[caitright]

I just discovered this site and after reading some questions on relationships I jumped to register. I've been stuck in this situation for months and it's haunting me. I've spoken with a couple close friends, but there seems to be no solution. I don't know what to do. Love is the most amazing thing in the world yet it will, well, haunt you. I really hope someone will have some advice for me...

I'm 18 and I've had two very serious relationships (1 1/2 years and 2 1/2 years) as well as smaller relationships. I fell very much in love over the past year 1/2. My best friend at age 15 moved to Europe. I had always had a huge crush on him but never said anything because we were both taken at the time. Years went by and we lost touch. In 2005, he called me from Europe out of the blue one day. It was as if not a day had gone by, we jumped in to a 2 hour conversation. At first about life, then about anything under the sky. It was like we were completely best friends again. I started talking to him almost daly on instant messenger (because the phone is so expensive) and I started buying calling cards to call him when I could. I couldn't help it, all of my feelings for him came back even though I had a boyfriend at the time.

I told myself it didn't make sense because he lived so far away and we hadn't seen each other in four years. I ended up vacationing to Europe this past February and I got to spend two days with him. I was so nervous at first, I had no idea what he would be like after so long, and I was worried he wouldn't like me. It was just the opposite. The second I saw him I couldn't take my eyes off him. We connected instantly. I got to see where he lives and we just spent the two days together. It was perfection. Although he had a girlfriend at this point, we couldn't help it. We were totally falling in love with each other. He kissed me the first night I was there and that one kiss was the most amazing kiss I have ever had in my life. It was perfection. Leaving him was the saddest moment. I wouldn't admit to myself or him that I was falling in love.

We continued to talk on the phone and through instant messenger when I got back to the US. I even bought a webcamera so we could see each other. That was amazing, being able to see his face from across the ocean. We really struggled for a few months because we knew we liked each other so much but couldn't possibly be together. He isn't a pessimist... but he does think realistically. In that time we both were not in relationships. He would confess feelings for me and then take them back because he was confused. I had this feeling it wasn't over and that I hadn't finished being with him.

This past July he was able to come visit me for 12 days. I was scared that it would be weird at first, but it wasn't weird. It was perfect. We spent every second together. We never got bored of each other. We talked about everything. We had an amazing time. We cooked and saw plays and watched movies and went in to the city and just spent time together. I got to know everything about him. I can't describe love. It's impossible. All I can say is that I felt like all that mattered in the world was him and me being together. I wasn't floating, I just... was. I was every good feeling in the world. I thought maybe it was infatuation, but it's not. I was in love. I was so in love. I've never been like this before. We were in love with each other.

When he left I didn't know what I was going to do. I cried... I decided that I couldn't possibly feel that way for anyone else ever. We have spoken sporadically since he's left. He was out of the country for a month and when he got back home we both headed off to our colleges. His is in Europe, mine is here in the US. I am supposed to go visit him in March, and the following year I am spending 3 months studying in his country. He even considered transferring to a school in the US or Canada to be closer to me, and if not I was planning on moving to Europe after college.

Here's the problem (if you haven't already picked out a million other ones). We agreed that we were going to live our lives. That we wouldn't stop ourselves from being with other people while still knowing how much we love each other. It's not as easy as it seems though. I went on a few dates with this guy here at college a few months ago. One thing led to another... and now we're in a serious relationship. He knows about this guy in Europe, but nowhere near the extent of what we had. I didn't know it was going to get this serious, and in the mean while I can't stop thinking about the guy in Europe. I think about him every day and miss him every day. I long to be with him still. I told him about my new boyfriend, and he wasn't happy... but he said as long as I'm happy he will be OK. Then a few weeks later I called him and found out that he too is in a relationship. He seems to really like her, and I really like my boyfriend. He says he's still in love with me... but I just don't know how that can be.

I'm so confused. I know I'm still in love with him... but if that's the case, how can I feel so strongly for another person? I'm not in love with my new boyfriend, but I do feel very ver strongly for him and think I could definitely be in love with him. I'm not letting myself fall though, because I still have this haunting love in Europe. It doesn't make sense. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how the guy in Europe is really feeling. It's hard to know when I can't speak with him every day or see him physically. I'm scared to go see him in March because I know I will still be in love with him... and what if we are both with our new significant others? I don't want him to be out of my life even if I do want to live it. I considered him to be such a big part of my future. I don't know what to do. I still love him so much... gah.

If you actually read all of this, tahnk you so much. It actually makes me feel better to get it all out there. I just need a little advice, anything...

[s2tp]

So so hard! I wish I had a solid answer for you... but I am split on what you could do...

I recently had a similar situation with a guy. We were good friends for 3 years while we were both overseas in different countries (military). We always expressed our feeling, but we just felt like our lives were always going to keep us apart. We are both out of the military now, but I have taken a civilian job in the middle east. I got to spend 5 days with him before leaving and everything felt so good and right. I wouldn't go so far as to say I fell in love with him, but I really felt like we could be something more someday. We both joked about other relationships... I would tell him to stay away from the shady girls (he had a very bad break up a few months before meeting me again) and he would tell me the same about guys... it was like we wanted to be together but we felt it was too hard. We talked every day on messenger and eventually we got so deep into our feelings that we were more than friends... and we eventually decided to be serious long distance and things were OK for about a week. His insecurities and jealousies eventually pushed me away... I can't say that is what would happen to you and your guy... but long distance is very hard.

The fact that you can both have other relationships and really care about them... well in my eyes it would be better for the both of you to let go of the love you have for each other and take what is easier... I know that sounds sad, to let go of something so great, but I just feel like long distance ruins things. Unless you can get closer together... then I think you obviously have something special with each other... and would say do anything within your power to be together...

*shrug* I guess I am not really any help... but I wish you the best. Hopefully someone else here will be bale to give you some better advice :)

[SouthernBelle06]

Long distance is hard on any relationship, but if the two of you are truly in love, why not stop seeing others and be exclusive with one another? It seems as if both of you would be willing to move to be where the other is as soon as possible, so this may possibly work out in the future.

It doesn't sound like one of those situations where neither is willing to budge or move and it will be long distance indefinitely. It just seems that if you love someone, it would be hurtful to you if they dated others. I don't think I could handle it... especially in a long distance relationship. That is asking for trouble.

But if you don't feel the same about each other as far as a relationship goes right now (due to the distance) and don't agree to exclusivity, it seems best to just try to keep it platonic until you can move closer to each other and then try to date again if you are both free. Not that I would recommend moving for someone you weren't committed to, only if one of you was planning to move to the other's country anyway. That would seem to be the fair thing to do if the two of you have boyfriends/girlfriends locally anyway. It would keep innocent people from being hurt here.

I'm not sure if I'm much help here either or what the exact answer is. This is a difficult situation. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[rol]

<< Then a few weeks later I called him and found out that he too is in a relationship. He seems to really like her, and I really like my boyfriend. He says he's still in love with me... but I just don't know how that can be.
>>

Sorry but the guy is not at all in love with you!! if he was he would be with you by now! and please leave your new guy as you are obviously not in love with him either but using him as a rebound.

[ordinaryguy]

Well, I'd say you're a pretty typical 18-year-old, being pulled this way and that by the shifting winds of attraction and emotion. This would be happening whether you had a boyfriend in Europe or not. It's way too soon to decide anything permanent, so try not to get too worked up about it. Take your life a day at a time and treat your friends and lovers as you would want to be treated yourself. Most of your suffering over this is self-inflicted, so lighten up a little. Time has a way of resolving these dilemmas, and there's no way to predict the outcome, so just relax.