[Bongam]

We have been involved for 4 months, when we started she told me that she has a boyfriend but since we started dating I noticed that he never calls or lives massages on her phone. Today she asked me to download some music on her cellphone and while I was still logging onto the internet I opened her massages and I was so shocked when I saw a massage from her aunt. Her boyfriend died but she didn't tell me about it. I love her and I definitely don't want to loose her but how do I deal with the fact that she is not ready to tell me as yet, or is she ever going to tell me. I don't think I will be able to wait for longer than a week to confront her about this. I need help

[I wish]

Harshness warning

It's her choice whether she wants to tell you or not. You can't force it out of her. There's a reason that she doesn't want to share, so respect her wishes.

As for you, you're falling head over heals for her. Expecting her to tell you is selfish of you. If you can't get a grip, then back away from her until you come to your senses.

[kctiger]

You want to confront her? What gives you the right to think you should be confronting her? You are an open cheater, as is she.

Has she shown absolutely no emotion at all about this supposed death of her boyfriend? This all seems just really odd to me. You don't need help, you need to stop "dating" women who are taken. A dose of reality is all you need.

The way I see it: It's NONE of your business!

[J_9]

Expect her to drop you like a hot potato when she finds out you were looking at her texts without her permission.

[Bongam]

Thanks for your input in this regard I really appeciate it, now I know I should respect her privacy and her decisions. I just wish I could find a way to make her open up to me. I know that its only 4 months since we started dating but I love her very much.

[Fr_Chuck]

There is a line between obsession and being a stalker and love. You crossed one line by looking at her emails. And now you get to pay the price for it.

She can well still be in love with her boyfriend who died, and may for a year or so, and he will be first in her heart for some time.

She does not want you to know or she would have told you. It is obvoius her feelings are not as serous as yours and you need to accept it for now.

[Shimekia]

To add to all the other advice I just want to say that she may be feeling guilty for cheating on him - and now he's dead. Hate to be so harsh, but she cannot take what she did back and honestly - you are probably a constant reminder of that. You should probably just keep your distance. You could make it worse on yourself...

[Bongam]

To add to all the other advice I just want to say that she may be feeling guilty for cheating on him - and now he's dead. Hate to be so harsh, but she cannot take what she did back and honestly - you are probably a constant reminder of that. You should probably just keep your distance. You could make it worse on yourself...

I honestly don't believe that when I came around he was still alive, maybe she was still moarning his death and there comes myself. Since she told me that he is overseas working for his family company. At first I didn't really put the thought to it but as the time went by I started noticing things, I found it very strange that I sometimes spend the whole weak with her but she don't receive even one call from him, and when I ask her what will happen if he comes back she tells me that I won't even notice, she will make it her point that I don't find out becoz she don't want me to get hurt. When I ask her how long he has been gone she will get angry and want us to change the topic. Am I hurting myself here? We work together and when I look at her I ask myself, hence the advice I received from you guyz if she is with me because she love me or she is with me for the sake of not being alone as her heart is still with her late boyfriend. Honestly, I will understand if she feels that way. I respect her wishes and everything but don't you guys think that I deserve to know about this, especially I don't know how he died and that is stressing me out. FR_Chuck: you are right I shoulnt have read her massages because now I'm paying the price. I can't ask her about it, I want to but I don't know how. Stressed

[Larken85]

Let her come to you about it. She could like you like a boyfriend or she could like you as a comfort but in time she will come forward an tell you. But as of right now she is with a ghost. You need to tell her she needs to tell you what's going on with the boyfriend and ask her why you two can't be together. And if she loves you so much then why is she still with her boyfriend? Whether he is actually dead or real, is beyond me, but I am just saying you need to pretent that he is alive for the time being and play it up. Tell her to leave her boyfriend because you don't like being THAT GUY

[J_9]

and when i ask her what will happen if he comes back she tells me that i wont even notice, she will make it her point that i dont find out becoz she dont want me to get hurt.

Don't ask her about him.

when i ask her how long he has been gone she will get angry and want us to change the topic.

Stop asking her about him.

am i hurting my self here?

Probably. Not every person likes to discuss their past loves with their current loves. Dude, leave the past in the past. She will tell you if and when she is ready.

if she is with me because she love me or she is with me for the sake of not being alone as her heart is still with her late boyfriend.

We don't know the answer to that question. Right now it's probably best left alone.

i respect her wishes

If you keep asking about him you are NOT respecting her wishes.

dont you guys think that i deserve to know about this,

No, you don't deserve to know about this. Why would you think you do?

i dont know how he died and that is stressing me out.

Why is it stressing you out? You didn't know the guy, you weren't in a relationship with him. Lord, if I stressed about everyone that died that I didn't know, I'd be in an insane asylum by now, not to mention the stress caused by the ones I DO know that died.

Look Bongam, this is her past. Let it be hers and hers alone. This is not something she HAS to share with you and the more you keep pestering her about it, the more you are pushing her away. Why do you think you deserved to know about this particular part of her past? It's really none of your business. We all have a skeleton or two in our closets, leave hers in her closet.

You don't need to know how or why he died. It's none of your beeswax.

[CFZD]

It is the 100th time I am telling people that don't invade others' privacy! Just leave their email accounts/cell phone/mails/facebook etc ALONE!

[talaniman]

I think some common sense should apply, as you know she is mourning, and doesn't want to discuss it. So don't, as your not even supposed to know. She has to heal, and cope with her loss, so be a friend, and back away from any romantic notions you have.

Knowing what you do, give respect, and don't get carried away, because a boyfriend who cannot understand, and cope with his feelings has no business expect her to cope with her loss, and any pressure from you.

If you can't see yourself as a friend indeed, you shouldn't be there at all. That would be the caring thing to do, and no butts about it.

Don't expect any more from her, despite what you want. When she is ready, willing, and able, she will talk.