[DexterM]

Ok, this is my first post. I'm nervous, but I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year, lived together for 7 months. He's 32, I'm 24. We get along great. Interested in the same things. I love him with everything I have.
Problem: He won't have sex with me. I am a very sexual person. We used to be like rabbits, then it just stopped. I am also very shy. I went out on a limb and started to initiate sex. I try to kiss him and start 'touching' him and he just says he's not in the mood.
I know there are things that are stressing him out. Work is slow and finances are down. I've tried talking to him, but all he says is "I don't know." He swears it's not me. He doesn't watch porn. He does play a lot of video games since work is so slow. He is also in 3 bands. Practice 4 nights a week, so he's always tired.
I've tried to think of sexy things to do. Undressing in front of him (no response), just grabbing him, talking, crying, yelling. Nothing seems to do anything. Please help...

[dookiss2]

You might want to make sure he isn't seeing anyone else. Life is too short to put up with loving someone and the are not loving you back.

[Cat1864]

It sounds like he is tired and stressed out maybe even a little depressed with everything piling up. That's enough to kill even the healthiest libido and start a downward spiral. The spiral probably continues to get worse with the thought of not being able to satisfy your needs (and probably his own). It becomes a self-defeating cycle.

Try backing off from making demands. Try starting with showing affection, cuddling, kissing, etc. with NO intentions of having sex. Sometimes, just taking the pressure to perform off can do wonders.

Get out of the house together. Grab some snacks and head to the nearest park. Spend time just watching the clouds go by. Relax. Get out of the rut that it sounds like you have both fallen into. Enjoy just being together in a different setting.

Adapt to the changes that every relationship goes through or, if you can't, move on, heal, and start over.

[DexterM]

Thanks so much guys. I know we are both stressed and tired. I was suspecting that he was depressed from everything. I know I've been depressed as well. And the sex thing, or lack there of, was definitely not helping. I have tried backing off and just enjoying our time together, but sometimes it's just not enough. I read in another thread that sex is like relationship glue. I am very insecure. He told me once that it seemed like I felt unloved if he didn't show it physically. And that is part true. I suppose for now I will just try to sit back and not pressure him. Thanks again. Anymore advice would definitely be appreciated.

[Maddz311]

Hm... my advice would be to... spoil him? IDK. I guess treating him best you can. Putting aside your needs/expectations/desires and putting him first. Trying to make him feel good in general and about himself. Give him a great back massage. Ask him what he wants to do? Cook a romantic dinner. I agree with PP that you need to release the demand of sex. And that stress is a libido killer. Hang in there!

[Cat1864]

I read in another thread that sex is like relationship glue.

That is a common misconception. Sex cannot and should not hold a relationship together. Open and honest communication are what hold a relationship together. There are going to be times when you can't have sex, however, there should not be a time when you can't discuss things with your partner (and that includes concerns about sex).

Love can be shown in many ways and sometimes the smallest and least expected are the ones that mean the most.

[DexterM]

I try to spoil him as much as possible. I love cooking for him (possibly a bad thing in the long run, since weight is an issue). I'm trying to get us out of the house more often.
I know we don't talk as much as we should. Communication is a big problem. I try to talk but he always responds with "I don't know" and it drives me crazy. Slowly things are getting better.
We are going to go for a walk tonight as soon as band practice is over and maybe we can give the talking a try again.
Thanks again guys!
P.s. I know he's not seeing anyone else. And I know that's a common denile answer but it's true.

[DexterM]

Oh any suggestions on how to get him to open up more..

[Ash123]

I am getting tough in my old age.

This guy is not being respectful. He is young and not going through meopauase. He is controlling you by witholding sex, and forcing you to wonder what's wrong. He is not communicating. He is not happy with his life, and not sure if that is your fault or not... My suggestion is get your own place and date each other... You are too young to be depending on him to be everything. If he gets himself together. Get married and get a place together. What do you do? Do you have a job that he respects? What does he do? What are your schedules? Am I missing something?

[DexterM]

Yea Ash123, I would say you are getting tough with age, lol. But it's a good thing.
I work in hardware store and he understands and respects the difficulties of being in a 'man's store'. He delivers furniture for a very upscale leather showroom. We respect each other very much.
I don't think he is controlling me at all. It's not that he is withholding sex, he just doesn't want it as often as I do, (which I see as a problem, or I wouldn't be here!)
I have thought about moving out, but there is no where I can go, even if I could afford it. Don't get me wrong, that's not the only reason I'm staying here. I've been through too much in my young life to know when I've got a 85% good thing. I'm just trying to work on that last 15%.
We started doing date nights once a week, and so far so good. We take turns paying and picking what we want to do. Tonight we went to grab some slices of pizza and went for a walk in town and ended up getting some frozen yogurt. It was very nice and relaxing. I am not pressuring him for sex anymore. But I am still trying to get him to open up more about his likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Fantasies, turn on's, and the like.

[Ash123]

Yea Ash123, I would say you are getting tough with age, lol. But it's a good thing.
I work in hardware store and he understands and respects the difficulties of being in a 'man's store'. He delivers furniture for a very upscale leather showroom. We respect each other very much.
I don't think he is controlling me at all. It's not that he is withholding sex, he just doesn't want it as often as I do, (which I see as a problem, or i wouldn't be here!)
I have thought about moving out, but there is no where I can go, even if I could afford it. Don't get me wrong, that's not the only reason I'm staying here. I've been through too much in my young life to know when I've got a 85% good thing. I'm just trying to work on that last 15%.
We started doing date nights once a week, and so far so good. We take turns paying and picking what we want to do. Tonight we went to grab some slices of pizza and went for a walk in town and ended up getting some frozen yogurt. It was very nice and relaxing. I am not pressuring him for sex anymore. But I am still trying to get him to open up more about his likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Fantasies, turn on's, and the like.

Ok, well, that sounded a bit more encouraging.

But, I don't think you can go on forever in denial. If he is tired and not able to make his libido match yours, then he needs to come up with ideas. Just having you as a friend is real nice, but that is not a couple, that's buddies. I think sometimes living together gives you a glimpse of the future. If you are OK with it, then proceed. But don't expect it to get too wild in the bedroom. If you intro a toy can he at least work with that and watch or does he want nothing to do with any intimacy? Be realistic.

Best of luck!

A

[simoneaugie]

I think that he is hiding, staring at the video game screen. Playing a game is a nice break for the player, they get to tune out the world, that includes tuning out other people. Can you play together?

My husband goes into this mode when he is stressed or depressed. Dragging him out of it is something I wait to do. A couple of weeks though and I start getting naggy. Well nag is his description. I didn't get married to be hanging out with my girlfriends all the time, or to be a nun, so his gaming has to be balanced by the time we spend together.

If your boyfriend has the energy to be in 3 bands then spend plenty of time staring at the video screen, he has energy to talk to you and to work on his primary relationship... With you. Getting him out of the house is great, but just hanging out with him at home, talking and doing chores together can be a big part of the relationship too.

People rarely change. Can you handle being sexually frustrated for the rest of your life?

[DexterM]

I have pulled the buddy card before. I told him I felt more like a friend than a girlfriend. As for toys, he did get me two vibrators. We use them together or I use them by myself when the need strikes but never when he's home. I wish I had the courage to be using one of the toys when I know he's about to come in. I've thought about it a lot. I think it would be hot if he 'caught' me... lol. I would LOVE to bring handcuffs into the picture too...
As for games, it's getting old. I try to talk to him and I get no where. I was thinking of making a kind of 'schedule.' Maybe him just playing while I'm not at home. I don't care how long he plays as long as I'm not home. And as long as some of the chores get done.
The time management needs some attention. I told him when we first met that I would never come between him and his music. But there as to be a limit. I want some of his time too. I'm not asking for all of it, just a bit. And sleeping next to him every night doesn't count.
Keep the suggestions coming though! It's always nice to have an outside opinion.

[Ash123]

DON'T BE A DOORMAT.
He will not respect you if you do not take action and quietly stick to it.

[DexterM]

Oh I am definitely not a doormat. I get loud every once in awhile when I get tired of just 'nagging' him. He is also very quiet and very used to being babied by his mother, which she takes full blame for. I have no tolerance for it. I'm going to just sit him down tomorrow evening and talk. I'll keep y'all posted.

[jmjoseph]

I have to ask, does he smoke weed? Do any other drug that may affect his performance? Drink heavily?

Sexual drive does seem to taper off with age in men. But I am 48 and I am ready, willing, and able to have sex with my wife most any time.

Is he bothered by this? Does he worry that you think it's your "fault". No matter what a man says, when a woman is constantly turned down in the bedroom, she ends up wondering if he has fallen out of lust with her.

Yes, spoiling him may work as has been suggested, but he should be spoiling YOU. He needs to make you feel like you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

And in my opinion, sex is more than "15%".

You've even considered moving out because of this.

Good luck, I hope you two find the answer to this most troubling problem.

[talaniman]

If you were having trouble communicating why did you even move in together? Lack of sex is but a symptom of greater problems in other areas of the relationship that needs to be addressed.

Maybe you got together because of the hot lust, but now since it obviously has passed, what's left?? Buddies?? Is there something you have refused him before in bed?

I have thought about moving out, but there is no where I can go, even if I could afford it. Don't get me wrong, that's not the only reason I'm staying here.

Sounds like a big one though.

I am very insecure. He told me once that it seemed like I felt unloved if he didn't show it physically. And that is part true

I suspected as much. His priorities are not the same as yours.

I know we don't talk as much as we should. Communication is a big problem. I try to talk but he always responds with "I don't know" and it drives me crazy. Slowly things are getting better.

This is what stands out though, because I don't think you can be on the same page without communicating, and from what you have written he has many other things he does with his time, while you have only said you go to work and then what? Got anything besides SEX you enjoy? Or do you just cook meals and wait for him to show he loves you??

I don't see this about sex as much as the way you relate to each other.

[DexterM]

Ok JM, we are both clean and sober. Him for almost 3 years. I will have two years clean on June 24. I've been sober since I met him (my choice not his. He never even asked me). If he wonders if I think it's my fault, he doesn't voice it. I have told him that's how I feel and he denies it very strongly. We are both over weight and it is something we are trying to work on, but not very hard. I want to try harder but after working all day, I have no energy. I have considered moving out, but even if I wanted to, I couldn't afford it.
Now talaniman, when we got together we waited a few months before we had sex. I couldn't even kiss him for the first few weeks we were together, I am very shy. We moved in together after only a few months after dating. I was living with my mother and she had decided to move in with her boyfriend (who she is getting married to in August!) Communication is getting better since the last time I posted here. As for refusing him something in bed, he has always wanted to do anal and I would love to do that for him if it made him happy, but it just hurts so bad. Lol. I do have other things I love doing. I have recently tried my hand at gardening and I am getting very good results! I LOVE reading and that's what I do most. On my weekends, I drive over to my sister's and spend the day with her and my nephew's. I do a lot of sewing and embroidery.
Don't get me wrong, he is a very nice man. There are some things he does that let me know he loves me. But I like being complicated on my looks (I have low self esteem). I am very good at doing my make up and I like being told so.
Since my last post, we have talked. Turns out I freaked him out a couple weeks ago by asking him if he ever thought about getting married or having kids. I think he thought I meant in the next year. I have the IUD and have four more years until I have to have it removed. I am not financially or mentally prepared to even think about having a family. I was just curious. But because he didn't tell me then that I had freaked him out, I got frustrated cause I knew something was wrong, but wasn't sure what it was. We talked and now things are better. We had GREAT sex last night. It doesn't always last as long as I would like (last night was maybe a half an hour) which is fine, not something he has too much control over. My mother made me realize that I am a great girlfriend and woman in general. I told him that yesterday and that I needed him to tell me that he appreciates everything I do. I know he does, I just need him to vocalize it. But that's the latest. I'll keep everyone updated. Thank you all for everything. You have definitely helped save my relationship and sanity!

[mawtom]

Most relationships begin with sexual frenzy. And then “living” happens. We go to work, we cook, we clean, we do laundry, we have friends over, we gradually allow a “toot” here and there, we don’t close the door to the bathroom anymore, we begin to watch TV on two separate couches, and we live. And life is NOT all about sex but companionship, liking each other, doing things together and most important laughing until you cry together. If you work on those things, sex is a natural follow up.

[Cat1864]

Thanks for the update.

I am glad that you two are communicating better. It takes practice on both of your parts and he seems willing.

As for anal sex, if you truly want to try it, you might want to do a search of the threads. I know of a couple on making anal more comfortable.

I notice that a lot of the activities you say that you like are mainly geared for one person or toward family. Have you thought of joining a book club or a needlecraft/sewing club? Some community centers and craft stores offer free (or extremely low cost) classes in different crafts. Great places to meet people with similar interests and get out of the house for a while. If you really enjoy needlework and are fairly good at it, you might even think about teaching others. It can help build your self-esteem by passing on a skill.

You should be able to talk to him about the future without him closing down. There needs to be some talk of future plans or you end up going in different directions as you make day-to-day choices that impact your life. Also, I encourage people to talk about what would happen if an 'unplanned' pregnancy does occur. It is the same as planning a fire escape route or extremely bad weather. It may be unlikely to occur, but it can. (Yes, that is experience talking.)

Good luck to the both of you. :)