[sandiego2010]

Hello -

I am really struggling here - my adult daughter (20 next month) is in real trouble. Since she was 10 years old, she has been in trouble at home/at school - stealing, drugs, lying, running with an older/problematic crowd. We went to therapy for 3 years and she continued to run from home/smoke pot, etc... by the time she was 14 - I placed her in a family reunification boarding school as all had become unbearable and I had run out of options at home - her activities were growing bolder and more expansive.

Upon returning home from boarding school - things fell apart at home. She returned to her previous behaviours and activities. A month before her 18th birthday - I gave her a choice - respect me and the home or leave. She left. She was to get her GED while working and then get into college classes. She did not.

I received a phone call on New Year's Day from her... she had been severely beaten by her boyfriend - having only talked to this guy on the phone - I determined that there was something wrong with him and I shared my feelings with her. She continued to see him. He had beaten her and I rushed to get to her (in another state). I packed her up and moved her to my home - to get therapy, start over and get her life on a good track. Once here - I found out that she has been working as a stripper for the past year (I am crushed) - this boyfriend is an ex-con/felon/body builder/bouncer.

After being here for a couple of months she is working at a new job, going to therapy, working towards a GED, etc... we thought that she was making progress. However, I have just learned that she has been talking to this abuser (he was in jail for 45 days over the beating of her)... once out - he called her. She is now leaving this week to go see him! I have talked to her - had others talk to her - this is a terrible idea. We have had interventions and talked and talked and talked... is like talking to a wall. She is determined to go and believes that he is a good person to be with - he is a very cruel person - he went to prison for putting 2 police officers in the ICU.

I am terrified for her and frustrated by all of this. She will not talk to me about this and says that she "doesn't like my approach"... she shuts the conversation down and will ignore me while I am talking to her - maybe short one word answers and she looks down the whole time. She is obsessed with herself and cannot see anything else in life but herself/looks and this abuser boyfriend.

I am at a loss here... have been through so much - but am still here to help. The problem is - I don't know how to help. She will not listen to me or here about the dangers of this man and the situation. Further - she sees no problem in working as a stripper. She was not brought up in that type of family - it is definitely not OK.

So very worried about her. The state is still prosecuting the case and she is supposed to testify against him - but she has since withdrawn her testimony and is not cooperating. She is totally focused on being with this criminal.

I see pure hate in her for me... I might as well be the devil. I don't want to alienate her, but is very difficult for me to sit in silence or pretend there is nothing wrong... her life/health is in jeopardy here...

My nerves are shot - my face twitches now and I have panic/anxiety attacks. This is just too much. My mother suggests I let go and let God.

Is very difficult to see my daughter reject me/safety/health/personal growth and instead choose friends/boyfriend who rob homes and work in strip clubs and commit all types of crimes.

I am heartbroken.

[sgilmore]

I completely agree with your mother. She is not going to listen to what she does not want to hear, and right now she doesn't want to hear the obvious. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe you need to let go and let God, pray and trust that God will take care of her and guide her path. Put her and the situation in his hands.

[Gemini54]

I am really sorry that you are going through such pain.

However, your daughter is an 'adult' now and she is making the choices that will shape her life. You may not agree with her choices - few parents would - but you may have to accept them.

Is there any point in continuing to tell her how wrong she is? She doesn't want to hear it and is blind and deaf to your words. So stop talking and stop pleading with her.

The only way she will find out about life is to live it - and it seems that she has chosen a very hard path to follow. Let her return to her criminal BF - you have done everything you can, short of locking her in the house - and from now on the way her life unfolds is HER choice.

Try to let go of taking further responsibility and rescuing her from her choices - she wants to do it her way and clearly nothing you say and do will change her mind. Try not to take it personally and see it as a rejection of you, but as a bad choice on her part.

It's hard, but you need to think of your own health and your own well-being - get some professional help for yourself to assist you to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks.

Let her go. It's her responsibility now.

[Jake2008]

I think you have done remarkably well by her. You've never given up, and you've done all the appropriate things to turn her life around, at great expense to your own well being. I really commend you for that as most would just close the door and never look back.

I think that the effort you have put in to turn her around, is not in vain. Why she 'hates' you so much is that she knows what you say is true, and she does not want to hear the truth. The truth hurts, and the truth makes her think about what she is doing.

What you have taught her may very well save her life. While you have no control over her decisions, at some point she will realize that she needs to choose a different path.

What she has with her boyfriend is not love. He is a jacka** with a lot of influence over her, and she is not ready to see him for who he really is. I would be very afraid if she were my daughter too, but you have no direct control over this.

My advice to you is to realize what you can, and cannot do. Let her know, again, that when the next rescue needs to be done, you will give her a second chance to meet expectations- GED and college. But also let her know that her behaviour has resulted in physical problems for you, and you can no longer physically, or emotionally, keep stepping in.

You are allowed to have a life of your own, and happiness and less stress. What you are doing now is literally worrying yourself sick, and that is a choice that you have to make whether to stop it.

Easy? Of course not, but be realistic. As her life, by her own choices gets worse, so too does yours. And much of what you worry about is what could happen, and that will drive you crazy.

Deal with the facts for now, and take a step back and really think about what you can change. You cannot change her or her decisions, but you can change how you react to them yourself.

You are heartbroken of course, I totally understand that having lived with similar problems with my daughter. But, I took the advice I am giving you, and have separated what I can and cannot do, and put more balance into my life.

I would be prepared for her to return at some point, and I too, would try again. But in the meanwhile, please try to live your own life, and find some happiness. Life is too short for regrets.

You have gone above and beyond. Time to take reflection on your own life, and begin to live again.