[Barry1981]

Well, I've been with my girlfriend for around 7 years (we're both 28yrs old) and she's just told me she needs 'space'.

In general we've got a great relationship and recently things have been really good between, we bought a house 7 months ago and have spent all our time planning and renovating the house together, its been great. Just 3 weeks ago we were talking about marriage and kids; she said that if I asked her to marry me, she would say yes and we discussed having kids in around 3yrs time.

Now she said she's wants space because she met a guy 2 weeks ago (a friend of a friend) and they spend hours talking in a club and she liked him - nothing happened though. Since then they've been emailing and agreed to meet. She said she wanted to see how she felt because before meeting him she was really happy with us and couldn’t understand herself. Apparently, nothing happened on the date, she had one drink and told him she was happy with me and didn't want anything between them.

Now she wants space because she doesn’t understand how she can like someone else and go behind my back like that. She thinks this means we perhaps shouldn’t be together. She did cheat on me 3yrs ago (kissed a guy on a date behind my back) and we broke up for 7 months, but eventually came back together.

An additional problem is that we're tied into the house we bought and can't afford to sell it even if we split up - nightmare.

What should I do next?

[talaniman]

Make sure she handles her business obligations, and give her the space she asks for. She copes very poorly with her feelings, and seems to have no boundaries, or LOYALTY, and that's something you should pay close attention to.
Sorry your tied to this female with property, and need some good sound legal advice, but don't overlook the jeopardy she puts this relationship in, and the business side to it.

Just me, I would do whatever it takes to cover my own a$$ financially from this flakey person.

[Barry1981]

Thanks for the advice. Its extremely difficult to get the space/break when we live together! I'll be doing my best though.

I've given her an ultimatum to reflect on during the break - she either fully commits and clears her head or I end the relationship. We haven't discussed how long this break/space will last but I'll give it a week and then speak to her.

She's said that she loves me and doesn't want to break up, but can't carry on if she can do this to me. I agree, but whilst we're financially tied I can't just up and leave!

Any further advice on how to handle her would be appreciated...

[talaniman]

Tell her its normal to be attracted to another, but its what you do about it that counts. Feelings can be quite different from actions, and loyalty, and honoring a commitment is not something to throw away, on just having feelings, that can change as quickly as they started. If she leaves the guy alone and not let him be a distraction, then she won't feed the feeling, and it will pass.

We all have those feelings at one time or another, of attractions to others. Its how you cope with them that counts. For sure if she feeds the feelings they get stronger, and getting carried away only leads to bad impulsive behavior.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing if you stay within the boundaries of good behavior, which does mean, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE, and deal with home.

If she can't do that she is a lousy partner for you. That's what I would have laid out to her when she first cheated, years ago. Maybe its not to late to lay it out now.

[Barry1981]

That's exactly what I think and I've told her. Everyone meets people they're attracted to, but its how you manage it.

I met someone I really liked about 3 years when we were together. I can tell you it took a lot of effort to ensure it didn't go anywhere.

Her view is that its not normal to feel anything for anyone else when in a relationship. She seems to have some idealistic view on things and just gets upset. She can be quite emotionally draining at times.

The only reason I've stuck to this relationship is because we have and still do connect very well. We're open with communication and still go on 'dates' and remain passionate after 7 years. To me it's a well rounded relationship, but it takes two...

[Barry1981]

OK, so we had a quick chat late last night when I got home. She said we both need space and time. She doesn't want to make a rash decision about the relationship.

She's going away all weekend and we agreed to avoid contact until next Monday.

What should I do/say on Monday?

I know I should probably end this relationship for my own good long term. In my eyes we've got a great relationship aside from these 'episodes', if it was a crap relationship then it would be easier.

[talaniman]

I would say nothing but "Good morning? How was your trip?" She has to deal with this on her own, and make a decision what she wants to do, so I think its your role to back up and let her process her issue. Just be ready to listen, and not fix things.

The thing is you should have your own plans.

[Barry1981]

Thanks again for the reply, certainly helps me. I've got plans for the weekend ahead to keep busy. I just feels like I'm in limbo and she's got all the power whilst I wait for her decision! It should be me with the power after what she's done. Or am I thinking about this the wrong way?

[talaniman]

Yes your in limbo, and I know the helpless feeling you are experiencing now, VERY well. But exercise some patience, and see what happens Monday when she gets back.

You both SHARE power in the relationship, but you have power over your thoughts, actions, attitude, and the way you cope with difficult situations, and that my friend is a lot of power. Use it wisely.

[Barry1981]

Need some urgent advice here. My mum reckons I should confrot her tomorrow and get her to talk to me about it all. She says it's not fair to keep me waiting until Monday whilst I'm upset.

Is this the right thing to do? Or should I wait till Monday? It's killing me

[talaniman]

I would wait, because I wouldn't be upset. By the way were is she going and has this been planned or a spur of the moment type thing?

[Barry1981]

One of the nights at her friends was planned but she's just made up the rest on the spur of the moment; she's only going to her parents.

She's said that she desperately wants space and that she cannot answer my ultimatum of commit or I end it without time to think. We cuddled this morning before work and she told me how much she loved me, but cannot keep hurting me, which is fair and I want that too.

My grandma died this morning, so I'm going home and won't see her until Mon/Tues now. Maybe it's not a bad thing though

[Barry1981]

Well we've had our break and now its been made permanent. She said that she doesn't feel that she can commit to me forever and doesn't think its right that can like another person whilst she's with me.

She also said from time to time she feels 'tied down', which is strange because she pushed to buy our house and sign a 5yr mortgage. I think she has bigger issues than just us.

In addition, she said she doesn't want to break up with me but can't go on feeling like this. She said she will most likely end up regretting it in the future.

Right now we're sleeping in separate rooms in our house which is awful. I can hear her sobbing into her pillow at night - I don't know what to do!

[talaniman]

Do nothing, for now as you both have been very emotionally involved, and I think you step back, and let the emotional dust settle.

Hard as it is, take some time to think, and let her think, too! Adjustments need to be made and that may take some time.

[Barry1981]

I'm planning on leaving the house for good as soon as possible. Do you think that's sensible or too quick?

We were talking whilst each of us were showering this morning and drove into work together, she held my hand for a moment. I just can't handle being this close to her but not being with her!

Thankfully as of tomorrow morning, I'm away with work until Friday. The thought of moving out and splitting our stuf is terrible. I'll be financially tied to her for at least a year because of the house, then there's the joint accounts etc. I just want a black hole to swallow me up so I can hide away from it all

[talaniman]

See how you feel Friday. Give some thought to unraveling your financial ties to her first though.

[Barry1981]

A little update... we're still living together, although she goes to her parents each weekend to get away. I'm actively looking to move out but its proving hard to find somewhere (genuinely, I'm not hanging around on purpose). I'm keeping busy with friends doing my own thing and feel OK in general - although I think the worst is to come.

Saturday morning I was asleep and she came and got in bed with me, kissed my cheek and neck a few times and cuddled me, telling me that I am 'perfect'. She tells me I look nice when I leave the house too. I know I should have pushed her away but I cant!

She still walks round the house with nothing on and showers when I'm in the bathroom too. I can tell when she leaves me to go home she looks so depressed to leave and has such a sad face. Sometimes she looks at me and I can tell she just wants to be near me. She washes my clothes and goes food shopping as well.

On the other hand she seems adamant that we're not together and tries to stop herself coming near me.

I just can't work her out. Is any of this normal after a breakup??? Should I be pushing her away???

After all, she had her space and decided she couldn't commit to me 'forever' (despite telling me she wanted to get married to me just 3 weeks before).

Very confused... could do with some objective advice from you guys

To cap it all off, its my grandmas funeral on Friday and I've been asked to write and read the eulogy - not very easy to think straight with all this going on.

[Jstric9]

Okay! This happens! BUT, how does messing around with someone else clear her head? Ummmmmm... Tread carefully, organize your finances and prepare for a break. Be strong and independent, say little, don't let feeling be used against you. Listen listen listen, this is about her. Marriage is a big step, maybe she needs an out or to confirm her commitment. Either way better To find now than when married. In my opinion, it sounds like she is not ready or committed. Otherwise she would not take this chance with the one she is marrying. Time for space indeed, both of you. If you both cannot stand to be apart, then fine, otherwise hold off. Space on her own sounds fine, but with another in the mix? I don't play seconds, but that's me. Good luck.


Sorry missed. Your update. Your phreaking roomies. Move on! Don't let her use/manipulate you. Sounds like she is with someone else or is feeling someone else out, or saving herself for them, while maintaining the peace. Ya don't need to know the answer, actually. Just move on either as her roommate and those consequences or on your own. Either way it sounds like it's over. I would tell her it's over and I'm moving on. Don't be played for her sake or your emotions. She may just be trying not to hurt you, but it obviously is. Don't play seconds.

[Barry1981]

I don't know what to do her, I'm falling into the 'false hope' category!

She was home when I go in after work yesterday and she looked awful. She started crying, heavily and telling me that she didn't want to let me go, but she has to because she can't commit to wedding and children - I NEVER asked her for any of that, I don't want that yet (I'm only 28yrs old).

She also said that she wants to forget meeting that guy and go back to us, but she just can't push it away. She keeps telling me this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do and that she doesn't know what she's doing.

This is screwing with my head in a big way. I don't know how to be with her?

We have to stay cordial because we're financially tied with the house etc and work in the same company (different departments). She is supposed to have booked in some house valuations but hasn't done a thing yet!

Its almost like nothing has changed in some ways, except sleeping in different rooms, we still drive to work together each day! We tell each other where we are going to be and who we're out with when we aren't apart too. I feel like she is stalling...

Should I actually be telling her to *&%# off after what she's done?


Anyone got any thoughts on my situation outlined in my previous post?

[Homegirl 50]

OK, I'm coming from a different perspective.
I don't doubt she loves you, she has spent 7 years with you. That is a long time. Why you two bought a house together before marriage is beyond me but I think she is wanting more, maybe she saw no future with you ( you said you were only 28 and not interested in marriage)

You two may have just become too comfortable and a bit complacent with the relationship, you obviously were not ready to take the next step. She meets someone who really peaks her interest so she begins to question the relationship. 7 years is a long time for adults to date and no wedding date. Unless you are totally against marriage, to date someone for that long and not go there, I would begin to wonder if I'm where I should or even want to be.

I think you two need to separate as soon as possible. It will be better and easier for both of you.