[laydeebug68]

I know this is lengthy and I apologize but hope that someone will take the time to read and reply. Thanks in advance!

During my divorce which was final January of 2006, I met someone also going through a divorce. I was very apprehensive about dating or even going out with anyone because I was just freeing myself of a horrible and abusive 14 year marriage. But our paths crossed over a chance meeting and we befriended each other. We've since become involved and intimate. He will not admit that what we have is a relationship or that I am his girlfriend and only on the rare occasion will he tell me he loves me because he is still ironing out the final details of his very sticky contested divorce and he can only concentrate and be consumed with his daughter's wellbeing.

I know that what we have is loving and committed. He's done nothing to breach what we have in anyway and we have talked about a future together without a time line. Just taking things one day at a time and helping each other lick our wounds. Yet not putting what we have in the form of words like "relationship". He's told me and reassures me that "There are a whole bag of crumbs headed your way when this is all over with." So I patiently wait. There for him. His safe place to land. His rock.

My divorce was very cut and dry. There are children involved but were able to work out an uncontested divorce. His contested divorce is still dragging on... Back the beginning of this October during divorce proceedings a judgement was rendered. He was awarded full custody of his 5 year old daughter. Let me note that all she walked away with was $5K in equity in the house, some household belongings and he paid off her car.

Although the judgement was read in October, the judge has made the two of them work out the parenting plan for the non-school schedule. He was not going to sign the decree until the parenting plan was worked out. She's working in teacher in service days, Halloween, Good Friday, Veteran's Day into her parenting plan. Her demands have been beyond ridiculous.

There is no compromising with this woman. They've spent the last two months going back and forth between attorneys hashing this out and she will not budge from wanting the tax credit and worded in her parenting plan that she was awarded back child support from the time SHE left him to the time the divorce is final. Side note: Before the final judgement in October they had verbally agreed to joint custody of the child although he had her the majority of the time. Nothing was ever worked out in writing so when she felt like having her daughter, she'd call the cops on him... It's been an absolute nightmare.

There's a lifetime movie in this somewhere. So We've been seeing each other for almost a year and a half now. He has been trudging his way through his divorce process going on 2 years now. Not too many people know of our "relationship" as he isn't taking any chances on who or who he can trust. He doesn't want his ex finding out he's moved on with his life as she could definitely use what we have to her advantage. His ex is the type of woman who would spend $10,000 to say that she beat him out of $1,000 just to be declared the winner. She had nothing substantial to hang on him during divorce proceedings although she habitually lied on the stand. Fortunately she came across as a money hungry gold digger. Time with her daughter and what is in her daughter's best interest has never been or never was an issue. Only what she could financially gain by having full custody.

Last February, he was so fed up with keeping "us" under wraps, we would "run into each other" out.. The ice cream store, the circus, a restaurant. That way we could all spend time together when he had his daughter and I had my kids. This almost bit him in the behind when during the Discovery process his ex was questioning who I was and who my kids were as his daughter referred to spending time with them. Sadly we stopped "running into each other". We put a cell phone in my name which he carries and uses when his daughter's not around so there's nothing on his cell bill linking me to him.. This is our only form of communication.

Remember, our meeting each other took place after both of us had filed for divorce so this friendship did not cause either of our divorces but leaning on the side of caution as he wanted custody of his daughter more than anything this is how we conducted ourselves. We tried not seeing each other at all until the divorce was over but that didn't last long. We missed our conversations.. Seeing each other... Everything...

He's a wonderful man, the most dedicated father. I've fallen for him hook, line and sinker. He is however I feel obsessively and overly cautious and still looking over his shoulder whenever we're out in public which isn't very often. He's not about to do anything but status quo as we know it until the papers are signed and in his hand and I'm accepting of that.

Long story short, what I want to know is how much longer can she continue to drag this out? When can he get on with life? There's an appeal window in the state in which we live of a period of 30 days. Does this 30 days begin the day the judgement was read or 30 day from the day the decree is signed? The judge has not signed the decree and won't sign until the parenting plan is agreed on. So he not yet legally divorced. And once the decree is signed, can he legally begin seeing whomever he wants to see on that day or can he do that now? And if the 30 day window for filing an appeal begins the day the decree is signed, would there be a problem with us to run into each other before that 30 days is up reason being could she come back and say he lied during divorce proceedings about seeing someone and go back and try for custody of their daughter? Should we play it safe and wait another 30 days from the day the decree is signed before we run into each other again? It's frustrating as here comes another Christmas holiday season we can't get back in which we could all be doing and enjoying the season together. And knowing what she is like an appeal of some kind is no doubt eminent so how do we go about handling that? When can we come out of the shadow with what we have and allow our families to enjoy time together?

Tired of patiently waiting...

[valinors_sorrow]

I would do two things, if I were you. And I may take some flak for saying this because it may come across as jaded when that is not the tone I mean for it to have. I would hold to the commitment to ride it out all way but only after I did some independent checking to see that what he is telling you is the real deal. I know, its not fun to think what I am thinking but I say this simply because my impression of you is that he is your only source of information on all of this and those kind of arrangements always leave me a little too uncertain.

If I am barking up the wrong tree and you already have confirmation enough from other sources, then I shall have some sorry skinned knees and I apologise. Its just that I know how vulnerable people can be post divorce, how wacky the world is and how hard waiting for a man to set his ex, and all that comes with that, in order. And so I would like to have a really clear conscience when I encourage you to go the distance.

Just so you know, my husband's divorce was lengthy and while we held off living together until he was officially divorced, we did see each other openly. She left him and I met him shortly after she filed for divorce. As it was, once she realised we were seeing each other, she implied infidelty, as if we were an item beforehand to their kids but Michael's lawyer filed something and that came to an abrupt halt. Had there been something she could have done to him legally, she would have because I saw with my own eyes some incredibly nasty things that weren't so legal. So some of the caution in your story seems a bit disproportionate to me because of this experience.

[calawmom]

Hi Laydeebug68!
Legally, your questions depend largely on whether you live in a "no-fault" divorce state. Perhaps you could answer that question, and I or someone else could provide you with more detailed info. Generally, in a no-fault state, neither party has to allege infidelity or anything else to get a divorce. I will say that for the most part, custody and visitation orders/plans are always modifiable at anytime before the child/ren reach 18. Therefore, she can drag you back into court to modify over and over again, but there ARE legal standards that she has to meet to prove that the change is necessary. These standards vary in difficulty depending where you are in the proceedings. Let me know if you are in a "no-fault" state, and I may have more to add. Hang in there!

[valinors_sorrow]

My mistake here and thanks for correcting it Calawmom. I live in a no fault only state and did not realise there are still fault based divorces. That would change a lot.

[calawmom]

Val, you rock! Your answer was thoughtful and sensitive. Plus, you have the cutest cat pic I have ever seen!:p
Looking forward to many more chats with you!
calawmom