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aluppnow · Apr 7, 2010, 05:59 AM

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for close to seven years. I recently asked her father for his permission to ask for her hand in marriage. I found out a couple of weeks ago that she has been cheating on me with another man and we have stopped seeing each other which has been really hard. I don't feel any anger or hatred toward her. The thing is that after speaking to her I realise that I probably carry half the blame. She says that she feels like I am closer to my mother than her. My parents got divorced when I was young and I am very close to my mother, I have explained this to her and told her that I love her very much and want to be with her, I don't live at home. I feel like she is my soul mate. I was transferred to another city through work and we have been having a long distance relationship for the last six months. I have since been retrenched, but have remained in the city to look for another job. The problem I have is that I still love this woman with all my heart and care about her very much. I just don't know if it is worth throwing away all that has been invested in the relationship and sometimes think that we all make mistakes and do deserve a second chance. I don't know how my parents and friends would react to us getting back together again. My father has made it very clear that he would not be very happy, but I have to live my own life. What do I do?

kctiger · Apr 7, 2010, 06:17 AM

We all will have different answers as we are different people. I am not going to pretend to know what I would do in your situation, it's hard, seven years is a LONG time and it is easy to say cut the ties and be done with her.

That being said, cut the ties! I am curious to know her reaction when you found out, how you found out and how long she was cheating on you. Was this an affair (by this I mean was it emotional) or simply cheating (just for sex)?

I think the most important thing here is that you use rational decision making. Blaming yourself is an absolutely irrational thing to do. Did she accept responsibility for this? Was she sorry? Did she try to blame you? There are a lot of questions to be answered. Truthfully, before you even THINK about getting back together I would like to know her side of this - does she even want this relationship? I just would find it hard to be with someone who, when times get tough and she feels a slight loneliness, goes out and finds the nearest guy to comfort her... seems like a pretty cowardly and immature way to deal with life's problems.

Like you said, it's your life. Your friends and your parents reactions to this are the least of your concerns, or they should be. You have to do what's best for you, just make sure you're doing that. What's best usually isn't what's easiest. Take your time and really think this through.

Devorameira · Apr 7, 2010, 07:12 AM

First off, don't place any of the blame on yourself. There is never a reason to cheat. If she wanted to see other people, she should have acted responsibly and broke up with you first.

If your girlfriend blames you at all for her cheating, which is very common among cheaters, it's because she has yet to own responsibility for her own behavior. It has nothing to do with you being close to your mother.

A very large percentage of cheaters will cheat again. The question is not will she cheat on you again, but can your heart take another fatal blow like that?

aluppnow · Apr 7, 2010, 07:43 AM

Thanks for the replies guys. Kc I don't know how long she has been cheating on me, I found out when I found that she had stayed over at the guys house and confronted them the next morning. It may appear that this has been going on for some time. I don't know if it was an affair or simply cheating, I'm guessing more like an affair as it wasn't a once off deal. I know they are no longer seeing each other. She has accepted responsibility and is sorry and from what she tells me still wants to be in a relationship with me. The biggest point for me is that she has broken my trust in her in the worst possible way.

Dev, I don't think I will be able to handle it if this happens again, but I keep asking myself what if.

The hard part is that I was planning to committ to her completely and now everything has collapsed, its hard not talking to her every day, but then I think at least we were not already married. The strange thing is that she was planning on taking a transfer to move and be with me, but I said she shouldn't as I don't have a job and may have to move back in with my folks until I find alternate work, then we would be apart again.

Thanks guys for the advice.

the_original · Apr 7, 2010, 07:45 AM

I agree with the other posters... worry about yourself first. Not how your or her parents will react. That being said, a little more info like KCtiger suggested might help with our advice. But if I were in your shoes, don't make any decision just yet. Give it some clear thinking and find out where she stands in all of this before you try to work it out or walk out. 7 years is a nice bit of time.

vanheart · Apr 7, 2010, 06:54 PM

aluppnow,

Its going to take a bit of time to heal from this one.

For one thing, don't listen to bad advice from your family. Or anyone else.

She's a cheater, and calculating. Now trying to reel back & apologize, so everyone thinks she's that sweet one everyone has known fro 7 years.

But the point is, she isn't that person. Proved it.

Oh, well. Let her figure herself out now.

For you is a road to take. One without her on it.

Its going to take some serious work on yourself. Go NC now. Save yourself from any more grief.

aluppnow · Apr 8, 2010, 04:20 AM

Thanks vanheart.

I'm guessing NC means no contact.

Thank you all for the advice you haver helped put things into perspective.

I wish · Apr 8, 2010, 07:27 AM

Unfortunately, we're not sure how long she's been cheating on you. Furthermore, had you not found out, who knows how much longer it would have gone on. Finally, it could still be going on and you might not know about it.

If she had issues with you, then she should have tried to work them out with you. That's no excuse to go cheating on you. Though I know that you love her very much and you would make excuses for her, but there can be no justification for cheating.

If you have a problem. Work it out. If the problem can't be solved, then cut your ties and go your separate ways.

Cheating is just another way of keeping you around as her back up plan. She goes off, has her fun, maybe sees if there's some spark with the other guy. If there's nothing, she can always come crying back to you.

Now that she cheated and got caught, how can you ever trust her again? Even if she got back with you, who knows when she's going to cheat again. How can you live with so much insecurity?

I know that you've invested a lot of time and effort in the last 7 years, so you don't want it to go down the drain. But in fact, for the last 7 years, you've grown as a person. You've gained a lot of experience. Now you can take that experience with you to make yourself a better person.

A good analogy is, let's say we work at a job for 15 years, but we decide that we want to change jobs for whatever reason. That doesn't mean the past 15 years was wasted, it was a great experience, you've learned a lot. So you take that knowledge with you and pursue something else.

Lucky098 · Apr 8, 2010, 08:07 AM

It all comes down to... Can you handle the fact that she cheated on you? Can you forgive her, and leave it in the past? Or is always going to be something that bothers you?

Does she want to be with you again?

You being close to your family is NO EXCUSE for her to cheat. Don't blame anything on yourself. Cheating is cheating, there really is no good reason.

But like I said.. Its all up to you. If you think you can forgive and forget, no one will be able to convince you otherwise on the marriage part.

aluppnow · Apr 8, 2010, 02:25 PM

I have forgiven her and she does want to be with me. The thing I’m scared of is that I regret not being with her sometime in the future.

A friend of mine broke up with his g/friend, he has married and had a child and his ex has also married and had a child. He regrets not being with her and I think she regrets not being with him. It’s almost like they were meant to be together but aren’t and they both regret it. I don’t want to be in this type of situation.

Therein lays my dilemma, we all make mistakes. The thing that scares me is that we get back together and she cheats on me again, but then we are married, have a child and it ends up in a messy divorce, or we could live happily ever after. I just don’t know.

Perhaps its too soon and I’m not thinking rationally.

NC is hard.

vanheart · Apr 8, 2010, 02:28 PM

You can't live your life in regret mode. Your friend is not you. Everyone is different.

Like you said:

"I have forgiven her and she does want to be with me"

That's all you need to know to move forward.

talaniman · Apr 8, 2010, 04:37 PM

Perhaps its too soon and I'm not thinking rationally.

Yes it is to soon to be thinking with your head, and not your heart. You deserve to take all the time you need. What concerns me is what the heck took you so long to talk to her parents? & years is a long time to be just in a relationship, and not have a plan, but that's just me.

NC is hard.

Yes it is, but you will heal, and make decisions based on facts, and not just feelings. that have been around for 7 years.

vanheart · Apr 8, 2010, 04:42 PM

Exactly, it took her cheating on you to start smelling the coffee.

aluppnow · Apr 9, 2010, 02:19 AM

The reason it took me so long to talk to her parents is that I was busy with my masters degree which took all my time and finances to complete, but she stuck with me, I was also living with my mom at the time. I just didn't have the means.

I know vanheart that's why I said before in my original post that I probably carry half the blame, part of which may not have been committing to her earlier.

Larken85 · Apr 9, 2010, 02:59 AM

My thing is I think it would be best to give it time. Make sure she isn't going to hurt you before getting back with her, but also after you get back with her Do not just jump strait into marriage. I knows its already been 7 years but she betrayed your trust and now she has to gain it back before you can really move forward.

aluppnow · Apr 9, 2010, 10:39 AM

Sounds good Larken85, that's what I have decided to do. Give it time and see how things pan out.

Any advice on how I will know when I'm ready to contact her again and talk things through and see if getting back together is the right thing to do? After 7 odd years together how much time would be sufficient. I have raed somewhere on the forum that one should give it 2 months for every year together.

Until then its NC.

You have all been great with your advice, thank you. I'm so grateful that I found this forum.

vanheart · Apr 9, 2010, 05:40 PM

Just stay NC.

You will make that decision or not after you are completely healed.

Don't worry about that right now.

aluppnow · Apr 11, 2010, 01:51 PM

At the moment it feels like this will never get any better. I'm battling.

amicon · Apr 11, 2010, 01:59 PM

I think your feelings are normal,as is the battling.

Be patient with yourself-one day at the time.

And stick to NC.

aluppnow · Jun 11, 2010, 10:56 AM

I need some advice please.

Sunday will be 3 months. At least I can function like a normal person again. We have spoken a couple of times but I have not seen her.

I have come to realise that I wasn't very fair to this girl, but I feel very confused about a way forward from here. Some days I want her back, other days I don't.

Any advice?