[Polaris89]

Hi everyone, I stumbled upon these forums 2 weeks ago as I broke up with my girlfriend and immediately sought help and advice to assist me on my decision making as my logic is constantly fighting a war with my emotions thus faltering my judgement. I have found a lot of help already through peoples posts and I was surprised to see (as selfish as it sounds) people experiencing the same rollercoaster I've been on recently, so here I am giving my story in hope that I and/or others will learn from my mistakes.

Im 21 and have been studying Sound production and engineering at college for the past year. When I first started college I had just recovered from a drug problem (cannabis) and was confidently changing my life for the better and things were going great. Just as I started to think things could not get any better I was in the pub at lunch and I got introduced to a gorgeous girl who had a bubbly and caring personality on first impression so I immediately seized the opportunity as she had taken an interest in me too.
I was top of the world because for the first time in my life I found someone who shared similar interests to me and I couldn't take my eyes off her, she was too good to be true but I didn't complain for a second. Things were going amazinginly great as you would expect in the honeymoon period. We never argued, always reminded each other how we felt, spoilt each other with attention and we were happy together it seemed like it could never go wrong. Sadly 5 months into the relationship all of those things I mentioned began to deteriorate before my eyes and I had no control over it. She was starting to get stressed from college work and was slowly beginning to change around me, becoming less talkative and generally had no conern from anything I had to say. I recognised this as a problem which if left unsolved could create larger problems in future so I asked her why she was being strange with me, she said she was stressed yet what I couldn't understand was she was fine around everyone else BUT me. I only wanted to help her, to catch her when she fell, Not be a thorn in her side. She started to pull away from me, I started seeing her less, arguments became more frequent and violent (never physically). She would never hug or kiss me, I had to make all the moves and then eventually I had to bloody ask!

Her reasons were apparently because we weren't going out enough because I never had money (im unemployed) and she was getting bored of sitting indoors watching TV which is fair enough, but money was never that important to me I always wanted to just be with her whether we were going out somewhere or not it made no difference to me. She has a different lifestyle from me, she spends a lot of time with her family where as I spend next to none with mine because I was brought up to make my own decisions as my parents were hardly around and when they were they just spoilt me so I never had a sense of earning anything. Her mom has cancer so she understandably wants to spend a lot of time with her as she doesn't know how much time she has left with her so when I stayed at hers we spent a lot of time watching TV with her family which I found really hard to get used to, but believe me, I tried. She hated how I wasn't comfortable with it and I couldn't do anything about it. As these problems persisted I became reaquanted with cannabis as I was getting frustrated and it soothed my mind when I was stressed out, but then it became a problem again as I started smoking too much to the point it clouded my judgement and gave me mood swings as well as paranoia, I started asking her too many questions as I wanted answers to why she was being the way she was. We had 1 big argument which nearly ended it and although we sorted it out, it was clear from that point on I was skating on thin ice as she said if I accuse her of anything one more time, that its over for good. I said that we should maybe take things slow as we rushed into things too fast in the beginning but I never realised that she would stop saying she loved me and would make me work my off just to get a reaction from her.

Finally, here's the guillotine that enforced the breakup. Some of my best friends are girls and I look to them for advice a lot when I'm in need. About 3 weeks ago 2 of my good friends told me that my friend Kitty who I had spoke to a lot about my rising relationship problems actually fancied me. It caught me off guard as I didn't see it coming and I started to over think her intentions thinking that she could have possibly been trying to split us up so she could have me for herself. I stayed at my gf's house a few days afterwards and I was not going to tell her as I thought it would only bring problems. Me being an idiot and ignoring my logic, I told her but she didn't even seem to care about what I was saying at all so I thought nothing of it. The next day I phoned my girlfriend up to arrange to see each other another day when she all of a sudden told me that had told Kitty everything I said. She said it with a very serious yet aggressivley motivated tone of voice which provoked me, I exploded on the phone saying that she should have said to me first so we could have sorted it together rather than ignorantly taking it into her own hands and possibly destroying my friendship with Kitty, she argued back saying she had a right as my girlfriend to know the truth which I can understand but most recently she hadn't seemed to give a about being my girlfriend so I didn't believe that was her true intentions. I was blinded by my anger and confusion, and I told her the only reason she did it was to piss me off. 2 days later when the 3 of us were in college we agreed to sort it out together but as soon as I spoke to my girlfriend she was being incredibly stubborn, not listening to reason at all. I started to be accused of saying things I didn't say so again I exploded as I felt cornered and eventually she just said "it's over" and walked away. I done what most guys do and immediately tried to convince her that I messed up and that it was all my fault. After another hour of argueing about things that we hadn't previously discussed in detail, I started to see all the things that had been bothering her come out in one brutal attack. She said "sorry, its over and we are never getting back together" insisting that we be friends but I knew damn well it wouldn't be that simple. I gave her all her stuff back the next day with a fake smile on my face as I pretended to not be hurt.

I didn't see her until the next week which was our last week at college and I didn't really have any conversation with her, we saw each other in the corridors and gave direct eye contact, she even nearly stumbled one time as she walked past. I was thinking it would be best to just give her some time to realise that she made a mistake but it seems like that isn't going to happen being the way she is, she's too proud to admit when she's wrong and I can say the same about myself to a certain extent which is why our arguments got so bad as we could never give each other any common ground, it just constantly esculated. She was at the same party as me last night as we have the same group of friends, I was having a good time and so was she though we didn't really speak to each other much at all and when we did it was idle chit chat but the tension was still present, I could feel it. It hurt me so bad watching her laugh and joke around with other guys while completely ignoring me but I just kept turning the other cheek and drinking away, I could tell some of my actions were bothering her too. As it stands right now, our friends are telling us to talk to each other and resolve it which I have been willing to do since the break up, but she apparently doesn't want to talk to me so now I've got to take a bite out of a sandwich and like it while she takes her time. As far as I can see right now I have 2 options - 1) wait it out and hope she comes to me in time to sort it out and maybe get back together or 2) Ditch her now and move on. I realised already that the break up would require me to make some changes in my life and so I have. What hurts me right now is that I feel like if I wait for her there's a chance it just won't happen and that she will never get back to me. I know she still cares about me a lot but she has a strong mentality and can hide her emotions well unlike me, I tend to be too sensitive, too trusting and too open about things which is probably why I'm in this position.

If u have read this much then thank you for taking the time. As I'm sure many of you already know it's a very lonely and confusing phase I'm going through and what I really need is good honest opinions on how I can approach this massive obstacle. I still love her and I can honestly say that she was far from perfect and so am I, but she was perfect for me. If there's a chance I can get back with her I want to seize it, if not, then I'll adapt and start a fresh.

[BWK10]

I know what you're going through, I am shockingly in the same position as you are. Things just, changed with her and I.. same amount of time and noticed her being distant too. I'm sorry for everything that has gone on with you, and I know it's hard.

Honestly, it seems like the ball is in her court, not yours. Same with my situation... it's her move. That move may never come. It's honestly best for you to go NC, and start to heal from the emotional roller coaster you've been on. I wish I could take my own advice.

As I said, its her move... not yours, all you can do is "wait". I'm not saying, sit and hold out hope that she'll come back, cause she very well not make that next move. Begin to heal, NO CONTACT.. at all. Trust me, I have been broken up with my ex for 3 weeks now and just started NC a few days ago (I kept checking social sites, etc)... I'm on day three, its hard.. really hard. It's for the best.

Chin up, head up.

[Cat1864]

She already said it's over. Stop waiting around for what you know isn't going to happen. Read the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board if you haven't already.

Go No Contact as much as you can with a school and friends in common. Leave her to her life and you live your own life.

Stop 'self-medicating' (if you haven't already) alcohol and other drugs only cause problems they don't solve them.

Let yourself heal. Figure out what you want in a relationship. When you are ready, find someone who is willing to work with you to build a relationship.

[talaniman]

It was great while it lasted, but now that its over, bow out of her life gracefully and fast and rebuild your own life that you enjoy, without her.