[uivnro]

Right... where to begin?
My partner and I have been together for almost 9 years and, after 2 years of engagement, are getting married in August. My problem is that I feel like I am choosing a life that will go in one of two directions: we will have children and end up settling for each other and live a loveless existence; or we will have children and I'll end up being a weekend dad post divorce. I don't see a third (or fourth) option. The love will almost certainly end with an affair (on my side). There is no one else, but I have not been completely faithful in the last 9 years, and I don't think I could be going forward. Is it possible that I have already settled for a lower level of love or is this it? By that I mean would I want to cheat on anybody or have I just not found the right woman? I love her. But am I in love with her? I don't think about her all the time. I work away from home during the week and if we speak in the evenings we don't say much. I don't pine for her. I do have a high sex drive, but I don't dream about making love to her. I enjoy the company of women very much and often go out and have fantastic (platonic) evenings that I dream about going further; very occasionally they do. When I am home she works all the time and I moan about the state she has left the house in whilst I am away. She works extremely hard; work very much comes first as it did with me until I had a heart scare a couple of years ago (as a fit 29 year old man who was working far too hard). One challenge is that we are two halves of the same person; maybe she has flirted with infidelity too which could explain why she has ignored one of my indiscretions that I am almost certain she knows about.

If the wedding was off our relationship would end. There is then the question of our house (the second we have owned together), the paid for wedding and honeymoon, our mutual friends. At least there are no children yet. It would destroy her though and that makes me feel sick.

I really don’t know what to do, but I have to make a decision before it is too late. I have a number of friends who I have to talk to about this, but I would appreciate a wider opinion.

Thanks for your time and potential consideration

U

[Devorameira]

Absolutely DO NOT get married. Why did you stay in this relationship for 9 years if it was not progressing towards love and marriage? Why did you even ask her to marry you? :confused:

You’ve certainly wasted a lot of her time. If you care about her at all, you’ll let her go. You’re being selfish by keeping her in a dead end relationship that she's not strong enough to leave. She's not getting any younger, and you need to let her go so she can find a man who will treat her the way she deserves.

[Lucky098]

If you pull out now, the only thing you're going to be wasting is money. Why are you marrying someone who you are no longer in love with? From what you're saying, it doesn't like to me like you are in love with her... or even love her for that matter.

If you are almost counting on cheating on her, then you need to break it off. It's going to hurt, but it won't hurt nearly as bad once she found out that you cheated on her. Cheating breaks the trust barrier... Its unbelieveably horrible feeling. Be a MAN and break off the relationship before kids will be involved. You're going to worry about a house? Who cares! Homes don't have feelings, kids do. Why get married to get divorced? That's a real stupid choice.

You're either in it for life.. Or your not. Make a choice. Don't get married to make her happy. Get married to make YOU happy. And if she isn't the one, that's fine. There are others out there who will hopefully keep your flame going.

Please make a decision... for everyone's sake.