[katkat122]

When I was 10 or 11, my brother molested me... and possibly did more. It's a very long story, but there's one part that I don't remember anything from. That's why I don't know if he just molested me or what. Anyway, I have recently been getting almost obsessively searching for every single detail of what happened. I can't stop wondering about what happened, and how it will affect me. There was a presentation at school about sexual abuse and they said that certain people will put the perpetrator through intense questioning to figure out what happened. I want him to be questioned, but I don't know if I want him in jail. We're like... best friends right now, but a counselor says that that's because I haven't accepted what happened. He had a counselor question him before, but he kept insisting that he repressed it (since my mom had abused him as a result of what happened), even when I was asking him. Also, I'm afraid that if I do file lawsuit, I'll lose my mom because she was abusive towards him, even though she isn't anymore. What do I do?

[ScottGem]

The problem here is what are you going to sue over? What he did was a criminal act, not a civil one. So there is really very little you can sue over.

[cdad]

What exactly happen to the best of your recolection as far as a timeline. Not details. Do you believe your brother was molested before things started with you? Or after? Have you tried joint therapy? What type of terms are you on now with your brother? What are you looking for from him? If you file a suit then your looking at putting a price on the events. If your looking for an apology then that isn't what courts are for. Most importantly has ALL the abuse completely stopped on all levels?

[Alty]

How old are you now?

I really can't see this going to court and like Scott said, this is not a civil suit, it would be criminal and I can't see your brother being prosecuted when there's no evidence to substantiate your claims, in fact you yourself don't know if anything happened.

Also, there's usually a statue of limitations. It differs from State to State.

Continue counseling, that's a good step to take and I'd also encourage your brother to do the same.

Good luck.

[katkat122]

All right. I meant to have him questioned and maybe put him in jail or something. I don't know if any abuse has continued, but it has stopped with me as far as I know. We've both had counseling, but he hasn't said anything about what happened and acted as if nothing did. My counselor wasn't sure what was going on about that because if someone is a molester, they always have the urge to continue... Which might be why he's gotten a couple girlfriends pregnant.
We had a couple sessions of joint therapy right after it happened, but it stopped though I'm not sure why.
I also haven't been in counseling for a while now. For whatever reason, my dad isn't motivated enough to find one after the last one switched companies.
I don't think he's being counseled anymore either. I think he was taken out after they realized that he wasn't saying anything.
Right now I'm 16, so I haven't exactly given ample time for memories to resurface, but I desperately want to know, in case I haven't made that clear. In my state, you can wait 30 something years before you lose the time to bring it up in court.
Right now, we are pretty close, which I thought I mentioned, but I guess not. Also, he's one year older than me, in case that matters. It's also kind of strange. He did a whole 180 and is now over protective of me and all our other girl cousins.
From what I remember, a lot happened. He tried to bribe me into having sex with one of his friends. He took one of my mom's "adult toys". Drew disturbing pictures of my mom being tortured. And I also vaguely remember parts of him molesting me.
I'm not looking for an apology, mostly answers and I want people to take this kind of thing seriously. The people that I hang out with find it funny to joke about rape and molestation, which is ridiculously infuriating.
He wasn't molested before hand, I know. He tells me that my mom was abusing him beforehand, but I'm not sure if I believe him or not.

[katkat122]

I also remember that he had molested my little brother around the same time. Luckily, he was smart enough to walk away, whereas I didn't have the courage to.
I also want my brother to know how much what he did messed up my life because I used to be so different from what I am now.
Sorry that I took up two posts. I'm not the best at getting together what I want to say all at once.

[Alty]

I don't know if any abuse has continued, but it has stopped with me as far as I know.

What do you mean it's stopped with you as far as you know? Are you saying that it could still be happening and for some reason you're not remembering it or acknowledging it?

My counselor wasn't sure what was going on about that because if someone is a molester, they always have the urge to continue

That's not necessarily true. Some people that molest others when they're younger grow up to realize it's wrong and they stop.

I haven't exactly given ample time for memories to resurface, but I desperately want to know, in case I haven't made that clear

The only person that can tell you is your brother seeing as you don't remember. If he won't talk to a counselor (who cannot tell anyone what he says under law) then I doubt he'll confess in a courtroom.

I'm not looking for an apology, mostly answers and I want people to take this kind of thing seriously

I do take this seriously, I too was molested as a child and raped as a teen. Neither one of the people that sexually molested me did one minute in prison because they were never charged. I kept it to myself. Too late for me now and no evidence other then what I know happened.

He wasn't molested before hand, I know. He tells me that my mom was abusing him beforehand, but I'm not sure if I believe him or not.

If you know he wasn't molested before hand then of course you don't believe him when he tells you he was.

Some of your post doesn't make any sense.

What do your parents have to say about all of this? You said there's no more abuse in the home, do they stand beside you figuring out what happened? Do they know what happened? Does anyone know other then your brother?

[cdad]

Im going to say this but keep in mind Im NOT a mental health expert. But lets just say for arguments sake that he was being molested before things happened with you. Then its possible he transffered it to you since it was happening to him. Then after its "over" he repressed the entire episode. Also since you both were well below age of consent it may not be a prosecutable offense. Your in a tough spot. And it looks like therapy is in your future to get to the bottom of all of this. Are there teen services that are offered through your school?

[katkat122]

Yeah, it could be happening because it's being repressed, or this could be me being a pessimist, which I often am. My counselor told me that that's usually what happens with molesters. I don't know.
And according to the presentation, the persons who would do the questioning wouldn't have him in a courtroom during the questioning (this is how I understood it atleast), they'd be questioning him trying to get him to slip up or something.
I know you'd take this seriously because you had something similar happen and a lot of the people here would take it seriously, too, because they seem like mature enough people, but my whole school has its mind set on how funny rape and molestation are. For them, making fun of it is the norm.
He told me that he was abused. Not sexually. All right? And I try to believe him because it's hard not to be believed, but it's hard to because he was abused by my mom and I was never around to see it. He said that she only did it when I wasn't around, but I was always around since I didn't have many friends to begin with. I saw her abusing him after the molesting happened, and I saw my dad abusing him beforehand, and even for a little while after, but I never saw my mom abusing him before everything. He didn't even mention my dad abusing him, only my mom.
I know some of my post doesn't make sense. I haven't been able to sleep well recently, for one. For two, it's kind of hard to make sense of something without going into uncomfortable details... which I just did.
My mom and dad don't know that I've been thinking about this, but I've been wanting to talk to my mom about it. My brother went off to live with his real mom shortly after (seeing as how my mom wasn't his mom, but his dad was my dad, so he lived with us because his mom couldn't care for him at the time). There isn't really any abuse that I know of right now. We don't really ever talk about what happened and if I try to talk about it to my mom, she tries to finish the topic quickly, and I haven't tried talking to my dad really because we aren't really close, so I don't know if they are standing beside me to figure out what happened.
One of my cousins knows because I told her since we are really close, and a few people know vague details, along with my boyfriend.

[Wondergirl]

I'm with califdad. How old are you now (middle school? High school?), and how old is your brother? Do you want peace or money?

Who was abused and how -- emotionally, verbally, sexually, physically?

[katkat122]

Im going to say this but keep in mind Im NOT a mental health expert. But lets just say for arguments sake that he was being molested before things happened with you. Then its possible he transffered it to you since it was happening to him. Then after its "over" he repressed the entire episode. Also since you both were well below age of consent it may not be a prosecutable offense. Your in a tough spot. And it looks like therapy is in your future to get to the bottom of all of this. Are there teen services that are offered through your school?

He did say that he repressed the whole thing because of my mom's abuse. I know he'd repress my mom's abusing him, but would he honestly repress molesting me, too? I don't know.
As for my school having teen services? Not for molestation, no. There's school counselors, but I have a hard time talking to mine because for whatever reason, I have a hard time trusting her. I don't think there's really any special things they do for abused children in our school. Homeless, yes. Gay, yes. Poor, yes. Foreigners, of course. Abused, no. I wish there was, though. They have all these signs against saying things "are gay", and teachers trying to stop people from saying that, but I've had teachers joke about rape, and the principal did nothing. Apparently it's not offensive enough or something...

[katkat122]

I'm with califdad. How old are you now (middle school? high school?), and how old is your brother? Do you want peace or money?

Who was abused and how -- emotionally, verbally, sexually, physically?

I'm 16. High school. He's 17. This happened when I was 10-11 and he was a year older. I want peace, not money. I didn't realize file lawsuit meant suing. I was abused sexually by my brother. He was abused by my mom and dad physically, and by my dad, emotionally and verbally (who is still pretty cruel verbally and emotionally, though I'm not sure if it's to the point of abusive). Is that all?

[cdad]

Just keep in the back of your mind that your not alone. And here on AMHD there are many boards besides this one and someone most likely will be here. As a community we can help you get through this because as you can see opinions vary and you get a consensus. I applaud you for reaching out.

[katkat122]

Just keep in the back of your mind that your not alone. And here on AMHD there are many boards besides this one and someone most likely will be here. As a community we can help you get through this because as you can see opinions vary and you get a consensus. I applaud you for reaching out.

Thank you califdad :)

[Wondergirl]

Is that all?

Yes, thanks. That makes things very clear. Thank you for answering. And I'm still with califdad. Stick with us here and we will do the best for you that we can.

[Jake2008]

You have still to get to the truth, and that won't be done until you take steps for your own well-being.

I urge you to seek counselling again. I can't say I blame you for not wanting to speak to a school counsellor for the reasons you've said, but seek an outside source.

You could start with your family doctor, and explain that you are looking for answers to abuse that you suffered as a child. You have repressed and confusing memories, and you need a referral to someone with the expertise to guide you through the process of allowing yourself to find the truth that you need.

You could also visit a local women's shelter, and ask to speak to a counsellor, and say the same thing, and ask for their help in giving you information on counsellors specialized in this area.

Be prepared for what you might uncover, and as hard as it will be to live through your history with your brother, stick to it. It will take time.

As to your brother's relationship with his three cousins, and his relationship (implied) with his mother, and the abuse by both parents, those are issues that will likely come up, but may not be directly associated with the process of you finding out what happened to you.

It is imperative that you seek outside help to help you not only cope with the memories you do have, but to delve into the history and put the pieces together as best you can.

Any reputable source for referral, your doctor for example, will know where to send you for help. Getting that help, will be the first step in sorting it all out.