[jparris2]

My question is that my 13 year old stepson doesn't want to listen to me about chores and gives me attitude every day that his father is at work. But when his father is about to come home from work he only does what his father said for him to do on a daily basis. The kid acts like a different boy when his dad gets home?? I have discussed this with my husband, nothing really happens. He (hubby) says the kid is on spring break not your slave... All I ask him to do along with his daughter is help clean the house. I make sure the kids are fed and have games, etc... By the way he (son) every time we argue, I want to go back to my moms house I will walk out the door and walk home.
It doesn't help matters when his mom is ignorant and is in her 30's dating a 20 year old thug from Florida. And she has 2 younger sons. It seems she just lets the teen boy run wild around their trashy neighborhood. The boy has been suspended numerous times at school for fighting and talking back, and missing days...

[Wondergirl]

You aren't the boy's mom, so nothing is going to make him listen to you, especially if his dad and you aren't on the same page.

Is there some way you and your stepson can begin to have a good relationship?

[redhed35]

At 13 he is not going to do it just because you want him too,you really have no emotional connections with him yet.there has to be something in it for him.

What does he like?
Music? Computer games?

Here is a suggestion that might work.

When he asks for something he really wants,instead of saying no straight away,offer him away of earning the money,you want him to do chores,he wants money to buy his item,set a chore list of things he must do first,without pay,extra jobs he can earn an allowance.

Don't keep going on about it,but if he looks for money,remind him of your offer.

Try not to get into a confrontation with him,be calm,and straight up,if he does not do anything,say nothing,13 year olds always want something,and when its comes up again,again,remind him of your offer,do not buy the item for him.

You need your husbands backing on this.

You need help tidying up the garden for instance,working together,physical exercise combinded with job satisfaction and a few quid in his pocket,might change is attitude towards you.

As he is working whatever job it is,praise the hell out of him,lash on the praise,find something about him that you admire,it must be sincere, and give honest appreciation.

It sounds like he has a lot of issues going on,and a stable foundation will help him,don't forget you're the adult,your not his mother,but you can be the person he can rely on when he needs help.

[Jake2008]

You may also, in addition to the really good information above, talk to your husband about HIS attitude, that you are treating his son like a slave. Obviously the kid has more credibility with his father, than you have. Not right.

A 13 year old boy needs guidance, direction and discipline, from both of you- together. This isn't optional when you are facing the teenage years with a child who hasn't got a clue about responsibility, behaviour expectations, and consequences.

What is your husband teaching him about learning what he needs to know in order to become a man.

He needs chores and responsibilities in order to gain confidence and a feeling of self worth. He needs to feel satisfaction in doing a job well, and he has to learn that even though it is an unpleasant task, he has to muster up the self discipline, and get the job done.

He has to learn to show respect toward another adult (you), and learn that while he has managed so far to play you off against your husband, that game will stop.

What it allows your husband to do, is pick sides (ie you treat him like a slave), and leave you in the dust.

I would recommend the three of you sit down and come up with a plan while you and your husband still have some authority and control.

Draw up a list of chores, maybe 10 that are age appropriate. Tell him to pick three. Advise him that the consequence will be no allowance for the week, if the chores are not done.

Talk to your husband about the damage he is doing to his son, by not being a parent. He is not onboard with stepping up, and making changes, for his son's sake. He's doing him no favours in allowing him to grow up thinking that he can pick what he wants to do. Someday he will be a man, and will be a very poor one, if his father does not set an example.

I think because everybody benefits in many ways from being contributors to a household, you have every right to expect both of them to 'get it', and pitch in.