[LostWithoutHer]

Okay this is how it is. I am 19, she is 17. We met when I was 16, she was 14, through school. We liked each other straight away, she had just got out of a six month relationship that meant nothing (hence the age) so I helped her, I helped her a lot to get through the sadness she was going through.. A couple of months later I had the courage to ask her to be mine, as we both wanted it.

Whilst we were together it was the best time of our lives, we fell in love after about 8-10 months of being together and I knew she was the one for me. I have a big secret about my body and she's the only person in the world that knows about it and it doesn't mind her one bit, it took me a few weeks to get the courage to show her as I was so scared she would leave me because of it, but I eventually showed her and she loved me even more for it. I lost my virginity to her, she was my first sexual partner I had never done anything sexual related with anyone else, I always told myself I'm only going to have sex when I'm ready and when I know it's the right person. Our sex life was great, basically both of our lives were great. From day one of meeting her we would text the second we wake up until the second we go to sleep. We would tell each other everything that happened in our lifes, we had no lies, we had no secrets, It was like living in a dream world.

We've been all over the country together, going away on weekend breaks just the two of us, getting be and b's together, we were so happy together we thought we could rule the world together.. We pretty much ditched our friends whilst we were together for two and a half years and I don't know why or how it happened but we just thought we were invinsible together so we didn't need anyone else. I would go to work, she would go to college, we would both finish and meet up with each other and go to my house or her house every night, every chance we could get in fact just to be together, just to hang out!

I went to Australia in January 2009 for a month, had the best time of my life but before I left it was so hard to say goodbye, we both shares so many tears together. We gave each other a two page love letter each, just to read whilst we weren't together. I sprayed her favourite aftershave f mine onto the letter just so she could smell it and think of me, she did the same for me with her perfume. I read her letter every day I was away. We e-mailed all the time, whenever I could get a chance to find a computer and get on. I even bought an Australian sim card and topped it up 70 dollars whilst I was out there, which was enough for one text a day to her in England. I still have the e-mails from her, they were so 'Romeo and Juliet' like, so passionate, so loved up. When I finally got back she picked me up from the airport, I was so happy to be back with her, finally seeing her beautiful face smiling at me because she was happy to see me.

A few weeks after I got back I started becoming very miserable towards her, I just wanted to be back in sunny Australia. I know I'm such an idiot for being such a miserable sod with her, I didn't realise what I had until I lost her. We had been together around a year and a half around this point, never having an argument, we had always been so perfect. She always kept telling me she promises me we're always going to be together, promising me how much she loves me and needs me, promising me that one day we will get married and have three children. At times I was so lovely to her, but at times I was so... miserable with her, so... controlling I think the word is? I know I'm an idiot for this, I know I had problems for this, but I didn't really like her going on nights out with her friends. I don't know why, because I trusted her with everything, I just didn't like her going out much.. Maybe because I was such a selfish person and lost all of my friends for her therefore I would be left alone on a night whilst she wanted to go out? She had lost her friends too but she was still getting invited out at times, as she is at college full of people.

I always stopped her from going out, I know.. IDIOT I am. She always ended up crying because she wanted to go out so much, which got me very very upset and then decided that she could go out because I felt so bad, but she said 'No I can't I don't want to upset you', making me feel even worse... but this happened every time she had been invited to go out. Whilst all this was happening we were still extremely loved up towards each other, she had a few University interviews around the country so I drove her to one down the other side of the country, we stayed the night and she had the interview in the morning. You know, as lovers do, I would do anything for her. I mean at times I was so so good to her. Around 6 months before we broke up I started getting even more controlling, I started even stop kissing or touching her in public, looking back I would love to know why I was like that? How could I do that to her? How could I be embarrassed to touch her in public because she's the most beautiful, kindest person in the world? Back then I must have not been proud to be with her? I'd give anything to put time back and put things right.

We started arguing and arguing over and over again, about petty stuff, this went on for a few weeks, at times I was even thinking 'what would it be like if I was single?', and at times I thought how good it must be (how wrong I was). During all of this we were still texting each other constantly from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep. We were still deeply in love. One day after her college I picked her up and she told me that this guy had told her he liked her, she was laughing at me and telling me he's got no chance and how ugly he was.. her exact words.. 'haha have you seen him?', she said that when I asked her what she thought of him. Anyway one day after her college, she had had enough of everything, she had had enough of me basically. She had to break up with me, her reasons I THINK were because I was too controlling, because I'm not who I used to be, I could be wrong for them reasons but that's what I think. I can't ask her now what the reasons are as I get so scared to mention anything related to her about us.

It's been 2 and a half months now since she broke up with me, she was my everything. A week after the breakup we were averagely good friends, still texting etc but not in a lovey way, only I was doing the lovey stuff. She agreed for me to take her to the cinema one night, I was so excited and thought I had a chance to get back together with her, I bought her a bunch of roses on arrival, with an envelope which I stuck rose petals on and had a message inside saying.. 'Be mine?' which she opened half way through the film. She said how sweet it was and how romantic and that she'd think about it, I was very happy, a day later it all changed.. She said no and to just leave her alone etc etc. I took her to town a week later so she could buy a dress for her night out which was the day after, she was very grateful I took her out and bought her lunch and so she could buy a dress. That night she promised me she wouldn't hurt me on her night out as she's single now, she promised me she can trust her still, even though we're not together, she promised me she would text me whilst she's on her night out, she promised me she wouldn't get too drunk. She kept saying over and over again how much she promised about everything and I've got nothing to worry about. It was her first night out since we were both single. Well anyway, she stopped texting me just after midnight, the next I heard from her was 10am the next morning, I asked her why she didn't text me, I asked her what the hell happened, I was so angry and I know I shouldn't have been. I was talking to her on Facebook that day, she was so angry at me, she was being so horrible to me, I had to get it out of her what happened that night. Well guess what, that guy who told her he liked her at college? Well she was with him all night, and they both got extremely drunk and were kissing a lot of the night. She told me I got so angry and upset I had to go on her Facebook whilst she was on and see what the hell was going on, I saw what she said to her mates... 'I don't care about him anymore, I had an amazing night, I felt free, and I was kissing a very very very gorgeous guy!'. She wouldn't speak to me for about a week, when she finally did all I got from her was one word answers via Facebook (she got a new number). This guy now constantly talks to her on Facebook and texts her, just like I used to do, he's taken over my position. She has an end of college prom coming up in a few days, he's her prom date which really got me jealous. She told me the other day that they do like each other and that one day soon they are going to get together and it's got nothing to do with me and that it shouldn't even upset me anymore because we haven't been together in ages! It's true love for me and I'm so hurt! I keep seeing them together when I go to work, I see them walking together, having lunch together, reading comments they are saying to each other on Facebook, and I know exactly what she said about him that time he told her he liked her! It just hurts me so much how she's moved on so fast, how she can like someone so easily straight after being so much in love with me? I can't think of anything worse to do. Oh yeah and she went to his private bbq and slept at his house. Not sure if slept together or anything, she won't tell me and it kills me not knowing.

I had to get off work for three weeks on the sick for 'Adjustment Disorder' I was so bad (I'm still bad now). I couldn't go out, the only thing I could do was go to the gym and lose all of my anger on the machines. Once I got home I would be so so lonely, with no one to text. I can't talk to my family about this sort of stuff, all I would do is cry at home and constantly try and ask for my ex back, acting in a desperate way, begging her. I was getting anywhere, therefore making me become even worse. A month on I managed to go out, I went out and got drunk with a couple of old mates, I couldn't stop thinking about her though and wondering what she's doing but I tried so hard just do have a good time being out and single, I got so drunk, had a very good night until the next day I was extremely lonely again. So I started going out once every two or so days, getting drunk. I know alcohol isn't the problem but I've stopped that now. I'm trying to do something decent with my life, I had RAF tests coming up in a couple of weeks, I'm trying to sort myself out.

But please tell me, I want her back so much, I love her even more than I ever have and can't face seeing her the way she's going. She's changing, she's managed to like someone else, does she still love me? She tells me she doesn't love me and that she's sorry but I just have to get on with my life. I can't accept it and never will accept it because I know she's the one for me. I am prepared to wait as much time as possible just to get her back. I can't not be in contact with her, yeah I don't have her number but I'm constantly staying online waiting for her to come on just to ask how she is and what she's been up to (secretly wanting to know about him and her). I miss her so much, everything about her, I miss her looking after me, being so kind and gentle with me, I'm sick of STILL having breakdowns at work, constantly with her on my mind, I just want her back so much.

Please help, what can I do? Don't tell me I can't have her back I honestly really don't want to hear that.

Sorry it was a long message, just want to express my feelings.

Thank you for reading. X

[reckless]

It looks you're you're controlling and jealous. You definitely did change and became too clingy. Making her your entire life was just setting you up for the fall. A relationship should be a pleasant addition to your life, not the dominating factor.

You messed up by being way too romantic after the breakup when you should have gone no contact. You didn't play hard to get. You looked badly affected and you walked away as a sad puppy dog. Nobody wants sad puppy dogs.

Let her do her own thing. Seriously. Block her on Facebook. Delete her from your phone so you won't even be reminded of her. I know she changed her number. That going to the gym thing... do it. Do it all the time.

Your life needs a new focus and it can't be her. Get rid of everything that reminds you of her. It's over but this is a new beginning

[LostWithoutHer]

Thank you for managing to read all that, I want her to know I'm not who I was when we were together though. I mean, she won't even meet me for a drink, nothing. Ahh.

[reckless]

Don't ask to meet with her ever. The way to show her you've changed is to not be clingy. Trying to see her all the time means you're desperate. Same with talking or texting. Don't say "i'm never contacting you again." just never contact her again.

[LostWithoutHer]

Really? What about her prom coming up? I'm going to want to know so much about it and if I go NC then.. what is she does stuff with him and completely forgets about me?

She's so stubborn I know she won't budge.

[Showme_urmove]

Dude don't take this in a wrong way OK. We all have been in your shoes!

You sound so pathetic, So clingy, so desperate. The more you keep doing what your doing, the more you are hurting yourself and the more she wants to run away.

She had MOVED ON with her life, you have to reason or right no know about anything about her, even though you two are separated and no longer together your still controlling and clingy.
Its one thing to want someone that wants you back, but you're the only one in this boat she had moved no another.
Dude start going to NO CONTACT, start accepting the fact that she is no longer yours and that you have no hope.
Your lucky your ex girlfriend said that you should move on with your life and that she no longer love you, that should be your closure, my ex never gave me closure so it was hard for me to move on.

I know you want her back, I mean every person here that got their heart broken at one time wanted their ex back and thought the same way as you.

Don't bother cause your only going to get your heart broken, you deserve to get your life back, and never make anyone the center of your life. Learn from this and hope you can fix your own issues. You said Australia made you happy, why don't you go back and enjoy yourself there.

[LostWithoutHer]

God it's just so hard, but thank you for your comments. :(

[Jake2008]

Problems happen in relationships where one party lets go, and the other cannot accept it. Clinging to false hope, stalking her on Facebook, getting intensely upset when you can only focus on getting her back, begging her, and saying that you will wait as long as it takes, surely doesn't show you are accepting the end of the relationship.

I know you don't want to hear that, but when you ask for help, you can't dictate what you do and do not want to hear or read in a response.

The relationship is over. The problem is you not accepting it.

This has nothing to do with her, she considers herself single, and has a new love in her life, and has made it clear that you are to leave her alone.

I don't know what else she can do to stop you from being so intent on reconcilliation.

You have allowed yourself to live in a dream world. There is no reality from what you have said so far, that indicates she would consider you as a boyfriend. You recognize the reasons, or some of the reasons, such as the controlling behaviour, that caused the demise of the relationship. You cannot take back, or rewrite the past. As sorry as you are, and as willing as you are to change, it is what it is.

And it is- over.

This might be a good time to seek therapy to help you move on with your life after this loss. Try to take that step to understanding and changing your behaviour with a therapist. My opinion is, if you don't leave her alone, and continue to search and question everything she does, this will never end for you.

[Ash123]

You all have a lot of history. You went through your adolescence together.
You have shared a lot. You love her clearly.

BUT:

I know this sounds weird right now, but you are supposed to break up at this age... people need to practice relationships so when they are marriage age they have realistic views on relationships and know what they want from them.

I would create space and look for new girls. Even if you all were perfect - she would need to do this and so would you. So, it will hurt a lot for a while, bit in a few months your head will be better. Don't bother her. If you are supposed to be together fate will help you. Don't force things -at any age. One day at a time (please read my break up guide.)

[Homegirl 50]

You need to leave this young lady alone. Period.

You say you can't understand how she can love you one day and leave you the next, well she can the same way you said you loved her and treated her poorly when you returned from Australia. You said you even wondered what it would be like to be single.
You two were really wrapped up in each other in an unhealthy way and your time away showed you that you could function without seeing her and she learned she could do the same without you. She has moved on and you are maybe afraid to let go of the fairytale.

Give yourself some time, you'll be fine. She is not coming back. Get some counseling to help you deal with your anger and need to control. As you cope with those things you will become more comfortable with her being gone.

[LostWithoutHer]

Thank you all for finding the time to read all of that, means a lot. I just find this so hard, I'm constantly thinking about her, I can't concentrate on anything, work, nothing. It's all fine saying this will take a few more months to get over, but to be honest I really can't see anything changing.. I spend a lot of time at work and at the gym, trying to take my mind off everything.. but the second I get anywhere where I'm alone I think even more, even harder.. and get extremely depressed and upset and think.. 'Why me?'.

I feel like this has never happened to anyone else, but I do know it has, if you know what I mean.. I can't talk to anyone about anything because the people I know, they haven't experienced true love yet so they all just tell me 'She's just a girl, get over it and find someone else'. I don't want anyone else and never will!

Hope you understand.

[Cat1864]

i'm constantly thinking about her, i can't concentrate on anything, work, nothing.

Really? what about her prom coming up? I'm gunna wanna know so much about it and if i go NC then.. what is she does stuff with him and completely forgets about me?

You have to actually make yourself change your thought process when you start thinking about her. You say that you try to take your mind off everything, but at the same time you don't want to fully give up contact with her even if it is 'covertly'. That has to change for anything else to change.

You have to understand that feelings don't go away. When we find ourselves in a bad place, we have to get out of it no matter how much it hurts or how strong the pull to stay is. It is too damaging to stay. We have to allow the emotions both good and bad to fade into memories that get put away like pictures placed in a photo album. They are still there, but they aren't on display causing us to re-examine every detail trying to find all of the positive or negative aspects and keeping the wound open. New memories don't take the place of the old ones. They exist in the same album.

Right now, you have the walls of your mind plastered with the pictures. When you try to take one down, you end up strengthening its fastenings because you haven't fully accepted that they need to be put away in storage.

Think about the ways you attempt to keep tabs on her. Write them down on paper and think of how to stop doing each one. Facebook is easy if you want it to be.

Don't allow yourself to get into a rut of work and gym to try to move on. Try adding other things in like taking a continuing education class, volunteering, getting active in your community, trying a new hobby, etc. Things that keep your mind moving in new directions.

Give yourself time and the tools to heal. It will get better if you allow it to, but you have to allow it.

[Jake2008]

I think that because you are being treated for an adjustment disorder, it may be more difficult for you to adapt to the loss of the relationship.

I'm sure you've been told that you need help to manage the stress and other symptoms that may lead to more serious situations.

Are you, or have you considered therapy to help you, and if so, what advice have you been given to manage your emotions during this time.

[Ash123]

"I don't want anyone else and never will!
Hope you understand."


I do. But time heals a lot of wounds. And you are young. It hurts a lot. But like many things in life, it makes us better people. I know that makes no sense now. But if you read this a year from now you may see what I am saying.

Everyone on here has been hurt bad. They all got through it with time and friends and logging on here. It sucks. But you are very lucky you are young. That means you have time to experience love in different ways to learn about yourself and a partner...

So what is your treatment trying to do? What is the prognosis?

A

[Lucky098]

Being extra clingly and almost stalkerish is only going to drive her further away from you.

You screwed up. You pushed her away. Its time to accept that, learn from it, and next time you're with a girl, don't do it again.

The more you pester her, the more unattractive you look. The age old saying goes.. "If you love someone, let them go. If it was truely ment to be, they'll come back to you." Live by it. But don't surround your life around it. Maybe sometime in the future, you can both be on talking terms.

Why do you want to leave such a perfect relationship on a bad note? You're young, things happen, sometimes you don't want them to happen,but they do. You need to accept, mourne, heal and move on. You need to learn from your mistakes. You need to accept your mistakes and accept HER choice. She apparently didn't want to stick around and wait for you to work things out with yourself.

You're being very selfish right now. Don't you think that your x girlfriend had very hurt feelings with your drastic change? That the man she was desparately in love with is now a controlling, obsessive person who won't even hold her hand in public? You need to take into consideration her feelings also. You hurt her big time. But unlike you, she left the situation instead of being trapped by your mood swings.

This is a big world. There are a lot of people in this big world. You love to travel, I'm sure you'll meet someone who is just as passionate as you are. But next time, try and leave the cling in the dyer.

[LostWithoutHer]

Thank you all for your comments, I've had the first bit of contact from her after going NC for one day, I got a Facebook message from her asking me she wants to see me on Wednesday ONLY to help me with my RAF tests (yes I haven't yet deleted her from facebook).. I think I'm going to attempt to meet her, but then try and tell her as much as possible about my feelings and go into detail, I'm going to tell her I know it's over, but I want to end it on a good note, I want to end it telling you what has happened to me etc etc.

I do understand what you're all saying, I haven't sought any further help about this, I am going to give it a couple more months and if I'm still like this I will seek further help as I can't keep living the way I'm doing. I'm constantly moody, I just can't smile, where ever I go, and I really need to stop taking it out on the gym machines so much! I can't even relax in the bath anymore, I get in, get washed and get straight back out as I'm too desperate to get back online and I'm too 'fidgitty' when I go to sleep, I just can't sleep, I can't stop having dreams about her (bad dreams).. e.g... We're happily walking next to a river and suddenly a big monster comes and eats her. I wake up in so much worry that I need to find a way to contact her but the only contact I have with her is Facebook and she's never online. So I hurt myself even more by worrying constantly.

Why is love such a horrible thing? Please remind me never to fall in love ever again, in fact never to even talk to another woman.

[Ash123]

I would recommend you not see her. You may be surprised at how much better it makes you feel to not feel your happiness depends on her. And I would continue getting therapy.

[talaniman]

Boy, do you have it bad. I can only recommend you listen to the others, and struggle through NC, until you have healed.

While I understand where you're are coming from, we all have to learn to cope with the losses in our lives that happens beyond our control.

It's a very important part of growing up,

[LostWithoutHer]

It's bloody horrible, I just want to shrivel up into a tiny thing and never come back as a human. I just want her to contact me RRRR driving me insane!

[Ash123]

Don't do it.
Trust me.
A woman that wants space will never respect a guy that doesn't give it to her. Do you have athletics, movies, friends, school, family, that you can turn to for now? I hope therapy is helping. It's good to talk things out sometimes.