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Makiavelic76 · Dec 12, 2006, 09:40 PM

Yeap!. we were again together, and for some time things were going just fine... sudently another fight and another harsh words from her...

She came from a university reunion with some of her friends, and they all were with so me drinks on their heads, she came to pick me up to drive them to home, and I just play along them in a very friendly way. When we arrive to her home, she just make a "love" move on me, and I just said:"Hey baby, when you are like this, you seem to be playfull"... and that was it...

She responds with an agry face: It's because I'm with you, because in other way I would pick any other man around to do it!! "..... and then... she just spill lots of things harsh to me, some insightfull like: she said: maybe i need to be with someone of my age, i want to be with someone better than you, You just want me to destroy my happiness, you don't stop nagging me... and I was just telling her, that why she has to claim "that she would pick other man (been drunk)", i was trying to tell her that was hurtfull to me..

I just have to go from her place to avoid been smashed with all her commentaries... and the next she just call me saying: I'm sorry for the things i said yesterday (she sounds so forced to said that), i just respond to her: ok baby but those were hard words and it's not enought we have to talk.... she said.. ok ok maybe later..

Then i just wait for her to call me, and she never did... and the next she told me, why I didnt call her????? (am i craizy here?).

And the next days, we were in the typical "who get closer to each other first" squeme, and after 2 days, we get to talk, but she didnt recognize anything she said that day to me, but she still claims saying many things like, she didnt feel im on her mood on her lifestyle, that im too serious, that im not fun with her friends (which is proven untrue by the same friends of her).... so hearing those things, I start to feel she wants to break up with me and I just tell her in a polite and soft way: baby somtimes we can feel we want different things and people change, so you don't have to fell bad because of that, I love you but I you don't like me anymore I can take it"... and then she turn the table over... saying: "ahhhhh if you want to break up with me just say it" (cu cu cu).. :eek:

The next day I just call her for keep talking like we were, but she respond me in a very awfull way, and believe me, I'm so full of bad harsh words from her, that I just keep trying to mantein the calm, saying: OK, baby I just want it to say I miss you, do you miss me?. she responds, yes I do (forced way), but you just want to present yourself as a perfect man!! (wow wow I don't really where that came from)... and then I just react, saying: That's it, we are finished, I can't take you no more... and then I hang down the phone.
I don't what she really want... she claims not want to break up with me, but why she's telling all those things, making feel like she don't like the person that I am?. what she really wants??
She message me over the phone saying: For the love of God, just one question, is that your last word?

I don't know what to do... I know I love her but I love her good side not that dark side of her, I know I can't change her, I know if I get softy with this, she would react with revenge on me (emotional revenge).. is there a way here that I can preserve my dignity and also give her a lesson or put my foot down without losing her?

H.E.L.P. :( :confused:

Makiavelic76 · Dec 13, 2006, 05:55 PM

Thanks for the replies fellas!! It's over wellming

valinors_sorrow · Dec 13, 2006, 06:27 PM

Why would what it going to be posted on this thread be any different than what was already posted here on this previous thread?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...our-42702.html
Maybe there is a sense that you aren't really listening that discourages people from posting? I know I got a sense that you are really just as messed up as she is and if you aren't willing to look at self or do something about it, then there won't be much constructive stuff I can say. Just a thought!

Makiavelic76 · Dec 13, 2006, 07:04 PM

OK, OK... it's much sure that I got as much messed as she is.. and I'm starting to feel bad about myself because of that... the idea is putting all my situation here without shame of any detail, and read all the constructive imputs would help me pass through this dark period and put me back on track (emotional intelligence)..

The fact, that I end the relationship yesterday and the fact until this moment I'm not making any regret moves, it's a issue that I would need all the possible support.
When she message over the phone, I just put it plain and front: "I refuse to keep tolerating your abusive and hurtful behaviour, and unless you demostrate to be different and learn accept your mistakes as well, it's a goodbye forverer".

Believe me, I though it would be easy, but maybe it's because I'm so used to her wrong conduct, that my brain gives me signals like, maybe I was to hard on her, or your going to loose her like that or you are sending her to other man arms...

I know those thoughts are less than stupid and demostrate my lack of self appreciation for now, but I guess I just need support, and there's no other place or people that I can be so open to this, rather than here...

Am I doing right now??

Thanks

cyberslider · Dec 14, 2006, 11:43 AM

She is her good side and dark side that is the type of person she truly is and you can not change that. You need to find someone else that is like her good side only many out there

Makiavelic76 · Dec 14, 2006, 05:43 PM

Another day has passed by... it seems my message to her produced the "indiference" behavior on her again... or maybe it is her own fear to face her own mistakes that worth more than to save or care about my feelings..

I haven't contact with her at all, but this is scaring me the hell out of me...

I need just a little understanding what the reasons she's like that, maybe that would help me better to move on.. besides my own well being of course.

It is hard

s_cianci · Dec 14, 2006, 07:06 PM

I don't see why you'd want to stay with her. She may have a "good side" but it sounds like the bad far outweighs the good. I'd just break up with her and end it. Too much drama and aggravation for this to be worth it.

Makiavelic76 · Dec 14, 2006, 11:51 PM

Perhaps it is the custom to be with her on those good sides, I mean we have some things in common, sports practice, traveling together, some known of each other reactions... I don't know.. the memories! Ohhh boy... OK... yeap too much drama, but it hurts.

The funny part, this is hurting because I was the one who took the "end it" step. And this step was taken based on: 50% preserve my dignity and self care and 50% give her a strong precedent so she can realize that I won't be with her like that forever. And maybe I'm thinking in establish the possible if's for now on:

1.- If she get back to me, with a better view and positive position on our problems, how should I take her back to avoid the old wrong dynamics restores on us?

2.- If she don't get back to me, how should I deal with the guilt I feel about end it? I mean she could always said, you were the one who walk away.

3.- if she don't get back, because she get inmediatly (or a previosuly) involved with someone else, how can I minimize in my mind those regret thoughts?

I appreciate and would the support and the "not so easy to take thoughts" from all you on this sad moment.

Really from the heart... thank you so much

jeffatl · Dec 15, 2006, 01:02 AM

I say let this go man, she is NOT going to change... do NOT message her, and just go on with your life. The WORST thing you can do is let this stuff slide. She doesn't sound like a very nice person AT ALL, she wants to manipulate you... don't let her. What is the age diff between you? How old are you guys? She sounds like a real WITCH!

Makiavelic76 · Dec 15, 2006, 01:24 AM

Well, as I posted boyfriend I already message her my last ultimatum: "I refuse to keep tolerating your abusive and hurtful behaviour, and unless you demostrate to be different and learn accept your mistakes as well, it's a goodbye forverer"... right after I end the relationship over a phone fight.

I'm 27, she's 21... and the age difference was never a issue between us for the 90% of our relationship, until now..

But anyway, I'm trying to let this go jeff, maybe that's why I need to know the possibly responds of the 3 scenarios I put it above... (I know maybe the 1st one is based on my feelings only).

Thanks for the replies

jeffatl · Dec 15, 2006, 02:13 AM

Ok...

1- IF she come back to you and has a "better" attitude too you, it doesn't sound like you will run into problems at all.

2- If you don't get back together, why should you feel bad about it? It sounds to me like you gave her WAY TOO MUCH grace, and put your foot down when she is acting like a child.

3- there is no real way to get over something like that. I was with my ex for 5 years, 3 months after we broke up she was engaged to someone else. Go for a run, go to the gym... do whatever keeps your mind of the situation.

No offence to the 21 year old gals on here, but that age is TERRIBLE. She is just going to resent you for not "allowing her" (even if you totally do) to do whatever she wants to do... Its stupid really. It seems MOST girls at that age like having a guy they can call when they want, but don't want to be tied down... much like guys that age. The WORST thing you can do is keep going over this stuff again and again and again. It sounds like this girl is NOT a very nice person as I said before, relationships are about supporting, NOT bashing. She sounds like she needs to grow up, and you might have more "expectations" than what she wants right now. I'm 25 now, and I will NOT date girls younger than 23, I don't have the strength. Best of luck, I think you can do better, and I think she will come crawling back or at least drunk dial you. Don't be surprised if she does a lot of crap to try and make you mad with other guys too, just be above that crap.

Makiavelic76 · Dec 15, 2006, 03:54 AM

Thanks jeff...
Well, maybe if she gets back in a "possitve" attitude to me (which part of me hopes), I'm trying to figure how should I set the boudaries on a clear step to step basis.

Yes, I'm starting to agree with your opinion about early 20's yo girls, what would be the real reason (by having a non possesive partner) for them to behavie like that?.

Any other point of view on my 3 previous questions??

Thanks a lot

talaniman · Dec 15, 2006, 04:09 AM

Why are you wasting your time trying to change this female? Either you accept her for who she is, or you get out of this relationship. As in your other thread you seem to be trying to make her into something she is not, and you find misery instead. Hey, wake up and move on, or stop complaining about how bad she treats you. Its your fault for staying, not hers for abusing you.

Makiavelic76 · Dec 15, 2006, 04:33 AM

Good point... maybe the decision to end this relationship as I did, it was based more into "making" her analize her own failures with me, but I guess WRONG again!.

It's my fault yess!

I still wonder, if she realizes on her own ways, how she did wrong with us... and of course if I still be emotionally available, how would it be the best "starting over" steps?

Thanks talaniman... always direct and plain straight but so gooood :)

talaniman · Dec 15, 2006, 04:56 AM

Let it go. It is a useless question that you have no control over at all. Better to ask yourself where do YOU go from here?

Makiavelic76 · Dec 15, 2006, 08:26 AM

Thanks, Talaniman, very valuable your opinion to me.

Any other suggestion or different approach on this, please :cool:

Makiavelic76 · Dec 17, 2006, 12:22 AM

Still facing my decision... it is still hard, I'm having seconds thoughts... and she seems very cold about it..
Well, I know, I know, I shouldn't care about what she thinks about this, now.

I feel the urge to ask you people, besides all the NC rule and "be busy" system, How can someone overcome the thoughts of "i wouldn't be abble to find a girl with much similarities as she does with me". I mean, she's a competitive one, and that was one of the things I really like about her, and thinking now about other girls.. hmm... they all look "standard" (please forgive me the girls around here, it's my momentary perception) to me.

The problem here, is we used to do a variety of activities together, sports, travelling, hanggin, and if I'm going to be distracted and busy I probably have to do some of those things, which will make me remember her, and stop doing those things it's a call for just "doing nothing" since all the common likes we had.

I wish someone write a mannual about "moving on" with full details at operational level LOL :o

talaniman · Dec 17, 2006, 07:21 AM

Browse the posts written by Skell, Geoffersonairplane, and chuff, guys on this forum who in my opinion, show the best examples of moving on. Notice the dates they came and the advice given, its good reading. Just click on their names and click on questions asked on their profile page. You will find this is not easy at all, and it takes time and work.

s_cianci · Dec 17, 2006, 11:12 AM

Originally Posted by Makiavelic76

1.- If she get back to me, with a better view and positive position on our problems, how should I take her back to avoid the old wrong dynamics restores on us?

2.- If she don't get back to me, how should I deal with the guilt i feel about end it? I mean she could always said, you were the one who walk away.

3.- if she don't get back, because she get inmediatly (or a previosuly) involved with someone else, how can i minimize in my mind those regret thoughts?

1. Just tell her again that you won't tolerate her abusive treatment and the minute she starts up again, you're clicking your heels and walking away just like before. Just be prepared to really do it. If she gets back to you, that puts you in an ideal position as it give you the power in the relationship and forces her to have too work at it to keep you. That's what you want.

2. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You had every right to end things and were wise to do so. She may say "you were the one who walked away" but you had good and legitimate reasons for doing so. Just keep reminding her why you walked away.

3. Say good riddance and feel sorry for the poor sap.