[LJDK]

Hi.
Please do not merge threads. Stating this because what i am about to describe and ask about sounds to be a general thing amongst women and i need advise on this topic alone.

Hope you understand.

That being said here is the situation.

The situation of having very little time left for herself (fiance), always having to listen to others opinions on what they think is best, and the major reality check that yes, she is going to get married soon is stressing her out a lot. Result = take it out on her fiancé (me). Nitpick every fault, constantly distant. Mood swings. One moment so excited about the wedding and how the planning is going, next moment angry and depressed for no apparent reason.

How do you handle something like this? The emotional rollercoaster? 2 female friends of mine warned me a week ago about how I should not take anything seriously coming from my fiancé. In the sense of angry things she says. Lashing out at me for nothing. Although her reality is that its perfectly fair to lash out. The girls also said this was going to happen due to the frustration from having 2 mothers both wanting an equal say constantly forcing her to pick a side.

I must admit I am coping very well with this due to my excersize program. Not so prone to becoming stressed or depressed. However I do find this disturbing. For a lack of better words I would call it for my coldness and care free attitude towards the fiancé who is what I would call constant lashing out.

So I guess my question is, if there is any other advise apart from do not take her too seriously during this phase as its major stress on her. Apart from the two girls warning me, I have another female friend who is getting married this week, and it was good to note that she was ranting and raving over her fiancé every single day. And how scared she is. So considering 3 girls went through the same thing, I would assume this is normal behaviour for the girls to do this.

[talaniman]

Dude, this is one of those times its better for a guy to keep his mouth shut, grin, and bear it. The girls are right, don't take anything personally, and consider this a trial run for how to act when she gets pregnant.

Start by practicing "yes dear" in the mirror, and get good at it. Not that it will help at all, but you have to say something, or they will kill you for not caring, and ignoring them.

This works for pregnant females, and brides. Just do what they say, and go yes dear, and your chances of survival go up dramatically.

[asking]

I think this is a good time to establish that you have feelings too and don't like being lashed out at and that she should treat you with more respect. I think way too much importance is attached to the details of weddings and not enough to the fact that this is the beginning of a marriage. It should not start with her being rude to you and you checking out emotionally.

You might offer to help her by listening and commiserating, and if it will help, trouble shooting some of these situations. It sounds like she's caught between her mother and yours. You should be involved. But in return, she has to promise to treat you with respect and kindness. In a word, you should begin learning how to cherish one another. If she lashes out, just leave the room.

[LJDK]

I must admit the yes dear thing works. But won't it backfire and make your girl lose respect in you, thinking you're a pushover?

"asking" this approuch of leaving the room sounds good, but I'm afraid it will build distance between us.

If this is practise for a pregnant wife, then I must admit I am terrified.

[talaniman]

Naw dude, no worries about being a push over. That's only during times of duress, like weddings, and births. When she is normal, then you act as you normally do. Leaving her alone with the other females during the wedding planning is the way to go, because this is a no way you win time, and we are at the emotional mercy of our females. But we get through it, and then but never show fear, just have patience, and sympathy.

Like any storm in our lives, this will pass and we will get through it. Just understand these are special times for woman and you better not blow it.

[asking]

I must admit the yes dear thing works. But wont it backfire and make your girl lose respect in you, thinking your a pushover?

"asking" this approuch of leaving the room sounds good, but im affraid it will build distance between us.

If this is practise for a pregnant wife, then i must admit i am terrified.

I think the "yes dear" thing sounds like you are blowing her off, which you are. It shows you don't care what she says or how she says it. If someone talked that way to me, it would indicate a lack of respect for me and I would then harbor a lack of respect for them that they wouldn't tell me what they really thought.

I meant leaving the room only after making reasonable attempts to reach her. Just say something like, I feel like I can't talk to you right now. And then hopefully talk it out later. You aren't a punching bag and she should not treat you like that.

Pregnant women are not like this. In fact the hormones mostly make them rather mellow. If there's a lot of morning sickness, that's usually between months 2 and 3 and can be stressful. The middle is usually easy, but the last three months, it's hard to sleep, plus there's the anxiety about approaching birth. But even so, the hormones keep things not too bad.

Talaniman is perhaps referring to labor, when the woman is actually delivering a baby. The pain varies for different women, but a doctor I know who delivers babies says it's been compared to the pain of having your fingers chopped off one by one. Not a good time to try to be funny for example.

With the wedding, your fiancée is struggling to satisfy a lot of competing interests. Everything has to be "perfect," a situation that always leads to stress. When she's not upset about something specific, you might talk to her about letting go a little, trying to treat it with some humor. Remind her that you love her and just want the two of you to be happy and this is only one day.

I just went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago ,where both the mothers (of groom and bride) were totally stressed. The bride was smiling but looked worried all the time. Everybody seemed to be on edge. Maybe they'll remember it fondly, but as a guest, it wasn't much fun to be around. The bride's father, who is a friend of mine, was doing the "yes dear" thing. :)

[talaniman]

The bottom line is not to get so caught up in the events you don't pay careful attention to what's really going on around you.

This is no time to be insecure, or needy, or let your fear make you act, or react emotionally.

That's why you just pay attention, and act appropriately, and understand her stress, and not make it worse.

Just so you know, "yes dear" is also a warning as to "your pushing to hard, and my back is against the wall".

Removing yourself from a situation you can't handle is ALWAYS a good option. People under stress do get carried away. But all females (and males) are unique unto themselves, and paying attention, and deciding what works best for you, and yours, is the best course of action.

[Fr_Chuck]

The wedding and all its stress is hers unless you had agreements going into it. The larger the wedding the wilder it gets.

About 1/3 of all of the couples doing big weddings even have thoughts of calling it off during that last month from the extreme stress

Also on big weddings, something will ( always) go wrong, sometimes little, sometimes big, in 5 years it will be funny, it may be funny to you that day, but don't admit it.

[LJDK]

Thx people. Some good insight here. I will try to take everything and remember to keep it in mind. Things have calmed down a lot for now, but I'm pretty sure it will come back soon.

As said, I am not a punching bag. I made this clear to her, although I have this suspicion it will only last for 2 - 3 weeks at most.

Our wedding is not big at all. We will be 50 people max. Can't afford a bigger wedding. Oh, and I usually do not need to leave the room. After her freaking out she ends up running off to another room refusing to talk. Lol.

I am very tempted to tell her mother to show more interest in the wedding. Her mom shows little to no interest and I think this is stressing my fiancé out even more. This however might be a snowball effect from the fact that her mom never calls her anymore and always invites us to do things with her, only to tell us when we show up at the door that she made plans with others in the mean time.

Leaving my fiancé to feel rejected and unloved by her mom. Sigh. But I guess I can't get involved there. Otherwise I would be the enemy.