[forgottenmomof3]

My husband and I were married in Feb. We've been together for 3 1/2 years, have a child each of our own, and one together. When our daughter was born, we opted for me to stay home with the children. After a few months, though, I had to go back to work (part time) to help with the bills. He was offered a new job beginning of April, and accepted - this left me back at home with the kids (we had been working on each other's days off).

Since returning to the status of a stay-at-home mom, things have taken a turn for the worst in our relationship. I have always been a bit frustrated with his laziness (nothing is ever a "priority" to him, other than his job), but it has escalated in the past 3 weeks. His ONLY two chores are to mow the lawn (I am allergic to grass and can't), and to take the trash to the curb every week. Yet, since starting this other job, he has neglected to take the trash out (every week since starting), and has mowed only once. He doesn't do dishes, clean, laundry, or even help with the children when he is home.

Our agreement was that I would take care of the majority of the housework while he goes to work. But his complete and utter lack of any sense of responsibility towards us and the house is pushing me into severe depression. I feel unappreciated, disrespected, and nothing more than a servant. When I try to talk about this, I get "you don't understand the stress of supporting everyone.... none of the other things are a priority".

I can not live like this... I am so unhappy, and to make matters worse, the kids have picked up trashing the house, as he does - along with ignoring everything I say.

I have no family to turn to, and no money saved (he takes the money out of savings every time I put some in). This is such a lonely existence, and I can't bear to think that my children are going to grow up with a complete lack of respect for me because of his behavior.

I would appreciate any kind of advise that anyone could give. I live in northern Indiana. Are they resources to help us leave, or to help us get counseling? I have googled everything I can think of, and can't find anything. Please...

[adam_89]

Hello. I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. Have you tried getting a few breaks or getting out of the house for a few days? Maybe getting a babysitter and try having some time alone? It might help so that way you don't end your marriage while it is in a rut that might be able to be filled in. I can see how you feel and I can see how he feels. It isn't fair what he is doing but in his head he thinks that he is doing right by supporting the family and paying the bills why you do everything else because he thinks that is your part. I am kind of the same way. I go to work and pay all the bills and take off the trash and mow the lawn while she does the house work. Sometimes I forget about helping her out with some of the other responsibilities until she asks me to do something and then I realize how much I slacked off and didn't do anything but what I thought I had to do. So maybe you can try talking to him and ask him if he can help out more also. I hope this helps.

[Jake2008]

It is because you are a stay at home mother, that he should be making a bigger effort to communicate with you.

He likely feels that you having three children underfoot, and managing a household, is a piece of cake. Because he brings home the bacon, this allows you the 'luxury' of not having equal stress or responsibility, nowhere near what a 'real' job does.

I realize that it is more a sacrifice than anything else to give up a job, friends, socializing, and being in touch with the world day after day. That you are home, you are on call 24/7, and I don't blame you for being resentful that there is no understanding of what you do, and how difficult it is, physically, and emotionally to sacrifice so much of yourself for the sake of your family.

The only thing missing is a paycheque, and I think that if you had that job too, he might show more respect.

But, is this impasse worth giving up on your marriage?

He doesn't understand or appreciate what you do, and you don't understand where he's coming from, and he could quite honestly be just ignorant of what is involved.

Please try marriage counselling before you make any drastic changes to your life. See if he won't attempt to go with you and work out some of the misconceptions and expectations he has, and see if you can't understand why he thinks the way he does. You will only know if he's willing to change if he has a few lightbulb moments. And that could very well happen with some counselling.

If there is still love there, keep putting your family first, including him. Give him the benefit of the doubt that once he understands why you are so frustrated to the point of leaving, that he will try harder and be more of a husband, and less of a role he is playing as the correct and only one.

[Wondergirl]

Is there a public library in town? Call them (the reference desk) and ask about couples or family counseling services in the area. If you don't get any information that's useful, please let me know.

[talaniman]

Instead of putting money in the savings account, pay a kid to mow the lawn, and take out the trash. Most guys who work leave the running of the house to the wife. When he has no money to take from the savings, then you tell him where it goes, and then he can decide for himself what he should be doing.

Don't be depressed, be proactive. Are these the ONLY problems you have in your marriage?

[justcurious55]

Why don't the kids do chores? My family usually had a gardener for out lawn. But we were still responsible for the laundry, dishes, animals, and a lot of the cleaning. Of course how much the children are responsible depends on age. But if you make it into a game, even little kids can help out around the house. When my little brother was about 3 he thought washing dishes was just the greatest thing ever (I think it must have been the soap bubbles). We had to make sure we did the knives first and teach him to be careful with the glass but he loved it. And his twin sister liked folding laundry. You may get some stuff that's folded kind of funny when you let a three year old help, but it teaches them. My little nephew is really good about helping pick up his toys whenever I go see him. It takes some encouragement, but if I make it into a race he can get all of his toys picked up in minutes, even when he's taken everything out. And my little cousin likes to cook. He's only 4, so of course for safety constant supervision is required. But he loves making scrabbled eggs, pancakes, and cookies. I can't wait until he's old enough to bbq :)