[grets1333]

My stepdaughter was on drugs when she gave birth 3 years ago, so Florida took her child away. Her mother and I were asked to take her, but we live in a 55 plus community, so we felt we couldn't. They asked the Mother's sister who said yes. Now my partner is the grandmother, and we have been a big presence in her life. We have her every Tuesday night and every Sunday so her "Mommy" can go work bingo, for play money. She has another part time job where she makes money for bills, but this is money she makes so she can go and play bingo herself. We also take the baby every other Saturday, and sometimes, every Saturday.
Here is the problem. The "Mommy" can never stay home and spend time with her. She is always going out to play bingo. She goes at least twice a week, and every Friday or Saturday if not both. That means the baby really spends limited time with her. She is in a daycare during the day a couple of days a week, and then with us several evenings and a good part of the week. Besides this, she and her husband smoke in the house, even though the baby seems to have a sinus problem or allergies. She won't smoke when her daughter comes over but will around our granddaughter! Next year the baby will start pre-school, and I don't think this whole situation is going to get better. She is up to all hours of the night, because her Mommy is on the computer, so how will she be able to get up and do well in school? Her grandmother and I want to petition the court for custody.
My fear, is that here in prejudiced Florida, the judge won't allow us to have custody because we're gay, even though its my partners granddaughter, or they will take her from her Mommy and us and put her in foster care. I couldn't live with that. Any suggestions or advice?
Grets

[grets1333]

I just found out that the "mommy"was putting the baby in the front seat of her truck, in just the seat belt! I told her that was illegal, and she said it was OK because there was no airbag. I told her it was still illegal, the child had to be in the back in a car seat. Also, her son, who is mentally challenged, almost set the house on fire the other day, taking burnt material out of the microwave, and putting in the garbage can, where it smoldered for some time, turning the whole house into a smoke filled disaster! The mommy poured water in the garbage can and then set it outside. And this is who she thinks its OK to leave my grand daughter with! Can't someone answer my question?

Grets

[talaniman]

If I read right, your other stepdaughter has custody, and by mommy you mean her, or the natural mother?

[ScottGem]

You need to consult a Family Law attorney. A local attorney can better tell you the judicial climate and what your chances of getting custody are.

I understand you are caught in a bind here. If you report the "mommy" (your step daughter's sister, if I read it correctly), to Family services, you may lose the child altogether.

[grets1333]

Talaniman & ScottGem, the Mommy I refer to is my partner's sister. The baby's Aunt. She was next on the list after my partner, who is the baby's grandmother. We live in a 55+ community and was afraid to hold up the process, for even a minute, when the baby was born. At one point, when my partner went to court with the "mommy" a comment was made, and the mommy said that it wasn't any of my partner's concern. The caseworker involved, said that oh yeah it is. She has more of a say then you do. She is the maternal grandmother. The baby calls her Aunt, mommy even though she had promised she wouldn't have the baby do that. Now the baby can't understand why her brother, is really her cousin, and her sister is not her real sister. I mentioned the fire and the seatbelt issues. I know the mommy loves the baby, but I think it has become too much for her. When we pick up the baby and she has a sippy cup. She'll say, it tastes bad. When you open up the cup, the thing is so dirty it makes you want to throw up! I'm not exaggerating here. She is so busy going to bingo 3 and 4 nights a week, and working part time, she doesn't really spend time with the baby at all. I know she loves the baby and the baby loves her... but what happens in a year or so, when she has to go to school? She can't be kept up to 11 or 12 at night and then expected to get up and go to school the next morning. Only when she stays with us, does she live a normal life. Bed between 8 and 9, breakfast as a family. Lots of hugs and kisses. Bedtime stories. Clean clothes, the whole 9 yards.
I hope you can give me some guidance here.

[talaniman]

Somebody better talk to her before she gets reported, and if things are that bead, is it fair to enable her to be irresponsible by even babysitting for her so much?

Somebody needs to tell her to straighten up her act, or..!

[Fr_Chuck]

So you all have moved from the 55 plus community now ?

I so want to address the issue of you having the chance to help and be there for the baby, but did not want the bother at the time.

1. smoking will not be a court issue, it is legal to do and unless there is medical evidence from the doctor that it is a serious issue for the baby, it will never be introduced to the court.

What the baby may or may not do "next year" is not evidence either, it is opinion and hearsay.

Your only evidence is she goes out a lot but always supplies a good sitter for the child.

Have you merely asked the person if they would give you custody ?

[grets1333]

Yes Father, we have asked her on numerous occasions to change priorities. She left the baby with her mentally challenged son while they went shopping at 1:00am on black Friday after Easter. The fact that medication was prescribed for a skin condition on the baby's leg and she never used it? Would that qualify as neglect? I put cortisone cream on it so the baby would stop scratching. The fact that she keeps the baby up till 12 or 1 in the morning while she plays on the computer, and then they sleep in till noon the next day. That does have an impact on her. She is so off schedule that its hard to plan anything when she is not getting proper rest. As far as the smoking around the baby goes, she won't smoke when her own daughter comes with her grandchild, and yet smokes continuously when she's alone with my grandchild. The child was a preemie who was drug addicted at birth. We still don't know if there will be problems in the future. She has been told that the child shouldn't be around cigarette smoking.
My "only" evidence, is not that she always provides a good sitter. She left the baby with godparents that she hadn't seen for a year, and left her screaming while she drove off! She left her with her niece, again the baby wouldn't stop crying so we had to go pick her up! Yes the babysitter is a wonderful woman... but to constantly put her in her care, why bother to have custody? The babysitter and my partner and I have the baby more than her. If she stays home with the baby 2 nights a week that's allot. Don't tell me you think that is acceptable? We have asked her if the baby is becoming too much for her? And she says no. We have asked her to call us first to keep the baby if she has to go out. Allot of times, she will not call us, because she doesn't want us to know she is going out. And yet as the grandparents, we should have the right.

[talaniman]

Being a grand parent myself, no one has a right to tell another human being how to live. Especially their grown children. (we can talk, and suggest, but can't command).

Sure we may not agree, or condone, what our kids do, but we have no rights to dictate, unless we are willing to do what ever it takes to CHANGE the way things are going.

You have your life, and your not going to give it up, so maybe its time to leave hers alone. She can sink, or swim as she has too, as we all have done.

While I understand your concerns, and feel for them, if your not willing, or able to step up, then I don't think you can do anything besides your partner talking to her daughter about it, and hoping she listens. It seems your partner needs your support, and a listening ear, as this has to be traumatic for you both, but it is her daughter.

You are right, turning her into child services, and not be willing to take custody, and responsibility, will surely be painfully, but is that right for the children involved? I don't think its entirely true, that such actions mean you will be entirely removed from their lives either, but that is something to look into thoroughly, before you go that route.

My position with my own children is to be helpful when needed, and just keep talking until it sinks in, and pray it does, but their life is their own, and they can be blessed, or suffer the consequences of what they do.

Where are the fathers of these kids in all this, and where is the other side of the family, other grands?

[grets1333]

I think I have made a few "confusing" statements, that I would really like to clarify. Maybe this will help with the responses I am getting.
The so called "mommy" is the child's Aunt. My partner's sister. Not the baby's mama sister. She is mid 50's.
2nd, yes, my partner and I want desperately to have custody of her. We are only sorry we didn't do so in the beginning.. so I am not complaining or trying to take the child away, and not being able to take her myself. Although far from perfect, I would put myself up against the current caretaker, any day... any time. Children need love, attention, stimulation, and not confusion.
We are still in the 55+ community, but they have opened the gates between our community and the one next to ours, which was not a 55+ community. We have kids all over the place now. I would give my house away if I had to, but I would be willing to fight the owners in court, over what constitutes a 55+ community, and how ours obviously wouldn't fit into that category.
We do offer to take custody, and try to make it easy for her. She denies it is too much, but then again, if she spends 2 nights a week with the child, that's allot. So a custodial parent who does not spend more than 2 mights a week, and only a couple of days with a 3 year old, I would think would be a neglectfull parent. She is constantly being woke up at 11 or 12 to be taken home. Her home looks like a tornado went through it. She is left in the care of a mentally challenged young man, who cannot use a phone... but instead calls and freezes. What would he do in an emergency? On visits, I have taken butcher knives out of this child's hands, and then almost flipped out on the so called mommy, for leaving a knife out. Medication is out, lots of things that can harm a child. She says she understands but doesn't change. As bad as the smoking is, even though its not against the law, when you also leave lighters and matches around, there is a law against that. I think its called neglect.
What else can I say? I think she likes the "idea" of being a mommy at her age. But to actually do any work, or physically take care of the child is not happening. When her own daughter had a baby, my grand child kind of got pushed to the side. Anything her daughter wants she gets, even if it means, disregarding my grand daughter... such as the filthy cups to drink out of. Getting an attorney is what is holding me back. I cannot afford to pay someone. Nor would I know who to go to here in central Florida. Other things, such as neglecting to take her for follow up visits to the doctor, or providing the medication she has, are also a problem. Look, I hate to go on and on... put some of you think I am talking about a young girl who took her sister's child in... and as I have stated above, far from being right.
Any advice?

Thanks so much.

[ScottGem]

I think I have made a few "confusing" statements, that I would really like to clarify. Maybe this will help with the responses I am getting.

I think your clarification was not necessary. I believe that's the situation that was understood. So the advice doesn't change. You will have to prove unfitness on the part of the legal mother to make a change in custody. And I don't see a lot to justify that.

So your best bet is to consult an attorney to see what your chances are.

[talaniman]

Why haven't you talked to a lawyer about custody, so he can clear up your issues, and maybe give you a path to helping these kids because the way you describe it, foster care WOULD be better.

[grets1333]

I think your clarification was not necessary. I believe that's the situation that was understood. so the advice doesn't change. You will have to prove unfitness on the part of the legal mother to make a change in custody. And I don't see a lot to justify that.

So your best bet is to consult an attorney to see what your chances are.

I plan to go to an attorney now... but I did feel that I should clarify, that we were talking about a 50+ woman and not a young girl who had custody. I wanted the people responding to understand what I was saying insofar, as, her leaving the child any time just to go out. You might not think that the current custodian is unfit, but there are others who disagree with you.
But thanks for the response anyway.

[grets1333]

Why haven't you talked to a lawyer about custody, so he can clear up your issues, and maybe give you a path to helping these kids because the way you describe it, foster care WOULD be better.

I do plan to go to an attorney now. We actually did delay because we know there is love there. But not all the other things that make a good parent. I won't agree with the idea that foster care is better... I think I would be better... and don't know why you wouldn't also think that? I was in and out of foster homes until I was 17, so that would be the last thing I would want for this child.
Thanks anyway.

[ScottGem]

You might not think that the current custodian is unfit, but their are others who disagree with you.

I'm sure there are people who will disagree. But are those people looking at it from a LEGAL standpoint? If you ask me whether I felt the custodial mother was doing a good job and was a fit parent, I would say no. If you asked me whether a court would change custody based on what you told us so far, I would also have to say no. The latter is based on the law and if you want to change custody you will have to deal with what the law says, not what people feel.