[DMKK]

I will try and keep it short, but the basics are that my girlfriend of 4 years and fiancée (we were to be married in 2 months) had been growing distant and telling me she had second thoughts about the marriage and the relationship over the last month or so. Also been feeling very distant. It came to a head last week when I was clued in by one of her friends that she was seeing someone else. No real details just that she confessed it to her friends, and they thought it was important I should know.

After she said she wanted to call off the wedding, she cried (has been crying when she sees me all month, should have known that as a sign of guilt on the cheating). Last week, also cried and asked if I would consider us working things out and trying to stay together, counseling, something. But then, left for the night and did not come home until the next day (4th or 5th night she did that last month). So she was with the other guy of course. Her friends informed me that the new guy was well off money-wise which hurt even more for some reason.

Knowing that the more details I know would just hurt, I had to ask her to no longer stay here with me, it was too painful to see her come and go knowing where she was some nights. It has been mostly civil but obviously we were together for 4 years and had a wedding so we have finances to work out and she has a lot of things to move out.

Anyway I realize working on myself and no contact is the way to go and I am getting there, removed her from all social networking, I don't call or text her unless absolutely necessary about a question about her coming to get her things etc (and this will stop 100% once she is moved out fully).

Here's my question - Today she is coming over to get more things and we are talking about finances (making sure we square up on money, something we never really fought about so I expect it will be fine). However, since we had a combined mobile phone account, I had to pull up the bill online. I then realized that she has been texting this guy relentlessly for the entire last month and several calls behind my back as well. This is well before she had said anything about having doubts about the marriage (so while at first I thought the affair was a little newer and less involved, I now can see she has been in almost constant contact with this guy for over a month and trying to hide it from me). Probably even longer but I am afraid to pull up previous month's records because I worry I will see calls and texts going back even further and that would hurt more.

I guess this is what cheaters who aren't sure do, first test the waters out with a new guy before they leave you to make sure they will be accepted? I guess as things went better and she was getting what she needed from the new guy, spending nights together, the relationship intensified so THEN she was comfortable enough to break it off with me (but seemed to still want to have the option to stay or come back). Honestly I would still have been hurt if she left, but a lot less if she would have left me before she met someone new. But I guess many breakups happen like this, because the cheater is insecure and afraid to be alone, so they need a backup plan before they exit.

She never fully admitted to the cheating, only answered with "you don't know the whole story", but the phone bill is complete evidence of it all. I really should just have not looked at the call and text records but I couldn't help it, knowing it would hurt. There were so many texts she went way over her allotment. It really made me sick.

So anyway tonight, when she is over, how do I handle this phone bill situation? I was thinking of just saying here is a copy of the phone bill, this is what you owe me for your share since you went over in texts, and leaving it at that. Not commenting on the concrete call record evidence that is right there (I printed it out for her, all 30 pages of it).

What do you all recommend? How do I handle this today?

I know to heal fully I need to start "no contact" but it looks like I will have to see her a couple more times due to her having so many things to move out and such a small car (she only gets a little when she comes by). She apparently found a permanent place to live (no idea if it is with new guy or on her own and don't want to ask) so hopefully that will happen faster now.

Hurting... help!

[amicon]

I'm sorry,how painful for you.

I do think your interpretation of things is correct,too bad she comes across as a coward who made sure she bagged the next guy before jumping ship.

As for the upcoming situation,I suggest you do exactly what you have suggested re the phonebill.

I would t e l l her to get adequate transport so that all her stuff can be moved out,at once.

Likewise,make sure all the finances are settled asap,so that you can start proper NC and heal.

It sucks,but you will get over this with time.
Take care.

[redhed35]

You need to turn off the emotions for now,I do understand how hard that is going to be,but its time to look at the facts,without the rose tinted glasses.

The phone bill,needs to be paid,split it,I know its unfair,but what's the point of fighting over it,principles are all well and good,but they cost a lot in stress,and mental well being.

Advice her she has a limited time to get ALL of her things out of the house,lets say,by the weekend,or else you will be seeking legal advice, ( she does not have to know you may be bluffing)... cull this woman from your life,and do it fast.

Don't offer her a coffee,or a chat,don't offer her any information on how you are doing,keep your poker face,this is business now.

[DMKK]

Thanks for the advice. Poker face is a good way to look at it. Her last visit I was way too friendly about it. But then I still did not know the full details, I suspected something was going on, but at the time, didn't know the extent or time frame or even have confirmation. A lot has come to light over the last 4 days since I saw her, so it makes it a lot easier to let go and detach. I don't have any interest in a chat about my life, plans, etc.

The weird thing is (and I know now this was wrong to do this so soon) was I set up an online dating profile, I was feeling lonely and rejected and I realize I need to heal before I date... But she found it within hours of my posting it and sent me an angry text message about it (apologized for that the next day). Her behavior is so confusing. I assume that in some way, she wants to be able to have the affair but still have an open door for a possible return/reconciliation later if things don't work out?

[redhed35]

I think you hit the nail on the head,she's hoping to keep you in the wings.

You know what you have to do,but emotions are running high,and confusion is rife, take a step back from the situation.

She cheated,its over,she does not love you,she has someone new, and has cast you aside,she broke your heart and she does not get a say in how you try and fix it.

That's all up to you.

Give her a deadline to get her stuff out,sooner rather then later.

[talaniman]

Wow guy that has to suck big time, but you certainly have a good handle on doing business the right way.

I like your idea of giving her the bill, and letting her know what you expect as her part, and letting it go. I would also like you to her get get her stuff packed to make her leaving easier, and faster. And closer to the door.

The sooner the better. Then look forward, and never back. I think you will be okay after a proper healing process, and hope you take full advantage of your new found freedom from this cheater. It will get better, later.

Boy am I glad you didn't marry her, you dodged a big bullet, fella.

[amicon]

Whatever she says,or thinks is irrelevant now-your best option is to get the finances sorted out and her belongings out of your space so you can start moving on.

[DMKK]

I tried suggesting a deadline earlier this week and she got angry about that. She claimed she did not have a place to stay and her car was already loaded. I think she was struggling a bit but something changed yesterday because she seems in a great mood and says she has a place to stay. So I think that will stop her attempting to walk the fence between the guy and me and allow her to leave quicker, I hope. She sent a message saying she was sorry and did not want to fight anymore.

I know this is ridiculous but is it wrong for me to want her to come back? Not to say I could take her back, because I would be crazy to do that right now, heck crazy to do it a year from now even, but I can't help but feel like that, if she begged me to reconcile and come back, that it would somehow make me feel better? Why do I want this thing with the new guy and her to totally crash and burn?

[redhed35]

I tried suggesting a deadline earlier this week and she got angry about that. She claimed she did not have a place to stay and her car was already loaded. I think she was struggling a bit but something changed yesterday because she seems in a great mood and says she has a place to stay. So I think that will stop her attempting to walk the fence between the guy and me and allow her to leave quicker, I hope. She sent a message saying she was sorry and did not want to fight anymore.

I know this is ridiculous but is it wrong for me to want her to come back? Not to say I could take her back, because I would be crazy to do that right now, heck crazy to do it a year from now even, but I can't help but feel like that, if she begged me to reconcile and come back, that it would somehow make me feel better? Why do I want this thing with the new guy and her to totally crash and burn?

You want her to beg,so you can turn her down,you want them to fail,so she will feel the hurt your in right now... but do you know what,I'm a great believer in what goes around comes around,if daddy megabucks does not work out,you can bet the family silver she will make a comeback,even just to see,then you can say,no thanks,and by the way,have you met my beautiful new girlfriend,and look how slim she is... (ouch)

[amicon]

Those feelings as normal,but let your head rule your heart-why would you want to get back with somebody who treats you like rubbish?

Don't go down the road of wanting to be a backup plan.

[DMKK]

Hahah, well that's sort of the problem is that my cheating girlfriend was quite stunning and you can't get much thinner, so there's that jealousy aspect I am dealing with as well, to know this guy has this beautiful girl now, and all the benefits, etc.

I realize that 9 times out of 10, these type of relationships fail, though the idea that she can sit back right now and say "I am so happy I left him, so much happier with you!" etc etc is a tough bitter pill to swallow. It justifies the cheating and rewards it in a way. It's so unfair to the one cheated on!

I really do appreciate the support. I am an intelligent person and also am taking a look at the failures in the relationship, which I would have course worked through with her if she just was willing to talk about it (instead of just drinking her troubles away). When her maid of honor in the wedding and best friend was writing me to tell me to leave, and find a better girl who is not selfish, that was a good sign it was time to pack it up.

I am logical but still not in control of my feelings. I worry about the future and starting over and meeting someone new but I hope for the best. I think she worries too, because during her last visit, she started crying saying that she knows I will be happier without her and better off, and it made her sad to think of me having a good future with someone else.

People who cheat really say some astounding stuff.

[DMKK]

By the way I feel like a bit of a tool now as just a week ago when I wasn't aware of the cheating aspect (only that she was unhappy and wanted to call off the wedding), I told her I was willing to revisit the relationship or even counseling, and even as recent as Sunday before I got the details, I said something like "maybe time apart will make us miss each other and we will want to get back together" and that seemed to make her happy...

But now that I realize there had been cheating going on for at least a month prior to me saying that, I don't feel that way anymore and want her to think that option is there. I hope she realizes that now.

[redhed35]

The new guy has a new cheating girlfriend,its not like he won the girlfriend lottery.

So what she was beautiful,hell,so am I,but I'm not a cheater,and there is many many beautiful wonderful women out there.

You lost nothing... she dropped you before the wedding,she did you a favour,you should send her a thank you note!

This will get better,and your head will clear,as reading suggestions,the stickies in the relationship forum are a good start.

[DMKK]

Red, that is sort of what I was thinking too. I think the reason relationships that start with someone cheating, unless the other person just has no morals or doesn't care, is that that person has to know, in the back of his mind, that she cheated on ME... What would prevent her from one day cheating on HIM? I am sure the longer they last that conversation has to come, and I sure know that if I met a girl that way (NEVER would, just pretend here) and was dating her, I would sure have my own trust issues with her. I guess you don't often hear stories of a happy, stable relationship developing for the person who cheated with the person they cheated with. Maybe there are some stories of that around? I don't know, just think it's unlikely.

I appreciate the support very much... I am doing my best to be rational about all this, it is just hard to just turn off the emotions... After all this was 4 years of my life, a wedding 2 months away... And heck, just 2 weeks ago we were out to dinner, on dates, spending time with her friends, and I was oblivious. So it's all so fresh and new and hard to just be sensible when my heart and head and stomach are hurting.

[redhed35]

Take some antacids for your stomach,if she is coming over your going to have to suck it up..

Your badly hurt,but don't expose your hurt to someone who won't care.

Poker face, no newsy conversation,no happy day.

Be cool calm and totally together,you can fall into a choclate cake and sad love songs when she is gone... then,pull yourself up,and start healing... its a new day.

[DMKK]

Thanks, that seems the best way to be. I can do that without a problem. It will be hard if she gets emotional with me or wants to talk about non-business stuff but I have a feeling her demeanor will be similar. This will be our first time seeing each other face to face since the affair has been undeniably put out in the open. So I think that the tears of guilt can go away now that she realizes it's in the open and I know.

In some weird way I guess at some point she hoped she could get away without ever having to face the facts of the cheating with me to keep the door open for her. And honestly, if she just left, and saw other people, that might have been been a possibility. The lying is what ruins everything.

[vanheart]

You are control now, of this meetup, conversation and after.
She no longer has a right to your emotions, love or lack thereof.

Which I hope is never having to deal with her again after that.

After this, go NC for good.

[Homegirl 50]

Give her the bill tell her this is what she owes you and tell her to put the check in the mail.
Have her stuff packed before she gets there so there is no reason for her to stay any longer than to pick her stuff up.
I would not ask her anything. When she walks out that door and you close it, let it also close on the relationship.

All of the when why and who will do nothing but prolong your agony.
Take a girl friend laxative so to speak, go to the bathroom and be done with it.

[DMKK]

Ugh, she came over with her small car, packed, and left most if it here, saying she needs a truck and people to come help her move it all. Informed me I am not to touch anything of hers or more it, she "Does not TRUST me!" hahaha...

I was tempted to get in an argument but I tried to remain upbeat and positive so she could see I was not going to let her get me down.

She asked me when I wanted her to come get her stuff by, I told her come on Saturday, and she had the opportunity to really jab me saying "I can't I'll be at the beach!' That really hurt.

I am so tempted to just finish all her packing and move everything into the garage but also worried about what her reaction would be when she saw I did that and if she would damage my property or cause a scene.

For some reason she seems very slow to be getting this done.

[vanheart]

That's all weird & twisted.

Don't let her make a date to do that at her convenience. Obviously not her priority. She asked when & you told her.

Give her a hard deadline and one asap, or you will get rid of it yourself.

Once again she's screwing with you.

I just chucked my ex's stuff in the dumpster.

Be in control now.