She feels like if she turns into a bisexual or lesbian that she will not have her dreams come true- she loves the feeling of falling in love with a boy, and she never wants to lose that. I feel very sorry for her. I wish I could some how take her pain away from her.

So has anyone been in the same boat as they were growing up? Different and confusing arousals during adolescence? I wish there was some way I could just put my baby girl's mind at ease.

[CravenMorhead]

Sexuality and gender assignment isn't heredity. It isn't genetic, mostly at least. If homosexuality or bisexuality were genetic, we wouldn't see as much homosexuality and we would see a lot more bisexuality. If your daughter is homosexual or bisexual, it doesn't mean that you or her farther are.

Picking at nits I know.

I am not sure that there is anything you can say that will put her mind at ease. She has a accepting and loving mother who is with her during her journey. That is a lot more than some people have.

Sexuality is a continuum. There isn't 100% straight, and there isn't 100% homosexual. Your daughter is just coming to terms with what she is and isn't attracted to. What turns on the arousal centre in her brain.

Being aroused by lesbianism, be it porn or what not, doesn't make you a lesbian, or even bisexual.

Just be there to listen and offer what advice you can to your child. Having someone who will listen is a resource beyond gold.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well first if she is "bi" and wants to marry, she is not required to date or have sex with women, it is merely a choice she has.
Like going to KFC, you don't have to eat the original and the crunchy, you can eat merely the one you prefer the most.

So if she is "bi" and wants only to date boys and latter marry, nothing is stopping her from doing that.

If she has and enjoys sex with boys, then she is not lesbian, but could be bi.

[Synnen]

Speaking as a bisexual women--I don't think she is either a lesbian or bisexual.

If the only women she fantasizes about are just that--fantasies--I doubt she's really attracted to women.

If you are bisexual, you feel that spark (like falling in love or lust) with people of EITHER gender. You're truly attracted to both sexes, and in the SAME WAY.

That being said, there are all SORTS of things that are great in fantasy that I would never even CONSIDER in actuality. I truly doubt there's a single person in this world that doesn't fantasize about something "weird" that they would never actually DO.

However: If your daughter is at the point where she's crying herself to sleep in her confusion and anxiety, it's time to see a doctor or counselor or psychiatrist.

[junkmailartist]

It sounds like your daughter is still coming to terms with her sexuality. You say you know she likes guys and always has but you aren't in her head to truly know how she's feeling. What could be causing the most anxiety to her is how you will feel if she should tell you the truth. The best thing you can do for your Daughter is be supportive to what ever decision she makes and try not to be judgmental.

[KISS]

Everyone here has done an excellent job including the parent. I commend every one of you.

Coming to terms or "discovering" her sexuality is what I believe it is. It's coming later in life than most.

I know it's true that with some males watching lesbian scenes, the males picture themselves as the "other" women and that's why they are turned on watching.

Fantasies don't have to be acted on. They have their place.

It might be that the "emotional gain control" needs to be turned down a bit.

Do you see any evidence now that emotions are acted on to heavily?

[troublemakerman]

I don’t want to read it all again. I agree with all. I don’t remember if I read that your daughter is having sex. I think you should take her to the doctor. Maybe she wants oral sex and she thinks it’s only woman on woman. I think you said she watched woman only porn.