[lynniee]

I'm 16 years old teenage girl and in freshman college,

I have a bright life and good grades since I started schooling but my mom is not satisfied, she verbally abuses me insults me curses at me it started when I was around 9? Or 10? And I've been enduring it for a very long time and actually hide it to other people around me especially my friends but I consulted my teacher back in high school she told if I just did what my mom wanted she won't do it again, and what is it that my mom wanted? She wanted me to be number 1 in class although I'm 13th in class sometimes 9th but I lost it I tried hard enough but then her verbal abusing have been getting worse when I started college in the past 8th months. My dad's always away I see him every 6 months because of his job and I wanted to go college dorm but my dad didn't allow it because my moms is going to be left alone but actually I wanted to be far away because every time I arrive at home she starts shouting at me she actually said "how did you get in college yet your still ing dumb! i don't see anything good in you your dad is working hard yet you give this kind of grades when will you learn? im very ASHAMED OF YOU."

Is that how a mom says to her ONLY DAUGHTER?

I've been crying alone all the time when I can't handle it anymore I started answering back a lot in 3rd high, it felt good answering back because it makes me feel better I release my anger by answering back but I did it when I am trying to explain myself. I know it not good to answer back but I can't help myself I just kept answering back there was a time she slapped me after I answer back but I got used to it. I didn't care any more, about my grades, I just started enjoying high school life, I started smoking, I got drunk without my mom knowing I did all of this things. I didn't care what is going to happen to me. I vented my anger through smoking alone it clears my mind. I sometimes talked about this things to one of my closest friends then finally I graduated high school. Jen jen! College tough luck I got into one of the great college in my place although it costs a lot, my mom and I had been fighting a lot answering back then the next day its like nothing happened it became a routine I got tired of it. Her verbal abusing have gotten worse than worser she shamed me in public, in front of my classmates, in the malls she slapped me and said "go away son of a b*tch!" I stood there and hid my face and took a train home listened to rock music well heavy metal music with my hoodie on. When I arrived home she pulled my hair and said where the hell I've been yadah yadah yadah.. I didn't answer back I didn't look at her I made her felt she's a wind, then I did my thesis paper while she was shouting like a horrible psycho, then I got into my sense and said "can you please let me finish my thesis paper, then ill listen to your nagging ing ?" I finally said it my heart was pounding I knew what was going to happen she walked fast towards me and slammed my head on the window her hand all over my jaw like she's going to break it I stared at her like nothing happened tears came rolling down my eyes, but then I pushed her back I hesitated in pushing hardly so she was still standing I shouted I said "what the you want? you keep shouting and shouting and shouting like there no ing tomorrow, if you want me out of the house, you can't do that because im underage and ive got to endure 2 year more then i can leave this ing house whenever you like it or like it!" I threw my books at her I pushed her scratched her arms I tried not to choke her neck but I actually wanted to kill her at that moment. I really wanted to scratch her face smash her with my hardbound book till she begs and says enough and I wanted to kill my own mother I wanted to abuse her and I did.

What can I do to prevent this again? I didn't want to be violent but inside me I wanted to be violent I wanted to hurt someone, I had the urge to kill my own mother during her sleep. I didn't want this. Help me.

[RadioActive697]

Ok I'm a little confuse? But from what I understand maybe you should do counseling. Maybe even your mom. The thought of you wanting to kill your mom is very bad. You do not want to go down that road. Is there any other place you could live? Maybe with your closest friend? I would think you should tell an adult you know who will do something about the situation. It seems your going through a lot of things. I would seek help to get the thought of killing your mom out of your head. This is a serious matter.