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intensive · Dec 13, 2006, 01:30 PM

Hi everyone,

I have mentioned this before about this lovely guy that I have been seeing now for almost 5 months however we both live in different countries. We both lived in the same country before I moved away for career reasons. Anyway we both agreed to give things ago and see where it went. I have been home twice now and visited him twice in the past 3 months however I did worry and at times and wanted to finish it because he has been distant and I felt that he did not care. So the other night I had enough and when he rang I told him the truth such as:
1. How did he think things were between us?
2. Had he ever thought of finshing things with me?
3. That his distance and coldness was making me miserable?
I was so afraid of saying these things because I thought that he would want to finish with me. I couldn't have been more wrong, he listened and told me that he did not want to lose me but that he was worried about me regarding did I want more from him than he what he could give (I'm 34 and he's 31). He is conscious of my age and knows that I want a family at some stage however that is not what I want now but yes in the future. He also did stress that he did think about things between us saying what are we about, is it a matter of us talking every now and again or what. When I mentioned about meeting at Christmas he said yes that he does want to see me but he did realise that his distant personality is making things between us really difficult and awkward (awkward in the sense of having a normal conversation on the phone because I just get such a knot in my tummy and don't know what to say to him). He told me that that this distant matter he portrays comes from his upbringing, no affection was ever instigated in the house, his father is a cold man who never said "well done" or "thank you" and he does not know how to show affection or say it. I probably respect him more for the fact that he listened and said he would genuinely try to deal with this distance between us but that it will be very hard. I do believe he is a person of his word and that he is a really genuine person . I suppose that's what makes me think more of him but I have to be honest I am scared as we might have reached a very slightly better understanding of each other which is good but I don't know where to from here. When I do think of him part of me truly cares for him but the other part of me wants to finish things because of the fact that we don't connect and talking to him is so difficult. It does not make things any easier when we live in other countries. What should I do? Thanks everyone

Bluerose · Dec 14, 2006, 03:11 PM

The long and short of it is that long distance relationships rarely work. I think you would be better off getting out and about where you live and find yourself some real friends.

intensive · Dec 16, 2006, 12:50 PM

Hi Bluerose,

I read what you said and yes you have a point but we both have talked and do not what this to end. I will question him again over the Christmas and ask what he wants from this. If the outcome is not good then I will finish it for certain but I don't want to do anything over the phone except face to face. Thanks again for your advice because I know I cannot continue like this.

Intensive

Bluerose · Dec 16, 2006, 01:09 PM

Intensive,

Good luck, I hope you get the answers you seek. Come back and have a chat let me know how it went. I'll be away for Christmas but back 2nd or 3rd of Jan. Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Rose

valinors_sorrow · Dec 16, 2006, 08:15 PM

Oh intensive, you really need to cultivate a "let it ride" attitude and allow yourself to enjoy the journey. Stomach in knots and over what? Please girl, breathe in... breathe out... look at your life like a movie with a guaranteed really happy ending that you have no idea what it is, okay?

Sometimes if a project I am pursuing just isn't going well, I put it down for a bit. And if a friendship seems forced, I allow some distance. And instead of that project or that friendship, I fill my time with things that seem to go easier and before I know it I have new projects and new friends. I agree with Rose -- go play! Let loose a bit on those reins and flow along like a river. Ts easier that way. It will be okay, I promise.

chuff · Dec 16, 2006, 09:57 PM

From what I gather it sounds like he's at least attempting to listen to your concerns and make decisions in those regards. I'd say give him a chance but don't hold on forever waiting for him either.

intensive · Dec 17, 2006, 09:21 AM

Thanks everyone, I swear you won't hear me moan over this again as I am beginning to sound like a broken record. I really need to try and take a chill pill!

Bluerose · Dec 17, 2006, 10:25 AM

intensive,

Self-awareness is a very useful tool to own. You are aware of the fact that you may be going on about it, and you know that needs to change if you are to move on. I'd say you are one of the lucky ones. Take care and be happy. And remember, happiness doesn't just happen, nor is it a God given right. We make it happen - we make our own happy endings. Live the Fairy Tale, sweetheart, not the drama.

intensive · Dec 18, 2006, 12:13 PM

Hi Bluerose,

I will try and live the fairytale and not the drama. Shortly after writing this yesterday M rang me and said that while he's not sure about things he wants to give me and him a try so much so that he is prepared to fly over regularly and see me and vice versa. He really wants to try and give us a chance which is all I can ask for. Thanks again, Intensive.

chuff · Dec 18, 2006, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by intensive

I will try and live the fairytale and not the drama.

I would suggest neither. Live reality. Many people want to the fairytale and that sort of thing can blind you or put you in denial. Time and again so many people do what Hollywood programs them to do. But that is a fairytale. Live in reality where you can see or realize what's really going on.

That being said, like I said in my other post it sounds like you've got a good guy who is at least trying to meet your concerns and deal with them. He said it himself he's willing to fly to see you so hopefully things can work out from here.

intensive · Dec 19, 2006, 01:57 PM

Hi Chuff,

Thanks for your imput, yeah I need to have more faith and just casually take things easy and see how it goes.

Regards,
Intensive

intensive · Dec 19, 2006, 01:59 PM

Hi Chuff,

Thanks for your imput. Yeah I need to have more faith and just enjoy it for what it is.

Regards,
Intensive

intensive · Jan 1, 2007, 01:23 PM

Hi everyone,

My questions were answered over the holidays. In truth he has lost interest. He does not think of me much anymore. He cares but does not care enough to give things ago because I am not fun, we can't communicate and he basically cannot be bothered to get to know me and he never saw me in a relationship in the short trem never mind the long term. I found all this out after a very hurtful text message because I did not have my phone with me and discussing this face to face. Now I can move on to a brighter 2007! Happy new year eveyone.