[LudwigVan]

I like a colleague from work and she stayed over, we ended up making out the next morning which went on for an hour or so but she had to leave in a rush (she had made plans, wasn't running away).

Need a sounding board. Im guessing I need to call her before work. Should I just go for it and try to have a discrete relationship at work, or try to both pretend it never happened.

She's a few years older than me (in her mid 20s). We'be both come out of long term relationships at around the same time (late last year) so I don't think we've rushed into it. I really like my job though (I think it's the best I can get) so I'm kind of uneasy.

[Fr_Chuck]

It has already happened, so it will start making work hard, image any and all of the ex's you have, can you see and talk and work closely with all of your ex's,

If that answer is no, how can you with this girl after you break up ( if you did of course)

[LudwigVan]

Yeah that's at the back of my mind

I feel I really get on with her though and we'd have a good shot at something serious

Hypothetically, IF I were to try to back down, what should I say?

[Jake2008]

Did she stay over because the two of you were out partying and she was too drunk to go home? Or, did she follow you home, you played video games, and you slept on the couch, and she jumped your bones in the morning.

What I'm getting at, was it a weak drunk moment sort of thing, or was it something that you figured was going to happen before she slept over. Did she hint around, give any clues?

If this was your first real 'date' with her, in my book, you didn't make a good impression, and, she is not great relationship material if she boinks a guy on the first date- call me old fashioned.

The circumstances surrounding the night would be helpful to know how to advise you as to what to do.

[LudwigVan]

It wasn't a drunk moment, we've been flirting for a while and have gotten reasonably close
We didn't "boink", just had dinner,watched a few movies, separate beds, and in the morning we kissed

Its been messing with my head all day

[Jake2008]

Good! That is a much clearer picture. :D

If she is not a superior at work, then by all means talk to her. It's pretty obvious she is interested, as you are.

She is probably as nervous as you are about talking about her having stayed over, and the making out in the morning, and wondering exactly the same things you are.

I would probably phone her, or email or text, outside of work, and ask her if she'd like to go for coffee. It might be hard to start a conversation, but once you get started, I think it will become clear if she is interested in a relationship or not.

Take it slow, but I would definitely make contact soon.

[LudwigVan]

I told her I would call this arvo, so I guess I have to but I think it would be better to talk in person, I guess tomorrow lunch

She's not a superior, at least at the moment
I think so too, she wanted to know how long id liked her

I may have tried to escalate things a bit (couldnt help it... )

I do like her but I also like my job :S , advice on how to have my cake and eat it too?

[Jake2008]

That is a really, really smart question Ludwig.

It gets very difficult when everybody at work knows you're in a relationship with her, and then she gets promoted (or you do). All too easy for others to think favouritism, and naturally so. Many workplaces have policies on this.

If you decide to a relationship starts to take place, the two of you will have to seriously discuss this. Set some boundaries, and be very aware together that to avoid hassle, keep your workplace and your job, outside of the relationship. I would personally not have lunch or coffee breaks with a boyfriend at work, IF it looks like a promotion is coming my way. And, I'd qualify that by saying only if she were your direct supervisor.

Just use good old fashioned common sense, and things will fall into place. You do not owe anybody an explanation as to who you date from the company, but to be on the safe side, I'd keep the relationship at arm's length at work.

[LudwigVan]

She will never be my direct supervisor/visa-versa. Single people have little influence over promotion (the next one will be pretty much upon obtaining qualifications).

Ive been reading up on it all day. My main worry is as Chuck says if we breakup. It was hard enough with my ex without working at the same place.

As you can probably tell I'm not very decisive... so I've dug myself a hole

[Jake2008]

I see where Chuck is coming from, and that is a valid point.

But, what if playing it safe means you miss the opportunity of a lifetime. What if you pass and it could have turned out to be one of the best things you ever did in your life. You could have a loving, long term relationship with a wonderful woman.

If it ends, hopefully the split will be mutual, no drama, and respectful. Maybe if this does start to happen with her, you can bring that point up to get an idea of how she thinks about it.

You can't avoid living, and you can't avoid loving someone (possibly), because it may hurt or be awkward at some unknown point down the road. You are mature enough to have lived to talk about going through a breakup, and I think this girl has too. While you would naturally want to avoid it, if it does happen, life will go on.

Who's to say that someone like her will come along again in the next year, or 10 years.

While I understand the logic of the workplace factor, my own opinion is, you should just keep doing what you're doing, and take a chance on love.

[talaniman]

There is indeed a very high risk of dating co workers because it brings outside issues to work, and can make it pure hell. People do it any way. From what I have seen though, the ones that succeed are the ones where both of you talk in a very open way with each other, and deal in a mature realistic way with all that may concern you both.

Its really a risk any one faces in any relationship, whether it lasts a week, a year, or a decade, but more so in the work place where the boundaries of work, career, and livelihood and love and romance become blurred, and chaos set in.

I think you do a lot of talking on your own time to define those boundaries, because if a relationship makes work a place you don't want to be then that's an additional hurdle to overcome.

That's why I frown on them, but it depends on the partners being mature, and open and very honest with each other.

That's probably why you are indecisive about this, but you have already crossed a line, and the question to answer is will you continue. I think you talk, and listen, and make sure you know enough well enough before you take a further risk with your job.

Maybe not getting carried away by your own feelings, until you know more facts about her nature, would be the way to go. All relationships are thrilling and great in the beginning, but then reality sets in and those cute quirks that turned you on, are not so cute any more.