[chloeg]

Hi I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years now and we have 2 fantastic children.
My problem is, is that he is majorly untrusting!
At the beginning of the relationship we got along greatly then as it progressed he started asking me if I was sleeping with blokes from my work - of course I would never cheat! I then fell pregnant and he kept asking if our daughter is his.
He has a huge alcohol problem which he cannot control when he drinks however a few times he has given up for lengths of time but then gets back into it. When he's drunk we usually argue so then he leaves and stays at a mates place and drinks all night then comes home the next afternoon and accuses me of sleeping with other men while he was gone yet pretty much the whole time he leaves I ring and ring and ring him! I beg him to come home!
As a child he tells me he raised himself yet his cousins whom he grew up with say differently. In his 20's he found out his father was his uncle (his mother was sleeping with her sisters husband!) Also he was with a woman (I'm not sure for how long) who apparently consistently cheated on him (I believed him at first but now am not sure with how he accuses me of the same thing!)
Since I had my first born - nearly 2 years ago - he rings me 5-7 times a day and if I miss a call he keeps ringing till I answer and asks who is with me and that he will ask the neighbours who was here. Majority of the time I never have visitors!
4 months ago we had a baby boy and because our baby looks more like me than him and tells me that he isn't his! Which of course makes me cry on occasions.
Also ever since our first born I practically have to have sex with him every night so he won't tell me that I won't do it because I had already slept with someone else that day.
Every conversation we have he turns about sex. He can be so pervertive at times.
The other day we had yet another argument about him never helping me with the kids or cleaning the house. He tells me that he why should he help when I never do a certain sexual position. That made me wild! I wanted to leave him but I feel trapped
We have 2 kids (which he all he does is complain about their crying and mess they make but never helps to change a nappy or feed them) and we also have a joint home loan we got nearly a year ago.
Oh and his brother is apparently the same! He accused his wife for near 10 years then she actually did cheat on him which makes it much worse for me.
I'm only 21 years old yet I feel much much older when I'm with him (hes 29)
We have broken up a couple of times. No longer than a week at a time. During that time he constantly rings me and ask if I love him and if I'm seeing someone else. When we do get back together he promises me he will change and lighten up on me.
I usually go back because I believe him and because I figure the kids need him. The last time I went back because I didn't want bad credit from the loan because I know he won't pay the repayments.
What should I do? I honestly don't believe he will change. I have had suicidal thoughts but then I think I don't want to leave my kids with him and his family.
Please help!
It's just so hard to leave the one you love and the one you are so familiar with. My mum thinks we are still together because its just habit.
HELP!

[talaniman]

The only way he gets his act together is on his own, and if you reward his bad behavior it will continue. Credit can be repaired, but lives take more. Stay away from him until he has conquered his demons for a year, and has actually done the changes he needs.

[justcurious55]

I think your mom is right. In a perfect world, yes, children should be raised by both parents. But let's face it, we don't live in a perfect world. Are your children really benefiting if he has a drinking problem, the two of you are constantly fighting, and you are so unhappy you are at times suicidal? You have to weigh the pros and cons of being together. So far, from what you've told us there are many more cons than pros. You said you don't think he'll ever change. I think you're right. But you can change this situation. He seems to have learned this obsession with cheating from his family. You don't want your children to grow up to be the same.

Hopefully someone else will have some tips to help you get out of this situation without ruining your credit. But if not, your own mental well-being and your childrens' seems like it might be more important than good credit. Credit isn't as difficult to fix as mental and emotional baggage. And at least it can be fixed, suicide can't be fixed. There's no undoing that.

[emopunk7]

Advise him to go to counseling. Try going together.
Try talking with him calmly. Make a day out of it.
If none of the above work, then it's time to get out. You can find another man who will parent your children or you can be both mom and dad. This man is destroying you. You have to find a way around the joint lease. You can pay for it while you stay somewhere else for a while. That is one option. You have to find other options. Good luck!

[CarrotTalker]

This guy sounds like a loser based on what you are saying.

How are you communicating with guys where you work? Are you texting or calling them while you are at home? (I'm trying to see if there is some basis to his behaviors)

[justcurious55]

Oops. My agree was supposed to say "...doesn't mean i would ever..."

[emopunk7]

Justcurious55... doesn't mean you wouldn't cheat on him... Meaning you would? I'm hoping that was a mistake.

[slapshot_oi]

I sure as sh*t wouldn't want to raise a kid of mine around my future wife if she didn't believe the child isn't hers, that's ridiculous.

He's 29 and acts like a jaded 17-year-old, you're absolutely right, he won't change. Lose the baggage. It's tough being a single parent of two children, but it's even tougher being a single parent of two children and a 29-year-old.

[Romefalls19]

If he doesn't want to change his behavior for himself, then he won't ever change.

[goodofmysis]

I haven't read the other comments. But darling, you must get out of that situation. There are a few options (options as I'm not a doctor). 1. Confront him on his paranoid ways and attempt to INITIALLY (this will talk more more) talk it out and have him admit there is a problem.
2. Seek counseling
3. Leave

CAVIOT: You are young, and perhaps, there are things and ways about you, that make him insecure. Do you flirt with other men? Do you dress revealing? Do you threaten him that you are better and could find someone else? (are you being spiteful?)

Usually these situations are a two way street. You must look at yourself first, then your mate. Either way, you must be the strongest person FIRST before you encounter this situation.

[amicon]

Old post-March 2010.