[Crichton]

Hi all. I’ve been reading the forums for a while now and found a lot of help and wisdom through your experiences and wisdom. I hope you might be able to help me with this.

I find myself in an odd situation and of course, my emotions are pulling me in different directions. I’ll try very quickly to sum up what happened and hopefully someone can help me see this clearer. Sorry for the long post.

Met this girl back in October 08 and we started dating right away. Her cousins, who I had been close friends for the previous 3 years, set us up. I had just gotten out of a relationship where my ex cheated on me and I was still having problems dealing with it 6 months later. The girl I was set up with, I’ll call her Jenny for now, was married at the time, although separated. Of course this was something I had issues with, especially since they still lived together. But her cousins swore up and down they had separated 2 years before and still lived in the same house due to financial reasons. He was in the military and was gone most of the year anyway.

Jenny knew what I had been through with my ex and told me she had nothing to hide. We started dating, slowly at first because my guard was up, and she came right out and give me passwords to her emails, Myspace and FB pages to prove she had nothing to hide. I told her I had issues over my ex and maybe I shouldn’t be dating. She was fine with that, said she understood and pursued me anyway. It was a hard year and I had ups and downs but she stuck it out.

Year and a half later. I’ve long been over my past issues and have been very happy with Jenny since then. She still lived with her husband and another roommate and it was a strain on me. I told her about it and she kept promising she would move out and get the divorce. Still hasn’t happened. I just recently graduated from college and haven’t been able to find work in the last 4 months. So getting a house or apartment was rough on us. During this time I noticed she was getting distant. I asked over and over what was wrong and she would never answer me. My gut feeling was the same thing I felt when my last ex started cheating on me.

2 weeks ago, after an odd couple days. I go on her email, which she had always said was no problem, even though I only went on it a few times when we first started dating. As I was on, she was forwarding pictures from “Bob”, from her phone to an old email that I thought she didn’t use anymore, that had messages saying “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I’m memorized by you”, “Kisses”. Bob was an old childhood friend she knew 19 years ago and hadn’t seen or spoken to in 11 years. He had just found her on FB 5 days before he sent these messages.

I called her right away about it and she acted like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. She had no clear answers and just said “Think what you want.” She said he just started sending them and that she never once lead him on. As I was on the phone, I remembered the password to the email she was sending them too and as I log on, she is deleting months of emails at that very moment. Things get heated some more and in the heat of an argument, I call it off, saying “We’re done”.

I cool off and we try talking about the pictures during the next couple days. She says she told him to stop, but thought it was nice he was saying he loved her after so many years (they never dated). I thought it was creepy that after 11 years of no contact, some guy is saying he loves my girlfriend after just talking for 5 days. She said she talked to him for hours on the phone and he said he had loved her and would regret never telling her.

More arguments start over the next couple days. All of them I try to go in with a calm head and she blows up at me every time, pointing out my faults and going off on me. We go in circles and she refuses to try to work anything out or compromise. Said she was tired from the first year of trying to build me back up after my ex and that I wasn’t doing enough for her in the past 4 months. And I swear I had made a huge difference and was a much happier person and made her the focus of my life. The fighting builds up to a huge fight where she throws an AVON bag, that was for my mother, into my chest and I throw it into her hallway and tell her to take it to herself. As I walk by her to leave, she knocks me upside the head.

We don’t talk for 9 days. We eventually do and everything is my fault. She had a rule about once a guy says its over, there are no second chances. I had not thought of that rule in over a year since she first told me when we started dating. She keeps pointing out my faults and worries about being the “bad guy” to me and my family. It took her days to admit she was wrong for not telling me about this guy and not once apologized for getting physical. The call ends peacefully but with nothing solved. She needs space. She swears there’s nothing with this guy, who lives 2,000 miles away and she loves me. But is upset with how I handled my anger. She ends the call by saying she needs space.

As this goes on, her husband decides to buy her a new convertible in the past 2 weeks since we had this fight.

I’m starting to see someone who is insecure and needs the attention of all these other men. She uses her husband just for his money, he’s 15 years older than her and going through a mid life crisis himself.

I’m at a lost. I love her and this last 2 weeks just came out of nowhere. She wore up and down if she lost interest in me or didn’t want this, she would end it first. I catch her talking to this “Bob” guy and apparently she told him I haven’t been there for her. He contacts me on FB and says if I loved her one once as much as he did, this wouldn’t be an issue and her and I would be all right.

Do I walk and throw away the last year and a half? She got physical during a fight, which has never happened before. She won’t take responsibility for anything she has done, where I have and even started therapy for my problems with depression and my past. She won’t compromise or even discuss how to solve our communication problems and now she needs her space. Space for what? I keep feeling I'm the one who should be angry and hurt by what happened. I mean, I am. But she is playing the victim.

Sorry for the long post. Just confused and would love to hear an outside opinion.

[Jake2008]

I get the impression that she has remained married, and her husband probably has no idea what she's up to.

The closer you get to knowing the truth, the more she pushes you away with false accusations.

I would advise you to cut your losses and move on. As long as she is married, living in the same house as her husband, and accepting expensive gifts from him, she isn't worth your trouble.

Think seriously about getting messed up with a married woman.

[Crichton]

Oh he knows about me. They have both dated other people in the past 3 years, but won't take that final step. I get a lot of talk and now I'm seeing it's just excuses. He still loves her and wants her back. And I'm sure the car was his idea of doing just that.

Just feels like things are turning into a sitcom.

[Ash123]

Man, I got to say. None of this sounds too super.
Exploring her emails.. (even with permission it tells me you don't trust her)
And a husband who spoils her... and old boyfriends... She is making you crazy.

In my opinion, you need to count your blessings and let this one be over and get some space. Can you do that? Leave this alone and heal. Try to learn from this so you don't repeat it with another selfish girl you don't trust...

[Crichton]

Yeah, I'm not to proud about going through the emails. She had been distant for a while and I tried for months to get her to open up. The mistrust started then and just grew. I felt my guard going back up and told her about it. After seeing the contact with the other guy, that trust is shattered.

She went above and beyond in trying to bring down my walls and gain my trust that first year, which makes her actions the past few months so confusing.

I believe I can stay away and do the NC rule. It's been 4 days since last contact. I have my ups and downs, who wouldn't after a year and a half. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if I respond or not when her time for space is over and contacts me.

[Ash123]

This is a mess. Focus on yourself and your life.
Don't repeat it.
If she contacts you, no need to respond. But if you do be short and polite.
4 days of NC is not a lot. If you can do 3 months of NOTHING (no cheating)
You will see you can look forward a lot better than you thought.

Good luck.

A

[Larken85]

Yo, been there, done that. Got her to move. She still sees ex boyfriend, I am ending it finally. Take a que, its hard I know, but get out. And stay out. (it sucks) We who get ourselves messed up with the wrong women, only we understand how hard it is to let go.

[Gemini54]

Do I walk and throw away the last year and a half? She got physical during a fight, which has never happened before. She won’t take responsibility for anything she has done, where I have and even started therapy for my problems with depression and my past. She won’t compromise or even discuss how to solve our communication problems and now she needs her space. Space for what? I keep feeling I'm the one who should be angry and hurt by what happened. I mean, I am. But she is playing the victim.

Wow, there are so many red flags here - the biggest being her continuing to live with her ex-husband while going out with you. It really concerns me that she claims it's over with him, but lives in their house and accepts his (extravagant) gifts.

I have to declare a conflict of interest here - my husband's ex-wife behaves like this - and when I read about this sort of behavior I can't help but attribute it to someone that's like her. She's on to her third husband from whom she's separated, but he continues to live in the spare room, support her and take her on holidays. She has 2 other BF's that also pay her the attention she seems to require.

Your GF ticks all the same boxes as my husband's ex wife (who has a borderline-narcissistic PD) - including the refusal to take responsibility for her behavior, the physical reaction, the rages, the lies, the very quickly moving on and the victim mentality.

The way I see it if she won't compromise, then you need to walk. It's never a healthy relationship if it's one person blaming the other for everything that's wrong and refusing to change. Walk out of her life.

NC is the only way in a situation like this, focus on your counselling and rebuild your confidence. There are lots of great women out there that won't treat you like this.

[Jake2008]

As long as she's married, she's off limits.

Her and her husband have an 'open marriage', but, they are still married.

She is not divorced. I'd stay away until she is actually on her own.

[amicon]

I think you stay NC.forever.
Too many red flags,too much drama and an explosive temper.

Plus you don't trust her.

For your own peace of mind,I think you should leave this be.

[Crichton]

Thank you everyone. It helps to read this and know I'm not the only one who sees what she is doing is wrong. Not that I don't have my faults. But I feel like I'm working on them, especially with therapy... which I should have done years ago after my dad's suicide. The last few months have been hard. She doesn't communicate very well (she thinks she does in her own mind). She will store things in and only unleash them during fights and blindside me. I've told her before we need to have a weekly "time out" to sit down and discuss what is bugging us. Not talk about work, school, family or friends. But just us. But she said that was "childish" and that she shouldn't have to talk down like that. I keep telling her "I'm not a Jedi. I can't read your thoughts." But it just goes nowhere.

I'm trying to keep my mind off her. I've removed everything that she had given me, as material things set off triggers for me. I deleted her number out of my phone (still know it by heart, but it helps me feel better) and her email contacts out of mine. She blocked me on FB the day this all went down, so I don't have to worry about going to her page.

I know just from reading your responses and trying to take a step out of this relationship and look at it from an outsider, it seems so cut and dry. The good memories just mess with my head and I try to focus on the things she has hurt me with.

[Ash123]

KEEP THIS IN MIND:
Some people cannot love properly. They may be smart, sexy, fun, exciting, but you will never fix them. She will never be able to love properly. They will never give as much as they get. That is more her issue than yours. It may repeat throughout her life.

[amicon]

Focus on you and your therapy-work through the issues you have and make a better life for yourself.

Whatever problems she has are her problems so don't spend time analyzing her.

[Crichton]

I've been fighting the urge to break NC and say something to her. I've read all the main threads on techniques on how to stay strong and not break NC. I don't want to get back together with her but I do feel this urge to have my final say. Things are still at "she needs space" at this moment.

Do you think it's healthy to just tell her I'm done and not wait for her to make contact? Just for the sake of you saying it's over and giving myself some sense of closure? I try to keep busy and my mind off it during the day but at night, I catch myself wishing she would make contact so I can send a short and polite message telling her I need to focus on myself and that it's over. Needing space... just feels like the door is still open.

[Ash123]

She hit you?

[talaniman]

Accepting that she will never be compatible is your closure. Yeah its hard in the beginning, darn hard to break attachments and focus on the future when the emotions are still so intense. But they will gradually recede to the back of your mind as new memories, friends, and activities allow you to enjoy yourself again.

Most potential partners make it look good on paper in the beginning, but reality wakes us up in a hurry.

Write your feelings down on paper, and then reread them a few hours later, and then burn them. That's the kind of closure you need the venting kind. But you can come here for all the ranting, raving, and venting you need. That's what everyone else comes here for, in addition to advice and support.