[xshorty_jessx]

I really need help here, I'm finding it so hard to cope, I have got severe depression and I just don't know how to deal with it, when I talk to people about it, it's like they don't understand it, I get accused of attention seeking I have been receiving sick pay at work because my doctor thinks that I am unfit to work but the people who don't really understand it make out that it's an excuse for lazy people and I often get called lazy and things. I'm often not doing much in life, I'd like to see friends but everything involves money so when I'm not with my boyfriend I'm at home on my own well with my dad but I may as well be because he doesn't talk to me much, but he has depression to and is on tablets. My mum and dad are split, and my mum is a alcoholic as she drinks every night and sometimes during the day, this is why I live with my dad but I just sometimes wish that I had my mum to talk to about problems but with hers I can't. A lot of people have tried to help but she refuses help and this is adding to my depression. I just don't see her sober anymore and when I do it's the best feeling ever! So I think this has something to do with my depression.
Also I think I'm depressed due to feeling lonely I feel like I don't get out much I'm fed up with being stuck in on my laptop I do try and make plans but it's like people are always too busy or they are pregnant or want to do things that involve money which money is a struggle for me as you're probably guessing. I only work 5 hours on a Sunday and go col during the week but I keep having time off col because my depression really puts me off! I work 6:00 till 11:00 pm but they changed it half 5 till half 10 as the last bus is half 10 but because I have had time off I have been told I have to do 6:00 till 11:00, which means I will have to get a taxi which will cost me 8 pound at a time, this is one of the other reasons I'm getting worse.
Also I have an issue where I put myself down where I think I'm overweight or ugly, I try and get my boyfriend to compliment me but he just won't so this is doing my head in, my breasts are the main cause of my body consciousness as they are big in size, I often feel restricted from a lot of things I feel like I can't wear nice tops, I feel like I can't do physical activities like running and dancing because I get worried of what people think I feel like they make comments about them like, she's going to give herself black eyes, people always mention them when I'm out and it gets to me like hell, I feel like they are careless and just don't think, they don't even look right on me because I'm only 4ft 10 I just want them to go. When I try to exorcise they really hurt to, and I'm sick of back pain.
The thing is I am down about so many thing I'm finding it hard to cope, I did get tablets given to me but I decided that I didn't want to take them as when I started them they made me feel ill.
I don't fully understand my illness either because some days I'll feel like I'm on top of the world then others I'm just so fed up and want to cry all night, but I hate being like this because I'm such a sensitive women lately people say the littlest of things and I get upset. I feel like I have to be doing something 24/7 to escape it, when I'm fed up and doing nothing all I think about is the problem I have all the time and it goes on and on and I get so worked up I get anxiety. I also don't know where I'm going in life I am trying to get a new job but it doesn't seem to be getting any better as I have sent off like 10 cvs and not heard anything and I don't know what step to take in life, I don't want to be a failure but I can't help but think I am one with this illness.
Just need someone to talk to, someone who understands me and everything so would be grateful if someone offered me any support x

[simoneaugie]

You are not alone. I get it. In fact a psychiatrist diagnosed me with mixed personality disorder because I can smile, laugh and cry all at the same time. Later, I learned that it's quite possible to be feeling sad, happy and angry all at once.

When you feel as if it's important to have the approval of people around you, sometimes it "helps" to become a chameleon.

That being said, your mum is an alcoholic. She is right? You wish you could talk to her or help her. Until she chooses to get away from alcohol, there is nothing you can do. And, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Having a caring mum would be wonderful but not having one does not cause depression.

Disappointment that comes out of having to pay the cab, not finding a job, not getting compliments from your boyfriend, not having your mum to talk to and your dad''s silence or your friends busy lives brings you down. It's a bummer but these are disappointing not depressing.

See a doctor and ask to try a new medication. For me, the tricyclics only made me feel like crud. The SSRIs changed my entire outlook on life. Each person has a different chemistry and it's important to keep trying new drugs until you find one that really works.

Keep trying to find good employment. Even if you are turned down, you made the attempt.

Even if you don't really feel like it, go outside. If the sun is out, walk through your entire neighborhood.

Help others. Even if it's only getting the gate for an elderly person, helping others helps you.

Take a B vitamin supplement. If I miss taking B-Vits I am such a crab. I have started taking vitamin D too. A friend of mine told me that she wanted to crawl under her desk at work and just sleep. Vitamin D, recommended by her doctor stopped her "laziness." The UL or upper limit for D is 2000 iu per day.

Hang in there.

[xshorty_jessx]

But just as I start to feel like I'm coming out of it, I get knocked back down again, it's mainly by my boyfriend, he talks to me like I'm utter crap, I think he has stuff on his mind to and uses me to have a go at. I'm just so unhappy lately, I were okay all last week but this week I have been so down it's unreal, I've even had suicidal thoughts but I won't do anything stupid just feel like I'm better off dead sometimes, I don't do anything wrong to anyone and I get treated like that, I get so angry to I feel like killing people who knock me back down, it's really hard to explain exactly what's going on inside my head but it's killing me! I am trying my very best to get rid of it but it just won't go away I often feel like people don't want it to and they are picking on me because I am weak!

[xshorty_jessx]

Oh and not having a caring mum does't cause depression it's her killing herself hurting me