[bogusjourney]

I am so confused. My best friend of fourteen years isn't speaking to me and I don't know why. The last two years have been really difficult for me, dealing with getting married and then divorced, then being seriously ill. My last surgery was in June and when my birthday came a few months later my friend didn't call or send a gift. Before my illness we had planned for me to visit her (she lives across country) later in the year. For two months before when I was supposed to visit, she did not return my phone calls. I canceled the trip and wrote her an email explaining that I had not been feeling well (this was true) and that I didn't feel comfortable making the trip without some communication from her. I also told her that it hurt my feelings that she had not been responsive to my calls during that difficult period. She did not respond for another three months, when she wrote an email saying that she had been angry at me after my message that made her feel like I was saying she was a bad friend. She said she was ready to talk. I wrote back that I would prefer to wait until after the holidays were over to get into it. In early January I wrote another email explaining that I love her and want to be friends, but that I was confused by her not having called me during that time. She wrote back right away that she was sorry too and that we would talk soon. I haven't heard from her at all since then and that was four months ago. I called her twice, once just to talk and a second time on a day that I was very sick and on the way to the ER. Her birthday was last week, and I sent an email to say hi and happy birthday, no response. I feel like my friend has cruelly abandoned me. I know I'm not the only one with problems, but I can't understand why she refuses to call me back, especially after saying she wanted to talk again. What am I missing here?

[JudyKayTee]

You wrote and said you were ready to talk; she wrote and said she was ready to talk; you said you were ready to talk after the holidays. It would appear that you then didn't contact her - after the holidays.

You wrote and said you were confused by her lack of contact. You then talked and then you called her to say (after apparently a period of time) that you were on your way to the ER.

For whatever reason settling the problem has bounced back and forth between you. She isn't contacting you because (for whatever reason) she doesn't want contact.

When you were going through a difficult period did you ever call her just to say hi or was it always to discuss a problem? That burns a friendship out really, really quickly. I notice that you called her when you were on your way to the ER after a period of not speaking.

If you are so inclined (and I'm an up front person) I would WRITE her (on paper), tell her you would like to let what has happened just be in the past and rekindle a friendship.

She will either respond or she won't.

(It appears you do know why you are estranged - she thinks you said she was a bad friend and that offended her.)

[bogusjourney]

Hi, thank you for your response. I did write the letter after the holidays apologizing for hurting her feelings, saying I wanted to be friends again, and expressing that I was hurt and confused by her not having called me back in so long. I understand that she was offended by the idea that I was accusing her of being a bad friend, but her last communication made it sound like she wanted to talk again! If she doesn't want to talk, why say so? I can't know if she thinks our phone conversations before that were too centered on my problems, but I didn't perceive that to be the case at that time since we talked a lot about her life too. One would think that friends would be more dedicated in a time of need, not annoyed. I guess what I really don't understand is the aspect of being annoyed or irritated by someone who has something bad happen to them. I guess this shows me a lot about this person. Thanks again for the perspective!