[molileo]

So I met a guy two years ago, lets call him "Dave", we dated for a while and I fell for him. He told me he wanted to see other guys so I let him go but we stayed friends. My feelings kept growing and I eventually fell in love with him. He started avoiding me and we didn't talk for a year.

A year later he contacted me, explaining that he avoided me because he knew how I felt and wanted me to get over him. And if I wanted to still be friends that'd be great. I accepted the offer and we started hanging out.

In the year that we didn't speak he had been in a long term relationship, and soon after we started hanging out, they broke up. It ended up being me that was there for him during the break up, like I was some sort of emotional rebound, and we got closer and closer, to the point that I was sure something would happen soon.

He went away for the Christmas week and sent me some drunk IMs explaining that he had an incling as to how I felt and that didn't see me like that, and that he's sorry if he'd ever led me on, but he could "never ever see anything happening between us. Sorry." but still was adamant that he wanted to keep the friendship because he loved how close we had become as friends.

So I decided it was then or never to get over him, and it was working. The few months after that, our friendship remained strong, and I suppressed all my feelings, and I finally started dating someone else for the first time in two years. Lets call him "Jordan".

Me and Jordan were dating for a month, and then, one night staying over at Daves, Dave makes a move on me. I let it go on because it was all I had wanted for two years. His flatmate came home however and we didn't manage to have sex.

He texted me the next day saying that he wishes we'd have had sex, and that we should have it, and that if we do he was sure things "wouldn't be wierd, like last year." implying that I wouldn't fall for him again. I hoped he was right.
Since then we've tried to have sex three times but other such unfortunate things have happened such as people walking in, etc.

I'm still seeing Jordan, but almost having sex with Dave has made things weird. All it's done is intensified my feelings. I barely feel anything for Jordan, and all my feelings have reverted back to Dave.

Part of me wants to have sex once just to get it out of the way because it's what I've wanted for so long. Part of me feels like he's just proving that he can have me whenever he likes.
I don't want to lose him as a friend because we're supposed to be moving in together with a couple of other friends come September. But I want to confront him about the discrepancies in what he's said, about making a move when I'm seeing someone else, as opposed to the two years that I was single beforehand, about the fact that it's kind of obvious how I've felt about him all this time, so him having sex with me would obviously bring my feelings back.

Is he trying to get me to fall in love with him?
Does he like me?
What should I do to get over him?
What should I do to get back at him for being such an ?

Sorry it's such a confusing story, and there's not really a single burning question, but any advice would be great!

[talaniman]

This may be rather harsh, but if you don't have the common decency not to cheat on your boyfriend, I really don't know what to tell you.

Especially since this ex just wants sex from you, and you are so willing to oblige. Its only a matter of time, so why not dump the unsuspecting boyfriend, so he can get a real girlfriend, and get used by the ex, and get it over with.

If you were serious about getting over the ex, you would have stopped playing with your feelings by hanging out, and being friends. If you were serious about the boyfriend, you wouldn't be a liar, and a cheater to him.

So do the right thing, and let one of them go. Like the boyfriend.

[molileo]

Jordan and I are not at that a serious stage yet. We've only been dating for just over a month, and are nowhere near being a couple. We've not discussed being exclusive, but had we, I wouldn't have 'cheated'.
Like I said, I wanted to have sex with Dave because it was all I'd wanted for two years, and those feelings kind of took over.

[bloooooper7]

If you think he would be pissed.. Then its cheating. Would you be upset if he out of the blue told you he hooked up with his ex?

I think that's cheating and I wouldn't want to be Jordan right now.

[Alty]

So I met a guy two years ago, lets call him "Dave", we dated for a while and I fell for him. He told me he wanted to see other guys so I let him go but we stayed friends. My feelings kept growing and I eventually fell in love with him. He started avoiding me and we didn't talk for a year.

I'm guessing you're both male? It doesn't matter in the long run, but it may impact the advice given here.

He's trying to be a friend with benefits. He told you point blank that a relationship isn't possible, but he does want to have sex with you.

The thing I find most telling is the fact that he only wanted to be friends until you found a boyfriend. He wants you to pine for him, that's what I think.

Here's my question to you. Do you care about your boyfriend? Can you see a future relationship with him? If not, then why are you still with him? Is he a safety net?

I don't think that Dave wants anything other then sex. If that's the kind of "relationship" you want, one doomed for failure, then that's your choice to make. I'm willing to bet that Dave won't fall in love with you, realize what he's been missing, and you'll live happily ever after. So, if you just want sex, then go for Dave and let poor Jordan go, because right now you're doing to him what Dave did to you. I do predict that once you dump Jordan, Dave will no longer be that interested and you'll once again be told that he doesn't have feelings for you.

You need to decide what you want, a relationship, or just sex. Realize that the fact that you want love from Dave will make a "just sex" relationship with him very hard. I'm sure he'll still see and sleep with other guys. Can you handle that?

[Cat1864]

That 'Dave' didn't want you until you were seeing someone else should be a huge red flag. He apparently thinks he is safe from your emotions and to have sex with you as long as there is someone else in the picture to be the boyfriend and do the boyfriend things. Of course, you essentially have confirmed that for him by continuing to play his games.

Tell 'Jordan' that you are attempting to have sex with 'Dave' and see just how exclusive he thought the two of you are supposed to be.

Quite frankly, unless you tell 'Jordan' before hand and either make certain it is an 'open' relationship in both of your minds or you dump him, you are using him as much as 'Dave' wants to use you.

[molileo]

Yeah, we're both male.

What I want is a relationship. I couldn't be friends with benefits with Dave, not with the feelings I have.
I think I must have stayed with Jordan as a safety net, because I kind of knew that it was because I was with him that Dave tried to sleep with me. I know that was wrong, but what should I do now, is it possible to confront dave, and say something like
"If we're such good friends as you say, Why did you try to sleep with me when you know how i've always felt about you? Why did you wait till i wasn't single?"
Or can I not do that, because I consented to the sex?

[talaniman]

I think you can start being honest whenever you want to.

[Cat1864]

I know that was wrong, but what should I do now,

Be honest with everyone involved especially Jordan and yourself.

If you can't talk to someone about a relationship and how it affects you then you shouldn't be in that relationship. Don't think about 'confronting' as much as 'discussing'. One invites argument the other invites dialog.

[molileo]

Spoke to Jordan, sorted things out. We're still together.

Dave is now completely ignoring me. He was the one that said things wouldn't be weird, but now he's ignoring my 'normal' texts. So much for being 'best friends'.
Happy that if we don't talk, I can finally get over him. But he'll probably come back with some excuse again in a month or so, but I'll need to grow more of a spine and hold my ground.
Only problem now is no one to live with next year anymore...

[Cat1864]

Spoke to Jordan, sorted things out. We're still together.

Dave is now completely ignoring me. He was the one that said things wouldn't be wierd, but now he's ignoring my 'normal' texts. So much for being 'best friends'.
Happy that if we don't talk, i can finally get over him. But he'll probably come back with some excuse again in a month or so, but i'll need to grow more of a spine and hold my ground.
Only problem now is noone to live with next year anymore.....

I am glad you are working things out with Jordan.

I hope you find new house-mates for next year, but I don't think living in the same place as Dave was going to be good for you.

Remember that if you want more advice or need help getting that 'spine' in shape, all you have to do is keep adding to this thread. :)