[sallybower]

I'm a little confused here about my boyfriend's apparent hesitation to get engaged. We've been together 4 1/2 years now... We've been talking about getting married "someday" since over a year ago, and have talked for some time about how we both know that we are "the one" for one another and about our plans to marry and have children in the future. Over 6 months ago, we started specifically talking about getting engaged. I always sensed a little bit of a hesitation from him, and when I questioned him, he would basically shrug it off and tell me that I was misinterpreting him, and that he had "no doubts" about getting engaged. I started to sense that he wanted to surprise me, so I pushed a little, but not too much... wanting to believe that what I was picking up on was him wanting to surprise me. Then in January, he tells me that he wants to be "fully there emotionally" for me, in order to make the commitment involved in getting engaged, and that because we are both young (mid twenties) he wanted to wait a little while longer to get engaged. I'm feeling "completely ready" but I want to respect, and thought I could be patient, so I let it go. Now we are talking again about getting engaged "real soon" and married in about a year. Looking at next summer. But he still hasn't proposed... Am I deceiving myself in thinking that he wants to surprise me and that is why he won't be more specific with me... and is it normal to be together for over 4 years (almost 5) and "know" that we want to marry one another, yet keep hesitating to get actually engaged?? He knows I have no doubts, and I figured he was feeling the same way. But now I'm not so sure... and when I broach the topic with him, he makes me feel like I'm being "silly!" Any thoughts on why a guy would be with someone for nearly 5 years, know they want to marry you, but keep hesitating to get engaged?? Thanks for any thougths on the subject...

[Homegirl 50]

I dated my husband for 4 years but I was 19.
5years is a long time for adults to not make some kind of commitment.
Why don't you just tell him what you are thinking, ask him. If you two can't communicate now, it won't get better.
Maybe he is thinking he should not have to ask you or do the engagement thing, but you'll never know until you just sit him down and have a talk with him.

[Wondergirl]

Do you live together?

[sallybower]

No, we don't live together. And we are planning on doing the "engagment thing." We've talked about it before. I just keep waiting... I live at home with my mom, and he lives on his own... I spend the night at his place a few times a week...

[Wondergirl]

What advantage would he gain if you get married? It sounds like he has a pretty cool life as a single guy.

[asking]

Hmm. Sally has told him what she's thinking and he just says she's being silly. That is, he's sandbagging her. I would find this continued vagueness worrisome too.

You deserve someone who wants to marry you. It's hard to be sure from what you've said, but I don't see any sign that he's planning to surprise you... It sounds like he's just putting off what he sees as the inevitable. Not very romantic. :(

[talaniman]

Any thoughts on why a guy would be with someone for nearly 5 years, know they want to marry you, but keep hesitating to get engaged??

Because he is getting all the advantages of being married without the commitment.

Stop delivering free milk, and see what he does about buying the cow. Words keep you coming back, so that's what you will get from him, because actions don't seem to be necessary.

[sallybower]

Thanks for the feedback! If it helps any in giving feedback. I fell in love with him much quicker than he fell in love with me. He said he had strong feeling for me from early on in the relationship but he wasn't "in love" until about 1 1/2 to 2 years into the relationship...

[Homegirl 50]

5 years is a long time without some kind of commitment. You guys are not teenagers. What's he waiting on.

[jmjoseph]

This is a tough subject. Since I don't know anything other than what you have offered, I'll just speculate that he has cold feet. That, or he's having second thoughts.

I would try to not bring it up for a while. See if HE broaches the subject next time. He'll wonder what's up, you being silent about marriage, but I'd bet it gets him thinking.

Pressure will only make the matter worse. He has to "man up" before he pops the question. Some guys get nervous before they jump into lifelong commitment. Some guys get plain scared.

And it sure doesn't help with you playing house with him half of the time. He has it made right now, half single, half committed.

Try to not think about it for a while.

Good luck with that.

[Homegirl 50]

If it makes you feel any better my husband and I never got engaged. We had the opportunity for a nice trip, thought it a nice place for a honeymoon (Hawaii) and decide to get married right before we went. We had a It all happened in what seemed like a matter of days.