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cllggirl20 · Apr 14, 2010, 10:45 PM

My name is Mandy and I am 24 years old. I was engaged to this guy named Eric for like 1 year and half and together for almost 4 years and we even had an engagement party with all our friends and family. I found out from his sister that since we broke up he is in a lot of trouble and is in rehab now. I know I did the right thing because I knew he was going down the wrong road and even though I was the one that ended I still cry so easy if something triggers it and makes me think of him. I mean he was the one I planned to grow old with and build a family with so now I am wondering if I am the reason he has gone down hill so fast and if I am being stupid for still crying about it now that it is April 14th,2010 and I broke up with him on Nov.2nd,2009?

amicon · Apr 14, 2010, 11:59 PM

It takes time to heal,even if you were the one who broke it off.

Be patient with yourself and don't try to force the healing process.

Showme_urmove · Apr 15, 2010, 12:35 AM

Hey mandy just be strong, we all have our own demon to face. The action he makes is not your responsibility to worry about. Just be happy that you left early and there were no kids in the picture. He is an addict and that's not the type of person you expect to have a healthy family and be a father figure to your kids. That's how he is and you deserve a man that can satisfy you in any way. Be strong and don't think about the past too much, YOU were with him for 4 years, its not going to take couple of months for you to get over him, expect it to hurt for awhile, but remember each day does gets easier, then you get thus day that you just hate. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people that loves love.

redhed35 · Apr 15, 2010, 01:30 AM

The end of even the most traumtic relationships can bring about those feelings of loss.

It does take time to move on,if you feel that your not making progress,I suggest seeking councilling to help you figure out the road blocks.

Devorameira · Apr 15, 2010, 04:40 AM

Mandy, just try and be patient. You did the right thing in ending your relationship with him, but remember that healing takes time.

Just know that his behavior is NOT your fault. We are all responsible for our own actions!

I wish · Apr 15, 2010, 06:25 AM

Everyone has to find their own way to heal from a break up. You decided that it would be best for you to go your separate way. So do that. He's got to work out his own problems.

I don't think it's fair to take the blame for his downfall. You can't control the choices he makes in life. You can only control your own choices. He's got to learn for himself. He can't blame you for his downfall either.

cllggirl20 · Apr 15, 2010, 11:11 AM

amicon-thank you I just feel like I have no right to be sad since I ended it

Showme_urmove- I just don't want to be "the straw that broke the camels back" and I often question if I never broke up with him would he still be in his current situation

redhed35- I have considered seeking a counselor but I don't want to be labeled as weak

Devorameria- thanks for telling me I did the right thing cause at the moment I feel the need for constant reassurance

I wish- Sometimes it just hurts so much cause I have a wedding dress hanging in my closet but no wedding to wear it to cause we were suppose to get married May 15th,2010 so sometimes its hard to feel like I did the best thing

amicon · Apr 15, 2010, 11:50 AM

Its OK to feel sad even if you're the dumper-it takes time to get over a failed relationship.

Your ex is who he is,I don't think you broke the camels back.

Counseling doesn't mean you are weak,it's a way to get in touch with yourself.

As for the wedding dress,I suggest you sell it or give it away.

Take care.

cllggirl20 · Apr 15, 2010, 01:13 PM

Amicon- It makes it so hard to realize that my relationship is failed because I thought Eric and I would always be together & that we were each others soulmates but I was sadly mistaken.

amicon · Apr 15, 2010, 01:17 PM

That's a tough lesson,but you'll come to realise that you have learned a lot,about yourself and about life.

And your next relationship will be a better one.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2010, 01:54 PM

It takes a lot longer than a few months to get over a 4 year relationship that you really thought that would end in marriage. It probably will get worse as the wedding date comes and goes, but after a while (quite a while unfortunately) it will get better.

You made a good decision for yourself though, but it may be years before you really realize it.

Sorry for your loss.

slapshot_oi · Apr 15, 2010, 02:07 PM

You know you did the right thing, so don't beat yourself up over it.

You may not get over him, but you will move on.

cllggirl20 · Apr 15, 2010, 02:39 PM

My mom sometimes gets frustrated with me when she sees me crying cause its been a little over 5 months so she believes I should be over all of it by now. It is just that I was in a relationship then he proposed to me in front of my whole family then we had a huge engagement party and we lived with my parents and went on family vacations together and went to Kentucky often to see his family and then he got fired from his job cause he failed a drug test but I forgave him but told him if he lied to me again we were done and he lied to me again so I ended it so I do realize I did the right thing I just still find myself getting triggered my the littlest things like ill hear a song and I fall apart

vanheart · Apr 15, 2010, 09:15 PM

Stop feeling guilty.

No reason.

Love rehab. Or whatever rehab. You both need that.
Not everyone is right together.

Things change.

No longer your concern.

"sometimes its hard to feel like I did the best thing"

That's it right there.

Move on. Stop getting info about him.

Live with your decision.

cllggirl20 · Apr 15, 2010, 10:08 PM

vanheart- I appreciate your opinion
But trust me if it was as easy as tell myself to stop I would but this is real life and you can't just say stop and it will.. he does need rehab and I'm glad that he is there but I still feel worried about him.. I know things change its just when things are really important to you especially when it is a person that is really important you its not easy just to shut the door on it.. I still am concerned about him because I did love him and still truly care about him even though I do not regret my decision and I would not take it back its just not that easy to "move on"

vanheart · Apr 15, 2010, 10:30 PM

Its OK to feel for him. Just not as a boyfriend.

That's the past.

Will only hold you back. Own up on your decision.

"i still am concerned about him because i did love him"

DID is the key. You just said that right?

Friends after the fact is more tragic. Unless both of you truly move on.

Feeling sorry sucks.

Showme_urmove · Apr 15, 2010, 10:52 PM

vanheart is right, that's the past. YOur also right you can't turn on and off your emotions. But you can control your actions. I don't know how your feeling, cause I've never been engage and broke up. But what I do know is that you did made the right choice, You gave him a chance to never lie to you again, he didn't respect you enough to tell you the truth and now your walking your talk. The more you try to get involve on his life, or getting all the info about him the harder it will for you to move on. Its like you take 2 step forward, you hear about him you start taking 3 step back. MOVe on MOVE ON and live your life again. Its easier said then done but time is the medicine of a broken heart.

I wish · Apr 16, 2010, 05:57 AM

5 months of recovering for a 4 year relationship that almost resulted in a marriage is nothing. The problem I see is that you're trying to rush the healing process. But because this isn't something that can be rushed, you feel fustrated with yourself.

Be patient with yourself. Time heals all wounds. The other problem is, you keep poking at your wound instead of leaving it alone so that it can heal.

Focus your attention on other things in life. If you keep dwelling on the failed relationship, you're just going to prolong the pain and suffering.

Move forward with your life. Look in front of you not in back of you.

You should definitely sell that wedding dress nor matter what. If you ever get married in the future, you should definitely have a different dress anyway.

CageWalk · Apr 16, 2010, 07:55 AM

Mandy, don't worry.

I'm also 24. I ended a 4 year relationship in July 2008. It took me until January of 2009 before I was truly over it.

At the time, I really missed the 'routine' of being with her. Just the little things people build up over the 4 years - the regularity you become accustomed to. Like driving to their place, or how you'd spend christmases.

But I didn't contact her for 7-8 months and I never felt more free.

It's like you know you've done the right thing. Literally, it feels like your lungs have just opened up.

In Jan 2010, I heard she was getting engaged and moving away to another state (I live in Australia and our states are huge. She'll be 3 hours flight away). I genuinely felt happy for her.

Part of that happiness was because I was relieved. Relieved because there are no kids in the picture, I'm still young and I've got 12 long years until I'm 36 - which is half again as old as we are. And think about all the growing up and experiences you've had since you were 12.

Really, you did the right thing for the both of you.