[passmeby]

Not sure if this is the best place for this question... but anyway... My husband has a problem with shopping! I've had it with this and I need help to help him stop!

We have a relatively low income. Basically enough to cover the bills plus just a little extra sometimes. I want to save. He isn't happy until he has wiped every cent out. And then some sometimes.

He has no concept of saving, of working towards a goal financially, of waiting until something can be afforded. He grew up with these habits in his family... getting everything on credit, pay later and shop, shop, shop. Get every "new" thing that comes along.

He just can't comprehend that WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!! And he can't save money. He just thinks that anything we need we can just get on credit, there's no sense in saving as far as he's concerned. He doesn't understand how much this costs! And he doesn't think about emergency situations. Or what if he can't get the credit.

He also spends so much money on junk. He can't understand how much this stuff adds up. What I mean is, for example when we grocery shop-he'll pick up random things that cost around a few dollars. It's junk! Stuff that basically ends up in the trash within a few days or so. But $4 here and $2 here adds up big time! I've tried and tried to get him to understand. I've done this: Every time he picks up some junk item, I say "take that $3 and put it in a jar" every time. So we tried this. BUT... he seems to think that once there's a bit of money in the jar, that he gets to spend it on a more expensive piece of junk (as if it's a "reward" or something! )... NOT keep saving or put it in a savings account, but SPEND it! When I tell him to put the junk items back, he'll say things like "I worked for the money, why can't I spend it on things I want?" and so on. I try and try to eplain it. I even remind him of all the junk he's bought that has been thrown out within days of buying it. It just WON'T sink in! I tell him he might as well throw the few dollars directly in the trash and save a step! It doesn't register. The addiction to buying and opening stuff is too strong.

I think he has a shopping addiction. Not only just a shopping addiction, but an addiction to opening packages. It's weird to me, I don't see what is so exciting about opening a box or package. If only you could see him when he opens a package, it's really sick. He'll want to open other people's packages. He'll make every excuse in the book to open a box/package/item that's not even his. Once an item is bought and the package is opened, it's like "more, please". No satisfaction. Just that momentary satisfaction when buying and opening the item.

He has this idea in his head as if he gets rewarded (by being able to buy something) for every little thing! This is just NOT how life works!

I'm just fed up with this, I've tried things and nothing I've tried gets through his head. One main problem also, is the thing I mentioned where he thinks that any progress made in saving money means he gets to spend the money as if it's a reward. He just can't leave money in the bank. Simply CAN'T.

He has a video game habit that costs a fortune. But he thinks that because he has a job, that he deserves to be able to get whatever video game stuff he wants a s a reward. You don't necessarily get a "reward" for going to work, that's just silly to think so. Grown people shouldn't expect a pat on the back and a reward for doing what they're supposed to do! And no one deserves anything that they can't afford.

As far as I'm concerned, credit is not an option. It's expensive and we can't afford another bill. I'd much rather deal with what we have and can afford than to have yet another bill to have to pay. But he's quick to jump on any credit offer he can get. The way it is, we don't NEED anything. We have everything we need. Certianly we could use a nicer car and some other things, but we have our NEEDS met as it is.

Another problem is, I don't drive pretty much anymore so he almost always has to come with me when I shop. Unfortunately!

The only thing I could think of to do is to save money behind his back, which I had started a while back. But for our family's sake, I need him to change his habits. I don't want our kids to think this is OK. And I might not always be here to take care of everything. If I didn't take care of the bills, I'd hate to think what would happen! And he's going to find out about the money I've been saving some time or another, because the day will come that I'll need or want to use the money and he'll wonder where it came from! That might teach him a lesson, but it could be years before this will happen.

Any ideas?

[morgaine300]

I certainly feel for you. I'm rather picky about my own money, plus since I'm an accountant, I also understand the math behind spending and saving, etc. I learned how much things add up by simply keeping track of them.

I understand the package this. I like opening packages as well. I'm also a gamer, so I understand the gaming thing. In fact, part of the fun of a new game is just opening it. I also think everyone needs to have their hobbies and that a certain amount of money should be allocated towards entertainment, for the sake of one's sanity. And I also DO think people should get a pat on the back for doing what they're supposed to do. It's no different than wanting your boss to say please and thank you, even though it's your job. So I have to disagree with you on those items.

(What he spends his "fun" money on is not relevant, though you are making it sound like it is. People always think something is a "waste" if they do not understand the interest in it. I'm sure you have an interest in something that he does not understand either. Though I'm not referring to the junk that gets thrown away in 3 days. Obviously there was no real interest in that.)

But that said... there also has to be a limit. Like I have plenty of "me" time, I have hobbies, I have computer games, books, movies, etc. But I don't spend a lot on them. There's a such thing as bargains regardless of what it is. (Console games are expensive. I play PC games, which I can get for much cheaper, sell on eBay when I'm done with them, and I don't buy the newest thing out at full price. There's ways around the costs of things like that.)

So I don't have an issue that he has his hobbies. But everything, groceries as well as hobbies, have to be budgeted and watched out for. The "reward" should be in getting to do something fun, not in spending the money on it.

I can give people all sorts of advice on how to save money, but not someone who refuses to listen. In terms of making him understand, you might have to actually put some numbers together and show him the results. I don't know whether he truly doesn't get it and seeing it would help, or whether he's so stuck into his beliefs that he'd manage to find a way around anything realistic that he sees. But you can try that.

That is, quite literally keep track of everything spent and show him what it adds up too. Work out the interest on a credit card and show him what it costs after five years. Work out what something can be worth in the future when it's saved and invested. (i.e. if you leave it alone, look what it can grow into, versus, if you leave it only for 2 weeks and spend it, it's still gone). I can help you with the math there.

However, I'm suspecting he's just too darn stubborn to pay attention to such things, especially if he grew up with that mentality. Besides, the government teaches us this is OK as well... not only their spending, but they teach us that they'll always be there to take care of us instead of us taking care of ourselves. (Although the past couple of years should have taught him that getting into debt and such is not good.)

If you seriously think it's more about a shopping addiction than just lack of understanding, you can visit the addiction board:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addictions/

When people have addictions, no amount of logic is going to matter. You have to find other ways around it. If it's seriously a problem, it might even take counseling.