[LJDK]

Hi.
I would like to hear some opinions on the following matter.
I have read about this in books, but never fully understood it until it happened to me.

In the beginning of a relationship everything is awesome. Hormones and in love blindness makes us well... blind to the other persons faults. They are the best person in the world.

Then once you get engaged everything is still pretty amazing. No faults and your partner is the best person on earth. But then the reality check comes in. And your faced with the reality of spending the rest of your life with the same person.

So this is the phase where me and my fiancé use to fight a lot. I mean really fight a lot. About the smallest things. Almost like we were both trying to rid ourselves of each other.

After a few horrible weeks, maybe 2 - 4 months the dust settles and the reality sinks in that yes, I do want to marry my partner. And now everything is awesome and we know how to deal with conflict.

Well that's my story in anycase. My fiancé felt the same. It's the reality that awaken to. To realize this will be your partner in life. And then its only human nature to look for faults until you can relax and say... yes, I love this person.

Anyone else with such an experience? Do all engaged couples go through this phase?

[talaniman]

Your getting to a point where love the feeling, turns into love the actions, and I think you learn as you go, what you want to do about the difference. I think we all go through that process, and some handle it differently than others.

Yeah, reality is a helluva teacher, some learn, others don't. I think the key is to enjoy the process, on your journey through life, relish the good, and cope with the bad.

[LJDK]

Trick is coping with the bad. When the initial reality check started setting in, I was unsure about the relationship. But I held strong... and now I'm confident about it.

Still, it's a pity that love the feeling goes away.

[talaniman]

No it doesn't, it just changes and becomes more defined. It's the feelings, and emotions you get use to when a relationship starts, that also change, and I think they get deeper, in a more spiritual sense, rather than the physical. It's a natural progression of our maturity, and growth as a person.

[LJDK]

But why is that people tend to think they no longer feel the feelings, and then mess up only to realize oh it was still there and stronger than ever?

[talaniman]

I think its more the intensity of the feelings that have changed. Reality can be distracting also you know.

Hard to feel butterflies in your stomach when you are busy with other things, more pressing and important at the moment. I mean, how romantic is a backed up toilet? Does that bring out warm fuzzy feelings??

[Jake2008]

Being angry and having arguments is not a bad thing. Anger is a legitimate emotion, and you should expect that any healthy relationship will have arguments.

I wonder more about people who say their relationship is perfect. They never argue, they get along all the time, and life is blissful.

I say uh... yeah, right.

The key is to fight fair. And what fighting fair means is knowing when to back off, cool off, and sit with a clear head, to solve a problem. It means keeping on topic, speaking in a non-derrogitory way, and really listening. Communicating your point of view, and listening to your partner's point of view, is the only way to solve a conflict.

The next time somebody is getting ugly about the other person squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle, allow for venting. Back off, cool off, let the air clear. Then, go and make her a cup of coffee, and arrange your day so that the two of you can be together, just to talk. Try not to start or finish a day with resentment.

Talk talk talk, and keep talking. It matters not who wins an argument, it only matters that what has really caused it, is resolveable, even if you have to agree to disagree.